Monday, July 20, 2009

True Blood Drinking Game Season Two Addendum

Okay, anytime someone mentions that Godric is two fucking thousand years old, don't drink. Vomit up everything you've been drinking. Seriously. Godric is 2,000 years old! Did you know that? Has Eric mentioned this to you? Ask him about it. He's sure to let you know that he's 1,000 years old, and that Godric is twice as old as he is, and twice as strong. So that means that Godric is 2,000 years old!

Now look, Alan Ball, I TRULY do appreciate all the shit this brings together on the show, what with Jason being "made" into a warrior by the radical Christians. You know, Christians, people who believe in Jesus, a guy who lived 2,000 years ago! And now, our resident super-Vamp, Eric, with all his seemingly feline disinterest, is all uppity because his 2,000 year old maker has been stolen by this church! But this all became anvilicious last week with all the repeated utterings of age. This week? Just ridiculous.

That said, I absolutely cracked up at Barry giving Sookie the smackdown about her being from some "burnt corncob of a town and hanging out with candy-assed vampires." Truly, the funniest yet reference to Dallas being rogue and all generally Texas in their 'tude, while also getting in the weekly jab about Vampire Bill being a lame-O. Poor fuckin' Bill. No longer just a dork, now also a candy-ass.

This week had to be the most boring episode ever of this show. It had been laughable that it had been overlooked by the Emmys for show/writing/acting categories, and yet I wasn't at all surprised. For as popular as this show was last year, it was hugely un-watercoolerish, in that no one was talking about it. I mean, I did, some. But I think most of us had the same guilt over it, so we'd huddle in our darkened rooms and drool over the episodes and then be embarrassed to talk about it, being as it is, after all, a freaking vampire show. It just sounds so silly. But then something happened after the season finale and viewers couldn't stand it anymore and started to make little asides until it built, and the anticipation over Lafayette's fate was too much to keep secret once the new season got close. Then, this summer, it just exploded the way a staked vampire can and suddenly it was a Bloodbath in the media and on the streets. But that was a little too little and a little too late for Emmy consideration, and the Emmys DO go with the flow of chatter instead of actually picking stuff up on their own. But then, sadly, after the noms were announced, instead of this episode making it seem ludicrous that it was left off the list, it just made the whole show seem ludicrous to any new viewers. I mean, seriously.

What the fuck? ZERO bloodshed and gore content. They totally ignored the murder mystery that opened the season. Even though it has obviously been back-burnered what with the 2,000 year old Godric problem, we could've at least had one shot of Andy working on it, or the pig problem. Worse, Bill and Sookie have hit "Schmoopy" territory with their relationship. THIS is exactly the shit that people are talking about when they call you a bitch, Bill!

Worse yet, at the end of the show, vibrating bitch Maryann shows up looking like she raided Big Love's Juniper Creek wardrobe department and Tara didn't say SHIT about it! I realize that Tara must be spellbound or something, but STILL. Without her saying, "Bitch, what are you wearing?" it just seemed even more bizarre.

Also? Whenever that once-unintentionally-creepy-assed-now-turned-hilarious-due-to-overexposure photo of Tara/Gran/Sookie appears onscreen -- DRINK. Oh my God, y'all. That thing has become so funny to me.

Not funny any longer? Eggs/Maryann/Carl. They now bore me. No orgy this week. Call me fickle, but I missed it. Just all of a sudden they're like displaced Katrina refugees, looking for someplace to live. You KNOW Sookie is gonna go total bitchcakes when she gets back and finds remnants of that damn party/orgy, but she will then lose her shit totally to find them camped out in Gran's room while she's stuck hearing Maryann's inner thoughts of chanting to Dionysus so she can grow talons. What horseshit. Also? Bill will be PISSED cuz Sooks will be pissed. And I just want to smash Eggs' stupid guitar over his head, playing lame-ass shit even John Mayer would think was pussy.

I'm also pissed that it's two weeks in a row with no Pam. That's what Sookie should do! When Tara drops the dime to Sookie about the un-fab trio hunking down at Chez Stackhouse, Sookie should make Eric get PAM to go over there to chaperone.

Another Drink add on? Whenever Sam has sex with an employee -- drink. I know we'll all be plastered, but it needs to be said at this point. I have never seen anyone so happy to dip his pen in the company ink. Or, in his case, I guess, dip his straw in the bar's mixed drink. Christ! (Or, er, Godric!) Someone please get this guy to a seminar about this kind of thing. Terry? Lafayette? Bueller? ANYONE!

On the upside, I'm sure next week will be a return to the gore and action and sick sex. (And no, that holy-water handjob Jason got doesn't count for this week. That was funny, alright, and weird, but )
Hardcore fans only for the next paragraph, cause I've got a major spoiler I can share with you:

A very reliable source has confirmed to me that it's true -- Godric is 2,000 years old! Shhhh, don't tell anyone, I think it's a secret!

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