Thursday, May 18, 2006

I love a parade

So. Elliott got booted last night. As the final indignity, since he's going out in third place he doesn't even get to do the whole media-slut thing because he's got to stick around the studio and "rehearse for the finale."

Anyhow. Last night's results? If last week was the jovial SHOCK elimination of the year, this week was supposed to be the teary "special" send off episode. They did their best at this, and I suppose they succeeded. However, for people who knew what was coming and saw the orchestrations that helped lead up to it, it was kind of borderline condescending. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure they do like Elliott and all, because he's a great guy and a great singer and yes the show has to maneuver things in the way they did or else it wouldn't have as much payoff. But still.

Anyhow, it followed the standard procedure: recap and then car commercial. I can tell it's nearing the end of the season, or I'm overly bitter about Elliott going because I can't come up with much to say about that commercial last night, other than to reiterate my thoughts of how the commercial producers are on the really good drugs. But I will note that the Idols got double-whored last night though, cause right after the car commercial they showed a clip of them getting the new X-men movie on DVD and they had watch it on their way home and give it a thumbs up for the camera. Hugh Jackman? I wouldn't mind whoring for him a little.

After that, we got to see a recap of everyone's trip home last week. First up was Taylor, and Ryan kicked it off by telling us that Taylor ate lots of ribs, even for breakfast.

Uh. Yeah. We can see that. We can clearly see that even though he's not particularly enjoying the food in LA, he's been stress-eating his way through the competition. I mention this only because, well, I can. Because if it was Kat getting fatter by the week, people'd be all over that shit. (And you KNOW if she'd packed on the 10-15 pounds that Taylor has, we'd have gotten MUCH better screen caps and cattier commentary on the results last night because she'd have lost just enough of the "i wanna bang that broad" vote to get her kicked off.) So as Taylor grows another chin, even though I like him, I'm not letting it slide. On the upside, even though he was so busy going home, Taylor did find time to go shopping, because he got a bigger shirt finally so even if he was stressing results his expanded belly wasn't stressing the fabric for a change.

Anyhow, back in Birmingham, they did it up right for TayTay. They're old hands at this by now, after Ruben and Bo, so they've got a good handle on what they're doing. I was gratified to see that the "I've got to pee but I'll do it with soul" stance has already caught on as his trademark, because the giant welcome home billboard they had for him showcased it nicely:


But Taylor got the whole shebang -- a parade and a couple of gatherings where he sang and got the keys to the city, which he hung around his neck. I know this is a custom, but I'm going to admit my ignorance here in the hopes someone can explain it to me. Exactly what the fuck is with giving people the keys to the city? What the hell do they do with them? Do they eventually give them back? Or do they just keep them? These keys -- do they actually fit a lock somewhere, or are they just any old keys. Like, the mayor hears that Taylor's coming home and doesn't have the actual keys onhand so he just tosses him the keys to his shed out back or something and no one knows the difference?

Then he went to the Governor's mansion, and then he went to a mall near his high school. There were tons of people for him everywhere, everyone giving him love, and apparently plenty of barbecue.

After his film clip, Taylor got up and did "Taking It To The Streets" cause that's his cut on this year's Idols CD. He chose not to reprise the furious arm wind-up thing from his first performance of it. Instead, he got Katharine and Elliott involved and got them up and had them dance around with him. It was cute, even if he's going to that well maybe once too often after Paula last night. But it was funny to see Elliott dancing like a leprechaun and it was quite telling that Katharine really wouldn't dance with Elliott once Taylor left them both in the dust. She was too busy shaking and doing her own thang up there. It would become the theme of the evening.

Anyhow, then we got the highlight of the evening: Katharine's trip home. I can tell she's raw about her trip home, because she made excuses and tried to cover her pain. I'd have made fun of the pathetic showing anyhow, but since she revealed an exposed nerve about it, you bet I'm gonna tap it even harder.

For all her blatant desire to be an actress, and for growing up with a stage mother and living in LA, Katharine really has horribly poor control of herself and her emotions. I get the feeling it's because she's never had it "rough" before, and this shit the show is putting her through, like someone telling her when she sucks, and not getting a parade thrown in her honor, are just too much for her fragile, pampered sensibilities to bear. But she really needs to learn to hold her cards closer to that money-making chest of hers. Because right now, she's in a fishbowl. But now that she's made it to the finale of Idol, immediately after she gets rudely shoved aside and as she's shaking Taylor's celebration confetti out of her hair and while her heart is still breaking, she's going to be tossed out into the ocean of LA. Her immediate future is going to be so shark infested it's going to make the last 10 minutes of "Open Water" seem tame by comparison. I'd have thought her great-white of a mother would've trained her a bit better in this regard, but it's obvious that Mrs. Mommy McPhame-whore is a bit too blinded by ambition and drunk with arrogance to be savvy or have some guile (or class) yet.

Anyhow. Here's how she revealed her disappointment. Katharine told Ryan, "I may not have had thousands of people show up but I really felt the support."

Did you now, Princess? Taylor got a parade and the mayor and governor and screaming, cheering throngs all over the city. Kat got a high school gymnasium, stocked with the students whose attendance was mandatory!! It was fucking hilarious.


Especially because, it wasn't even a big gymnasium! The JV cheerleaders did a little cheer for her and kids held up signs as she trotted her twat ass around the basketball court, looking directly at girls who in three short years would be replacing her as flavor-of-the-day piece of ass.

So, then, of course, the producers not only finally gave Elliott the pimp spot he'd so well earned the previous night and been fucked out of, but they also gave him his performance time back that they'd given to Kat's "Rainbow" last night for his "going home" segment as well. Saving the best for last? Sure.

Anyhow, bitterness aside, Elliott's trip home was pretty awesome for him. He got the whole works, including thousands of people cheering and waving, the key to the city, a parade, tossing out the first pitch at a sold out Braves game, and meeting the governor. Of course, he was all excited and gracious and overwhelmed by it all. When he met the governor, he didn't shake his hand -- he dove right in and gave him a big hug. Oh, I swear, if he were anyone else, my jaded ass would have a field day raking him over the coals. But for whatever reason, for Elliott, all that crap just kind of works. And, I was personally delighted to see that when he threw out the first pitch, he hurled a strike right in there, using a full wind up! Go E!


It must've been at least three times they showed him saying a variation of "this is the best day of my life." Here's the AI machine translation for that: And it's the best it's ever gonna get -- loser! They kept hitting that "he's so grateful and lucky" button, and of course, we the audience automatically associate benevolence and generosity with AI for "giving" him this day. The whole idea is to ease the sting of him being voted off and to keep AI in a favorable light. So. Here comes the traditional response after a hardcore screwing like Elliott just took -- Was it good for you? Really. Did it work for you? I'll be honest -- as nasty as I am, I was happy for Elliott and glad he got such a nice day. And, as much as I'd like to play the blame card, it still boils down to this -- Elliott signed up for this. Maybe the producers didn't play "nice" or "fair" with him, but no one ever said it was going to be nice or fair. We don't watch it because it's nice and fair, at least I don't. And yes he's the underdog, but I still can't really muster too many tears or anguish for a guy who got a parade thrown in his honor for simply singing on TV. I'm not saying he (or Taylor) doesn't deserve a parade. I think it's nice. But it is a hell of a thing, you know?

Watching it, Elliott cried. Paula cried. Of course. Then, still half-choked up, Elliott sang "Moody's Mood" again for us. He was choked up, so he was a bit off, but I'll take it.

So. After that, they did a little segment where they brought out Clive Davis again and he stood there and told us how artistic and wonderful AI is and how many "units" of product they've moved, because that's the benchmark for success and happiness and goodness, you know! It was smarmy. But, whatever.

And that took us to results. I don't know what to think of the veracity of the numbers they flashed. The kneejerk impulse is to think they did this to make Elliott feel good about coming so close, but really, what the fuck's it matter? Losing is losing, you know? The whole purpose was actually to put the question mark in people's minds (and maybe shake up Taylor) by letting them think his margin isn't that great and to therefore build "suspense" for the finale. Here's how they said it shook out:
Over 50 million votes, with 1st, 2nd and 3rd getting these percentages:
33.68
33.26
33.06

If those numbers are true, sure, it was close. But that's still a 210,000 vote difference between one and two. Now, here's the fact: People who voted for Elliott? If they bother to vote, they're gonna toss some Taylor's way. Why? Because he's not a selfish, phony twunt and he can sing, that's why.

I'm telling you right now, Kat beating Taylor can only happen in a world where George Bush can beat Al Gore in an election. You know what I'm saying, right?

Anyhow, rudimentary math done, the loser for the night was revealed, and as you all know, it was Elliott. What'd he do? He gave a half smile and shook his head. Didn't look devastated or anything like that.


Yep. That was his elimination face. And he just got better and classier from there, you bet. But let's take a minute and relive recent history and see if we can learn anything. Notice anything different, other than the over-plucked and penciled eyebrows, between Chris and Elliott and how they handled the rejection? I gave you a hint in case you're having trouble picking it out:


So, then the real fun began. Elliott took it well, but the look on Katharine's face and Taylor's face was immediately telling. I'm afraid I shrunk this maybe too much for you to pick it out right away, but yes, Katharine is already smiling, while Taylor has the class to be upset for Elliott -- or to at least feign such a response.


But, as you can see, Katharine comes by it honestly. Because her grin was nothing compared to the McParents and how they just immediately beamed at the news of Elliott's departure.


Yeah. That was grand. No wonder all these LA people keep telling Elliott what a good guy he is. I mean, I'm not disputing that he's a good guy. But I'm just saying -- CONTRAST really makes it obvious, you know?

They were also kind enough to deny us any verbal reaction from the judges, because really, what could they say? But they did immediately cut to Paula, who was upset, of course. But best, as most people had their eyes glued on Elliott and his reaction in this big moment, look at Randy's reaction! He's eyeballing Paula, cringing away from her, wondering if the crazy bitch is gonna unhinge any second!


Right about this time is when the McPhees can't even control themselves anymore. Smiling and being quietly smug just isn't enough. They actually have to stand up and celebrate!!


Oh yah! Just when you thought you couldn't see a better reaction than Chris's, we get this whole distasteful thing unfolding -- during ELLIOTT'S EJECTION! Katharine, she can't take it anymore either. The smile is full-on by the time she gives Elliott a weak hug goodbye.


Then, as Elliott trots off toward Ryan, Ryan mentions that Taylor and Kat are the final two. Not even a shred of compassion is left for Elliott in Katharine by this point. I mean, hey, her parents are celebrating, why shouldn't she?


Again, let's just revisit that moment from the immediate past. In case you're not seeing the difference between the way Taylor behaves and handles himself and the Katharine does, I've got a hint for you:


So that was it, really. Elliott stood middle stage with Ryan and wasn't nearly as photogenic for mocking purposes as Mr. Daughtry. He used words like proud, honored, blessed, privileged. Seacrest patted him on the shoulder and said something like he shouldn't be unhappy or disappointed, he should be proud of what he's done. In other words, "You never had a chance in hell, ugly one. We gave you the time of your life. Damn right you're grateful." (Yeah, I'm bitter.) Really though, it sounded much nicer the way Ryan put it, but still nearly as patronizing.


After that, they rolled Elliott's "Bad Day" montage. Shocker here -- Elliott got choked up and cried. Here's the thing about Elliott's crying though -- he doesn't cry at the sad or bad shit. He gets overwhelmed and cries at the good stuff. (you do the psychoanalysis there, I'm not touching it.) And since he's had a whole bunch of good stuff on AI, the montage was a whole lot of tears: When he made the top 24, when he met Stevie Wonder. When he sat in an interview and said how lost he was before AI.

Overall, extremely well played by the producers. But like I said before -- they really did get hold of a ringer of an underdog in Elliott. Trust me, I'm a fiction writer, and you can't make this shit up!

Anyhow, Elliott, he pulled his shit together and Ryan gave him a tissue, because Ryan's dapper and prepared like that. We can only hope it was a whole new, fresh one though, and not Pickler's re-used snotrag which was previously flung at Elliott.

And then he sang. Sang that very fitting Ray Charles number again, and they even let him get all the way to the part where he name-checks himself before cutting him off before he'd quite reached the end.

Silver lining -- There's a whole fucking lot of 'em, let me tell you. There will be no humiliating rainbow song for Elliott. There will be no 19E control of what he does. He'll make some cash on the tour, and get more experience.

Touch of grey in the silver lining -- It's really not gonna be easy for him to get a major career going. But for Elliott, I don't think much has been easy in his life. And yet he's already ended up with his own fucking parade!

52 comments:

Anonymous said...

What an awesome recap of last nights show. I love your blogs, this one by far is my favourite. Thank you for pointing out Katharine's disrespect, along with her parents. Unbelievable!

Ellen said...

I think somebody should throw YOU a parade. I read this whole thing without breathing once.

You're MY American Idol, Susan D.

xo

Myfanwy Collins said...

Once again, you shine the perfect light on the whole thing, Susan. Thank you!!

trudi said...

Susan. That recap. Like a post coital cigarette.

So right about Taylor's eating habits. Ribs and pancakes. He was drooling just recalling the meal. I remarked to my sister that an Elvis like waistline is in his near future.

Best line "that money-making chest of hers". McPhee in a nutshell.

Why does El cry at the kindness? As a short, gapped toothed, high school drop out, taking dead end job after dead end job, kindness has been in such short supply that it's sudden appearance is tear inducing. Like gold to a 49er.

He has a career in his future because I'm willing it to be so.

Tanya said...

Susan, from one writer to another, finding your blog has made my week. No one else has captured the essence of Elliott the way you have. I won't lie - he didn't have me competely until Queen night — but once he did, he didn't let go. And this from a person who said, "I swear I won't watch AI this seaon!"At least I'll have my MP3s of Elliott to keep me happy. He is a real man, in talent, in style, in so many ways. Unlike others (Daughtry, I'm looking at you).

The way he's been treated by the AI machine is pathetic. But not unexpected. As for McPhony — her hair extensions have more talent than she does. I'm no Taylor superfan, but let him have it. Better that option than McPhoeey or the artist formerly known as Fueltard.

Alicia said...

Hilarious and bittersweet, I howled at the "asshole -- unasshole" pics!

Elliott's performance of "Moody mood for love" killed me. How good was that? He could put that out tomorrow and it would go straight to platinum. Elliott is a classy guy and you, my dear, are one classy, hilarious and brilliant broad. Hooray for Elliott! Hooray for Susan DiPlacido!!

Allison said...

A perfect one-two punch. A properly somber, yet uplifting 'eulogy' and the perfect pictures to snark the hell out of the rest of the evening. I'm still trying to figure out who, over the age of thirteen actually purchases and wears a shirt that says, "Pretty Thing" on it. I really shouldn't be surprised. You make last night bearable. Thanks for that.

Mark Ebner said...

I'm almost as big a fan of your hilarious AI recaps as I am of the show. However, I'd like to add one moment you missed in your coverage of The Jew Goes Home Show. Did you happen to see when the camera made the audience cut to Todd Bridges? TODD BRIDGES? That moment was the visual summation of Kat McPhee's career in less than 5 years.

Thanks for the laughs.

Mark Ebner

Anonymous said...

do you think my dear, hot Elliott will be relagated to a life of low paying jobs by day and Kareoke by night? Will any label sign "unmarketable, underdog" Elliott? I'm too jaded, AI killed my soul too. I hope there's a singing future and a little financial stability in store for Elliott.

cam said...

Wow, much love from me to you. I loved the recap.

I've been trying to rationalize and think of the McPhees' reaction as a sort of relief because their daughter made it in the finals. But the contrast between Taylor and Kat... you're right. Asshole.

I seem to remember a certain Jasmine Trias having a much bigger parade than McShrill. HA!

Elliott is such a genuine person and singer. I really wish him to have a successful music career after this. Please dear Lord, let him!!

Anonymous said...

Susan, you've made me cry and laugh all in one blog entry. I am so, so sad to see my sweet Elliott gone, but he's on to better things. I CAN'T WAIT TO BUY ONE OF HIS "UNITS!"

The asshole/unasshole screencaps were priceless. Absolutely priceless. I laughed at the Daughtry comparison, but Kat's was all too revealing (and I'm talking more than yellow dress revealing). What a t-total, classless bitch.

E deserved the parade and all the eccoutrements. What a gentle soul. I will be a devout fan forever.

SusanD said...

Anon - the McPhees are twats. I stand behind that statement. SOUL PATROL!!

Ellen - you're so nice. Secret - I actually HATE parades. They piss me off. But I still think it's nice for Taylor and Elliott.

Myfanwy -- thank you.

Trudi -- Ill shell out bucks for an Elliott CD. Will away, woman, there's a bunch of us with you.

Tanya -- Fueltard --excellent!

Oh Alicia -- thank you dear. Elliott's Moody's Mood kills me. I"m actually thinking of buying that stupid AI CD just for that track. Ugh.

Anon -- his "units" will sell.

Allison -- grazie!

Mark -- shit. That's like praise from Caesar right there. Todd Bridges! I know! I saw that. Talk about D-listers. Do you think perhaps they stuck the pins in him so hard because they got in a dither about how to write a song that wasn't about thanking Jesus with a pot of gold and Christian kittens for a Jew? I do.

Anon -- no, I don't think Elliott will go back to dead end jobs. I think music and singing is now his professional life, and he'll be plenty successful in some form, and that's all good. I just don't know how "public" that's going to be is all, so I'm sad for us fans if we don't get much material from him. But I think he might have a shot.


Cam -- yes, their reaction could be seen as relief for their girl. But still, try to at least act like you're compassionate for like, a minute.

Anon -- I, too, will buy one of his units.

Anonymous said...

Love you Susan.

You made me laugh when I just feel like crying.

crimson

Noone said...

Susan, hilarious and moving (I haven't seen all this yet and so I almost got teary just reading about E and his tears).

The McFecks will hopefully come to a fitting end, I'd like to hear your ideas about this. Taylor confirmed his regular guyness and does seem to be a good guy - hope he wins.

I have to say that if Elliott was singing in a UK competition he would have won, no doubt about it. Even it he'd come third he would have a career, with a voice like his I can't imagine that someone wouldn't snap him up. This is why America is sometimes a mystery to me, how can this sort of talent not be celebrated and nutured after of the AI machine has spat him out.

Perhaps I'm wrong here, perhaps I'm overestimating the UK - but I hope not.

Love you Susan

Anonymous said...

Just awesome recap. Unafraid to say what you want... and you included some great pics!
Those Unasshole/Asshole pics made me crack up.

Just great great read...

Pinto said...

Let me share with you my trip on the E-train. First off, I’m a cynical, elitist, snobby bastard who normally wouldn’t be caught watching AI while taking a dump. However, I was lucky enough to catch the episode where E sang “If You Really Love Me.” When he introduced himself and told the world he was going to sing Stevie, my contempt meter shot up. Who the fuck does this weird looking punk think he is doing STEVIE-fucking-WONDER, one of my favorite singers of all time?!? The laugh was on me though, because holy shit little E pulled it off with panache, especially the part that goes, “you give me kisses ooOO Sooo sweet….” Wow. Not possible. Lucky day, I thought. But I was hooked.

The following week I watched AI just to see what E would do. I couldn’t care less about anyone else. When E announced he was singing “Moody’s Mood for Love,” I almost cracked up hysterically. This kid must think he’s something special to even attempt his shit. But E got up and spread those soulful vibes like balm on my jaded soul, making it look oh-so-easy. He didn’t just attempt the shit, he fucking wrecked it. E’s self-assured delivery made me forget James Moody, and yes, even George Benson. It was then that I started to believe AI had a musical gem in their grubby hands, in contrast to the battery-operated love dolls they had with the other contestants.

I kept on watching AI despite myself, just to see what E would do next, all the while expecting that each week would be his last. Never thought the mainstream would ever get a soulful Jew with a bad haircut. Week after week he gave us the gift of his chocolate pipes with no pretenses and no stupid gimmicks. I can’t say I loved every song he did, but his bum notes were far and few in between. The most amazing thing was he consistently owned each song. Who would bother to listen to Andy Williams’ or Al Jareau’s version of “Teach Me Tonight” ever again after E crushed it? He made those old pros sound flaccid and fussy.

The turning point for me came when E sang, “A Song for You.” I fucking loved it when he introduced to the audience Donny Hathaway’s daughter, who happened to be languishing as one of AI’s backup singers. Unbelievable class. I can’t imagine anyone else in the AI pool would be so unselfish in sharing the spotlight. That was so typical of E. He shared his love of music with us. He wanted us to remember Donny Hathaway again. He wanted to take us back to a time when there were real singers with real soul and not assembly-line pansy-assed posers. I have no shame in admitting that I unabashedly loved E from that point on. E’s mind blowing performance of the song was icing on the cake. I did the impossible after that—I fucking started voting for chrissakes. Yeah me, the snobby asshole who normally sniffed at this type of pedestrian bullshit, punching telephone numbers for a stranger on a cheesy reality show. I wanted to save his crazy ass from oblivion. I made it a mission to help E realize his dreams.

I started to hope against all hope that the kid would make it because I saw in him a Chihuahua with the fucking heart of a timber wolf. He deserved this stupid title and the recognition more than any of the vapid idiots. He had to fight for dear life every single week, but he kept on chugging along. It was fantastic when Elvis week came along and he blew the pretenders off the train. He owned those twerps. He kicked the crap out of that self-anointed rock poser Chris who I despised from the very beginning.

That’s why I was ballistic when the asshole producers pulled the plug on E this week. They fucked him over so McHairExtensions could advance. Simon literally pushed her across the finish line because she was too fucking clueless to find it. She couldn’t see it because she was too busy admiring her highlights in the monitor. What the fuck. Don’t get me started on AI’s blatant manipulations of the songs.

I knew no matter what, E would go down last night. It was obviously in the works. Despite that, I voted for the whole two hours, just to give my middle finger to the producers. Alas, E went out like a man, as I expected him to. In doing so, he showed us again that he is the true soul man, without the stupid, phony affectations and retarded tag line.

Simon once said Chris was an artist who refused to compromise. Wrong, asshole. Simon should have been talking about E, who has refused to compromise his integrity, honesty, humility, decency, compassion, kindness, and everything else that makes a human being worth knowing. The fact that E refused to compromise musically was a bonus.

Thanks for reading this long post. I needed to write it.

DK in VA aka #1efan said...

Thanks for another great post. As always an insightful and fun read.

I think that (not the intention I'm sure) AI helped Elliott get a major record deal, because showing that all 3 finalists were virtually in dead heat in votes, should have proved that E is just as marketable as the other two.
At the very least, E's got a long future performing in VA. He's become a true hometown hero in VA.

I feel so fortunate to live near his homebase.

SusanD said...

Crimson, Noone, anon, thanks so much! Noone -- I dont' know what would happen in the UK. How does Popstars usually work out over there? Or is that show now gone, replaced by Simon's The X Factor?

Pinto -- wowza man. That was impassioned. And I believe it. Ilike that "Chihuahua with the fucking heart of a timber wolf" very much! And I'm glad you voted for him, too. And you're right, he didn't comprimise, and he's apparently very glad he didn't.

I don't know if this'll help or not, and it's kind of long, but if you want to hear his exit interview before it gets printed up in the mags tomorrow, I'll probably make you pretty happy. He sounds REALLY happy to have left in third place without being obligated to the AI contract (which is now SEVEN YEARS, btw, not his words, but mine.) Don't take that comment of mine the wrong way, though -- he doesn't sound like he dogged it on purpose, or nor does he sound ungrateful. Just VERY HAPPY with where he's at. And he talks about his song choices, including the last one, and how he's have it no other way. It's a really good interview, actually. Very genuine, very grateful. (you know, everything Chris's wasn't.)

If you want to listen to it, I think it'll really cheer you up about the "process" he went through on AI and how he ended up. It'll be available until midnight tonight:
1-800-475-6701 and when it prompts, enter access code-826767#

Also, FYI for everyone, he'll be on Jay Leno tonight.

Anonymous said...

SusanD, I am crying again...thank you for your heartfelt recap (and hearts are feeling all kinds of things right around now, not all of them very happy). Love you, honey.

XXX
Murghi

steph said...

great recap susand!!! holy mother gawwwwhd i hate katherine and thost fucking producers.

They totally PLAYED elliott! The show was EXTREMELY condescending!! And the way ryan treated him? forcing elliott's mother to say, "i love you elliott" at the end of the show...ugh mother fucker...did you know that elliott was still talking? It's like, he wasn't even really listening to elliott's last comments, ryan was thinking to himeself, "i have to make this a good moment, a good bye moment"...so what does he do, he quitely rushes elliott through his last words, and gets his mom involved. b/c that's fucking good tv. getting the mom involved.
They did the show this way b/c they could. nice people like elliott get these kinds of goodbyes...it was all so fake. eiye, i can't explain it, i'm still pissed. It's like, awwww, this guy is sooo nice, he deserves more...so let's do something nice for him...it'll make us look like we care about him. ugh, whatever.

oh god, i'm hoping he gets a decent contract. I hope he gets a cd out there and I hope it ain't cheesy like all those other previous contestants. Please, if there's any good left in this world, let the fucking man have his dream!

Good things happen to good people right?...so something good has to happen to him.

dirty dirty whore...kat is such a slut. how the hell can you act like that when someone sitting right next to you is getting eliminated? Someone you know, that you've seen everyfuckingday for the past 5 months?? Do you LACK that much compassion????
Help me understand! how the hell do people act like this?? show some humility...gawd, the kids in this country suck...well, those in LA do. How the hell, do you teach your kids these behaviors?

urrrrgh!

laura petrie said...

DiPlacido, to hell with Paula -- YOU'RE forever my girl!

And I can't be the only one who would love to see Asshole/Un-Asshole be a regular feature here at Neon Fiction. Genius.

Pinto said...

Susan, thanks for sharing the teleconference phone #. I listened to it and was happy to know that E’s every inch as cool as I thought. You’re likely right that not winning was probably the best thing for him, but I hate being manipulated, and I despise the powers that be who deign to tell us what to do, think, feel, and want. Just for once, I wanted someone to subvert the system and cut the puppeteers’ strings. I’m a fool for a good story, after all. Like you said, ya can’t make this shit up.

BTW, you scare me with your perceptiveness.

Anonymous said...

Hi Susan,

Found you through TWOP.

I'm more glad than sad Elliott left the stage last night. Especially when I read he would be right back on it next week!

If you are serious about buying the idol disc, would you consider purchasing it through Elliott's website :
http://www.yaminmachine.com/ ?

I only ask because I noticed they are donating the Amazon revenue checks to the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation in Richmond.

Thanks for making me laugh through the tears, Jennifer

Alice Brooks said...

Usually your blog is my first read the morning after an AI show. Circumstances prevented that today and I'm glad I had to wait. The comments were almost as entertaining and heartfelt as both your elimination recaps. It's so gratifying that so many of us were hooked on our E-Cinderfella story this year and found comfort and encouragement with each other.

I'm with you, Susan and others who hope for a career to E's liking: I'll be buying whatever CD, on whomever's label, he releases. In fact, to those who are thinking of buying the AI5 compilation CD, I've already ordered mine just to get the full-length, hopefully correctly volumned mic, treatment of Moody's. But I ordered from a link on E's YaminMachine website. Points go to the Juvenile Diabtes Foundation. I thought it was the best way I could make my statement now.

Thanks for the Leno heads-up Susan. Since this will be a difficult week for E to get the usual Media treatment, due to rehearsals for the McHairExtenions (loved that shout out!) finale, I hope you and others will keep us updated about what media appearances he might be able to work in.

I hope Clive, Nigel, Simon and the other asshole idiots are prepared to deal with the McParents who showed almost as little class as their McPhony daughter and her eqally McPhony Sherman Oaks teeth. I won't be passionate, but I will send some votes to Taylor. At least he's southern, which means a lot to me. Also Elliott mentioned that Taylor and Bucky were some of his favorites. Looked like Ace gave him a teddy bear backstage. WTF? But I'm changing my opionion of Ace, what with his nice support for E in previous media interviews, but his work for Denver's Children's Hospital.

Keep up the great work, Susan! You pulled us through this one in grand style!

meep said...

Still in mourning down here, me. I feel like all that voting, all that rallying of the troops to keep the faith, and we still let our Elliott down. Let Mama Yamin down. When she let it show how truly overwhelmed she was while in the limo in the homecoming recap, I lost it too. Lost it!

And yet, I have a sneaking suspicion that not all our votes were counted....yeah, I'm a sucker for the Grassy Knoll threads. So, there's that.

There's Elliott's beautiful musical future to keep our ears pricked up for!

There's more stellar Susan D. reads!

What more could we ask for, really?

Jackson Scales said...

Mizz Diplacido,

As you know, I'm not that big a fan of the show, but I've been reading your ongoing blog about AI on a regular--almost religious basis--and wow, I'll definitely watch next year if you do another running commentary on AI. You are one insightful, funny chick. (Yeah, McPhereson is definitely an asshole.)

Hope you take on another project like this once this season is finished, say, on the Sopranos or something.

Ever your friend and fan,

Jackson Scales

Noone said...

Susan, X Factor is the show that has more or less replaced Pop Idol in the UK. The last Pop Idol was a miserable mess of mediocre talent making it feel like an also-ran show. I think Simon probably stamped his foot and said, no more. Thankfully, AI has a much larger, more varied and talented pool to draw from. However, it always amazes me how rare a really good voice is, rare as McFecking humility. I always thought that most people can hold a tune until I started watching these sort of shows, but no, and that's why Elliott really is such an extraordinary talent - I think.

I'm guessing that Elliott would have been loved by the UK general public mainly based on the first PI Will Young's similar underdog-treated-like-shit experience. The UK took sweet, soul-voiced Will (reminding you of anyone?) to it's heart and as hard as PI tried they couldn't force the public to vote for the Simon's Chosen One. Naturally, Will has gone on to produce CDs and have success whilst the CO, Gareth Gates, has disappeared without a trace - poor boy. There it little doubt in my mind that Elliott's approach and personality and sense of humour would have won him over to the general public and not just fans of soul.

I also think that our chart shows that the UK likes soul/jazz artists and that we don't really consider these genres to be out of the mainstream. Jamie Cullum is hugely popular here and Amy Winehouse (do you know her?) had general success with her first album - http://www.myspace.com/amywinehouse. BTW, I'd love to see Amy and Elliott sing together, her version of Moody's Mood for Love is jazzy/bluesy (Hoagy Carmichael) and sexily playful. She most definitely would bring out the 'rod' in Elliott's performance, and I think we'd all like to see that - oh, yes.

V.J. said...

Good job Susan....love reading your blogs...and you had a GREAT recap of the show!. I agree with you SO MUCH, in so many situations. All I am saying is....he really is not ugly!. I think his look made him "ugly", but look how handsome he is now!. His teeth is barely noticable as well.
Umm....I don't know what else to say, The powers that be got what they wanted....YEAH, they gave him the pimp spot on the results show, haha.......BUT I still think it's crap that they went SO far in getting rid of him....it was like the Producers/Simon were like Thanks for the memories, but we will try our best to get rid of you....I saw it with my own eyes....he should have had the last spot, not taylor to begin with.
All these LITTLE things make a difference, I will go as far as saying...if the judges let everything be the way it was AND Elliott got the last spot...we would be seeing him in the finale. I agree about the Idol winners thing and how Elliott will NOW be able to do what he wants to do in his career, not feel controlled over and stuff....but I think if he had one of the top spots, it would've helped him A LOT. I do think, however, that if Elliott makes it big and is the first Idol contestant NOT to go to the finale in the final two, YET make it big in music...it will be MUCH greater and respectful.....he will have more credible IMHO.
Anywho.....I will miss Elliott, Kat the bitch stole his spot!. But in all honesty, Elliott was doomed from the start....Idol wanted him gone, it was blatent. Now if Elliott was in Taylor's position, getting the most votes from the beginning, while taylor being in Elliott's position, struggling being the "underdog", than I would bet you all any money, even you Susan, haha......Elliott would be in the finale...with, KAT!. Cuz' than they would pimp Kat and try their hardest to get rid of Taylor. Sadly, Elliott was second to Taylor in quite a lot of weeks, this made him, not only the underdog, but almost impossible for Elliott to make it through to the finale, since Kat is perceived to be more "marketable".
I'll stop my ranting.....haha, good job Susan!. You really put a light on my face, especially yesterday when you said not to worry about Elliott, we all did the best we could do, there is nothing much we could've done, really.

V.J. said...

Oh one......fine two more things, first of all, I actually felt sorry for McPhony or McBoobies that she didn't have a parade or anything really "special"...but than, I thought of how Idol basically screwed Elliott and gave Kat the Final spot because of "marketability" instead of severe favortism...than laughed and said, that's right bitch, Elliott got a bigger homecoming than you!. In the end, when she had her smirk, that made me EVEN MORE pissed at her. Her family don't help the situation either. Fucking snobs.
I will admit, I was a fan of hers in the beginning, fuck, I still SORTA am, but in recent weeks, I just feel she was not ALL THAT and deserved to go one of these past few weeks, within these two weeks for sure.....but than I noticed her snobby attitude and how much more Elliott deserves to be in the finale.

V.J. said...

Susan....great job on the recap....I can't say anything more.

You scared me though. You don't think he'll make it big as a music artist?! I'm talking Kelly Clarkson status?! at alL?! I will buy his CD to support him, but you worried me there.
So it is true...he did need the Runner-up spot OR winner's spot in order to be successful?!I mean he is pushing 30 and all.
UUUGGHHHHHHHH.....IF ONLY he made it to the finale!. Why Idol WHY?! Why couldn't they just play it fair, no pimpage or anything....Elliott would still be in the Finale for the final spot!. FUCKIN' KAT!.

e.b. said...

Susan,

Having suffered from my own case of Elli-hots (lame...I know) since late February, I found your little treasure of a blog during my search for some solace in the form of news about Baby's musical future following the predetermined ouster of that little morsel of white chocolate from the AI cookie factory Wednesday.

Wow! Love it, love your opinions and perspective and I will definitely be stopping by here on a regular basis to read what you've got to say....er, write. Asshole/Unasshole is screaming to be a regular feature (would love one of the McFuckwad's vs. Taylor's parents during Elliott's walk to the stage after being eliminated.)

PS: The conference line for Elliott's interview is open until Midnight on the 25th, so anyone who's interested can still dial in; I had to fight the urge to turn it into pathetic, one-sided phone sex on my part, but others may not be the kind of perv I am. He's made a couple of promising-sounding references about his musical future that you may want to hear.....good luck, Baby-Boy!

Suki said...

It is so fantastic reading these posts. Asshole/unasshole lmao! I've posted that picture to a few people today I can tell you. I had an email from our boy's girlfriend Amanda and she said Elliott is very excited and happy right now. Not that I know her, I was sad enough to go to the AI boards hunt her down and write! As for the Mcbastards - I want to be gracious and classy like our cupcake but I would like to slap those grins off their cockadoodee faces!

Anonymous said...

You are so awesome! This is the kind of stuff that needs to be on tv! You need your own show so that people can hear the real story. I'm so sick of hearing about "beautiful" Katharine on tv. They are all insane! She is a pretty girl, I will give her that...but INSIDE she is the ugliest person that I recall on this show in five seasons! Her parents must be sooo proud, because look they are exactly like her! Money certainly cannot buy class, and that was proven over and over again this season with the McPhee clan.

My dear sweet Elliott, you are beaming with class. I feel bad that I had to bash the McAssholes, but they cheered when you got the boot. That hurts me, because I adore you.

Anyway, a picture speaks a thousand words, and these pics in particular have summed up a season's worth of judgments of character.

Go Taylor! Kick some McAss!!!

Best wishes to Elliott Yamin: my American Idol

SusanD said...

dk in va -- I'm so glad VA loves E. I'm sure he'll be in high demand around there.

Murghi, thank you!

Steph -- vent, baby. Vent.

Laura Petrie! Thanks. The problem with asshole/un-asshole? it's hard to find a good supply of un-assholes.

Pinto -- I agree. It would've been nice to stick it to da man. I take solace in the fact that they really didn't want Taylor winning either though. They screwed with him behind the scenes just as much as Elliott. It's just that once Chris was booted, they had no choice but to embrace and pimp Taylor. So it's still kind of sticking it to them.

Jennifer -- I'll buy it through his site, sure. Thanks for the info.

Alice -- I guess the producers are quite ready to deal with Katharine. MSNBC broke the story yesterday that her father (who's worth 25 million -- I KNEW she was a spoiled rich girl!) is a producer affiliated with Fox. Niiiiice.

Meep -- I think as long as Elliott realizes how many people go nuts for him, he won't feel let down. And I think he's definitely getting the gist of it now.

Ah, Scales. Thank you so much. I could never tackle Sopranos, cause there's just nothing to snark about, you know?

Noone -- "She most definitely would bring out the 'rod' in Elliott's performance" LOL! Love that. Great insights on the UK differences. You guys are cooler than we are, that's the sum of it.

VJ-- I agree with all the chicanery stuff. Elliott was playing in a stacked deck. And the producers were the dealers. He got too many bad shuffles and finally ran into one too many trump cards. I guess we'll see if he's "marketable" or not. Do I think he'll go "Kelly Clarkson"? No, I really don't. Just because his genre of music (R&B) won't propel him like that. But that's okay. I still think he'll be successful. Like I said, it's all in how you measure success. If money is the benchmark, I don't think he'll be the most successful AI contestant ever, no. But if artistry and happiness is the benchmark, he definitely has a shot at being that.

Eileen -- you know, I STILL can't figure out the Taylor-parents situation. I'm sure if I'd read up on him a bit, I'd figure it out. But I kind of like letting him remain such a mystery to me. I know they people who are friends/relatives of his in the audience are always very cool, but I just don't know who they are. I think I've heard murmurings that Taylor's got quite the family sob story, too.

Suki -- yah. It's nice to be classy, but it's even nicer to have someone behind you who's not classy who'll slap the shit out of the assholes in your wake. We're that for Elliott.

Anon -- word!

v.j said...

Thanks for the feedback Susan.
Suki.....can you please lend me Amanda's e-mail..I want to tell her something about Elliott, kind like relay my message to him!. I heard she was on the AI boards, than this fansite, etc.....

v.j said...

Oh and LOVED the asshole/unasshole thing!.

Anonymous said...

Love the blog! Fuckin hilarious!

If Jasmine Trias can sell millions in the
Phillipines, E can sell millions in the US-- as long as every keeps up the support.

Remember to download Moody's Mood on
I-Tunes 05.23.06

Anonymous said...

A few thought from an anonymous regular reader.

1. peisha mcphee bio...
CD, 1998, sells for $3 on amazon. Producer........none other than Peisha McPhee.

2. Extra, movie. The Incredible Hulk Returns.

THE END.

wanna-be-living-through-my-daughter-I-have-a-web-site-with-20-year-old-pictures-of-my-cleavage--bitch.

2. write to Oprah, the E-train is trying to get her to pull some strings with a few friends for E.

3. I would rather Elliott stay away from Hollywood and enjoy a soulful like of smaller performances with people who love him. I would rather he not prostitute himself for a career. I really don't want to see him rapping crass lyrics and grabbing his crotch for money.

Anonymous said...

I adore you, Susan. Thanks again for putting my thoughts to words. How exactly do you DO that?!

Anonymous said...

...I left the above comment, but wanted to add, don't bother with the CD version of MMFL. I listened to it yesterday.

As you might imagine, AI engineers backed it up with a sad drum track and an off-kilter sax to where it sounds like the aural atmosphere to a homemade porn video. The whole thing sounds grubby. Elliott's voice shines, but that's about it.

Stick with the mp3 of the earlier version, it's much more satistfying.

Anonymous said...

Just beautiful Susan! You're fucking hilarious too.

I can't wait to watch Elliott continue to grow as a person/performer.

KateyKat said...

Great stuff here, SusanD! You rock!

Anonymous said...

I can honestly say that I have not laughed this much in days. I loved everything about this article; especially the asshole/unasshole pictures. You tell it like it is and I wish everybody in America could read this. I had read something else you had written about Elliott after he sang A Song For You but I had no idea you had written books. I will be looking for them next time I am in a bookstore. I read what somebody else said about the CD version of Moody's Mood For Love. It sucks. They ruined it. It was much better the way Elliott sang it originally.

Anonymous said...

i'm late to the party, but read eagerly awaiting sexual innuendo pop ups (there weren't enough for my marshmallow melting the-smores-the-merry ass)


umm.... oh yeah, the blog was def a highlight to this AI season. i love love elliott (hated the sweater vest and bizarre pencil lines we wore around his chin for the first few weeks) but damn the boy cleans up nice. did i mention the marshmallow melting-ness effect he had on me?

maybe its not like i want to lay down with him (umm... ok maybe yeah) but its more like, i'm totally turned on by the idea that a man's voice can do that to me. and that he's fugly hot like that is just... damn.

all that hotness overcame some of my initial hesitance, ie sweatervest, amish pencil beard outline and yes--sheep veering vibrato. but the thing with him was that i always knew he could clean it up, on all fronts. i never doubted his vocals because i could tell he could play with it and change it and make it better. so much confidence in him. and yes i want him in an intimate setting--i'd love him at the hollywood bowl (where i saw van morrison two summers ago) but then i wouldn't be able to stare up at his dreamy blue ass eyes--because i'd be all the f* in the back in the hashish row for $5.

oh man, just want more of him. more more more. give me schmaltz, give me tears give me mcboughtboobies
as long as it comes with a helping of my goldenbaby and his goldenvibes.

thanks for finally saying that he's got the IT factor. he's got it bigtime and now I've got it !!

SusanD said...

vj- - thanks so much!

anon -- I'll definitely buy Moody's for Elliott. I'll put a reminder up on here, too

anon -- you made me laugh out loud with that Peisha bio! I'll put the Oprah info up here, too, thanks for mentioning it. And I agree 100% with you about rather seeing Elliott stay true to his form as opposed to getting put through the wringer. I hope it can be done.

another anon -- thank you! And, some kind soul was nice enough to forward me the CD version of Moody's. I'll still download it from I Tunes, just cuz I fell I "gotta support the team". But I agree -- the production is terrible.

Anon and Kateykat -- thanks so much.

Anon -- oh, don't bother with the books. If you're really interested, drop me a line, I'm happy to send them to you. They're just fairly porny though. No Elliott in them ;)

anon -- yes, sweater vest and amish beard weren't his highlights of physcial sex appeal. But sweatervest night was when he sang Moody's so he had me anyhow. "because i'd be all the f* in the back in the hashish row for $5." <-- that cracked me up! you're hilarious, anon. Clearly, yes, he does have the IT factor. I said that way back when he did "I Don't Wanna Be" and all the swooning fangirls are proof. We need an AI all-stars reunion competition to get more of him on a weekly basis, that's what we need.

Anonymous said...

Sue-
Well done. You hit the asshole on the head. Excellent pictures.They say it all. It's Elliott's voice that will carry our boy to great places. He already is the 'whole package'as far as I'm concerned, because he is the real deal.
later,Linda K.Grants Pass, Oregon

Anonymous said...

Your writing always cracks me up. My daughter (14) and I always wait for your creative recaps. Your love for Elliott is a major bonus.
I disagree that Elliott will be picked up by a small label, I think he will be picked up by a major label. I can see Steven Spielberg doing a movie about his life in a few years.

In the 5 AI seasons I haven't seen anyone come close to his talent and personality. He is the first contestant that moved me enough to vote and support.

I will continue to read your blog for enterntainment value even though Elliott isn't staring anymore. :(

Anonymous said...

HYSTERICAL!!!!!

An idea for asshole unasshole screen shot..... The MCp's and their classless celebrating compared to the Hicks Family who looked genuinely sad for E!

Your blog rocks and I plan to be a frequent visitor!
Lisa

SusanD said...

Linda, Lisa, Anon -- thanks so much. Lisa -- I figured I'd save the Hicks family/McPhee family comparison as one of my last bullets for this week ;)

Anonymous said...

You guys should watch this video if you hate Katharine so much. You can tell in the video that she IS sad for Elliott...but dude, she also just found out that she's going to the finals of the biggest show on earth. Give me a break.

http://breathoffreshink.com/video-paula-kicks-randy

Atomic Puppy (Becky) said...

You really think it's not going to be easy for Elliott to get a major career going? I think that any sensible record company will/should be tripping over each other to get him signed up! Elliott has had such an effect on the nation...hell, the world (if you read the AI boards, you'll know what I'm on about), so much influence, that he's even turned around Hathaway's flagging sales! The public want this man badly. The magic and 'x-factor' this chappie has is too powerful to ignore, especially as the record companies only see that unit-shifting = $$$. And Elliott will DEFINITELY shift 'units'.

V.J said...

I bough "Moody's Mood for Love" TWICE!. People support him on Itunes. Lets nto forget E*TRAIN!. haha