Wednesday, March 05, 2008

The Full Monty

Last night in Idol, the contestants had to bare their souls and speak about their most embarrassing moment.

Between Danny and David (and David), just when you thought things couldn't get any gayer on Idol, out flounced Luke Menard with his "embarrassing" tutu picture and he then falsettoed his way through "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go." Wait. Was that a falsetto? Or is that just his voice? I don't even care. It's now official. Allow me to docent you through this mini-gallery of things that are less gay than American Idol 7.

Then precious David Archuleta sang that Phil Collins song and Simon called upon him to stop being so gloomy, which I thought was a pretty mild warning. But, for me, it's already happening. He's so precious and yet he's so scripted and yes it's already wearing a bit thin. He's good. Right now, everyone else knows they're vying for second place on this show. And yet... So full of naked ambition, this kid and his team.

And then out came Danny.

He's still full of elan and sass and though I love "Tainted Love" he's just not coming up with the goods in his performances yet. He sounds good, but somehow dull. Simon recently admitted to using Botox, while rejecting Viagra. Yet his face did betray expression while watching Danny kick and wiggle.

Can you imagine what his face would've looked like if he didn't have his nerves deadened?

They then doubled down and had David Hernandez perform next. It was a completely regrettable segment from start to finish. For his "most embarrassing" reveal he talked about boogers which certainly didn't endear him to anyone, and then he came out and came out as he sang a Celine Dion song titled "It's All Coming Back To Me Now." Do we really need to enumerate the ways in which this song coincided with the stripper news? Well, I'm an obvious fuck, so I think we do.
1) It certainly all DID come back to him yesterday, didn't it?
2) The lyrics?
When I touch you like this
And I hold you like that
It's so hard to believe but
It's all coming back to me

Are you fucking kidding me, David? I can't even boldface the dirty parts because it's all so strippery. Chrissakes! Why not just add a line saying something like, "When I touch you like this, and you put a five in my g-string like that..."

Oh, he put on his brave camera-fucking face and tried to smolder his way though it. And the camera DOES love him.

He doesn't quite have the skeeve factor Constantine had when he'd filth his looks into the camera, but David gives it a winning shot, alright.

But when it was all over, they had Simon's mic live before they should've and if you were paying attention you could see him lean into Paula and make his crack, telling her to comment on how "he stripped that down."

But getting Pauler to actually make a comment like that? Shit. She has actually said a few coherent things this season. But I shit you not, here is a verbatim quote from her last night:
"I, you know, there's something, first of all, let's get back."

I replayed it and wrote that down to make sure. Now, I don't recall who she was critiquing when she said that, but it just doesn't really matter, does it?

Anyhow. Back to the man-candy. Ah well. I know I won't be the only one terribly distraught if he gets the boot tonight. I've a feeling Ryan is also hoping he sticks around so that it can all come back to him at some point. He's probably steam-ironing bills as we speak.

Then we had the kangaroo-fucker on, first talking about how he got beat up while dressed as a kangaroo. You know how he reminds me of Tim Daly. Well, for a couple weeks, I've been thinking about what great television it would be if Michael Imperioli would run across stage in the middle of one of Mike's songs and just slap him across the face and then run offstage. So when he told the beating story, I pictured Michael Imperioli as the one beating him up, with his little Dalyish face poking out of the kangaroo body. It was good.

Not so good was his performance. This guy is taking mediocre to rocketing heights, and I've also finally figured out why, although he is, admittedly, passably attractive, he does nothing for me. He's fucking old. I know, I know we all thought Taylor was old. But Michael Johns has that laid-back vibe because he's old. And he's bordering on frumpy most of the time. He can't even get me to feeling pervy, because he's basically age appropriate for me! Who the fuck needs that?

Also? Can someone please tell me if INXS really sang "Don't You Forget About Me?" Because, frankly, I thought it was Simple Minds, and I know Billy Idol covered it. But was Randy off his rocker or am I just ignorant?

Anyhow, then we moved on to David Cook. Cook is not like Hernandez, in that the camera does not like him. In fact, the camera fucking hates him.

But as Randy said, Cook emo'd out to Lionel Richie's "Hello" and I have to admit that I really liked it. I have to admit that I really like this fucker. I can't help it. I tried to hate him. And I will continue to make fun of him. But I'm kind of rooting for him. He's got long eyelashes and actually has a sense of self and just doesn't seem like a prick. Even though the camera acts like David stole its lunch money, he doesn't glare into it in defiance.

That said, seriously. I REALLY like this group of guys a hell of a lot better than last year's. But if they kick the Dancing Queen off tonight along with Luke? We'll be rapidly hurtling to levels of homeliness on the boys' side not seen since, well, last year.

Managing to bring the fugly-pretty all the way was once again Jason Castro. He sang "Hallelujah." Know what's smart about Castro? He takes the fucking band out of the equation. He either minimizes their arrangement or, like last night, just used a single guitar behind him. When you eliminate the horrible sounds that band produces, you're already ahead of the game, you know? Beyond that, he chose the best song by a mile and he walks the line of exploiting his stoner vibe while still seeming to pass for decent enough for middle America.

He did talk about losing a dread of his while on a date, though, and I will give him this snippet of advice. Keep it groomed, Castro. Keep it groomed. Right now, in the face, he actually looks a bit like a young John Travolta with that big nose and those cool blue eyes that pop against his dark pupils and in contrast to his eyebrows. But it's only a hop-skip-and missed shave away from ending up looking like a disaster like this, man:

And then Chikezie performed some Whitney Houston song which I used to think was either a carelessly worded Christian song about praising God, or a blatantly pornographic song about a guy with a big dick, considering it goes "he fills me up, he gives me all the love that I need."

Which, again, brings filthy me back to thinking of David Hernandez, because if he was nude stripping, that takes cojones, and I do mean that literally, you know?

I don't know. Luke will definitely get bounced tonight, but Chikezie went last, so he'll probably survive, which means America will have sent the stripper packing. It makes me sad.

But if he does survive, I have one piece of advice for him. Don't be bashful about it David. You're having trouble with song choices. Listen to me. Stop talking about your gymnast clothes and to Randy about your shoes. And here's what you should sing next: "You Can Leave Your Hat On."


Don Capone said...

Another great recap, Susan. I pretty much agree with everything. For the first time this season I liked David Cook. I think he had the best performance of the night. And Michael Johns...I like him and think he has a great voice. But he's coasting now, because he's levelled off. He is what he is, he's not getting any better. That is becasue he's 40. David A has a good voice, and Simon is right that he shouldn't be so gloomy. Noriega was horrible last night. Horrible. I think he and Luke get voted off Thurs night.

tangodiva said...

Sweet Christ on a cracker...the entertainment level last night was at 11. Yes, Simple Minds did "Don't You," Randy is an ignoramus. I was just telling my husband two weeks ago someone should sing this on IDOL, and MJ goes and cocks it up. Thanks, vegemite.

David H's song choice was either strongly apropos or inapropos, however you want to slice it. No gayer than Luke, that's for damned sure.

I, too, find myself falling hard for David Cook. How can you not? He has that French thing going on - they call it jolie-laide, I think. Pretty-ugly. There's just something about him.

And then there's Jason. Never in my bloody life did I think I'd hear "Hallelujah" on AI. I don't care if you love Cohen or Buckley, it's all good in the hood. Jason has that unspoiled vibe (now) that just sold it.

Here's a game my husband and I play when Paula talks: we make up words that she is actually saying in her blessedly Vicodin and Vodka addled brain: "Marmalade. Buttoiniere. Halitosis."

Try it. God bless Pauler.

trudi said...

Sweet jesus I actually screamed out loud and had tears in my eyes when I read:

"Even though the camera acts like David stole its lunch money, he doesn't glare into it in defiance. "

That, coupled with the Travolta
comparison, means I still love you even though my Idol is getting on your nerves.

Anonymous said...

Love the less gay than AI7 piccies lol, almost as good as asshole unasshole from AI5 ! David Cook was amazing last night but I do hope little Archuleta wins, despite all the experience and the showbiz mom, I loved her looked of approval to her sons answer to Randys "why didn't you sing the first verse" on imagine, "i think the 3rd verse is my fav and has a great message" when it should have been "because I'm a god bothering mormon Randy" - bless - he is so talented he has to win but if he doesn't he is already primed for politics!

katrina said...

Love your recaps, Susan!!

pinto said...

Susan, I'm back to reading my favorite trash-talking, foul-mouthed blogger. Still not quite sure how you can write all this funny stuff so quickly each week. However you do it, props to you, love.

P.S. Doesn't Danny look like Kelly Clarkson's skinny sister?

SusanD said...

Don-- I'm guessing Johns is either going to crash hard next week, or he needs to resurge, otherwise he's going to fade away quickly.

tangodiva! "jolie-laide" I love that! Never heard it. So gonna use it. Do you really think Pauler can parse "halitosis" in her mind?

trudi, katrina -- thanks :)

anon -- I hadn't even THOUGHT about why David A didn't sing the first verse -- great catch!

Pinto -- Kelly C's sister -- ha ha!

PezKat said...


All I can think about when I see that is Brad Pitt. ;-) (Who is not at all ugly, either.)

Um, yeah, that's all I've got on this one. Though I'll agree that the guys are much better & more interesting than the girls. Then again I think that every year!