Valhalla!

It's almost unfair, and it's nearly absurd, but it's not the least bit surprising. Alan Ball is a man who has continuously mined the themes of death -- and salvation -- to great critical and commercial acclaim. I admit, when I first heard he was doing a show about vampires for HBO, I was all "what the fuck?" But, as I think any reader here can notice, he certainly made a fan out of me. However, part of the reason he won me over so completely was because the weighty drama took a very far backseat to fun and flirty storylines. Granted, there was plenty of emotion in the first season, including some poignant passages.

But last night's episode, "I Will Rise Up," written by Nancy Oliver (a veteran writer of Six Feet Under and writer of the quietly and very weirdly touching Lars and the Real Girl) and directed by Scott Winant, was absolutely sublime. It was focused on family, exploring and exploiting themes of not just love, but devotion, and, ultimately, forgiveness, along with more than a touch of divinity.

Gods weighed heavily, as vibrating bitch Maryann was almost, for one spectacularly scary moment, reverent and awed while thinking of being at one with her god, and she then proceeded to destroy the residents of Bon Temps to achieve her goal.


However, the near-party atmosphere in the jail as everyone kept getting arrested was pretty funny. What was a little gross, however, was when Sam did his best Jeff Goldblum circa 1986 impression. Meanwhile, over in Dallas, Sookie's sympathy gave Godric a glimpse of true light, while his sacrifice may well have given back Eric his humanity. That Godric. I knew he was a Christ figure. I just didn't realize he'd be saving our favorite Viking, even if his actions caused Eric despair.

And, since I'm speaking of Eric, let's get it out of the way. Team Skarsgard Shirtless scored our first victory last night, and it was, indeed, decisive. To the writers, producers, lighting crew, and everyone else involved:


Well done, everyone. Well done. It's almost obscene, isn't it, to start talking so superficially about the enormous slab of naked Scandinavian -- in bed! Naked! With Sookie! NAKED!


Oh, I should be shamed to be bringing the quality of commentary down to this level. But don't you see -- that's precisely why Blood is so damn good -- because it gives us ALL this. It fires on all cylinders. Even when it's busy propelling itself toward superlative storytelling and tender heartbreak, it delivers all the frills along the way. They made us wait 21 episodes to get here, but they sure did it right. Big Bed. Big Boy. NO CLOTHES. And then he even slipped Sook tongue!


All this, of course, was just a dream of Sookie's, brought about by her magnanimous actions of sucking silver from injured Eric, therefore ingesting his blood. The look on Eric's face once he successfully tricked her into sucking and swallowing was priceless. He just is so good when he's bad. (Believe me, Sook, don't feel so stupid about it. It may not usually involve silver, but all us girls have been played into sucking and accidentally swallowing at one time or another ;))


But the best revelation was that Bill, though spitting mad, had to admit to her that she now not only had the emotional connection with him, but that she'd be sexually attracted to him. Hats of to Anna for pretending to be repulsed by the idea of sex with Eric, by the way. She had an all-around amazing episode for acting, once again pulling off the tears without chewing scenery. But what gets me, that Sookie apparently hasn't connected yet, is that this question now looms large -- did she REALLY fall for Bill? Or was she attracted to him because he managed to pump his blood into her almost immediately?

Anyhow, back to Eric being naked. For a guy who's got a severe allergy to silver, Sookie imagines that he certainly seems to have a tongue that's made of it, hitting Sookie in all her soft spots and declaring love for only her. Jesus. I mean, Godric. In stark contrast, there's Bill. For a guy who fears staking, you'd think he wouldn't constantly walk around with a stick up his ass. Oh, but poor Bill. I do feel for him.


Incidentally, in this week's "Bill is Johnny Drama" comparison, Drama spent his episode trying to keep a sweet girl away from a handsome, tall blonde dude who happens to be Drama's boss, and Drama even grabbed the guy by the throat, and then, well...it all worked for him as well as this exact same situation worked this week for Bill. Freaky, huh?

Anyhow, despite all Bill's proclamations that "Sook-ay is MINE," and telling Eric there's nothing he can do about, not even ten minutes later he catches Sookie sucking on Eric's chest. And, really, who wouldn't suck that chest? Silver smilver, I'd be all, "Eric, you've got a crumb right there. No, you missed it. There. Let me help..."


Anyhow you still gotta love Sookie. I notice in her dream scenario, Eric didn't bite her. Maybe she's getting sick of Bill always doing that? Then again, for a girl who, considering the company she keeps, should be keeping her jugular well protected, she continues to stick her neck out for the vampires. This week, she took on Nan Flanagan, professing Godric's heroic actions to save her life while Nan was so clearly unimpressed with vampire near-royalty giving a shit about a human. But Sookie just plugged away, despite Bill trying to stop her. Recurring themes and spot-on characterizations, there, I tell you. Every episode, at least once it happens. Bill: "Sookie, Don't!" Sookie: "Pfft. BLABBLAB obnoxiously at dangerous vampire."

Not only that, but Bill once again looked the fool. He finally DID pick his fight with Eric, punching him square in the jaw with all his vampire might. Eric took it, spit blood, and then quietly said, "Get out of my way." And Bill moved aside! Bill! Oh, Bill. (Johnny Drama!) But Bill did have the coolest special effect, right at the start of the episode when he bit the crusader's neck. A blood mist exploded, and that was something new and really quite gross. Also, I guess it's because of his coloring, but while Eric, to me, is hands down the scariest looking vampire when he's in attack mode, Bill takes the prize for always looking the grossest when his mouth and lips are all bloody. Maybe it's his coloring. But I also had a MAJOR issue with the makeup/coloring on Stephen Moyer's Bill this week. He no longer looks undead, makeup department. He looks fucking dead. Like a corpse. Greenish, even. Fucking, fix this shit, would you? It's bad enough he's now got to compete against Eric. He doesn't need to look like he belongs on the coroner's table to do it.

As I mentioned, it was just love, or even loyalty, but devotion that played a pivotal role in this episode, with several characters' devotions coming into question, while others were just solidified. There was:
Lafayette - Tara - Maryann
Godric - Eric - Sookie - Bill
Hoyt's mama - Hoyt- Jessica

But I particularly loved Sookie and Jason reconnecting. Though he wasn't kicking actual ass in this episode, Jason and Sook kicked figurative ass while bonding over Gram as the siblings ought to. And poor Jason, admitting to being a fuckhead idiot.


Jason and Sookie's scene, while being quietly and truly touching, also gave us the best visual laugh of the week once the Newlins popped back onscreen, with Steve sporting a bruise from the paintball, and he and Sarah devolving into sniping at each other instead of defending themselves against Nan, until Sarah finally frustratedly shouted to the vamp PR queen "I hate your hair!"

Not quite siblings, but sharing the deep bond, Tara's cousin Lafayette did the literal ass kicking this week. Lafayette!


Oh my Godric, y'all, I loved seeing him put the hurt on fucking Eggs and rescue his hooker cousin! I have to admit, after the way her mother treated her, I wasn't too broken up about seeing Tara attack her mom, but then it got a little, you know, demonically violent and was glad Lafayette broke it up. I do notice he was super-strong, and assume that's courtesy of -- say it with me -- having ingested Eric's 1000 year old blood. I also have to wonder if that supernatural blood will help protect Lafayette from Maryann's advances, because she sure seemed to take an instant interest in him (though, who wouldn't, right?) while he immediately said he "didn't know what you are, but you're a soulless bitch." You know, I know the whole imprisoning/torture thing that Eric did to Laf was not cool, but I also now wonder if it didn't ultimately save his life in more than one way, because you know Lafayette would've been first in line to the wild orgies. Also? Rutina Wesley wins scream of the week.

Also kicking ass, even if it's only verbal ass? Real men Hoyt and Terry. Terry, "I didn't mean to get peculiar at you" to Arlene was classic, and Hoyt standing up to his momma was awesome.


Hoyt is, without question, any girl's dream first-boyfriend. In other words, someone that good just doesn't exist, but I really hope both he and Jessica survive the season.

I must say I was shocked that Stan died oddly quietly. I assume he bit the dust because I found his evil ass attractive, which is what makes me worried for Hoyt and his uber-goodness. I don't even recall seeing a gross shot of Stan's exploded corpse or anything amidst the rubble of the explosion. And I do enjoy my gore effects on this show. Given that, I wasn't so impressed with the special effects of Godric's immolation. It did nothing to lessen the power of that scene, but it was one of the few times when I thought "TV budget" instead of movie quality. And I still question why the fuck Isabel is so fucking tan!

But this was quite possibly the best episode of this show to date, of both seasons. Not only did it bring all the fun we're used to, but it rose up levels and touched up universal and well-worn "heavy" themes that could've come off as clunky, melodramatic, or even cheap. But young Allan Hyde as Godric played it understated, while Skarsgard and Paquin did the heartbreaking work. And what was most notable is that in this show about near-constant bloodshed and violence, the biggest and most moving moment to date was one of pure gentleness and simple kindness.

But even stranger, instead of it closing doors, this episode also managed to open up so many more questions and boundaries, perhaps confusing even the viewer's devotions along with the characters'. One thing that is still a constant, though, is my allegiance to Team Skarsgard Shirtless. Alex just proved it. No matter how good the show is, it can always be improved with proper nudity.


NOTE: I usually get my screencaps from True Blood.net or marishna, but I've a feeling they're gonna take their time clicking through this episode, so we did it a little different. The most excellent gifs were courtesy of Sophistabitch.

Whoo-Hoo for Woo!

After a few lackluster Blood episodes, this week's, , "Timebomb," written by Alexander Woo and directed by John Dahl (Rounders) brought back the bang! (I had to make the bomb pun-reference at least once.) Easily one of the best episodes ever for the humor, horror, suspense and sex appeal, it's almost hard to pick out the best parts.

For fans of bondage and sadism, we had both of those on display, with Eric getting chained in silver and Tara and Eggs taking slap and tickle a little too far. I think it was more than a coincidence that Sookie unraveled the chains holding Eric -- echoing her season one rescue of Bill.


That scene had a whole different vibe than the all-out disturbing Tara throwdown. Eric's skin was steaming (while he was also just smoking hot!) but it wasn't nearly as gross as the whole Hunter's Souffle thing. First, we had Maryann jumping on the Julia Childs revival bandwagon, but she took a severe left turn when she started hacking up Daphne's heart to add to the mix. And I do have to say, this plotline is now pissing me off. I know Tara's bewitched, but come ON. When you start cutting a pot pie and it bubbles blood, I still think you'd be disinclined to start eating it. At least one moment's hesitation to think, "Hmm. What sort of new fuckery is this, spilling out of this souffle?" But no. She and Eggs wolf it down, and next think you know, she's kicking him in the balls and then fucking him, all black eyed and apparently with her jeans still on.


I don't know what sort of juju Maryann is working, but that's pretty powerful to pull those feats off. But this was the only low point of the show, as the rest was nearly perfection. It was stock suspense-movie shit, the scenes with Sam getting woken in the woods and then going into the bar and getting framed. But it was done well -- so well that it's understandable why it's stock suspense scenes. Beyond that, Sam Tramell as Sam Merlotte again gives one of the easiest performances. For all the shit he's going through, getting pushed into a jail cell, he still has time to react when Mike the coroner tells him, "I sodomized a pine tree." And Sam appropriately reacts, "What'd you do that for?"


But for as funny as this episode was, I'm torn on the funniest scene of all. Once again, we have proof that Bill Compton is the undead, Southern version of Entourage's Johnny Drama. Over on the west coast, the boys played a round of charity golf (in an overall very funny episode) and Drama got bent out of shape when his game wasn't sharp and so he destroyed Tom Brady's club. This was a scene that shows why Kevin Dillon is Emmy nominated for this role. We all knew that the abuse of the club was going to happen, but it was still laugh-out-loud funny when it did. Meanwhile, Bill did some property damage of his own when he beat the shit out of Lorena with a 52 inch plasma TV. The best part -- it was the hotel's TV, so it's all still on Eric's bill! Oh my god, I love Bill. I know I make fun, because he's such a doof, but I do adore him and his oh-so-earnest and passive-aggressive ways.

Meanwhile, it was a tie for the awkward-funny between Bill and Jason for their scene together when Jason made amends to officially welcome him to the family. First, Jason opened the episode with the Reverend's wife leaning over him with a paintball gun, shouting, "You're worse than Judas!" And Jason asks, "Why? What'd he do to you?" It was getting trying to have all the characters in their own worlds and plots, separated from each other. But it paid off in spades this episode when finally Sookie and Jason's lives dovetailed again. Jason again got all "Don't talk about my sister!" and then armed himself and stormed the church and played conquering hero. But after that, he still had some karmic cleaning up to do.

First, Eric cornered him. Once Eric had Godric back to safety, it was as though Eric shook off the weight of the world and he as back to being his old, toying, self -- smirking at humans and taunting Bill, while clearly eyeing up Sookie as more than a snack, giving blatant crazy eyes to her in front of Bill. His exchange with Jason was pure joy as they cleared the air about Jason's V habit from last year and Eric gave him a pass, while also nearly scaring the piss out of Jason.


But Jason then cornered Bill, apologizing to him for his previous dickitude towards him, and then awkwardly lunging at him and hugging him. Bill, of course, reacted the way I'd assume most vampires react to a human hugging them -- essentially the way a human reacts when they don't want to be bit by a vampire. In a desperate, hopeless recoil.


But Bill did pull his shit together enough to respond, when Jason self-consciously asked, "Was that okay for you?" Bill squeaked out, "It was fine." That Bill.

But then I have to swing back to Eric, bringing the unexpected himself. I can't recall a more anachronistic creature than Eric, slinking through that church. He may not have gotten shirtless, but he did provoke a near panty-change when he leaned close to Sookie and whispered, "Trust me." Then, still clad in his black leathers, his skin gleaming white, he hunched himself down and adopted a weird stride as he took on a hilarious Texas twang to attempt to fake out churck-folk. It honestly looked like a cartoon panel with the absurdity and hilarity of it, or at least like Skarsgard had channeled Jim Carey for a few moments before he suddenly turned into his menacing self again.

Speaking of menacing, I've always got to have the attraction to the assholes. When cowboy-vampire Stan stormed the church and declared, "Destroy them all!" I have to admit I thought he was wickedly attractive. But, then again, continual good-boy Hoyt was still adorable, as was Jessica. Poor Jessica, forever doomed to be a "virgin." My lord, in the battle of vampire families, even with Jessica in the mix, Eric's bloodline of Godric-Eric-Pam kicks the everloving shit for cool quotient over the Lorena-Bill-Jessica line. Bill's family needs centuries of therapy.

Not virginal, however, is Reverend Newlin's wife. And Jason finally let him in on that. When Newlin taunted, "We'll see who goes to heaven," Jason responded with the knockout blow: "I've already been to heaven. It was inside your wife." He then punched him and called him a "white suit motherfucker" which is pretty much what clinched it for Jason, allowing me to crown him as the funniest guy this whole show.

Although Ryan Kwanten's Jason brought the ultimate in funny, he uncharacteristically remained fully clothed this episode, leaving the door ajar for Sookie to sneak in and steal the most beautiful award. She was absolutely rocking that while coat.


Even better was the set up for stunning and symbolic group shots that it allowed. Not to be outdone by Woo's outstandingly sly script, Dahl created some scenes through lighting and choreography that were better than most movies. At the "Godric is back" gathering, Sookie was wearing the snow white. Nearly every vampire was wearing black, except for Godric, who was wearing light grey, and Bill, who was in greyish-green. Human Jason was also in grey. And bloodsucker Lorena was in blood red. Two other visually stunning details when they show the wide shot: 1) Vampires don't breathe, and for several seconds, the room was completely motionless as the vampires simply hovered, watching. 2) The smallest and seemingly youngest person in the room was, by far, the most powerful. And the actor playing Godric, Alan Hyde, pulled that off.


There were also a few other stunning scenes in the church. By the time Stan arrived and the showdown started, and church was set to explode, suddenly Godric appeared at the top of the atrium in the sanctuary, commanding all attention.


And though his exact words were, "I'm actually older than your Jesus. I wish I had known him, but I missed it," he then went ultimate peacemaker and refused to allow Stan and Eric to slaughter the civilians. Oh, so sweet and wise he is. When Eric later balked, claiming that the church did nothing but fan the flames of hatred against them, Godric simply replied, "Let's be honest. We are frightening."

No shit. For as awful as the bloody heart souffle was, the most horrifying moment this week was still when Lorena attacked and bit poor, innocent Barry. I was a little torn when Sookie went all Springer on Lorena's ass. I don't blame Sookie for being pissed, but it was just a little declasse of her to start screaming like that in public. Especially because she wasn't fighting over Barry. They were, of course, fighting over Bill. Bill!

I don't think we've seen the last of Lorena. But given Eric's complete devotion to and abject submittal to Godric's will, I think we've also just stepped up the love triangle as Eric will be approaching Sookie no longer as a pet, but now as a person. God, it's all so Aniston-Pitt-Jolie I can't stand it. I'm neither Team Compton nor Team Northman here. I'm just still Team Skarsgard Shirtless, so this is all looking like good, filthy fun. Woooooo!

Bite Me, HBO -- The Alexander Skarsgard Post

I want one. I will never have one. So I rent weekly. But I'm starting to get frustrated, feeling like my supplier is holding back on me.

What is that I want? My own Viking Vampire, as played by Swedish stud Alexander Skarsgard. Or, well, at this point, to be frank, I don't care if he's a Viking or a vampire. I just have a crush on Skarsgard. And, it's apparently not just me. The ratings numbers for True Blood are climbing each week, now officially making it the most watched cable show since The Sopranos. And yes, yes, we know it's because of Alan Ball's writing, Charlaine Harris's wacky world, all that addictive blood and violence, not to mention all the blatant sex. But, speaking of the sex, that's exactly why I'm getting a little miffed. Because the sex scenes are explicit. But they're keeping The Sex still under wraps. Which is my long-winded way of saying that it's about fucking time for Skarsgard to --at least -- take off his shirt, dammit!

I am paying really good money for HBO. And so far, this is the most they've delivered -- just one quick peek of Eric relaxing in a bathtub last season, with Bill (naturally, it has to be Bill fucking up our fun) barging in on him.

At this point in my crush, I have been diligently scouring the web (fuck you, it's so not cyberstalking, yet. Is it?), searching for all the Alex info possible, and let me tell you, in recent weeks, he is suddenly everywhere. I know I'm not the only one he's glamoured, and I'm also fairly certain that Ken Branagh is about ready to kick himself for passing on this 6'4" golden god for his upcoming movie Thor. As Eric would say: "Poorly played, Ken. Poorly played."

Alexander admits that quite often nowadays, when women see him in public, they ask him to bite their necks. And, god bless this boy, he claims he always happily obliges. Isn't that supposedly one of the primary body language signs of flirting, when a woman shows her neck? What a way to flirt so openly and play it off to his current role.

And talk about a flirt and a tease? Alexander has given several interviews lately talking about his views on nudity onscreen. Guess what? He's all for it! "I'm Scandinavian, dammit, we love to be naked! Nudity is great!" Also? It gets even better: He's ALL for it, doesn't even want a sock in the way!

FUCK, RIGHT?

And yet, eight episodes into the second season of this show, and the closest I can get to Valhalla is courtesy of Lady GaGa's "Paparazzi" video where she (wisely) makes out with him and at least gets his pants off.


I did, also, happen to find this charming clip from a Swedish film, but there's all sorts of fuckery about with subtitles which totally screw up the view.


Great Odin's Raven! This isn't a Bergman film! When there's soap and water and a naked Skarsgard, I really do not need a translation. At this point, I feel as though "cockblocking" is taking on a slightly different meaning.

I am not a valkyrie and will most certainly never have an Alexander Skarsgard of my own. But it's quite enough to just have him onscreen. But enough of this teasing, HBO! Every week you people contort yourselves and the plot to get Jason Stackhouse out of his shirt, and then you keep shoving Bill in my face all shirtless and trouser-less. Bill! Bite me with the naked Bill! Give me my premium cable money's worth, bitches! Skarsgard! Skin! SOON! I'm salivating here!

Don't You Forget About Him

As a lover of movies, and a child of the '80s, of course I know who John Hughes is, and his passing is one of those benchmarks that makes me more aware of my advancing age.

I have, luckily, been aware that my youth was gone a long time ago. In fact, I was aware that it was slipping away back when I was still a teenager, which was a strange gift of prescience, because I firmly believe that most teenagers are blissfully unaware of their own mortality, but being able to process the fact that youth was brief drove a lot of my wildness, and my crazy antics are something I most certainly don't regret. But his passing makes me reminisce, because some of his movies were -- whether you like them or not -- inarguably cultural touchstones.

They are, without question, drenched in '80s -- both in the fashions/music onscreen, but also in their very construction and execution. Hollywood has its ups and downs, and the '80s, in general, were one of those downs. And comedy can often have a generational divide. I truly don't know if kids today would find Sixteen Candles or The Breakfast Club or Ferris Bueller funny. They're perhaps not rife enough with texting and twittering refernces to be able to connect. And yet, something tells me that they do endure because Hughes, seemingly so effortlessly, was able to tap into the high school cliques in such a base, archetypal way, that I suspect they still have cross-generational resonance along with some silly gags along the way.

There is the primary setup in all these movies that pits the teenagers against the adult authority figures in some capacity, and that's certainly a theme that will endure for a very long time. But beyond the rebellion angle, the theme that's even more pervasive, at least in the brat packy faves Sixteen Candles and Breakfast Club, is the desire for acceptance and belonging.


And what Hughes did so smartly, so effortlessly, is to portray, within his waspy suburban setting, all the cliques as having this desire. In teen movies, it's very often the misfit against the in-crowd. And there is, of course, more than a dash of that conflict in Hughes's flicks. But these pictures aren't set up as come-uppance pictures so much as coming-of-age pictures, because Hughes generally refrained from villainizing the cool kids. Some of them, of course, get painted with the irredeemable asshole brush. But whether it was smart marketing on his part, or just an insightful sensitivity, he understood and projected to the audience that even the cool kids were searching for validation. And it's at least partly because of this that he ended up with monster hits.

When we watch movies, we root for the underdog, certainly. But when presenting teens to teens, you're not going to "get through" to the widest audience when you alienate a large portion of your audience by presenting them as the bad guys. Because the jocks and the popular kids were represented as just as vulnerable and root-for worthy, Hughes was able to portray all the typical cliques in an inclusionary, wacky way. As Emilio Estevez's character said, "We're all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it."

And the simplest part of it, the "enlightening" part, was that acceptance came between different groups, but also for each individual, not because they eventually rebelled against their labels, but embraced them, and had their awakening when they realized that they were more than that, that some others saw them as full humans, but were now okay with being what they were labeled as.

It's a very liberating, and hopeful concept for teenagers who are struggling to figure out what they're supposed to be and do and how to grow up in the world. John Hughes, as a director, I don't think he'll ever be hailed as an "auteur." Even as a writer, though he penned many monster comedy hits, I don't know if he's considered a comic genius, either. Perhaps it's a perceived lack of gravitas, or his waspy, middle-America settings, or the somewhat sanitized teenage tales that will keep him off the list of the elite. Or, perhaps, history will bear out and bring about a Hughes appreciation. But I know this. If you're of my generation, you've had, somewhere along the way, something happen to you (or, now, something happend to one of your kids) that seemed like it was right out of a John Hughes movie -- and you know forever exactly what that phrase means.

Are You There Godric? It's Me, Sookie

Well, although the pace of True Blood has been nearly glacial the past few weeks, it's still manages to pack the wallops here and there and thoroughly entertain. I loved that we opened up with Andy getting up from the ground and still yelling-chasing after the "PIG!"

I was most heartened this week to see Lafayette start to get some of his "pizzaz" back, and to see Tara at least start to slide pieces into place while she's not fully entranced. Not only are they cousins, but Lafayette and Tara have consistently been the smartest people on this show.


(I know, not so hard to outwit the likes of the Stackhouse siblings, but still.) Seeing Lafayette go right after Eggs in front of Tara was some good shit, and then Arlene confessing her "date rape" of Terry wasn't just good for laughs, it's definitely making Tara start to wake up. I know Sam warned her about Maryann earlier, but I wish he'd take this opportunity to really grab her and shake her to her senses to get her away from the freak.

This was, certainly, an episode about crazy bitches. Ever since Glenn Close boiled Michael Douglas's family pet, we've taken to calling stalkerish chicks bunny boilers, and they ran amok this week. Maryann actually killed and brought home a rabbit, trailing the blood across Sookie's floor.


And yet, this wasn't enough to completely awaken Tara. I don't know what sort of hash Eggs is slinging, but he's got his girl scrambled, alright. But then we also had Daphne trying to pull Sam to the dark side. There were a couple of unfortunate moments in these scenes, however. First, it was about five minutes of pure exposition, which was just weird. Second, it showcased Sam Trammell's acting ability, which was a stark contrast to the previous scene with Ana Camp's tiresome, uh, no pun intended, overly-campy delivery. That said, I did love Ana-Sarah Newlin's wacked out hair as she tracked down Jason and open fired upon him. She's a mortal, and I still think she may be the wackiest bitch they've got going. But let's not forget crazy Lorena, still pining for Bill. The oddest thing here isn't that she's so nasty and crazy, but that's she's still hung up on Bill. Bill!


And, in the crazy bitch department, I guess we can also include the sunny-side up Reverend Steve Newlin and his queeny, vamp-hating ways.


But it was overall a nice contrast. Just two weeks ago, the episode was titled "Never Let Me Go," and this week was "Release Me," and in the timeline of the show, I think this mighty change is only a matter of two days. No surprise all these guys (and Tara) want away from these crazy broads, but it was also Sookie who was literally imprisoned. Poor Sook, but I was glad to see bellboy Barry come to her rescue. And if crazy bitch Lorena hurts the poor dear schmuck Barry, I'll stake her myself!

I was particularly glad to see Hoyt and Jessica not only staying out of the fray, but continuing to bring the utterly awkward and adorable. Finally, they break out the joke as "Bleeding Love" plays as Hoyt's seduction number for his vamp girlfriend. And I do love Jessica, with Hoyt trying so hard to be gentle and romance her, and she just blurts out, "Just take off your pants."

Also a nice moment? Jason being dragged out in the woods to get killed, and he doesn't even know why, but as soon as the brute badmouthed Sookie, Jason got all sibling on his ass with "Don't talk about my sister!" and then kicked the shit out of the muscle!


I will say it again. He may not be the brightest crayon in the box, but he is Jason fucking Stackhouse! He will have his pudding, dammit! And then he will defend his sister! Too bad he apparently gets shot for it. Fuck it. Maybe Godric will give him some of his blood. I know they mentioned it in this episode, but I'm still a little fuzzy on it, but I believe they said he's 2,000 years old, so his blood could heal Jason if that's true.

All I know is that Godric had better be worth the worry he's putting Eric through. Again, I think it's been mentioned that Godric is twice as old as Eric, but Eric is our resident super-vampire, and I do not like seeing him cry blood, damnit. That said, I do really like the contrast they've set up between Eric and Bill from the start, and seeing them with their makers really brings it all into sharp focus. Part of the reason Eric is so enjoyable is because he loves being a vampire. Bill sees it all as a curse that ruined his life, and sees his maker as a crazy fucking bitch, and is filled with self-loathing for the awful things he's done. Meanwhile Eric feels utter devotion -- quite possibly even worship -- to his maker and sees his vampirism as the ultimate gift and takes a lot of joy in vampiring it up. The oddest part? Though we've seen Eric, the bad boy, be completely manipulative and even Machiavellian and downright violently brutal, there's always a bit of a qualifier to his actions. He's just not nasty or evil. Whereas last week, we saw Bill, the good guy, do some truly grotesque and ghastly things.

All of this, of course, probably points to an ultimate Eric and Sookie pairing, which I don't really mind, as long as Sooks doesn't try to, ahem, defang the viking vampire the way she has with Bill. Then again, Eric will also have to get over his general distaste for humans and how "They certainly don't keep well." He is a funny fucker, alright. I wonder if he pictures putting Sookie in a refrigerator crisper to keep her fresh longer. But I can only tolerate him getting the cow eyes over Godric, not a girl.

As for things I really don't understand, though -- WHY must our Louisiana vampires be so pasty, while the Dallas ones aren't? I recall last season and how I thought we didn't have hot guys on this show. I've since seen Stephen Moyer (Bill) doing interviews, and he is, in fact, quite hot without the pancake makeup and bad hairdo. Alexander Skarsgard, even while being pasty white with red-rimmed eyes, is incredibly hot now that they've given him a haircut and D&G clothes. But then we meet Isabel and Stan, and they look -- human. They look great! Are they Mystic Tanning? Compare the difference between these first two and then Bill and Eric. What the fuck, right?


It can't be an age discrepancy, because I'm relatively certain at this point that Eric is 1,000 and Bill is under 150 -- and they're both the color of skim milk. I'm almost hoping they actually have the big "Meet the Dawn" barbeque and that Bill and Eric get just crisped enough to give them some color at this point.

Lastly, it wasn't just Turtle last night who was pulling off a Chuck Bass look. 2,000 years old, one of the pale ones, and he saved our succulent Sookie, but Godric was definitely Bassish.

Yum

The lovely and talented Donna George Storey recently shared a recipe for almond tea cake that I tried and loved. So when she asked if I had a recipe for tiramisu, I felt kind of bad, because I kind of don't. It's more of a clusterfuck of what I feel like doing, with some basic steps, but I passed it along to her, so go ahead and check out her blog if you want to check out one of my favorite standards that's never really standard.

Also speaking of food/beverage, I know I'm pathetic at this point, but damn right I'm a gonna try this. I'll mix anything with vodka at least once. Between this and Dexter, blood oranges are really getting some play these days.

Betas

It was alternately a very bad, and then a bad that became okay night for betas on HBO last night.

On Entourage, Turtle's birthday increased his post-adolescence funk as he decided it was time to become his own man. While Ari helped to propel E more towards business savy independence, he also had to play dad to Turtle and show him some tough love. We've seen Turtle try to make his own way before when he discovered Saigon, but that turned out fairly disastrously. But now that Vinny's back on top, life should be easy for Turtle. But does this look like a guy who was just given two cars (including one Ferrari) for his birthday and has bagged Jamie-Lynn Sigler?


Oh poor Turtle. The show was in full-swing douche mode when all four guys got to race Ferraris around a track. But, you know, it's Entourage, and I was glad Drama got to do it. When they were done, he mused about getting himself a Ferrari, but Turtle called him out, saying, "In this economy, you'd look like a douche." Of course, two feet away sat Vince's birthday present to Turtle -- a Ferrari. It was one of those insanely over-the-top Entourage moments that make me simultaneously sigh in disgust while also warming my heart. But poor Turtle got little satisfaction from the gift, and then even less from Ari when Ari reamed him out and told him to man up and prove his worth before coming and asking for his help.

In stark contrast was E. I have to say I'm really glad that I finally warmed up to E last season, because he was -- no pun intended here -- gold this episode. Under Ari's coaching, he suited up and went in to fight for his client against a network exec, and then, when all seemed lost, he owned the line of the night by going Omarosa on the executive and saying, "Well, maybe you're racist." Even better was Ari, giggling about it with him over the phone, telling him he was proud of him even though he blew it.

While E took another step toward independence, poor Lloyd kept sucking it up, proving his worth to Ari by memorizing insane amounts of info and greeting all clients more professionally. "Good afternoon Mr., uh, Turtle." But Turtle too, didn't buckle under Ari's challenge and decided to take the first step to bringing his ideas to fruition by going back to school. What the fuck, man? Is this Entourage or an after-school special all the sudden? All I can say is good for Turtle, but he BETTER be hitting the books while being baked, or this whole plotline just lost all cred.

Though I'm sure it wasn't intentional, Hung's Ray finally manned-up last night and turned his first successful trick. Quite a big leap from last week when his client stole his wallet and maxed out his credit cards. (That really does make me giggle, even a week later.) Not as funny as last week with him getting played like that, but nice development.

Meanwhile, the weird and wonderful True Blood got its mojo back this week. How bad can an episode be when it starts off with Eric drinking hooker blood in a hotel bar and being too bored to endure it?


That's Eric for you, alright. I'm rapidly becoming enchanted with Alexander Skarsgard. He plays Eric with such calm composure, and yet there's a nearly palpable difference between his lazily bored demeanor and the times when he's quietly pensive, and then the dangerous, coiled and controlled monstrous strength he simply projects, and it's enough to intrigue and scare the shit out of you, considering we have seen him rip people limb from limb. And he did, of course, get snippy with the hooker when she called him "baby" because, say it with me people, he is "over 1,000 years old."

I also loved Lafayette's hallucinating Andy as Eric. Skarsgard nailed those Andy facial expressions, and it was made even funnier when later in the episode, Sam mimicked Andy's voice talking about the pig. As an aside, Terry taking care of cowering, PTSDing Lafayette was about the sweetest thing ever. But back to Eric...

As awesomely threatening and yet supernaturally sexy as Eric is -- and he is sex on film, the country of Sweden has crowned him their sexiest man six times now

(Can People magazine and their beautiful people issue be far behind? Now that they've run through the cast of Ocean's Eleven, maybe they'll go slumming in the southern vampire series and discover some new sex next year) -- I was alternately scared by and then scared for Vampire Bill. (and yes, that was one hell of a fucked up sentence, but I do this shit for free, so let it go.)

Bill. BILL! What the fuck! I finally get what Malcolm and the rest of the ratty pack meant last year when they called him out for being buzzkill now that he's mainstreaming. With last night's flashback, we finally got a glimpse of pre-Sookie, "adolescent" Bill. He and his gorgeous-yet-nasty maker Lorena owned the bloodiest, most disturbing scene of the night as flapper-era vamps who terrorized and slaughtered a couple and then fucked in blood-soaked bed while the woman kept oozing blood around them. So gross! (awesome!) But truly disturbing, considering it was Bill, who we've recently been lulled into thinking of as a "good" guy. But, you know, he was still Bill in the scene. Though nastily mocking the man, he was still decidedly dorky about it, repeating the poor fellow's stutter and shouting "Au revoir!" Then, of course, back in the present day, he gets beat up by a girl. Oh, Bill.

But the best little touch last night? A couple eps ago, Bill got cutesy with Eric. Knowing Eric was picking up the tab, Bill ordered a $45 bottle of TruBlood, and when Eric said he hoped that Bill would at least enjoy it, Bill smirked as he said he had no intention of drinking it, he was just wanted Eric to pay for it. Eric called him immature and moved on, but I thought it was pretty funny. Last night, fully frustrated, Bill's progeny Jessica checked out the room service and saw the price of TruBlood being $45, and, assuming Bill was paying, she snottily took two bottles from the mini-fridge and dumped them down the drain. She is SOOO his "daughter!"

Apropos of nothing, but Anna Paquin does about the best screaming of anyone.


She's got a lot of different screams, for all different occasions. Last night, it was high-pitched and mewly, short burts while she struggled to get away. Totally different from her pain-filled, nearly whistle scream, and a whole different category from her shock/surprise/scared scream. Good job, Anna. I also loved Sookie's observation that Mrs. Reverend Newlin looks like "vanilla pudding." Particularly funny considering the infamous "Sarah doesn't whip out her pudding for just anybody" line earlier this year.

The entire last twenty minutes of the show had insane mounting tension, and not least of all because they waited until the 52 minute mark to finally give us shirtless Jason. Back to that pudding being whipped out? We knew it was coming. I don't care how tight the pudding lockdown supposedly is. He is Jason fucking Stackhouse and if he wants pudding, he's gonna get it. And he got it, even though he really doesn't want it.

But it was our perpetual beta dog, Sam, who finally had it all collapse on him last night. I knew it was a bad idea to sleep with another employee. Turns out, this time, it's because she's a minion -- and the pig! She's the infamous, motherfucking Paul Bunyan, lacking a livestock permit pig! And she led him straight to Maryann. That vibrating bitch! I was so concerned about what she wanted with Tara that I forgot that Tara was just a pawn to get to Sam. I still don't get why, but poor old Sam. Unlike Turtle, I don't think a few adult education courses are going to get him out of this pickle. (though I still recommend that sexual harassment seminar, dude.) The poor, scruffy, plaid-wearing son-of-a-bitch. (<--probably literally, hee!) The best part that makes it all so True Blood? Yeah, he was kidnapped and taken to an orgy! WHY exactly aren't you watching this show yet?

True Blood Drinking Game Season Two Addendum

Okay, anytime someone mentions that Godric is two fucking thousand years old, don't drink. Vomit up everything you've been drinking. Seriously. Godric is 2,000 years old! Did you know that? Has Eric mentioned this to you? Ask him about it. He's sure to let you know that he's 1,000 years old, and that Godric is twice as old as he is, and twice as strong. So that means that Godric is 2,000 years old!


Now look, Alan Ball, I TRULY do appreciate all the shit this brings together on the show, what with Jason being "made" into a warrior by the radical Christians. You know, Christians, people who believe in Jesus, a guy who lived 2,000 years ago! And now, our resident super-Vamp, Eric, with all his seemingly feline disinterest, is all uppity because his 2,000 year old maker has been stolen by this church! But this all became anvilicious last week with all the repeated utterings of age. This week? Just ridiculous.

That said, I absolutely cracked up at Barry giving Sookie the smackdown about her being from some "burnt corncob of a town and hanging out with candy-assed vampires." Truly, the funniest yet reference to Dallas being rogue and all generally Texas in their 'tude, while also getting in the weekly jab about Vampire Bill being a lame-O. Poor fuckin' Bill. No longer just a dork, now also a candy-ass.

This week had to be the most boring episode ever of this show. It had been laughable that it had been overlooked by the Emmys for show/writing/acting categories, and yet I wasn't at all surprised. For as popular as this show was last year, it was hugely un-watercoolerish, in that no one was talking about it. I mean, I did, some. But I think most of us had the same guilt over it, so we'd huddle in our darkened rooms and drool over the episodes and then be embarrassed to talk about it, being as it is, after all, a freaking vampire show. It just sounds so silly. But then something happened after the season finale and viewers couldn't stand it anymore and started to make little asides until it built, and the anticipation over Lafayette's fate was too much to keep secret once the new season got close. Then, this summer, it just exploded the way a staked vampire can and suddenly it was a Bloodbath in the media and on the streets. But that was a little too little and a little too late for Emmy consideration, and the Emmys DO go with the flow of chatter instead of actually picking stuff up on their own. But then, sadly, after the noms were announced, instead of this episode making it seem ludicrous that it was left off the list, it just made the whole show seem ludicrous to any new viewers. I mean, seriously.

What the fuck? ZERO bloodshed and gore content. They totally ignored the murder mystery that opened the season. Even though it has obviously been back-burnered what with the 2,000 year old Godric problem, we could've at least had one shot of Andy working on it, or the pig problem. Worse, Bill and Sookie have hit "Schmoopy" territory with their relationship. THIS is exactly the shit that people are talking about when they call you a bitch, Bill!


Worse yet, at the end of the show, vibrating bitch Maryann shows up looking like she raided Big Love's Juniper Creek wardrobe department and Tara didn't say SHIT about it! I realize that Tara must be spellbound or something, but STILL. Without her saying, "Bitch, what are you wearing?" it just seemed even more bizarre.

Also? Whenever that once-unintentionally-creepy-assed-now-turned-hilarious-due-to-overexposure photo of Tara/Gran/Sookie appears onscreen -- DRINK. Oh my God, y'all. That thing has become so funny to me.

Not funny any longer? Eggs/Maryann/Carl. They now bore me. No orgy this week. Call me fickle, but I missed it. Just all of a sudden they're like displaced Katrina refugees, looking for someplace to live. You KNOW Sookie is gonna go total bitchcakes when she gets back and finds remnants of that damn party/orgy, but she will then lose her shit totally to find them camped out in Gran's room while she's stuck hearing Maryann's inner thoughts of chanting to Dionysus so she can grow talons. What horseshit. Also? Bill will be PISSED cuz Sooks will be pissed. And I just want to smash Eggs' stupid guitar over his head, playing lame-ass shit even John Mayer would think was pussy.

I'm also pissed that it's two weeks in a row with no Pam. That's what Sookie should do! When Tara drops the dime to Sookie about the un-fab trio hunking down at Chez Stackhouse, Sookie should make Eric get PAM to go over there to chaperone.

Another Drink add on? Whenever Sam has sex with an employee -- drink. I know we'll all be plastered, but it needs to be said at this point. I have never seen anyone so happy to dip his pen in the company ink. Or, in his case, I guess, dip his straw in the bar's mixed drink. Christ! (Or, er, Godric!) Someone please get this guy to a seminar about this kind of thing. Terry? Lafayette? Bueller? ANYONE!

On the upside, I'm sure next week will be a return to the gore and action and sick sex. (And no, that holy-water handjob Jason got doesn't count for this week. That was funny, alright, and weird, but just...no. )
Hardcore fans only for the next paragraph, cause I've got a major spoiler I can share with you:

A very reliable source has confirmed to me that it's true -- Godric is 2,000 years old! Shhhh, don't tell anyone, I think it's a secret!

Evil, Orgies, and Growing Up

Finally, Entourage returned for the summer last night. HBO is obviously gunning for a big Sunday night with True Blood, Hung, and Entourage. Hung, I'm still undecided about, as it's got this annoying habit of starting at the end and flashing back to reveal each episode. I don't mind non-linear storytelling, as long it's done well. (Pulp Fiction) But it can also be a shortcut to try and keep the click-happy viewing public engaged by putting the climax upfront and then making us sit through the build-up. The problem with this trick, when it's done repeatedly, is that it's needed only if the episodes are consistently THAT boring in the build-up. Also, the "hook" or climax had better be good enough to keep me watching to see what caused it, and I'm not sure Hung is doing that. But it's happily (and luckily) sandwiched between Blood and the boys, and not only is Thomas Jane still cute, but Jane Adams is interesting, so I may as well give it a shot. I just hope it doesn't become a chore, the way that Weeds and Nurse Jackie feel.

Those two shows are definitely living off audience goodwill. Weeds at least culled its own goodwill with a few very funny seasons, but Jackie is leaching off the goodwill of Edie Falco and The Sopranos -- and neither show is delivering.

Entourage, of course, has built up gallons of good will over the seasons, and it has cemented itself as a thing of summer. The first episode wasn't bad, but it did coast a bit. There were a few funny bits, and they've thrown down the gauntlet for the season, as the whole first episode was hinting at the end of this protracted adolescence for the guys. Drama was hard at work, Turtle was in a good relationship, E was managing his now successful company and thinking of moving out on his own, and even Vinny took a huge step toward independence by finally getting his driver's license. As if that's not enough, Lloyd is finally making his stand and demanding Ari consider promoting him. I remember high school graduation, and how bittersweet it all was, because while everything was good and it was exciting to commence onto bigger and better things, it was also sad because I knew nothing would ever be like high school again. Friends would drift apart and move away, and we'd start doing things instead of fucking around at the beach for days on end. Seeing Vince come home to his empty house was a bit sad, like going home after the prom. He's back on top in the town, but here he was, all alone. Luckily, they didn't play this heavy-handed, as it IS Entourage and it wisely knows its place as a COMEDY. And I assume we can sidestep the sad thing of friends drifting off, considering this season's tagline is simply "life changes. friends don't."

Even luckier, True Blood also knows its place, particularly in the most recent episode written by Alan Ball himself. It's not a drama, it's not a horror show, it's not a comedy. It's all those things. Admittedly, the horror barometer dropped this episode. In fact, I don't think I had to turn away from the screen due to squick factor even once. But the comedy was high and Ball got the ball really rolling.

Prepare yourself, because the following sentence is one that I never thought I'd type, and you probably didn't either. I'm really a little sick of the orgy scenes. Gah! Can you believe it? A little part of me actually died at having to type that! But that's how good Blood is overall. Unlike Hung, which has been using the jumbled timeline to build more interest, Blood has been exquisitely good at keeping each episode ended on a cliffhanger, picking up the next one at exactly that spot, and then keeping the tension/action superbly taut. But for three episodes in a row, we've gotten prolonged orgy scenes, and they were really starting to weigh things down because it just wasn't new. FINALLY this episode we got not only the orgy, but an epic sex scene between Tara and Eggs as that crazy vibrating bitch finally revealed something new, too. And, instead of just sex and dancing in a Matrix 2 rave-like manner, this time the orgy goers started doing face plants in plates of sandwiches and eating dirt. I can give that a thumbs up.

Something else I give a thumbs up? Whoever does the makeup and lighting on this show is top notch. I mean, I know we're dealing with pretty girls to start with. And they've always used the lighting in an almost film noir way in this show. But all I know is this -- if any female is asked to appear on this show, she should say yes immediately, because they are going to make her look supernaturally beautiful.


I've had enough of the crappy curls on Sookie so far this year. It's made her look a little over-made-up, but I did love the hell out of her fancy yellow traveling outfit this week. So Sookie.

But it was the boys who stole the show. From LaFayette's regenerated libido-laced dance to Jason Stackhouse laying down the ultimate in idiot logic at church camp. When his nemesis tries to end the hilarious discussion about who the first biblical vampire was by simply saying, "All I know is that you can count on God to make sure evil gets punished," Jason was able to shut him up with this gem: "Oh yeah? Then how do you explain Europe?" So beautifully Jason Stackhouse.

And, finally, I have to succumb to Vampire Bill. From threatening sweet Hoyt with "Are you going to leave or do I have to throw you out? Of a window! That is closed!" To slyly telling Sookie, "I am a vampire. I am supposed to be tormented." I have finally come around to Stephen Moyer's deadpan deliveries and lack of contractions. He, more than anyone else, cracks me up. He had me last year with his damn Frescas for guests, but this year I'm getting quite a charge out of him. Maybe it's because he's the resident "Johnny Drama" of the show, constantly beleaguered, always played the bitch by Eric and Jessica and whoever else. But he has this strange delivery that I guess maybe only the Brits can master, cause he really does remind me a bit of Cary Grant when he says offhanded shit like, "I will need your credit card number" and it cracks me up. Well, you know, if Cary Grant was painted in white chalk, wearing fangs, and was a Louisiana southern gentleman-come-deadly predator. And I love when people call him "Vampire Bill" instead of just Bill. And this episode, Ball wrote him the best lines to bring out his wry humor while still sticking it to him at every opportunity. Him trying to navigate the tutelage of his young progeny Jessica is just comic gold, as is watching her struggle to not only grow up, but grow into her new life, er, or, undeath.

I am just so glad the holiday is over and we get our Sunday nights now. Of course, I'll probably pitch a fit once Labor Day rolls around. Not just because it is a bittersweet time -- both fun with the big picnics and parties and fireworks (though probably no orgies at casa DiPlacido -- probably), but also sad because it is calling an end to the fun of summer, but mostly because it will once again interrupt my addiction, and I'm just not grown up enough to handle it.

Summer Reading

The new issue of Eclectica is live, and it features a great interview with Ellen Meister and Saralee Rosenberg about the creative/writing process. It also features a great new story by William Reese Hamilton.

I am also interviewed by the talented Ashley Lister in the newest issue of ERWA. I truly feel for people who have to interview me, as I am a terrible combination of utterly boring, and unreasonably aloof. But Ashley asked great questions which made it easy to oblige.

Also over at ERWA, you'll find Donna George Storey's latest column, which is perfect for summer, as it features picnics and porn. Enjoy "Naked Lunch" with Donna.

Last but most certainly not least, I've been reading the new book by Ron Currie, Jr., Everything Matters! I only started it two days ago, but I'll be finishing it up tonight, which is a little sad. (I get sad when something I'm loving comes to an end.) As for finishing it so quickly, well, I think we all know how I can get a bit obsessed when I'm given some good material. This book is no exception. It's not genre that I usually slip into for summer, but it grabbed me from the start with the strong premise. While still in utero, Junior Thibodeau starts getting introductory messages from a strange voice. Though the voice is rather cheery and informative, it also drops the major buzzkill on him that the earth will be destroyed by a comet when Junior is 36. It then takes an unusual -- and very ambitious -- direction by placing chapters in the various family members' perspectives. Junior's mother, father, and brother advance the time and story, along with splices of The Voice. So far, it's quirky and endearing while being shaded with darkness. Too dark and not nearly whimsical or quirky enough to be like a Tom Robbins tale, though the message part is reminiscent of some of his stuff. Overall it's much more in style and tone to Vonnegut, and there's just nothing wrong with that. So if you're looking for summer reading with a little bit more protein than the usual junk food fare, consider checking it out. I think you'll find yourself engrossed and glad you picked it up.

Addicted to Blood

I'm a little miffed at HBO. When you create shows that are the viewing equivalent of crack cocaine, it is my opinion that you must then deal responsibly with this commodity. I understand that next weekend is the prime party/holiday of summer, but the fireworks are going to have slightly less sparkle this year because I'll know it's because of the festivities that my dealer has blocked my access to my addiction. Which is to say, only three incredibly engrossing episodes into the season, HBO is going to make us sanguephiles wait for two weeks for another new episode. Fuckers. Fuckers!

Last night, they debuted the new comedy they're going to pair with Entourage, Hung. And, yes, it's about exactly what it sounds like. The titular character is played by Thomas Jane, who's always been about an 11 out of 10 on the cuteness meter, and I think he'll be able to hold this series down and keep me interested.


That expectation comes with a big caveat, though. From the overly-long pilot, I already got the feeling that this new "comedy" was going to jump into the new "dramedy" genre, much like the once-great Weeds. But the proliferation of this genre has lately started to strike me much like a lot of "literary fiction" that I read. After a short while, it starts to ramble along without much forward thrust, or the ability to keep each episode contained, and it ends up becoming a bit of a mess -- a drama that's not very dramatic, or comedy that just isn't all that funny. I'm sick of shit like that. I'm so sick to death of Weeds and Nancy fucking Botwin, and already the potential of Nurse Jackie seems to be flaming out after just a few episodes, mostly because they're walking that line and without the comedy, it just doesn't work for me. (In neither case, by the way, do I blame the lead actresses -- Edie Falco and Mary Louise Parker -- because they both have shown fine comic chops, but the writers just seem to not be up to the task of bringing the goods.

So, I hope that Hung mines its man-whore premise for all it's worth and that it can, uh, measure up to the comic bent of Entourage. Easily one of the best shows on TV for the first couple seasons, Entourage gets both praised and dissed -- and justly so on both counts -- because they've got both Piven and the startling funny and awesome Kevin Dillon keeping it rolling.


But it does, admittedly, suffer from a rather high douchey quotient at times. Last season, Entourage was ahead of the curve with the economic downturn as Vince struggled to stay saleable in Hollywood, failed, went broke, and then went home. And, for the second time, he revealed himself to be a real asshole when things don't roll his way, and E paid the price and absorbed his wrath. It pissed me off, because it finally made me root for E. But, all in all, maybe it was a good thing. E finally has me on his side, and I can forgive Vinny, and from all previews, it appears as though the boys are once again riding high in Hollywood when they return in just two weeks. Now, if only this would be an indicator of a global turnaround, things would be perfect.

But it is, even more than the return of the boys of summer, the return of True Blood after the holiday that I'll be most interested in. Salivating for, actually. Much like how E finally made the transformation last season, True Blood's writers did a quick arc with one of their newer characters to make her riveting. The young Deborah Ann Woll made her first appearance as Jessica near the end of last season when Bill was forced to "make" her. She was nearly heartbreaking in her terror, and then unexpectedly hilarious once she realized her new power. But that quickly devolved into annoying brattiness that was just too much to take, for both super-Vampire Eric, and for me, as the audience. But they've very quickly given her a powerful arc and Deborah's pulled it off beautifully, culminating last night in one of the sweetest and awkwardly sexy scenes Blood has given us yet. Another part of the thanks for those scenes and this new story playing so well goes to the affable likability factor of Jim Parrack's Hoyt Fortenberry, which is off the charts.

By the very nature of the show, where seemingly main characters get murdered, dismembered, or simply exsanguinated regularly, they're going to have to fall into the bad routine of bringing in "red shirts," or, like any team going for a championship, they're going to have depend quite a bit on their bench. And, luckily for them, they casted strongly and must've had a multiple season arc in mind, because Hoyt is a great example of a seemingly background guy coming off the bench and scoring right away. All last year, he was a sweet-natured pal of Jason's who simply lamented his loneliness. He had a few cute throwaway scenes that all fell into place when young Jessica strolled into Merlotte's with a striking combination of innocence and predatory beauty. Hoyt was, naturally, enchanted. Watching these two awkwardly flirt was both charming and charged -- the perfect mix of dreamy and danger that this show thrives on. Not to mention that Hoyt, along with Eric, does tons to raise the "good looking" quotient on the show.


And Eric continues to delight with his terrible beauty, and his loyal Pam is just simply a scream every week. But another "bench" player, Ginger at Fangtasia, has been the quintessential scream queen for a couple weeks running now. She shoots Lafayette, and SHE erupts into hysterical screeches.


This week it was Sookie who got her to unleash her shriek, but it was just as funny. I can't wait to see what makes her scream next. That's the shit that just makes this show rock.

I do have to say that I'm not fully engaged with Jason or Tara so far this season. I've had about enough of Tara being happy and nice with Eggs. He, too, has been thrown into the "shirtless" brigade, and with good reason, because old Eggs has a bod so hot you could fry bacon it. But he needs to do something about now other than just walk around shirtless. Given that he's living with crazy-ass Bachanalian Maryann, I suspect he'll be doing something soon. And poor clueless Jason falling into that cult -- I swear I can see where this is leading, and I don't like that much, because all this show ever does is surprise me, so hopefully I'm wrong.

Much like these half-hour shows that have an identity crisis regarding their genre, I still don't know how to pigeonhole True Blood. It's horror -- and often gorily so; it's comedy and it's a bit of melodrama; sometimes it's romance, and a whole bunch of sexy, too. Much like the beverage it's named after, it's a weird, synthetic mix that's probably not everyone's taste, but for those who do crave it, it's nearly essential. And now it's two weeks until we get more of it. There. Right there. That's something to make Ginger scream bloody murder.

Waxing Eloquent

If you're too faint of heart to follow True Blood, then this new essay by Donna George Storey may not be for you. She tells us all about her first experience getting a Brazilian wax. She says it was for research. I say that's definitely suffering for your art!

X in Audio!

This is pretty cool news. I was lucky enough to have a short story included in Susie Bright's awesome, lovingly and sensually created erotica collection, X: The Erotic Treasury. It's a really gorgeous, cloth covered book with a slipcover and all, and it's stuffed full of excellent stories. Because of its glam looks, it makes a great gift or bedside keepsake.


BUT! I just found out that if you want to check out the stories in a little more economical manner, it's also now in in Kindle edition for $15.39.

BUT! Even cooler, it's just been made into an audiobook! I've never heard anyone read my work, so this is just terribly exciting. I'm downloading it right now. (also, it's actual PROOF to me that someone other than a friend HAS read one of my stories now!) I'm going to listen to mine before the replay of True Blood tonight! (And crikey, could SOMEONE who watches True Blood PLEASE freaking visit this blog to appreciate the work I put into that damn game and giggle at some of the jokes! Work with me here, fangbangers!)

Oh, back to X, though. The audio-book is now available! Right here! X audiobook!

True Blood Drinking Game

Now, as you may know, when I find a show that really trips my triggers, I don't just watch it. I enjoy watching it. Volume up, phone off, and plenty of cocktails flowing. And if you have a few pals around who also enjoy the show, and cocktails, it can eventually lead the formation of a drinking game. Now, of course, you can take a crack at this with your choice of beverage, either beer of your choice, a vodka martini (three parts vodka and no parts vermouth) or Tru Blood (two parts B positive with one part O negative sounds about right). But whatever your choice of beverage, I'd suggest that unless you're wired like Maryann seems to be, you may want to pick one character and just drink according to his/her prompts instead of trying to tackle every rule, all the time. (The way I do.) Also, if any other fangbangers out there have any ideas to add to this list, let me know and I'll update it so we can all get snockered on Sundays (and repeat Tuesdays) together.

JASON STACKHOUSE
Jason is shirtless -- drink
Jason is obviously gratuitously shirtless -- drink two
Jason is screwing someone -- drink
Jason thinks he killed someone -- drink
Jason gets insulted by Andy -- drink
Jason lacks a comeback for Andy -- drink
Jason manages a comeback to Andy -- Celebrate! Keep on drinking!
Jason does something outrageously stupid and macho -- drink
Jason gets manipulated by someone -- drink

TARA
Tara cussed someone out -- drink
Tara bitches about her mom -- drink
Tara bitches at her mom -- drink twice
Tara is nice to her mom -- Keep on drinking and cuss Tara out.

BILL
Bill does something dorky -- drink
Bill does something old-fashioned -- drink and offer any guests a Fresca.
Bill says "Sook-ay" and sounds like Elvis as he does -- drink twice
Bill glamours someone -- drink
Bill shows skin -- drink
Bill shows fang -- drink twice and remember to recycle the bottle.
Bill sinks fang into Sookie -- keep on drinking

SAM MERLOTTE
Sam pines for Sookie -- drink
Sam pines for Tara -- drink
Sam gets Tara -- drink twice
Sam gets Sookie -- keep on drinking!
Sam gets yelled at by Sookie -- sulk and drink
Sam gets yelled at by Tara -- drink
Sam gets yelled at by any female -- drink
Sam changes to the dog -- drink
Dog changes back to Sam and we get a skin shot of Sam -- drink twice and say "He's no Jason, but he's alright."

LAFAYETTE
Lafayette wears lipstick/nail polish or some sort of makeup -- drink
Lafayette flirts with a girl -- drink
Lafayette flirts with a guy -- drink twice
Lafayette flirts with a VAMPIRE -- drink
Lafayette trusts Jason -- drink
Lafayette gets screwed by Jason -- drink twice
Lafayette shows skin -- drink
Lafayette puts someone in their place -- drink and call your friend a hooker.

SOOKIE
Sookie yells at Sam -- drink
Sookie yells at Bill -- drink
Sookie gives some love to Sam -- drink twice
Sookie gives it up to Bill -- drink twice
Sookie gives Bill neck -- keep on drinking and take your B12 vitamin
Sookie avoids being glamoured -- drink
Sookie hears someone's thoughts -- drink and resist the urge to adjust your surrond sound
Sookie wears short-shorts -- drink
Sookie shows ample flesh -- keep on drinking and say "I guess it's been a long time since "The Piano" but it's still a little weird."

GROUP DRINKS
TERRY BELLEFLEUR does something endearingly kooky -- drink
ANDY BELLEFLEUR gets pissed at not being taken seriously -- drink
JESSICA compares BILL unfavorably to ERIC -- drink and say "Amen."
Anyone compares BILL unfavorably to ERIC -- drink twice
ERIC does something to trump BILL -- drink
ANY VAMPIRE does something to trump BILL -- drink
BILL gets the upper hand with ANY VAMPIRE -- drink twice
PAM wears dominatrix garb -- drink
PAM wears a sweater-outfit -- drink twice
Any VAMPIRE gets staked -- drink
Any VAMPIRE gets staked and explodes on a human -- drink and put on some silver jewelry
Anyone does V -- toast and drink
ARLENE whines to Sam about work -- drink
Any random gratuitous sex scene -- drink and praise HBO
Any random gratuitous blood scene -- take a big chug of the Tru Blood and praise HBO
MARYANN's pig shows up -- drink and have some bacon as a snack
MARYANN does that shiver thing -- drink
ANYONE says "FANGBANGER" -- toast and drink
ANY sort of NEW FUCKED UP THING appears -- Keep on drinking and praise Charlaine Harris
ANY character suffers some sort of humiliation that's funny -- Keep on drinking and praise Alan Ball

Summer Reading

Do you like to while away lazy summer days reading a good, page-turning book? If you're like me, you could let the day slip into sunset if you're engrossed, and so here's a book that can get you hooked. Now in Kindle format, it's a great time to check out Donald Capone's Into the Sunset.


This book is perfect for a lazy beach day. It's funny, got a snappy plot, and a main character you root for -- not to mention some randy love scenes. And now, on sale for just $2.39, it's a perfect bargain, too!

Fangtastic!

And in the battle of premium networks, it only took one episode of True Blood for HBO to, uh, take a big bite out of Showtime. From Vampire Bill's explaining that his household recycles to Detective Bellefluer investigating drunk, to Eric's foil highlights, Alan Ball takes the addictive-as-crack books by Charlaine Harris and makes this the most entertaining show of the summer. Pure, bloody fun. You know you're in for some good shit when the pre-show warnings are a full page long and start off with "strong sexual content, graphic violence, nudity" and just keep going from there. But Ball makes the most of all that skin and blood and mines it for first rate chills and laughs.

In case you can't get enough from the show, Harris just released book nine in the series:
Dead and Gone


And one of my main complaints from last year was that I just wish the guys were more attractive. I've got no problem with the chicks, as Anna Paquin is both dollbaby darling and undoubtedly fierce as Sookie. In stark contrast to the grotesquely weak female in the "Twilight" series, Sookie is both sexy and strong. If it weren't so graphic, she would be an ideal role model for teenage girls. And now we've got Michelle Forbes added to the cast, looking luminous and acting like a crazy fucking freak. It's awesome!

As for the guys, although Ryan Kwanten's abs don't do anything for me, and Vampire Bill just doesn't trip my triggers, I have high hopes for Eric this year. His gangly hair turned me off last year, but after watching Alexander Skarsgard in the most truly excellent Generation Kill (and that's serious good, people, not the camp entertainment I'm talking about here), I have to admit that I got more than warmed up to the towering Swede. Given the looks of the new promo posters, and after seeing the mayhem that befell Skarsgard's Eric while getting his highlights retouched, I think we're in for an upgraded look for him this year.


Much more...tasteful look for him.

Summer on HBO is gonna suck -- in the best way!

Edie Gets Her Man

Summer is the time of year that premium networks HBO and Showtime really take the opportunity to kick the everloving shit out of network television programming, and it looks like this year will be no exception. This week, that loony Nancy Botwin returned for another season of Weeds on Showtime, but it looks like they've found a winner to back it up, too. Edie Falco returns to series tv in Nurse Jackie, and based on the pilot ep, there's going to be plenty to love here.


Oxycontin lovin' Nurse Jackie already had a tarantinoish escapade with a dismembered ear which endeared her to me, but her supporting cast gives me fits of giggles, too. There's Peter Facinelli, and really, with him, what's not like? But they've also given him a bizarre quirk that's just delightful. But the best piece of casting? Midway through the episode, we see Nurse Jackie getting it on with a doctor, and that doctor is played by Paul Schulze. Not an HBO geek like me? Well, first, Edie and Paul had nearly adjoining lockers way back in 1997 on HBO's debut (and dearly departed) prison drama Oz, where they both played guards. Alas, back then, she was too busy evading Scott Ross and screwing McManus to be hooking up with Schulze. But then, the BIG lustfest set in between the two of them just two years later when she took up residence at HBO as Carmella Soprano and skirted sacrilege when she nearly got it on with Father Intintola -- again played by Schulze. Their romance ended up consisting of only one night of steamy sacraments when Intintola gave Carm communion by feeding her the eucharist. And no, that's not some tacky euphemism -- she literally ate the bread and nothing else. But now, finally, it just took a move to Showtime and the banging begins! Go get him, Edie!

Round one goes to Showtime.

Rebel Stories on Kindle

Kindle and Kindle Ap users, have I got a deal for you. Two short story collections from Rebel Press are now available, at great prices, on Kindle.

Donald Capone's Stories from Sunset Hill is now available for just $.80.

And my collection of short stories, American Cool, is now available for just $.99.

Murder with Boston Jonson by Biff Mitchell

One of my favorite things about being a writer is getting to know, and getting to know the work of, other writers. One of my favorite writers -- as a person, and for his work -- is Biff Mitchell. He's written two of my favorite books, Team Player and The War Bug, and now I see that he's got a recurring character going. Picture Sam Spade crossed with Magnum PI, toss in a dash of Robert Pirsig. (Let's see how many google that last refernce.) Or, maybe better put, imagine if Tom Robbins was co-writing with Raymond Chandler. The result would be Mitchell's Boston Jonson -- a sort of pre-CSI guy set in the future, cracking cases in his debut novella, Murder by Art and then in his full-length novel, Murder by Burger.


I just gobbled down Burger and give it my full stamp of approval. It was fast, fun, clever, and quirky. It takes the well-loved, and well-worn, PI formula and puts some great new spice into the sandwich.

ShatterColors

ShatterColors has a new interview up with me, where I talk about some of my juvenile delinquency.

Friends

I am really not doing much these days. I don't mean to lapse into silence here, but I just don't have much to talk about. My beloved boys of summer return for a new season of Entourage in a couple weeks, along with a fresh batch of True Blood and Edie Falco's new series, Nurse Jackie. Maybe that'll give me something to talk about. I'm already deeply missing my local movie theater, which closed down just after Christmas. I used to go to a movie at least once a week, and now, suddenly, I can't even see the new Terminator. Sucks.

But, luckily, some of my friends have been more industrious than I. So let's talk about them.

Donald Capone has a review of a story up at Five Star Literary Stories. Both the original story ("AAA" by Jo Page) and the review are excellent.

Donna George Storey is hosting a virtual "Spicy Sunday Blog Tour" -- and that spice means recipes full of spices, along with the added spice of sex talk. Good hostess, she is. (See that? I'm deprived of new movies/material and I already fall back into hack yoda talk. Fuck!)

Robert Scott Leyse has had his debut novel released. Liasons for Laughs: Angie & Ella's Summer of Delirium is an erotic romp that's perfect for beach days or poolside reading, or, even better, reading in bed on a humid night, maybe aloud with a friend (or gondolier) nearby.

Huh.

Well, that's weird isn't it? That whatshisface beat Adam tonight?

I don't begrudge him, he's a nice guy. Cool, it seems. It just seems...odd. That he sang with Keith Urban and it was pleasant and all, and then Adam comes out and literally sets the stage on fire with KISS. I thought Janice Dickinson being there was oddly cute. Then Steve Martin. And then, the winner is...WHATSHISFACE!! WHOOO!

Just odd. To me at least. I did not expect that at all.

One Winner

Perhaps after the results I'll have something more eloquent, witty, or insightful to say. But for now, Adam rocks. That's all.

Slash and Burn

I'm gonna assume that if you watched and listend to Idol tonight, you REALLY don't need me to point out who Slashed it up for Rock Week and who just burned out. But since I'm a master of the obvious, I'll go ahead and be as subtle as a sledgehammer nailing it home.

In my high school years and a bit beyond, I had the good fortune of being pals with a dude who had an amazing set of pipes. So we'd have a grand time going out to watch him and his bands play the local bars. One of the things we'd love is when he'd break out the Robert Plant and do it justice. Everyone was playing Led Zeppelin in the bars, but only this guy could really hit those notes and kill it and bring the house down. It made you want to get nuts and maybe even go a little GGW (in a youthful, innocent way, without the nasty Joe Francis connotations) and flash the stage in appreciation. Just, you know -- rock out!

SLASH

Tonight, if Adam Lambert didn't make you at least want to flash the rock sign and yell "WHOO!" back at him, then you're either dead, deaf, or just plain dumb. "Whole Lotta Love" was missing the Bonham-bashing drums and Jimmy Page slide, and maybe those obscenely tight dungarees that Plant wore in "Song Remains the Same," but the wild vocal range remains the same as Adam gave this song a whole lotta Lambert. If I was in the "mosh pit" right then, and if the bloom of my rose hadn't already wilted enough to require Playtex support, and if it wasn't for that advanced age of mine which would've made the whole thing sickly-scuzzy instead of just silly and sleazy, I'd have climbed up on Cowell's shoulders and flashed the fucker in appreciation for that performance. I would've! But I am, admittedly, older and I don't act like that anymore. But I did give the devil sign and stick out my tongue, just as Adam did when they were giving out his number.


Sweet Child o' Mine
Allison, also, managed to Slash it up. He steered her right in her choice of "Cry Baby," even if the idiot judges didn't get it. She didn't top Adam, but she sure as shit didn't make the whole Rock Week seem silly and didn't make the presence and mentoring of Slash seem even more preposterous. Girl should stay.

And their duet? Last year, Carly and Michael Johns started this duet trend during the finale show with "The Letter." But A&A raised the bar with "Slow Ride" -- having fun and complementing each other and just making the whole thing seem...cool.

BURN

While he was pretty gracious in letting Kris play his guitar, it was a nice symbolic signal of things to come when Slash then repossessed his guitar, telling Kris he couldn't keep it. Understandable. In all fairness, Kris's version of "Come Together" wasn't really bad. In fact, it was better than I thought it'd be and I kinda liked it. Nevertheless, if it was a live show in a bar like in my wayward youth? I wouldn't have hesitated to use the opportunity to go buy a beer or even stop in the bathroom and tuck my boobs back in my shirt.

This performance was prefaced with the Kris and Danny duet of "Renegade." (The Styx song, not Eminem's. Idol got a little cooler tonight, but let's not get nuts with it, after all.) This was...not very good. They harmonized nicely, but they're not Crosby, Stills & Nash. And it was just sort of lame -- the kind of thing that makes rock fans flinch when they think of rock songs being performed on American Idol. But I don't blame Slash that it wasn't Velvet Revolver so much as Velveeta Revolver.

Fall to Pieces

But, luckily for fans of disaster, the flinch-worthy followed by the forgettable was then followed by the always anticipated train wreck. Back to my misspent youth for a minute. Back when Dude was still doing bars, he'd do covers other than Zep sometimes, and mostly it'd be Aerosmith. And that's cause he could pull off "Dream On." I mean, he would shatter that shit. But there'd always be other bands around with singers who couldn't handle that song but they'd try it anyhow. Instead of making me want to go nuts in the good way and flash them, it'd make me flash them the finger.

Now, granted, I have a slight predisposition against Hokey Gokey anyhow. But COME ON! That was so bad that it made me sit up and listen just so I could take it all in. I knew it was coming. Slash tried to play coy about it, saying that it all depended on the moment when he performed, but he said it with a smirk that was literally tongue-in-cheek and so I just knew it was coming.


I knew it was coming anyhow because, come on, I admit, Danny can sing, but not like THAT. So it cracked me up that he was clueless enough to try it in the first place, and then the execution was just so EXACTLY what rock fans despise about American Idol -- and what fans of American Idol who have an appetite for destruction love about the show. The whole thing sucked, starting with the stupid vest and ending with that screech that I haven't heard the likes of since Janet Leigh met Anthony Perkins in a shower. Christ in a cracker, that was an earful! That should provoke more sanctimonious outrage from Tyler fans than Danny could've from the general public if he actually had busted out some Eminem.


Danny also takes home double-bonus points score for getting the outlandish reactions from the judges. Pauler had valiantly hung in there with him, standing up and shaking her arm at him until he overreached his first dream on, when she gave it up and sat down! Then, he got the Dumb-Dumb DioGuardi comment of the night when she told him he should be doing Aerosmith, but should be doing early Aerosmith like "Cryin'" and "Crazy." Only in clueless Kara's world does "Dream On" not pre-date "Cryin'" and "Crazy" by twenty years.

Nevertheless, even though Danny didn't show that song a whole lotta love, you can dream on if you think he might actually be going home. It's been a slow ride to the final three, but after tonight, I'm a little hopeful that Alison might pull through for one more week if the viewers come together and pull a renegade move and Kris has to be the cry baby and gets sent home. That was lame, I know it. But after that cheezy screech, I felt at liberty to wrap up in a slapdash manner. Because as Simon said, nothing was going to top Adam anyhow. (insert your own obvious sexual pun here if desired.) And, as usual, it didn't. He didn't make me young again, but he did remind me of what I loved about being young and rocking out, even if my tits have wisely gotten demure with age. (But they're still real, and they're still fabulous.)