Cookin' Up A Finale!

It was a good thing I wasn't at this finale because I'd have been drunk and I'd have probably peed my pants on three separate occasions. At least in my own home, I just squealed and spilled some of my cocktail and applauded a television screen. And since the screen is not sentient, it holds no judgment against me.

You know you're in for a good night when the first big guest is Seal. Seal!


I'm not the biggest fan of crass cross-promotional crap. Nevertheless, Mike Myers made me giggle a couple times, and if it wasn't for him, we wouldn't have had this great moment of Ryan nearly crashing on a magic carpet.


Oh sure, the night belonged to Cook, but Seacrest nearly stole the show a couple times. First the crash, and then he actually got up and joined the SYTYCD guys and boogied. This was fast, and you may have missed it, which is exactly why you check in here, so that I can point out and take fuzzy pictures of the floor-spinning Seacrest. Behold.


Oh yeah, that's our host! Please note, I don't think these pictures being blurry are a function of my consumption tonight; my equipment just blows. Anyhow. So what made Ryan boogie? Bow down, bitches, to the premier disco diva of the '70s, Donna Summer!


Donna came out and sang with all the girls and rocked her new song, showing Pauler how a comeback should look and sound, and that gave me the first gleeful, pee-my-pants moment. I didn't take pictures of all the girls, because, as you may have noticed if you've been reading here all season -- or if you even watched the whole season -- the girls, except for Carly, bored the hell out of me and I didn't really care that they were back.

In sharp contrast was the reappearance of all the boys.


How great is that picture? Castro is off his mark, leaving a big gap which puts poor Chikezie all alone, and while they're all singing, Jason's back there with clenched lips like "What the fuck?" I loved and missed them all. If only top 7 had been all the guys and Carly.

Speaking of Fangs, she and the Kangaroo Fucker made a grand reappearance together and smoked everyone else off the stage.


I like this pic because Michael is, naturally, making one of his silly faces, reminding me of the good ole days. Seriously, the group dances were back to fun with him gallivanting around and Castro missing marks and Mojito overselling it all. There's so much goodness in this picture, I can't even dissect it.


Sometimes, people who don't watch the show ask me what the appeal is for me, and I try to explain it, but just can't. Like Carly and Johns singing together, sometimes it's just shockingly good, almost sublime. Sometimes, it's just cheezy. And sometimes, it hits the apex of reality ridiculousness and can't help but glorify those heights. Such as with a feathered fez, marching band, and early round castoff.


It became obvious early on that it was Cook's night. He and Archie both got new cars. I'm simple and I like it when people win cars. But then for their big number, Cook got to perform with ZZ Top. (I don't know, but it worked.)


Meanwhile, Archie got to sing a couple bars of "Apologize" while One Republic's singer kept a stranglehold on the falsetto notes.

I searched and searched, but Hasselhoff was nowhere to be found. Instead, most of the focus stayed on the contestants, which I appreciated. And we still had moments.


This is the moment where I realized what Jason Castro needs to do. He needs to audition for the role of Vincent Vega in the Pulp Fiction prequel, "The Vega Brothers Broadway Revue." Go Jason.

Then came the second gleeful, pee-my-pants moment. The group-sing is "Father Figure" and of course they give David Hernandez this line to sing: "For just one moment, to be bold and naked, at your side." And does he shy away from it? Oh no! He gives it his best school-of-Constantine-eye-fuck-Blue-Steel treatment and emphasizes/whispers "naked."


Yay Mojito!

Third gleeful, pee-my-pants moment? I seriously stopped reading any news or spoilers about the show about three weeks ago, so I honestly didn't know this was coming beforehand. I mean, I'm buzzed, not a fucking moron, so as soon as the group sing started with the George Michael songs, I figured he was the "Big Guest" to be appearing next. And yet, I was still all giddy when he actually showed up.

Bow down, bitches, to the premier diva of the '80s! George Michael! There he was, showing us all how to age gracefully without the use of surgery: sunglasses and subtle backlighting!


I was not the only one moved. Paula cried.


I realize that getting Pauler to shed tears isn't exactly as difficult as solving a quadratic equation with a complex coefficient. But fuck. It's the finale, and Hasselhoff wasn't around, so someone had to mist up.

So after all those shenanigans, there wasn't anything else left to do except send security to restrain FuckFaceFather Archuleta while Seacrest read the results. OH, yeah, wait. One last thing. Simon checked Dial Idol today and so he made it a point to eat crow and say that last night wasn't as a clear as he thought and that he would be thrilled to have either of them win.

And then, Cook wins! I don't know if he was swapping tips backstage earlier with GM, or if the crack makeup department just took care of him, but he showed us the importance of waterproof eye-makeup if sunglasses aren't readily available or acceptable.


And then he sang the winning song. Though it shares a title with a really popular Green Day tune, it is not nearly as cool as a Green Day tune, even that sappy one.


And then there were fireworks!


He wins 2008! (<--something even Hillary Clinton won't be able to say! So that's a big fucking deal!)

And now that's all until January. Thanks so much to everyone who read and/or commented here all year. And thanks to Don for filling in while I was under-the-weather.

Now bow down, bitches, as the premier AI blogger takes her leave! ( Okay, seriously, you don't have to bow. And you're not bitches, that was the booze talking, not me. And I know I'm not premier. Maybe like, 18th best or something, I don't know. Really, I'm not cocky, I was just trying to wrap up with a theme since I don't have pyrotechnics available here. )

How about this -- enjoy summer everyone. Ciao!