It was Latin night on Idol, with Jennifer Lopez as the coach. So, naturally, most of the girls decided to sing Gloria Estefan songs.
Poor J Lo. Here comes my disgusting admission for the week: I like Jennifer Lopez. I can't help it. Even when we were in the height of Bennifer hysteria, I still sort of liked her. I think she's got a charming presence and is a good comedic actress. I loved her in "Out of Sight" and ever since have wished she'd find roles that are up to her. Instead she gets stuck making an entire movie that's about her wearing a white coat and then lands a script that wastes an hour and a half of nastiness between her and Jane Fonda.
But as for her singing? Fuuuuck, man. It's pretty bad. It's so bad that it's appropriate she's a coach on this season of Idol. But that said, she was a hell of a lot more palatable in her interactions with the contestants than Stefani was. (I'll let it pass that she sat on a stool and made them grab wood on the floor when they first met.)
Naturally, LaKisha didn't want any singing tips from her, because as I've now realized, Kiki doesn't want singing tips from anyone. She knows she has talent. I now realize that LaKisha's calm and solemn expressions and demeanor aren't, as I'd previously thought, a liability to her personality. She's like a poker player who holds their cards very close, and that's a damn good thing, because I think she's overestimated the strength of her hand. The few little glimpses we see of her speaking candidly reveal a growing arrogance.
So all she wanted from J Lo was tips on how to move, so Jennifer obliged. Didn't help much, because KiKi sang "Conga" and she couldn't get really loud because all that movement knocked the wind out of her so it sort of sucked. Continuing in the Estefan love-fest was Jordin, who sang "The Rhythm is Gonna Get You" and it was highly mediocre. And Haley sang "Turn the Beat Around," and it was also blahish.
But what set Haley apart is that she again got the roughest criticism of the night. Simon told her she had a good tactic by wearing as little clothing as possible, because she has nothing else to offer. Now, listen. I'm not denying that she's addicted to showing off her legs.
But does she really deserve the intense nastiness she's been drawing from these judges? There has to be something going on behind the scenes that I'm not aware of. Because she doesn't come off like a bitch, and yet the judges's comments are now really getting out of whack with her performances. You want proof? Did you happen to miss their facial expressions when they were looking at her? I swear, I didn't have to search and freeze to capture this, because it was about a two second reaction shot from them when she said she appreciates all the judges:
They couldn't be collectively dripping more disdain if they'd just climbed out of a whirlpool filled with it. And yet here we are, smack in the middle of a season where it's obvious to even Marlee Matlin that most of the people up on stage simply can't sing very well, and yet these judges see fit to take all the aggravation for the slipping ratings out on Haley.
Frankly, at this point, it's a little bit of bullshit. They verbally felated Chris Richardson after he outright vocally abused "Smooth" and gave Blake high props for flattening the last drop of Latin out of "I Need to Know." Blake, he sounded alright, and his performance wasn't embarrassing, but was it really all that good? Fuck no! If it'd been any more white it would've been clear. That one-note, emotionless, dance-floor repetition of the title line sucked all the energy out of it. Sure, it's perfectly suited for mind-wrecked tweakers grinding it out at a club. But Blake does this to a lot of songs, and it's really not all that hip anymore. Don't get me wrong, I like Blake, because I think he's one of only two contestants this year who has any actual musicality and he is talented. But he hasn't been all that for a couple weeks now. Also, what am I supposed to say about that hat he was wearing? At this point in the competition, even Stevie Wonder knows that Blake dresses for shit.
What else? Oh yeah. Sanjaya got a haircut and got the coveted pimp spot. He'll be back next week. He sang "Besame Mucho." He gave an eyefuck to the camera that was so potent I wouldn't be shocked if my Tivo got knocked up from it.
And Melinda sang. She started off the show for Latin night coming out dressed like a 65 year old diva doing her grand comeback revival at Carnegie. J Lo told her to be sexy, which is sort of like telling a McDonald's hamburger to taste like kobi beef. She sang "Sway," and it was vocally competent, but was enough of a letdown that Simon was finally able to insult it, telling her that it was old and wooden. Melinda took it extremely well, but we now have a definitive bookmark for when the tides turned this season and Simon decided he'd better start lavishing the love on someone who can market more than Geritol.
I realize now that I've forgotten to talk about Phil. Just as well.
I know we're not due for the "shocking elimination" for a couple weeks yet, but I really hope it happens this week, because I'm just too bored.
Remember in a previous post where I mentioned that "Dancing with the Stars" was better than Idol this year? I take it back. Other than Joey Fatone, these people all suck, too. And I really resent a show that makes me simultaneously feel bad for and respect Billy Ray Cyrus. He sucks at dancing, but his cunty partner is so down about it alternately bitchy and morose to him that it's almost unbearable. Meanwhile he apologizes and tries even harder and it's all just something I never wanted to deal with.
In other Tuesday night TV news, if you're an ANTM fan, you should definitely check out this blog.