Thursday, May 01, 2008

Water Foul

Tony Soprano has nothing on me.

I don't know if you'll recall this story, but a couple years ago, I got a pool put in. I don't live out in the country or anything. I live in the city, but fairly close to the beach, and my house has a couple blocks of trees-woodsy area surrounding it. So I'm often doing battle with all kinds of wildlife. Raccoons, groundhogs, bats. There's even a fox, but he doesn't cause any trouble. And last year, there were some strange happenings and rooster crowing that made me believe one of my neighbors was hosting cock fights late at night. But I digress.

Back to when I put the pool in. Before the fence went up, a deer decided to take a swim and it sort of ruined a lot that had to be redone. I wondered what the hell drew the deer in the first place. Months later, I took in a disposable camera to have the film developed and found these pictures on it. Apparently, one of my nephews was aware of the deer and fawn and made a habit of feeding them, drawing them closer to the pool.

And he obviously took pictures while doing it!

Cute, huh?

Yesterday, I opened the pool again. It's a mess and will need a few days of cleaning. But this morning, I got up and sat by the pool and was having a Tony Sopranoish think about life. Seriously. Suddenly, I heard this honking overhead, and looked to see a couple geese aiming for the water. Sure enough, they landed right in the pool and started hanging out. With me sitting right there! Shameless!

I figured no one would believe me, so I went and got my camera. By the time I got back, they were done swimming, but still hanging out.

I stood there thinking, "If these were ducks, it'd be spooky." I swear, I barely got that thought out when there was more flapping overhead, and look what decided to take a swim next.

Do you believe this shit? Duck, duck, goose, they were all hanging out together and didn't give a shit that I was right there!

Me, being an idiot, thought this was kind of cute. So then I went and got some bread to feed them without thinking it through. See how the patterns repeat in the family? I was miffed at my nephew years before for feeding a wild animal and being dumb enough to take photographic evidence of doing so. And yet, I snapped these pictures and then fed the damn ducks! Know what happens after you feed ducks and geese? They shit everywhere. I don't know how Tony tolerated all that shit. But I decided I can't tolerate it. So then I went about chasing the birds away. Know what happens when you start yelling and waving your arms and chasing ducks and geese? They ruffle their feathers and shit even more! Everywhere! Shit everywhere!

And I've been assured by numerous people that it doesn't matter that I chased them away. Since I fed them, they're sure to be back.

I blame David Chase for this. Sometimes, life really shouldn't imitate art. At least, not when there's bird shit involved.

On the bright side, I just got one of these.

If they want to insist on repeated visits, the proverbial and literal goose will be cooked. And its duckling friends, too!


trudi said...

Long Island is infested with those damn Canadian geese. People will either use a real dog or, I swear,
a wood cut silhouette of a dog stuck in the lawn to scare them off.

moon said...

HAHAHAHAHA!! I laughed out-loud at work and had to show your blog to some co-workers! We haven't laughed that much in a long time!

You are so talented!

Ellen said...


And goose shit! It's everywhere. When I pass by the local elementary school, the field is either filled with dozens of children or hundreds of geese, which means the kids are playing in goose shit. Horrible! They're suburban rats.

Cook 'em and fry 'em, Susan. Make pate.

Congrats on the grill, btw.

*runs and hides before my pal Maryanne Stahl sees this post*


citizen jane said...

I know not of goose shit. But pigeon shit and seagull shit -- well acquainted. El yuck-o.

Can't even make pate out of those bastards.

Don Capone said...

You have a pool?! I'll be right over.

SusanD said...

Come over, Don! I just warn you, I've never cooked on a grill before, so, I'm ashamed to say, the food might not be so good.

Oh Ellen, those poor kids playing in the goose shit! GROSS.

Oh Moon!

trudi -- seriously? I'll try a cutout thingy! Though, oddly, they have not been back since then.