Wednesday, April 11, 2007

How do you Vote For the Worst when they all kinda suck?

It was Latin night on Idol, with Jennifer Lopez as the coach. So, naturally, most of the girls decided to sing Gloria Estefan songs.

Poor J Lo. Here comes my disgusting admission for the week: I like Jennifer Lopez. I can't help it. Even when we were in the height of Bennifer hysteria, I still sort of liked her. I think she's got a charming presence and is a good comedic actress. I loved her in "Out of Sight" and ever since have wished she'd find roles that are up to her. Instead she gets stuck making an entire movie that's about her wearing a white coat and then lands a script that wastes an hour and a half of nastiness between her and Jane Fonda.

But as for her singing? Fuuuuck, man. It's pretty bad. It's so bad that it's appropriate she's a coach on this season of Idol. But that said, she was a hell of a lot more palatable in her interactions with the contestants than Stefani was. (I'll let it pass that she sat on a stool and made them grab wood on the floor when they first met.)

Naturally, LaKisha didn't want any singing tips from her, because as I've now realized, Kiki doesn't want singing tips from anyone. She knows she has talent. I now realize that LaKisha's calm and solemn expressions and demeanor aren't, as I'd previously thought, a liability to her personality. She's like a poker player who holds their cards very close, and that's a damn good thing, because I think she's overestimated the strength of her hand. The few little glimpses we see of her speaking candidly reveal a growing arrogance.

So all she wanted from J Lo was tips on how to move, so Jennifer obliged. Didn't help much, because KiKi sang "Conga" and she couldn't get really loud because all that movement knocked the wind out of her so it sort of sucked. Continuing in the Estefan love-fest was Jordin, who sang "The Rhythm is Gonna Get You" and it was highly mediocre. And Haley sang "Turn the Beat Around," and it was also blahish.

But what set Haley apart is that she again got the roughest criticism of the night. Simon told her she had a good tactic by wearing as little clothing as possible, because she has nothing else to offer. Now, listen. I'm not denying that she's addicted to showing off her legs.

But does she really deserve the intense nastiness she's been drawing from these judges? There has to be something going on behind the scenes that I'm not aware of. Because she doesn't come off like a bitch, and yet the judges's comments are now really getting out of whack with her performances. You want proof? Did you happen to miss their facial expressions when they were looking at her? I swear, I didn't have to search and freeze to capture this, because it was about a two second reaction shot from them when she said she appreciates all the judges:

They couldn't be collectively dripping more disdain if they'd just climbed out of a whirlpool filled with it. And yet here we are, smack in the middle of a season where it's obvious to even Marlee Matlin that most of the people up on stage simply can't sing very well, and yet these judges see fit to take all the aggravation for the slipping ratings out on Haley.

Frankly, at this point, it's a little bit of bullshit. They verbally felated Chris Richardson after he outright vocally abused "Smooth" and gave Blake high props for flattening the last drop of Latin out of "I Need to Know." Blake, he sounded alright, and his performance wasn't embarrassing, but was it really all that good? Fuck no! If it'd been any more white it would've been clear. That one-note, emotionless, dance-floor repetition of the title line sucked all the energy out of it. Sure, it's perfectly suited for mind-wrecked tweakers grinding it out at a club. But Blake does this to a lot of songs, and it's really not all that hip anymore. Don't get me wrong, I like Blake, because I think he's one of only two contestants this year who has any actual musicality and he is talented. But he hasn't been all that for a couple weeks now. Also, what am I supposed to say about that hat he was wearing? At this point in the competition, even Stevie Wonder knows that Blake dresses for shit.

What else? Oh yeah. Sanjaya got a haircut and got the coveted pimp spot. He'll be back next week. He sang "Besame Mucho." He gave an eyefuck to the camera that was so potent I wouldn't be shocked if my Tivo got knocked up from it.

And Melinda sang. She started off the show for Latin night coming out dressed like a 65 year old diva doing her grand comeback revival at Carnegie. J Lo told her to be sexy, which is sort of like telling a McDonald's hamburger to taste like kobi beef. She sang "Sway," and it was vocally competent, but was enough of a letdown that Simon was finally able to insult it, telling her that it was old and wooden. Melinda took it extremely well, but we now have a definitive bookmark for when the tides turned this season and Simon decided he'd better start lavishing the love on someone who can market more than Geritol.

I realize now that I've forgotten to talk about Phil. Just as well.

I know we're not due for the "shocking elimination" for a couple weeks yet, but I really hope it happens this week, because I'm just too bored.


Remember in a previous post where I mentioned that "Dancing with the Stars" was better than Idol this year? I take it back. Other than Joey Fatone, these people all suck, too. And I really resent a show that makes me simultaneously feel bad for and respect Billy Ray Cyrus. He sucks at dancing, but his cunty partner is so down about it alternately bitchy and morose to him that it's almost unbearable. Meanwhile he apologizes and tries even harder and it's all just something I never wanted to deal with.


In other Tuesday night TV news, if you're an ANTM fan, you should definitely check out this blog.


mommycat said...

i just realized that sanjaya eyefucks the camera to other young boys! it's masterful, it's genius! he is my idol. this megalomaniac is so intensely full of himself it's making me whimper in the shadows of his all encompassing fuzztache. it's like he knows the 13 year old girls are under his spell, the milfs are eating him up and the boys and not so boys are cooking up nasty thoughts in the corner. and sanjaya is loving it! oh god, i finally understand him now.

i have to disagree on kiki. i just love her. her voice makes me cry. she is a diamond in the rough the way i think elliott was, clearly talented but you have to be careful they don't start leading her in the wrong direction such as the drag queen weaves and ridiculous dresses they've been putting her in. let her sang.

haley haley. i think she deserves all the attention, she clearly wants it. and sorry she cannot compete with sanjaya's "sexual" appeal because she's only trying to get the horny teen male vote. she knows she's subpar vocally and so she'll be trotting out those booty shorts for a while. i'm glad the judges are saying something about it.

that said, i agree about jennifer lopez. i've always liked her too. she was great in u-turn and interesting in the cell.

but this season is overall kinda boring. we need more attitude from the contestants? l

Don Capone said...

My prediction? Lakisha will be in the bottom 3 this week. She's had three bads weeks in a row now, with poor song choices. Conga? Could she have picked a more played out song?

The judges are on Haley because her attempt at getting votes is so blatant. I'd call her a straight-haired-ho, but I might get boycotted.

Standings: Jordin and Melinda, still neck and neck, with Lakisha a close third.

Myfanwy Collins said...

Once again, spot on. And I love this so much, Susan: He gave an eyefuck to the camera that was so potent I wouldn't be shocked if my Tivo got knocked up from it.

I really like Blake. I think he's the most interesting, but yeah, last night was an all around snooze.

Ellen said...

Hilarious recap. And spot on as always.

Have you ever noticed that the show ends with a tight shot of three people--Ryan, and whichever contestant is standing immediately to his right and left? I believe those slots are carefully chosen, as they're always occupied by the people who sucked the most but whom the judges don't want voted off. I think it's pretty clear that tonight is Haley or Phil's night to go, but Phil got the coveted spot next to Ryan last night, so Haley is OUT.

I think.

Anonymous said...

Well written. Insightful. Funny as hell. Sue, your reviews of Idol are more entertaining than the show. They keep me watching it so I'll know what you're talking about! ;)

your ever lovin' fan,

J. Scales

Alice said...

Yes, you're definitely more entertaining than the show this year! All the song choice sucked last night.

What DO they spray those girls with on Dancing w/the Stars?

Belated congrats on the new book!

Anonymous said...

I actually like Melinda. And I liked J-Lo, too, which frightened me. She seemed quite personable and normal.

I can't stand Jordin, though, and I'm starting to fear I'm the only one. She gasps for breath after every line, and she sings off-key a good 50% of the time. Add to that her air of "I'm Teh Awesome" and I want her gone. You're 17. Get over yourself.

Jean White said...

I found Melinda's reaction to her first criticism interesting. Simon's critique was mild; Melinda's humorous riposte was equally mild. However, I saw a nano second of annoyance. If her "gosh do you really like me" persona is real, wouldn't she take professional criticism to heart?

SusanD said...

mommy -- Kiki was dressed a little better last night, but you're right, overall, they're way overdoing her.

Don -- no luck on her being in the b3. Sigh.

Myfanwy -- I like Blake, too! And I'm willing to slide him some lackluster weeks. But I hope he picks it up again soon. Him having to do country week should be funny. (are they having country week this year?)

Ellen! I had not ever noticed that before about the placement next to Ryan! And you were RIGHT ON about that. So cute -- Ryan is the protector.

Aw, thanks, JS.

Alice -- Beautiful Cheryl Burke ws ORANGE as hell this week! Mystic Tan Mess.

Anon -- I can see your points about Jordin. I still think she's about the most "marketable" of the lot though.

Jean -- most excellent observation about Melinda's reaction.

Anita/wadahoot said...

>>What DO they spray those girls with on Dancing w/the Stars? <<

I loved the comment that Clyde the Glide made about getting ready in makeup on DWTS ... something to the effect that they may find 2 hairs that need pushed down on his head (he's bald), taking 30 seconds, he uses a tiny bit of eyeliner, and he skips the Mystic Tan (he's black)!
While the gals talked about being in makeup a full 4 hours!