Inspirational Night

Ryan Seacrest and News Corp are going to save the world as long as we apathetic viewers get off our asses and dialdialdial for our favorite contestant on American Idol. It's nice. It really is. The company that profits over one billion dollars per season from Idol is going to donate 5 million (a half a percent of their commercial profits from the show) to starving kids.

It is quite nice, and quite lovely to see Simon Cowell tell volunteers that they're nice and give them a hug. In a dashing bit of British hyperbole, he also tells the volunteers that he's "never met anyone nice before." And back in the studio, Paula bristles at that comment.

What's utterly non-shocking about the films of the judges out on patrol about the poor sections of the world is how closely their demeanor matches their television personas. Paula showed up to a few places and looked clueless and disoriented. Randy showed up and told people it would all be alright, same as he tells crappy contestants that he'd produce their record. And Simon walks around saying it's all a disgrace. And the only one who can really talk to anyone and connect with them is Seacrest, which is precisely why he makes such a good TV host. He's not an obvious gasbag and even without a microphone he doesn't mind getting handsy and off his ass to walk around a bit and hand out plates of food.

The only troubling part about the whole shindig last night is that interspersed between shots of hell on earth and the most adorable starving child you'll ever see is that they then expected the contestants to rise to the challenge and entertain us and move us to chip in 10 lousy cents just by voting on a toll free number.

I'm not even inspired to give it a proper write up. So here's the lowdown if you missed the performances.

Chris Richardson did a tinny, bobby, bad-sounding, Timberlited version of Eric Clapton's "Change the World." I thought he blew and expected Simon to go off like Alec Baldwin disciplining a teenager, but he slobbered all over him, which made later proceedings all the more transparent.

Melinda was great as usual. Still no neck. She doesn't look surprised anymore, though. I have her earmarked for the shocking boot next week.

Blake sang John Lennon's "Imagine." It was lispy and wispy and though mostly on-key they salivated over him by saying it was "sincere."

LaKisha decided to sing yet another song by a former Idol winner. This time it was Fantasia's "I Believe." You know, one of the songs about rainbows and pots of gold and all that shit that makes everyone laugh so hard at the "winner" of AI every year for getting saddled with such an incredibly ridiculous schmaltzy song which most people would be embarrassed to death if they had to sing in public, and it's so bad that even the producers acknowledge the suckitude of the past songs so they've instituted the "write a song" contest for this year in hopes of finding something slightly better from the mass of American viewers as opposed to the "professionals" they usually rely on.

Anyhow, LaKisha was loud again, but it's now been decided that LaKisha loud is NOT the new good. So the judges ripped her and called her "shouty" and pretty much dismissed her. It's very clear they want her gone, going to such lengths to flatter Chris and diss her in unreasonable measure. It makes me sad. It makes me sad because LaKisha was my last hope for someone to unleash an inner-bitch as we were winding down here, but I guess she'll be booted before that can happen. Though it does remain a matter of some debate whether or not they'll dare kick someone off tonight to cap off their week of inspiration and hope.

So then Phil sang, and I got up and had a smoke! For real. Yeah yeah, he's got a nice a voice and he's a nice a guy and whatever. I'm not a Philphile though and to me he's just fucking creepy looking and canned and too theatrical and I don't care enough to even watch him. But I think he got a nice circle jerk in the reviews, too.

And then Jordin closed the show as the precious chosen one. And she was good and loud but her loud wasn't shouty, which means she's much more beautiful and likable and marketable than LaKisha. Granted, she was good. But the profuse gushing her performance garnered was nowhere close to realistic and the heavy hands of Nigel and Ken were clearly steering the reviews and commentary.

The whole affair didn't inspire me so much as guilt me into picking up the phone to vote. So I chipped in my 30 cents, and was really sorry all this didn't happen last year when I'd dialed my fingers bloody to save my cupcake and get Daughtry DKed. I could've saved a small village in Siera Leone singlehandedly. Fuck DeBeers! My Elliott love could've done it! But am I really supposed to phone frantically to save Blake? Pfft. I was mostly inspired to change the channel and see who got booted off DWTS. (the golddigger is gone!)