I Was All Wrong, But It's All Right

First, when did men in ascots become attractive to me?


Second, I was all wrong. When the season started, I welcomed Michael Johns to the show under the assumption he'd be great entertainment because I figured he'd be a typical swaggering, arrogant douche. Instead, while his performances had been lackluster, his demeanor was down-to-earth and sometimes even dorky, which I find endearing. Now, his performances are improving.

Last night, he did a Tom Jones-come-Stevie Ray Vaughn arrangement of Dolly's "It's All Wrong," that really shouldn't have worked, especially given the inferior skills of the guitarist. And yet, Michael sounded great and I loved it! Dolly, also, loved MJ. Like, loooved him. I'd make a joke about cougars if Michael wasn't so old as to not be inappropriate for her. After all, he attended a concert of hers back in '86, when he was probably about twenty-one. But I get her draw to him, because I loved him last night, too.

In the interest of fairness, however, I will put this out there. Mate needs to stop throwing so many shrimp on the barbie and start doing a few chin-ups on the eucalyptus tree, because not only is his personality cuddly as a koala, his body is rapidly getting there, too. Hey, I don't really care and I think he's still hot. But are we at least going to give him the pregnancy speculation that Carly had to go through?

Speaking of Fangs O'Flanigan, again, it just wasn't her night. She thought she bagged it with her stripped-down version of "Here You Come Again" but it then there went Simon's comment that it was just "good". The de-pimping of her lucky charms is a little strong even for me. Though I mostly agree with Simon, it still seems like there's some agenda at play here. Maybe to knock her down for an eventual great comeback? Or maybe they're just gunning for her. I thought her voice sounded great, even if the arrangement was cornier than Iowa in July. And then she just had to reach for that money note and show those unpleasant choppers.


But she's dressed like shit for, what, five or six weeks now, and last night, lacking much else to criticize, Simon took her to task for it. It should be noted, this was also the portion of the show where he defended his comments, saying he was only speaking for the viewers, and then we cut to commercial break, so you didn't get to see the paramedics as they rushed in to re-locate his shoulder which he'd thrown out of joint while patting himself on the back. True, Carly dressed for shit, and last night I really couldn't shake the impression that I was watching a self-impressed bitchy drag queen doing a Carly Smithson impersonation, especially with how she was so desperate to show off her voice instead of show off the song.

But by the time she had to literally bite her tongue to not react to Simon's comments, I actually felt sorry for her. And I hate having to feel sorry for fame-whores.


But Fangs's whole problem is that we stupidly sent home Chikezie, Amanda, and Mojito and kept Screamesha around. Carly's fighting to be the "big voice" this year, and yet, she can't really out-loud Syesha. In fact, the only thing Syesha shouts more loudly than the songs is "bitch," as evidenced when she had to react to Simon's under-praise of her rendition of "I Will Always Love You."


To her credit, she didn't melisma the shit out of the song, but I also suspect that's because she can't hit the high notes that Whitney did. I was nearly impressed when she kept it simple for the first verse, but then she just had to bust out the glory notes at the end. Long, they were. Loud, too. Also, a little boring.

But I'm hoping for some really excellent bitchy faces to keep dripping out of her over the next couple weeks, and I suspect that's going to happen, because I think the mosh pit claimed its next victim last night in Ramiele.


And, I think that's enough said about that performance. Speaking of boring performances, Kristy galloped her way through "Coat of Many Colors" and the only interesting things of note here were when Ryan noticed her French pedicure and Kristy once again reached into her blowing bag of tricks and sarcastically blew a kiss to Simon when he didn't love her performance.


It should be noted that this was one of the few hijinks of the night as they rushed to fit all nine performances into the hour slot, therefore lowering the overall entertainment value of the show down to a mediocre five. (9 to 5, I guess we can say.) Though Paula did go off the rails briefly, and this is notable for the fact that she got flippant and physical with Randy for a change.


Speaking of unusual choices, Brooke did the desperate, heart-on-your sleeve "Jolene" and this is how she looked while doing it:


As usual, she had her security blanket instrument with her, but what was unusual is that she must've had some free time this week and decided to attend the Constantine Center for Idols Who Don't Emote So Good where she practiced the end-all of eye-fucks, the Blue Steel.


Interesting choice for a Mormon. Speaking of Mormons, Farchie sang "Smokey Mountain Memories" and the judges creamed themselves and the mosh pit girls screamed like Brigham Fucking Young himself was going to take them all for his wives. Since it was Michael Johns's night, I'll sum up my reaction in his native vernacular. Evs.

But, speaking of non-traditional marriages, let's talk about Dolly. Now, I'm not a huge country fan, but I do like Dolly. I love her big boobs and big wigs and she always saved the day in that sapfest "Steel Magnolias" and has a successful open marriage. I admire all that. But it's also the "scared straight" portion of the season where the Idols have to come face-to-plastic with their future if they decide they, too, want to hold back the signs of time. They used the soft-filter on Dolly, but even an inch of Vaseline on the lens couldn't hide the exaggerated mask that used to be her pretty face.


Look, I'm not against a couple Botox shots or even a nip/tuck to prolong the narcissism. But when your Madame Tussaud's figure appears more realistic than you do, it's time to step off from the procedures. You know, you can age gracefully and still be hot. Look at Michael Johns! Old, and now getting fat, but still kicking the sexy!

Also kicking the goofy-sexy was Jason Castro. Also bringing out Dolly's cougar was Jason Castro, as she liked his "funky" looks. Also getting screwed by the judges was Jason Castro. He did "Travelin' Thru" and I thought it was pretty good. Simon had already used his quota of "busking" earlier in the show when talking about Brooke's performance, but he didn't care much for Jason's either.

So that leaves David Cook, who did "Little Sparrow." I don't know the song. I do know Ryan had the serious "chat" with David to help stop the internet backlash against his "originality" issues, and then Cook did his own arrangement of the song and it sounded like Cook's stuff sounds. It was good. He had a new haircut.


The haircut was good, actually. Still looks like Mr. Peanut to me. (I bet Trace Adkins wouldn't let this fucker within twenty feet of his food allergic kid, in fact.) Everyone loves him. I still like him fine. But he doesn't bring out my cougar. But that's okay, because this is about talent, right? And that's what still makes him all right.

But that arrogant asshole slot still needs filled. Right?