Singing the Lord's Plays-es

Okay. So it was Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber night on Idol. Let me be blunt. He seems like a nice guy and I'm not trying to be insulting, it's just a simple fact that I've never heard any of his stuff. Never saw/heard Phantom or Cats or any of it. Wait a minute. I lost my train of thought, so can I start over?

Okay. So it was Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber night on Idol. Let me be blunt. Annoying, that repeated starting over shit, isn't it? Everyone let it slide when Brooke pulled it the first time on her own at the piano after just a couple of notes. But tonight, stopping the whole orchestra (which, in theory, stopping that fucking band is always a good idea) after already singing a couple of lines? It's like being trapped in Groundhog Day with her anymore. And she knows it, too. Now the funny lip-purse Debbie Downer face isn't saving its appearances for judgment time, it's coming out while she actually performs.


You know it's really hit the zenith of depressing when Paula can't even bother to tell you that you look beautiful in her consolation tone. This was the best she could muster.


Just utterly exasperated, she was. I suppose it didn't help matters that she'd just fox-trotted her way back to Fox after taking a spin in the audience of Dancing with the Stars last night. Paula really is a celeb-fraudience whore with no network loyalty, as I also recall her making an appearance on Rockstar a couple years back. This time, it's rumored that she's absolutely pining to be on DwtS, but they're shutting her out because of her professional skillz. Frankly, I was just glad to catch it last night, because that's the first I've watched that show this season, having pretty much just blown it off since it's missing Maks. But I've harbored a secret fantasy for a couple weeks now, thinking it would really jazz up both shows if we could have a judge-swap for one week. I would die to have Bruno and all his verbal flamboyance sitting next to Pauler for a round of Idol, and it'd be hilarious to see Simon and Len welly it up as they beat down the dancers.


But I digress. Perhaps I should start over?

Okay. So it was Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber night on Idol. They flew the kids out to Vegas and ensconced them to the single most grotesquely baroque setting on the entire Strip -- The Venetian. Just when you thought things couldn't get any more dramatically distasteful in that building, they went ahead and opened the "Phantom of the Opera" theater. Next, we drop this -- yes, seemingly very nice fellow -- who just happens to bear a striking resemblance to a Dr. Seuss doodle, into the mix to tutor these aspiring pop stars on how to sing Broadway show tunes.


It's all a blatant shame, coming entirely too late in the season, and it again filled me with rage and regret. Just when it seemed like the show was de-gaying itself this year and settling back into its average cheeze, along comes this week. And there's no Noriega or Hernandez or even Menard to be found. Stupid voters. But that's okay. Because we did have David Cook singing some song from "Phantom" that was the butchiest-gay thing I think we've ever had on this show.

Running a close second to gayest show moments? Though this one isn't butch-gay, it's denial-gay for now, they actually brought a gaggle of girls onstage to hug David Archuleta. His reaction fell between "aw shucks" and "ick girl-cooties" but was demonstrably closer to the latter.


Why'd they bring the girls onstage to hug him? Because they know they have to avoid having him touch the pit people of doom himself, because of the curse this year. How do we know who the show is actively rooting against? They actually stuck Jason Castro and poor Carly INTO the pit to be surrounded by the jackals.



Here's what I love about that second picture. How shitty is the lighting guy, or director, to have the other two girls brightly illuminated, and Carly sunk into the shadows, the way they usually keep her husband in their brief "reaction shots" of him from the audience. Or, perhaps, it's just piss-poor directing, kind of like these kinds of shots we constantly get, with the swaying arms obscuring everything.


Know what's going on in that picture up there? That's the crowd waving "buh-bye" to Brooke after she done fucked up yet again.

Anyhow, I've gone off track, again, so I guess I should talk about the performances a bit now. Let me just start over.

Okay. So it was Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber night on Idol. I don't know any of his songs, but I do know that I only liked Syesha's song-performance. She did "One Rock & Roll Too Many." I have a vague memory of actually going to see "Starlight Express" back when I was living in Vegas, so I guess I lied earlier when I said I'd never heard an ALW song. Then again, my memory is of going into the theater. There was some roller-skating going on about me, then some smoke, and then I passed out for the rest of the show. True story. So this was actually all new to me. Yeah, she got a little off-pitch several times, but overall, it was the only thing with a good beat that I could dance to.

Jason Castro? "Memory" from Cats and apparently this is a very famous song? It brought out the most laughably obvious quote from Paula yet this year when she told Jason that the song is usually associated with female power balladeers, which he is not. (another aside, I still stand by my previous assertion that Pauler is the only cogent judge this season. She still trips on her words, but her eyes focus 80% of the time and she's the only one offering actual critiques that are on the money. Simon has gone too far around the bend with agenda pushing and has lost credibility, even if he is still the crankiest.) Anyhow, Castro. Shit, it was pretty bad. I still like him. But I finally noticed just how much air he sucks in before each line and it kinda drove me crazy. Get him some Breathe Right strips or something.

Another one who sucks air like that? David A. His song was "Think of Me" and it made me think he's boring, but that's nothing new. Even though she sang it twice, I still don't recall what Brooke's song was. But Simon said she was "brave" and Paula commented on her "strength" and I have to call bullshit on that. If she was still technically a child and was sort of forced-guided into this life/competition by a parent/guardian who was also obviously marionetting her every move, I'd give her all sorts of leeway. *cough* But Brooke is an adult who chose to be on this show and claims to want to be an entertainer. And yet she's going origami worse each week. It's not brave to do something because you're contractually obligated. It'd be brave to do it if you didn't claim to want to and tried to put those desperate nerves aside. And she's failing miserably at that.

Failing a bit less? Carly. She did "Jesus Christ Superstar" and for the first time I didn't think her voice sounded very good, but she seemed into it and connected. I wish I liked her more as a performer, because week-by-week she's won me over with her pathetic personality. Being forced to admit she wore Spanx, gaining all that weight, and then somehow being able to take it off -- now that I respect. She's just so goofy and needy, and she completely lost her shit again tonight when she finally got some validation from Simon.


Fucking Fangs, man. Gotta love her, especially since they've damn near kicked off anyone else interesting.

And then Golden Boy Cook closed the show with the aforementioned "Music of the Night" from Phantom. Here's the disclaimer. I like Cook. I think he handles himself astonishingly well given all his circumstances. He's classy and confident and cool and has a decent voice. As I understand the basic plot of Phantom, and this song, it's about an ugly dude who pines for a pretty chick. That it in a nutshell? I know plenty of ladies who find this guy attractive. Suffice to say that if I'm understanding the meaning of the song, though, this fits him very well, thematically. Musically? I guess he couldn't youtube any pre-rocked versions of it by other bands so that he could "make it his own." But I guess it's hard to rock out to lyrics like "slowly, gently night unfurls its splendor/grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender." And as Simon said, so respectfully of ALW, that was the song he was stuck with. Notice how when Simon doesn't think the song fits and he dislikes someone, he rags on them for their song choice; but when it's his pet, they got "stuck" with it? But I guess it is fair to say that Cook got stuck with it. Why?

Okay. So it was Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber night on Idol.

It just keeps repeating,doesn't it? Like a bad dream you can't shake. Or a super-size Pepsi and spicy taco.