Three Wasn't A Charm

Look, I'm not gonna try to shit you here. I've lost Mojito and then Chikezie and then the Kangaroo Fucker, and then dear Fangs and then last week Castro went poof. And as each one from this "Best Season EVER" left, the ennui started insidiously insinuating itself. I know everyone has to leave. I knew from the first week that Archuleta was going to the finals, and it became quickly evident that Cook would be on his heels. But I still think an awful lot of fun potential of this season was lost by booting people at the wrong time. Syesha is just another replay of Kat McPhee -- albeit a better singer and performer, and I can't help but wonder how much better this season would've been if a couple of the more interesting people stuck around a little longer.

But it is what it is and I'm not mad at it at all. But I was a little bored tonight, and so this recap isn't all that. Since getting "let go" from his label, we didn't even get to see and make fun of the dark lord Clive. Instead, the "producers" picked songs (songs which were at least laughably atrocious) and we didn't even get to see them talking about their choices or the contestants to stir up controversy.

The big cue that it was a big night was Syesha's wardrobe. She was wearing so many sequins I wondered if she ran across the lot and raided the DWTS closet, but then realized that although she had plenty of sparkle, she also had way too much overall fabric for that to be the case.


Randy gave her an Alicia Keys song to sing, and she did well with it. Then she picked "Fever" and went old-school cheesecake, which sadly only highlighted her smug factor. Then the producers gave her "Hit Me Up" which sounds a little dirty but I guess it was from a children's movie. Overall, she came off better than Archuleta, but no one was willing to give her credit for it and they all wrote her off tonight.

Also dressing up for the evening's festivities was Archuleta's dad. Maybe he had extra time on his hands since being banned from rehearsals this week, but he switched it up and actually got rid of the baseball hat. And replaced it with a fucking plaid golf cap! I shit you not!


Maybe he's trying to secure some secondary merchandising deal.


Or, more likely, this guy really is just a bona fide asshole.

His son, however, did okay. Paula gave him a Billy Joel ballad to sing, and then he picked Chris Brown's "With You" which was sort of funny, but not nearly as funny as the producers' choice of Dan Fogelberg's "Longer." My jaw actually dropped when I heard they gave him that song and I don't think I clamped my mouth shut until he was done. Yeah, he sounded fine, but are you fucking kidding me? We have to listen to the judges complain all season about the contestant's song choice, while we know they railroad certain songs onto certain singers, and then they still have the audacity to ADMIT to forcing this song on this kid? There's a famous quote that goes: Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think. In the AI world, song choice is a tragedy for those who have a horse in the running and a comedy for those who are just watching for curiosity. Priceless.


Paula also put on some sparkly this evening. But the best of the outfit was revealed when she stood up to give Cook his standing O. Sequins and pleather in a baby-doll/dominatrix mash that's been her general milieu this whole season.


Though he didn't actually wear a crown, they did basically give David Cook an early coronation. Randy withheld his props, telling him that everything was just basically alright. But Paula blathered and Simon preened, even after saddling him with Roberta Flack's "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face." Cook was, you know, thrilled with that choice.


But he did actually sing it well, even though he obviously didn't find someone else's version; someone who already gave it a modern, alterna-twist. Then he sang that Switchfoot song. And then comedy-tragedy struck again when he had to sing Aerosmith's "Don't Wanna Miss A Thing." To quote Randy, I thought he was all pitchy and shit and it sounded like hell, but Diane Warren was in the audience and they slobbered all over him and that stupid fucking song. Me? I loved Aerosmith back when they were on drugs. I'm glad they got clean and rich and are loving life. Really. But from Permanent Vacation on, Aerosmith no longer rocked. And that ballad that finally gave them their big number one hit? Blows. That said, I still dig Joe Perry and Steven Tyler sings that song better than Cook by a mile.

But, clearly, this is the direction "the producers" would like to see Cook go. Just make them oodles of cash. And this crap will pull in big bucks, and it's painted with a veneer of acceptability to Cook's tastes. I mean, he did choose Switchfoot all on his own.