Friday, August 07, 2009

Bite Me, HBO -- The Alexander Skarsgard Post

I want one. I will never have one. So I rent weekly. But I'm starting to get frustrated, feeling like my supplier is holding back on me.

What is that I want? My own Viking Vampire, as played by Swedish stud Alexander Skarsgard. Or, well, at this point, to be frank, I don't care if he's a Viking or a vampire. I just have a crush on Skarsgard. And, it's apparently not just me. The ratings numbers for True Blood are climbing each week, now officially making it the most watched cable show since The Sopranos. And yes, yes, we know it's because of Alan Ball's writing, Charlaine Harris's wacky world, all that addictive blood and violence, not to mention all the blatant sex. But, speaking of the sex, that's exactly why I'm getting a little miffed. Because the sex scenes are explicit. But they're keeping The Sex still under wraps. Which is my long-winded way of saying that it's about fucking time for Skarsgard to --at least -- take off his shirt, dammit!

I am paying really good money for HBO. And so far, this is the most they've delivered -- just one quick peek of Eric relaxing in a bathtub last season, with Bill (naturally, it has to be Bill fucking up our fun) barging in on him.

At this point in my crush, I have been diligently scouring the web (fuck you, it's so not cyberstalking, yet. Is it?), searching for all the Alex info possible, and let me tell you, in recent weeks, he is suddenly everywhere. I know I'm not the only one he's glamoured, and I'm also fairly certain that Ken Branagh is about ready to kick himself for passing on this 6'4" golden god for his upcoming movie Thor. As Eric would say: "Poorly played, Ken. Poorly played."

Alexander admits that quite often nowadays, when women see him in public, they ask him to bite their necks. And, god bless this boy, he claims he always happily obliges. Isn't that supposedly one of the primary body language signs of flirting, when a woman shows her neck? What a way to flirt so openly and play it off to his current role.

And talk about a flirt and a tease? Alexander has given several interviews lately talking about his views on nudity onscreen. Guess what? He's all for it! "I'm Scandinavian, dammit, we love to be naked! Nudity is great!" Also? It gets even better: He's ALL for it, doesn't even want a sock in the way!


And yet, eight episodes into the second season of this show, and the closest I can get to Valhalla is courtesy of Lady GaGa's "Paparazzi" video where she (wisely) makes out with him and at least gets his pants off.

I did, also, happen to find this charming clip from a Swedish film, but there's all sorts of fuckery about with subtitles which totally screw up the view.

Great Odin's Raven! This isn't a Bergman film! When there's soap and water and a naked Skarsgard, I really do not need a translation. At this point, I feel as though "cockblocking" is taking on a slightly different meaning.

I am not a valkyrie and will most certainly never have an Alexander Skarsgard of my own. But it's quite enough to just have him onscreen. But enough of this teasing, HBO! Every week you people contort yourselves and the plot to get Jason Stackhouse out of his shirt, and then you keep shoving Bill in my face all shirtless and trouser-less. Bill! Bite me with the naked Bill! Give me my premium cable money's worth, bitches! Skarsgard! Skin! SOON! I'm salivating here!

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