Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Menage a trois

So. It was a night of threesomes on AI. Three contestants. Three songs. Three phone lines. And three judges, because although they still had Clive the producer/overlord pick out one set of the songs, he wasn't allowed to sit on the judging table this year. Like most threesomes, it was an erratic encounter -- often rushed and frenzied, with awkward pauses tossed in, and not everyone knew exactly what they were doing at all times. Also like most two guys-one girl threesomes, the guys stumbled into dangerous territory of crossing swords, but it worked out very well for the female during the middle section, and one of the guys ended up with a big bang.

For a change, I'll take this in order. Clive's choices kicked off the evening, and each one was preceded with the ancient one having a little sit-down with each contestant. After the first round of interviews, it was all too blatantly obvious what the agenda for the evening already was. Everyone had been given their marching orders, and everyone, even my dear sweet darling Paula fell into line. Main agenda for the night -- make it clear to Elliott that he's not getting a record deal with Clive. Ironically -- or perhaps quite purposefully -- he was the only one who eagerly expressed his interest in hoping to work with Davis during the sit-down. Clive didn't say, "Fuck off, ugly one," but he did totally ignore the comment and just said something random like, "Kill 'em."

What he gave Elliott to sing, Journey's "Open Arms," was completely out of Elliott's comfort zone, and completely in the sappy territory. But, as is often the case with Clive's picks, it actually worked for Elliott's voice. He sang it in a higher key than he usually does, and because of that, his vibrato was controlled and he sounded great. It was a nice change for Elliott, lacking his vocal pyrotechnics but showing off his nice tone. However, the song, it still sucks and does nothing but bring back unfortunate memories of crinkled taffeta and sloppy post-prom heaving petting.

Don't hate me for this comment, but I went the extra yard and took grabs of Elliott during all his performances tonight cuz I've got a pretty strong feeling this might actually be the last time we see him performing on AI.


Once he was done, Randy followed the yes-man protocol to a T, even going so far as to tell Elliott he had rough spots in the middle. Excuse me? We all wonder what the hell Paula's Coke glass is spiked with, but I think someone spiked Randy's coke with a steaming helping of "deaf." Of course, the song choice appealed to Randy's ego, and he had to mention how he was once in Journey. Yes, we know, Randy. Do you really want to keep reminding people of this, though?


Anyhow, Paula, she loved him, but Simon told him he had to loosen up the rest of the night. The most interesting moment came not from the judges, though, but from the audience shot of Fuel sitting there, shooting death glares at Elliott.


I suppose they're bearing a grudge against him, accusing him of being the Goliath slayer of last week? Fucking good. Fuck them and their shit attitude toward my cupcake!

That put Katharine up next, and she sat and sweet talked Clive and then gave the googly eyes to the camera as she tried to fight her way through noted jailbait fucker R Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly." Clive, he sure didn't do Kat any favors with that song. I've been saying for weeks she's not a belter, and that's what this song requires. And he's obviously trying to fit her into a belter box, which is just going to give him major headaches when it comes time to record.

On the upside for Kat, finally, finally the wardrobe department stopped sabotaging her. She looked gorgeous, hair extensions and all. But the way she looked wasn't enough to overpower the auditory information assaulting me during the song. And it just kept getting worse. Flat, flat, and then just screechy. The fun part, though, was when it was time for her stand and take the reviews. Randy was having none of it. He's had enough of her McMelismaing all over the place and told her she needs to just sing the melody.

Paula? Dear sweet Paula. It was like someone spiked her drink with bitch! She raved about how gorgeous Kat looked, and although that's true, I have a feeling Paula often pads her comments like that because she doesn't ever want to come off as catty. Kind of like how I've backed off on Kat a couple of times because I didn't want to come off like the ugly writer-chick who's just jealous of the beautiful girl. Thing is, I have no problem with pretty girls. I have a big problem with girls who are only pretty and who slide by on their looks and fake charm. And that's exactly what Katharine's been doing for weeks now. She has utterly sucked on that stage, but she's benefited from her looks, and therefore others who gave mediocre performances got cut instead of her. But Paula was having none of that bullshit with this performance. Once she'd laid the "you're beautiful" groundwork, she drew the line at the actual singing. Her review, gauged on the Paula meter, was brutal enough to make Bret Easton Ellis blush. (<--not so arcane writerly reference.)

Kat? She got whiny about it. "You guys have been really hard on me the past few weeks!" Let me tell you something about Kat. That girl has a sharper edge than a Masumune katana sword. We've all seen the surly glares and looks when someone criticizes her performances. I'd respect the hell out of her if she'd just be OUT with her overt bitchiness and stood up for herself. But instead she affects a little-girl voice as she flutters her lashes and has the same forced, cutesy mannerisms of Carrie Bradshaw. But under that thin veneer of saccharine, you know she's thinking "I'll cut you."

What I don't understand is why she gets so angry and upset at them when she so clearly sucks. Can't she hear herself? I wouldn't blame her if she was taking the unnecessary hits. But her getting mad at these times is like a scuba diver getting pissed off at the shark for taking a chunk out of his thigh when he shouldn't have so thoroughly chummed the water before jumping in in the first place.

But, never fear. Simon quickly came to her rescue and that's when I knew that the agenda for the evening was to advance Kat. She and Taylor had the pimp spot three times already, while Elliott's only had it once. And yet when he got placed in the "spot of doom" for this show (every contestant who's sung first in the final three show has always gone home) I figured they weren't really sticking it to him so much as glorifying Taylor. But once Simon outright lied to Kat (and the audience) by saying something along the lines of "despite some bad notes at the end, I think you nearly had a moment," I knew it was all but over.

And that brought us to Taylor. I whined about Clive's pick of "Dancing in the Dark" for him. But later I rationalized that at least it wasn't "Jungleland" or "Thunder Road" or "The River" or "Tenth Avenue Freeze Out" or a hundred other songs. "Dancing in the Dark" should, theoretically, irk me the least if one of Bruce's songs has to be defiled on this show. And yet, I couldn't really reconcile it. I know a big part of it is personal, because not only was that song the one that rocketed Springsteen into the superstar stratosphere, but also because that's the time in my life when I started "growing up". I was still too young to know about threesomes yet, but I was just getting old enough to think there was something cool -- not icky -- about The Boss's sweat soaked white shirt in that video. In other words, it was right at the time of this song's release, and at least partially spurred by it, that the tectonic plates of my personal world forever shifted, even if I hadn't yet felt the earth move.


Courteney Cox? Yeah, I wanted to be her.

I don't resent Taylor for doing the song. What the fuck, he didn't pick it. And even if he had, I like it when people love Bruce. In fairness, it actually went down fairly easy, but I did think it wasn't very good. It’s a song about sex. Restless, desperate, horny sex. I like Taylor, but to me, he's about as sexy as berber carpeting. Bruce growls his way through the song. I don't want to say that Taylor hot dogged his way through it, but when he was finished, I had to wipe mustard off my television screen. Also, he seemed to be taking gesturing advice from Elliott, because on the line "this gun's for hire," Taylor actually made a gun motion with his hand. Worse, it was oddly reminiscent of the kicking of the mic stand incident, because Taylor cocked it twice before firing. I'm not even going to make a comment about what deeper, sexual connotations that could possibly have. I suppose it would've been worse if he'd been over-eager and accidentally made the gesture on the previous line, though.

If nothing else, though, we did get this moment from it:


Straight up now-- which is something she hasn't been since the mid '90s -- I'll tell you, I will love Paula forever. No lie though, I know Taylor had to get back to the stage, but Bruce would've never turned his back on a drunk, pretty lady tottering on high heels on a catwalk while obviously impaired and falling out of her strapless dress. Not so cool that Taylor plucked the lovely up and then left her in the dust. But Paula's a pro and she not only kept her boobs tucked in and didn't lose her footing and kept the smile on her face, she actually danced her way down. Plus, we got her feisty comment about wishing she'd been prepared cause she'd have used double-sided tape!

Anyhow. Thus ended the Clive portion of the show, bringing us to judge's choice.

Paula gave Elliott "What You Won't Do For Love." It was a love-filled night for Paula. She and Simon even had much fun with each other.

At Ryan's prodding, she blathered on incoherently a bit about love and soul and funkiness and Elliott and couldn't really make sense of it. But then Elliott came out, and love and soul and funkiness he was.

The band sucked. But it's been a long season and honestly, with Chris gone, I think my game is kinked up. I'm just not into the chop-socky kind of rabid bitchiness to go off on a full rant. Anyhow. Elliott sang great. Elliott looked great. Plate tectonics, earthquakes, blah, blah, love, soul, blah threesomes, you get the picture. The thing is this: I don't care. I like Taylor, but no, he's not sexy to me. I don't care what people say about him -- Elliott is. Singing songs like this, he melts the marshmallow in my s'mores. He puts enough overt sex in his voice to make Jesse Jane blush. (<--not a writerly reference)

Here's where the unsavory business of the guys tonight crossing swords comes in. Taylor repeatedly shouted out to his fans "Soul Patrol! Soul Patrol!" I don't mind. I think it's cute. But it's also unfortunate for both Elliott and Taylor that they ran into each other this year. Or, possibly, fortuitous. I mean, you know how when you play with someone really good you raise your game? I wonder if he and Elliott didn't end up really helping each other out in this thing. Chris was a rocker, but he didn’t have anyone to rock against. And although Taylor claimed the "soul" position this year, dark horse Elliott just kept getting better and raising his game, and Elliott's natural style is funkier and more soulful than Taylor's. Taylor's a showman, yes. And he can sing. And he loves what he sings. But Elliott's got more authenticity with this vibe. So they ended up crossing genre swords tonight in this tangled, lusty mess. Here's the problem for Elliott. He's got the genuine Masumune katana sword which he handles with deft precision and finesse, but Taylor has the Hollywood Hattori Hanzo sword, and he wields it with force. (And if you don't get that grindhouse metaphor at all, well, just move along. But trust me, it's good shit.)

Anyhow. Randy, taking the supreme Ed McMahon role this time actually told Elliott he was sharp for most of the song. So now he's not just drinking from the deaf cup, he's also drinking from the asshole cup. Paula blithered something, but it was fairly weak, and Simon painted himself as the good guy by admitting that Elliott actually sang the song good.

And that's when disaster struck for all the Elliott lovers.

Kat sang Simon's pick for her, "Somewhere Over The Rainbow." Aw, fuck, you know? What do you expect me to say? Sure, she Fantasia'd it by sitting on the floor. Sure, she gazed dewy-eyed into the camera. But she also did exactly what she hasn't done for weeks on the show. She toned down the shouting and she sang. She's not a screamer, she's a chanteuse. And with this song, she was enchanting. I mean, I don't like the McPhony bitch. Not a bit. But that was great. Memorable great. Just as Simon had been hoping, it was "moment" great. When you put together that song and this face:

it's pretty hard to not see her moving on to the finals.

All hail Simon, the Cinderella slayer. And he knew it. Everyone knew it. Of course, he took some credit for it which isn't surprising. Simon, I bet he could get a moonlighting job with Cirque de Soleil if he wanted, cuz it takes a gifted contortionist to be able to bend over and kiss one's own ass the way he so relentlessly does. But in all honesty, he did pass congratulations along to Katharine, too.

Interesting, too, that amid this night of threesomes and love and sex laden songs from the guys that Katharine finally climaxed while singing a song about achieving personal dreams and happiness. Note, it's not ironic. It's quite fitting for Kat.

Worse, it'll probably even help her snatch the gay vote for the night.

Randy applauded her, and even my drunk, sweet girl gave up the Paulaticing for her candidate Elliott and gave Kat her due.

So, then Taylor had to follow that. Pfft. Randy gave him the uninspired "You Are So Beautiful" by Joe Cocker. Me? I thought it was okay. I thought Taylor kept missing the "to me" notes. I really did. Taylor? I think he thought he kind of dogged it, too. I swear, I didn't search for this grab, because it was his face when he was awaiting comments:


Does that look like a happy, confident guy to you? No. It looks like a guy who's just been shoved aside and relegated to reluctant voyeur position.

But maybe I drank from the deaf cup because all the judges loved it. Simon even told him it was his best performance to date.

That brought us back around to the contestant's song choice. Taylor, one of his primary fan sites is graycharles.com. That's because Ray Charles is Taylor's idol. So Elliott, he chose to do a Ray Charles song. Please reference my previous post where I talked about Elliott having cojones. Please note again our little chat about crossing swords. Ahem. Elliott sang "I Believe To My Soul." Honestly? I didn't know this song. But I did note the lyrics and what the song is about. Of interest, one of the lines is even "Tryin' to make a fool of me." Is Elliott really that coy? I'd like to think he is. I don't think he's stupid. And I think he's fought a lot harder than anyone expected him to to get where he is in this competition.

This year, the deck was stacked. Taylor, Chris, Katharine, and even Paris were ringers. They had oodles of performing and even touring and recording experience. None of them were "unknowns." But Elliott was. And here's the thing about Elliott. Somehow, the producers found a ringer of an underdog in Elliott. And they know it. No one on this show has ever come from so little experience and grown and improved as much as he has. His voice was always there. And in all honesty, the cosmetic stuff isn't such a big deal. Face it, it's a suntan, a haircut, and a goatee. That's all.


But the bout of stage tremors he's overcome is really quite amazing. The confidence he's picked up is mind-boggling. But he knows exactly where he stands in the producer's view at this point. Either they're ready for him to go, or they REALLY want to keep him pigeonholed into the underdog slot all the way to the finale. It makes for great TV. And it's probably just a zen-ful coincidence that he chose to sing about getting dogged. But that makes for good TV, too.

And seriously. These guys?


Fuck them.

Elliott sang good. Again. Randy said so. Paula burbled something. And then Simon, he gave a heart-warming little kiss-off speech, basically repeating what he'd said last night on Leno. (Gee, you mean he already had his thoughts planned before they performed? Shocking!) He told Elliott his songs wouldn't put him through to the finale, but that he's one of the best singers they've ever had on the show, and one of the nicest guys, and he made his mom proud.

The best part? Elliott didn't cry! Nope. Not at that. He didn't even get misty. He didn't get mad either. He laughed. And it wasn't a rueful laugh. He just laughed and was happy, just like Elliott. That's pretty funny. Keep laughing Elliott. Because Kat may have had the performance of the night, but you did damn great all season. And while you laughed and while Kat and Taylor sang, I started voting. And so did all the other underdog lovers. You might go home, cupcake. But you might just be laughing onstage again next Tuesday at the Kodak Theatre, young grasshopper with katana.

So then after that, Kat sang again. "I Ain't Got Nothing But The Blues." I was hoping she'd screw the pooch with it, but she didn't. It wasn't great, but it wasn't awful. But it wasn't enough of anything to erase the memory of her stellar performance from earlier, either. Bitch.

Taylor's choice was "Try A Little Tenderness." He's been hellbent to get this song sung on this show, and they screwed him out of it the first time. After tonight, I can see why he wanted to bust it out. However, I also think he's damn lucky that it got saved for this night. I mean, I guess it doesn't really matter. We all know that Taylor's bulletproof. But he didn't just reinforce his defenses with this song, he took the offensive and kicked serious ass. It was great. The audience knew it. He knew it. Here's him:


Yep. That's the trademark Taylor, "I've got soul and I have to pee" funky-soul-pleading stance. Like I said. I like him lots. But not sexy.

He'd obviously been saving this one up and finally blew his wad in glorious fashion tonight. That Hattori Hanzo steel isn't to be trifled with.

So, after an orgiastic feast like that, where does that leave everyone? Well. Just like in most threesomes, it's eventually going to result in an odd man out. Or, possibly, a woman. But really, what are the odds of a beautiful woman getting kicked out of bed, even if she is self-serving and shrill at times?

Two will move on to the limelight for another week, while one will be left dancing in the dark. (oh, yes, I did just get that cheesy. Wait for it, it gets better.) If Kat's gone, sayonora, princess. But Elliott, if you go, don't despair. You can lay down your katana, and if you need a pal to cheer you up, call me, 'cause this gun's for hire. After all, I'm sick of sitting 'round here trying to write this book.

40 comments:

steph said...

i fucking hate AI. They screwed elliott over, dirty bitches. Even if he had enough votes to make it in the finale, i seriously think, they'd still let kat through instead. That's tv for you. That's fucking america for you. Stupid deaf voters...it's like they vote for her thinking they'll get their dicks sucked later or something. whatever.
thanks for a great recap, seriously, your site rocks!
Forgive my bitchy attitude.

meep said...

When I finally put down the phone, it did feel like I was proudly laying down my sword.

This truely was the wackiest and best AI season yet....thanks largely to finding your blog. You and Elliott Yamin have a devoted and loving new fan.

His velvet throat. Your pen. I kiss them both.

Noone said...

"And seriously. These guys?...Fuck them."

So funny, thanks for your recap.

I haven't seen the other performances yet but I've listened to Elliott and at first I thought he sounded too stressed - but I think it was me who was carrying that load. The more I listen the more I like what I hear, and that's typically Elliott because I can't stand the Open Arms song.

But what really struck me was the I Believe song. Here he is on a stage in front of millions of viewers, the karaoke kid, knowing full well that he's been screwed over for most of the season and concluding fuck-this I'm going sing my song. I think Elliott chose this song because he could hear the clock ticking and didn't want to go on a compromise. I admire him so much for his balls and dignity in doing this, talk about staying true to yourself.

The boy is an idol, he don't need no title to confirm this.

Suki said...

The only thing I can say, it aint over till the fat lady .... but I too am already wondering what to do with myself now, he has been such a big part of my life these past few months, sniff. I suppose I will just have to wait until his first album comes out, go into smug mode when it turns platinum and then get my fat arse on a plan to the US to see his first concert.

Darnee said...

Stumbled upon your blog through an AI post over at TV W/O Pity, you have a new fan in a fellow Elliott lover.

Excellent summation of the recent episode, couldn't have said it better myself!

I am superstitious and I am keeping my fingers crossed, even in the state they are in after my 2-hour text voting marathon tonight.

Darnée

Anonymous said...

You have no idea how badly I need this write-up. Beyond hilarious. We love ya, diPlacido!

Anonymous said...

That was just awesome.

I love and adore Elliott, and he got screwed so bad last night. He's too good for that damn show.

I agree...Kat is a bitch. I'm so glad you let all of that out! She can't handle criticism from three judges without moaning about it. She'll never survive in the entertainment industry if she can't take a little criticism.

Elliott is da bomb. Love him. He is my idol no matter what the show says. He has class. He is humble, kind, respectful and an all-around beautiful person inside and out. I loved his last song. He sang the truth. Referencing a term used toward Miss Pickler earlier this season...He was "ballsy!"

Love ya E!!! My idol 4-ever!!!

V.J. said...

I love your blog. I do think that Elliott got played this week!. I could easily see it, and ditto on the Simon part...did he even chnage what he said on Leno and tonight?! haha.
Anywho....I hope your right, I hope that my boy, OUR BOY, Elliott makes it through tonight!. He had the most evolution and all. Kat did great in her second song, but should go home overall!. This coming night should be interesting.

Anonymous said...

WOW, I got your blog from the American Idol boards, someone posted it there, and let me just say you are one phenomenal writer. I actually laughed out loud during some parts. Maybe this is because I am an Elliott-fan, too, but I tip my hat to you. I love your writing!

Ellen said...

I dunno. I guess I saw a different Katherine than everyone else, because to me, the EFFORT of her Over the Rainbow was palpable and made me uncomfortable. So no, not a stellar performance. But that's me. I like a performer who either looks like he's having fun onstage, or is living the song. Katherine did neither.

Anyway, the judges comments seemed so rehearsed and so removed from the actual performances I would have thrown something at the TV if I was more vested in the thing, but I'm not. You know Taylor's my fave, but even if he gets knocked off tonight (unlikely but possible), I won't weep. It was a fun season, and he'll have a career.

Of course, I think Katherine deserves to leave, but I think America is voting with judges.

But we'll see. It does look like Elliott's going home tonight, but I think it's going to be a close contest. Anything could happen.

"I've got soul and I have to pee."
Hahahaha! Love you, Susan!

Anonymous said...

Great recap - really funny! I haven't even watched this episode of AI yet but I'm feeling a bit down about Elliott, do you know what? I Love Him!!
Thanks to twop for linking your site, you have a new fan. I love to lurk, and will enjoy reading the rest of your blog.

laura petrie said...

Thanks, as always, diPlacido, for putting into such eloquent terms, my exact sentiments. It was really a very "Screw the Pooch" evening for our man, but he stayed true to himself with no compromise. Who knows what's going to happen tonight -- but it's been a hell of a ride.

Myfanwy Collins said...

Oh Susan! PERFECT post. So many great lines that I stopped trying to collect them all and your ending--PERFECTION! This just flows out of you doesn't it? You ARE Courtney Cox. You are right up there in your sleeveless American flag shirt, my friend.

Katherine gives me the creeps. Why must she always smile??? My husband said he wished that Judy Garland had been on stage with her and done what she used to do to Liza (critiquing, pushing microphone in face, etc). That would have been cool! They could have done one of those splicing her onto the stage. Sadly, I'm worried she won't be leaving tonight.

But wouldn't it make great TV if she did... hmmmm.

trudi said...

Something was going on in Elliot's head tonight. Maybe he noticed the very long version of SWOTR and his very short version of every song. Why did TPTB lose their stopwatch for KKKKKat?. Or maybe he was hoping the Crypt Keeper would drop dead right in the audience for picking that "rocking song". I know I was
And the Simon sendoff,emasculating or what?
I hate hate hate hate Simon. I hate Randy. I wish I drank so I could get as drunk as Paula and blackout the most outrageous incident of contestant sabotage ever. Will never watch another season of AI. EVER.

P.S. Thank your Susan for your right-on comments this whole season.

Shello said...

Hail hail! I totally agree with your review. I love Elliott and I feel so bad for him because AI is trying to screw him over.

They just can't give a fair competition, could they? They are so cheap. Nigel, u suck. All of those AI producer, u all suck.

kg said...

ohhh... i'm on vacation - have not seen the performances yet (though have already listened to them via the 'net) - thanks so much for your E comments. your play-by-play has made me feel so much better, no matter what happens on the results show tonight, b/c you made me feel that E has made peace with the results, no matter what, and that's all any of his die-hard fans can ask for.

Don Capone said...

With Over the Rainbow, Kat just about locked up the AI crown. She looked great and sounded great. And I disagree with you guys—I don't think AI is trying to screw Elliott. I mean one of the judges came out and said she wants him to win! She cries during his perfomances! Taylor and Kat don't have a cheerleader like that. (Anyway, at this point it's a popularity contest.)

Anonymous said...

OK so it looks like the purest vocalist of the lot may be on his way home tonight? Why oh why oh why. Simple really this is American Idol and the demographics would suggest he should not have lasted this long, which in itself is a testament to the mans brilliance. Taylor seems to be liked here, I have listened to the MP3s and he does little for me. Kathryn - are we really THAT superficial, she is so god damn awful and the voice is just so over trained, affected and aggrevating. I am certain, absolutely certain the woman runs on batteries.

Anonymous said...

OK, was it just me or did McKat forget her Mclyrics again on the RKelly song? I don't believe my drink had the deaf juice in it, but it sure sounded like she got Mcsilent, Mchem-hawed around then tried to catch up and the band tried to match her. Am I wrong??
God, her floor lounge act was total dripping sap - had to shower after that one.

Smithy said...

Hey Susan...love your reviews...
Look at this:

"What You Won't Do For Love" 1:20
"Somewhere Over The Rainbow" 2:34

It is so unfair...How could they let Kat perform for almost twice as long as Elliott? This is stupid...
IMO, anyone can have a 'MOMENT' if their song lasted 2 minutes and 34 seconds...
Damn show...

Jason said...

Thank you for such a great analysis of the evening. It was like salve on a burn for me.

I whole-heartedly agree with your insight that all of the other top 10 contestants (even Pickler has been in Idol-like contests before) have much professional experience, while Elliott has none and yet out-sang every fucking one of them.

He truly is the biggest underdog in AI history, and the image I have after last night is a bunch of insecure, scabby losers outside a gas station in some podunk town kicking a dog. Clive, Simon, Randy, Paula, Ryan (with his bullshit hair-pulling with Paula before Elliott's second song) and Fuel have all sold their souls in exchange for the fame they could never earn on the basis of their fucked-up personalities. Elliott's "fame" is strictly a result of his humble, everyman personality and his pure talent, and they must feel pretty uncomfortable with that.

Last night I felt like Elliott collapsed, but after thinking about the high-snark nature of "I Believe To My Soul" and reading your recap, I know that he just decided to do his thing because they were going to give him the boot no matter what.

Simon told Pickler she was ballsy, but Elliott's the real ballsy one; he told Chris he was the first contestant to refuse to comprimise, but last night Elliott showed the bald fuck what not comprimising really looks like.

I feel better. I hope he goes far because that dude is sexy (and no, Kat's still-screechy rendering of SOTR did not win this gay boy's vote).

I'm still sad I won't get to see him showered in confetti next week.

Cam said...

I thought Elliott sang great. But the songs, unfortunately, are not popular songs that will get him voted. I think he will go (bawl! my heart is really sad right now) but I think Kat should definitely go.

I hate Simon, 19E, etc. And even Randy, for tonight.

Great recap! And nice "sword" analogy there. :)

Lemonfresh said...

Another great recap... I really needed that this morning.

I haven't lost all hope yet though!

SusanD said...

Oh my goodness! Last night didn't just touch a nerve, eh? It kind of pinched it.

Don-- you are deluded if you seriously think Kat (or even Elliott if he survives) has a chance in hell of beating Taylor. And you're probably more stoned than I am if you didn't see the manipulations -- including the song lengths which I refused to even comment on.

Ellen -- Taytay is going nowhere. He won this thing the second Ryan said, "Chris, you're going home." He was probably going to beat Chris anyhow, but that locked it up. I have no problem with that, either, especially because he can kick ass, and more consistently than Kat. And yes, I thought it was rehearsed, but she did at least finally sound good. And you just can't beat a face like that, no matter how much of a twunt she is.

Myfanwy -- YAY to your husband! That's hilarious. Though I have a feeling if it wouldn't have disqualified her, Kat's mom WOULD have run up there and done that several times this season. Reference Dave White's HILARIOUS recap from a couple weeks ago when he gave the during-commercial story of how Mrs. McPhee attacked Paula during commercial for being mean to her daughter. Seriously.

Steph -- bitchiness forgiven. It was sad, indeed. But I still think he's got a decent chance, here.

Lemonfresh-- like you, I haven't tossed in the towel yet. A loss is likely, but if people voted like crazy, it's possible he'll make it.

Cam -- I agree about the songs, except for Paula's. But they gave him a whole 1:17 to sing it. But I love that he sang that all-knowing Ray Charles song if that is his swan song.

Jason-- YAY for you. excellent call on the "not compromising". You're dead right.

Petrie!

Smithy, Trudi -- in agreement about song length. I timed it as I was pulling the screen grabs, but didn't want to harp too hard on the manipulations, because in the end, it does come down to votes, and we're supposed to be a nation of free-thinkers. Ahem.

Shello, Darnee, thanks so much for stopping by. love your right on comments.

Suki -- I'm buying his CD. Indeed. I hate to endorse this, but if you want to give AI a message, you can go pay to buy his downloads from this season. He's been the download king at Rickey.org all season. If he is on the AI site, too, maybe they'll get the gist that there is an audience for more than McKraptastic bullshit.

Noone-- dignity! Right on. He's got that.

Meep -- thank you so much!


v.j. -- thanks!

anon -- yes she forgot her jalbait fucker lyrics -- again!

another anon -- I can see Taylor not doing anything for you. He entertains me though. And Kat is definitely programmed. By both her parents and L. Ron Hubbard.


kg -- I think Elliott would be classy and at peace with nearly anything other than them setting his hair on fire, though.

Anonymous said...

I am a big overseas fan of Elliott and Susan diPlacido. Although my English is not good enough,I totally have lots of fun reading
your writing,there is magic in there. I have received two unexpected gifts:E's voice and
Susan's words during AI5.

By the way,I really hate plastic Kat.She has no "soul" at all.I even hate Kat's mom on the fist shot during K' audition.Remember
what she did by the door was just
like a thief,not classy at all.
No wonder she would raise Kat up as a bitch. I can't help loving
Yamin mom. In the contrast,I just
feel throwing out towards the McPhees. Yuck !

Suki said...

I can't believe how many have spoken up today! It's great. I will do the download thingy Susan, anything to get the point across. He hasn't gone yet, there is still hope. I had a chat with god today, well being a Londoner and Arsenal being in the final of The Champions League tonight (soccer, big thing over here!). I have said, if he lets Elliott though, then Barcelona can beat Arsenal, bloody childish I know but these are desperate times.

Terrie said...

Love Elliott! But his sparkle was missing. He is usually hyper, but he seemed lethargic. I live in California, so I always listen to his performance mp3s before the show is broadcast here. He sounded great as always, but those of us who are attuned to his moods could tell something had happened to him.

Love you, Susan! Elliott's text messaging fans might come through with a grand finale writing assignment for you.

MJ at her Big Blog called Fuel famewhoring asshats.

Allison said...

I thank the good Lord above that those Yaminions (and TWoPpers) have pointed me in your direction, albiet too late in the season. I knew that there would be some form of catharsis from your prose after that which was Last Night. I'm taking small consolation in the fact that I did all that I could possibly do to make sure that this CinderElliott story had a "happily ever after ending". I will hold out the smallest speck of hope that I will be suprised this evening, but at least I am pleased that Taylor kicking will be kicking the pretty, pretty princess to the 'bridesmaid-but-never-the-bride' curb. I may have my Tuesdays and Wednesdays free again (and my solemn vow that I will NEVER get this overinvested in AI again), but at least I have a new place to while away work time. Brava!

Cath said...

Another great summary, Susan.

I went into Tuesday night with the hope that Elliott would get a fair chance but I should have known better after Simon's appearance on Leno that wasn't going to happen.

The difference in song length just makes me want to never watch this show again but I have a feeling come next Februrary, I'll find my self sucked in once again. Oh well.

Pinto said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed that the fucking producers were doing everything possible to crush Elliott. He put in three solid, but not spectacular, performances. Even though he was obviously out of his element with “Open Arms,” he still sang it well (even Randy had to grudgingly admit this). Elliott’s best song should’ve been “What You do for Love,” and the producers knew it. That’s why they truncated it beyond recognition. Elliott was barely able to sing three bars before the band shoved him off the stage. The arrangement was fucked up so he would not be able to showcase his vibes. In contrast, they allowed Katharine to sing “Over the Rainbow” in its entirety. That was the first time I’ve seen a contestant do that. I thought the song would never end. Katharine was allowed to shine in her full diva glory. Anybody noticed the fantastic light show they put up for her? Fucking Breck commercials had nothing over that light show. Wow, talking about pimping. As for Taylor, if his shtick passes for “soulfulness,” then you have never listened to Otis Redding, Sam Cooke, or Percy Sledge. Taylor is Michael Bolton soulful. John Belushi parodying Joe Cocker did a better cover of “You Are so Beautiful.”

Alicia of Burbank said...

Oh Susan, I came to your blog too late but I know this much is true: YOU are my American Idol. I love reading your hilarious, BRILLIANT comments and I'm your wholehearted fan.

Katharine's SOTR performance (was the camera face-fucking her or WHAT?) was stellar but sandwiched between two typical McPhooey screech fests. I'm an admitted fan of the ousted bald one but like I told you elsewhere, whenever I've voted (and I don't have much patience for the busy signals) it's been for Elliott because of my affinity for underdawgs everywhere. Last night I braved the redial on my phone and got Elliott's thanks-for-voting a full dozen times, the first time I've ever voted that many times for anything (oh, except for myself), and Elliott owes those votes to YOU! Dreamy and creamy as his voice is and as much as I want McPheever to break, I'd never punch a redial button for the better part of two hours without your inspiration.

The Bald One got offed against all expectations and McPhlegm was the second lowest at that time. It could happen.

Anonymous said...

What an excellent post, you silvered tongue devil... Thanks for the laugh I needed that and I agree with everything you said.
I could not stand Kat's rendition of Somewhere over the Rainbow... there are certain songs that are popular that should never be altered when sung and that is one of them... I hated it!
Elliott is getting the shaft, gives new meaning to " it's America's choice, so if you don't vote you can't blame the judges" Well you can blame the judges who are suppose to be impartial and not have favorites, which is obvious they have done. So if Elliott is voted off tonight it won't be because that is America's choice, it's the judges/Clive's choice... be that as it may... Out Boy will be successful because he will get a recording contract, probably with someone better anyway...

SusanD said...

Anon -- your English is fine --you can call Kat plastic and appreciate Mama Yamin!

Suki -- I can NOT believe you put E over Arsenal! Crazy! But sweet :)

Terrie -- thanks for the MJ heads up, I haven't gotten over there yet. Good for her! He was less sparkly performance-wise. Actually, at the start of What You Won't Do, when he was singing right to Paula, I thought he was ON, but then he seemed to get a little swallowed by the chopped arrangement and it kinked his performance. But not the vocals.

Allison -- I, too will get great joy if Katharine moves on and watching Taylor eat her for breakfast.

Cath-- we are addicts.

Pinto -- you said "Fucking Breck commercials had nothing over that light show." LOL! I wish I'd written that!

Alicia -- thank you! Thank you for voting for E and for the McPhlegm comment. You would be so good at doing a recap like this, funny lady.

Anon -- for some reason, I'm not willing to send Elliott off quite yet. Call me crazy, but...he will be successful, either way.

Mike said...

I like you. You get it.
And I like Elliott. He's just the best singer.
It's just too bad this isn't a singing competition anymore.

And I think Taylor has Palsy. What is up with his ever-curled left hand?

Suki said...

lol Susan, hubby was not impressed he said I am reminding him of Annie Wilkes, he thought I liked Simon. And as I type it is half time and Arsenal are 1 nil up so there you go. As for me liking simon... I thought Simon was good but he's not he's just another lying ol' dirty birdy.

Anonymous said...

Great write-up! It would be hilarious if you could incorporate this image somehow. . . http://img65.imageshack.us/img65/695/8663225mediavast5172006115432a.jpg ;)

With fingers crossed for an Elliott/Taylor finale,
Jill

Jim said...

i was so pissed about 'what you won't do for love'. the freaking song is only 2 verses long and he only sang one. i don't know who chooses the arrangement or if elliott couldn't remember all the words, but fuck the performance was only 1:15. compare that with the 1:45 some where over the rainbow for kat.

kat's gone last 3 times, taylor 3 times, elliott once.

ugh, a season of consistently good performances for elliott erased by one good performance by kat if she moves through.

kathryn said...

first off, i ADORE your writing and you, and i have been meaning to write for a while, but never got organized enough to do so. like you, i am an all round crazy broad but there's time for that later, when i have recovered from what will happen today to elliott. i am a yaminion and am literarykate there. havent been able to log on there for pretty much the last 24 hours and therefore am really finding this really HARD, with no coping mechanism for this distressful waiting period. not sure if any one else can, or it's just the server being so busy from where i am on the planet (Singapore) So it's been I miss all the yaminions to bits and how we could really get each other through during this hard time. I hope the site gets up and running fine again. SOON! The powers that be really outdid themselves this time, reaching a thus far unreached obscene level of pimping the undeserving. Elliott's just a gem of a man. Am feeling sooooooooooooo tragicated. Results should be out about now? Toodles for now, will get in touch again later

Kathryn
sunkissedvirgo@yahoo.com

SusanD said...

Mike -- Grazie. Poor Taylor. He'll not only be the Idol, he's going to be the most imitated and mocked contestant ever.

Suki -- I hope Arsenal hung on to win. Cause. Well, you know.

Jill -- that picture drives me utterly insane. INSANE. I'll try to work it in ;)

Jim. Well. It's done.

Kathryn -- the site is up and running fine, so I don't know what's wrong for you. Yikes. Crazy broads like us need to vent. Trust me, I get that. Yes, results are out. You're better off being disconnected.

Anonymous said...

Only thing I'm not sure I agree with is the sword analogy. "Who would win a sword fight between Taylor and Elliott?" really is the ultimate rhetorical question, isn't it?

The closest thing to an answer I can imagine is, "No one...Taylor would talk Elliott out of it, there would be man-hugs, and they would go out for a beer together."