Wednesday, March 07, 2007

It's Not Me, It's Them

I was having trouble getting into this season of Idol, and for a while, I thought the problem was me. Like a jilted lover now on the rebound, maybe I was ready to window shop, but not quite buy. The merchandise all seemed okay at first glance, but nothing really caught my eye. Though I was loathe to admit it, maybe I was still harboring a deep crush on wallet chains, whispered boob jobs, bad teeth, and epileptic seizures. Though I rarely dared to invoke their names -- which fits quite nicely with the official theme of AI this season -- Taylor WHO? -- all their affectations still had my affections.

But last night puts that sad, forlorn theory to rest. Truly, it's not me. It's them. They suck. I can't fall in love, or even in like, with any of these himbos because they're crappy and boring.

Okay, okay, Blake is fine. I dig him doing the "All Mixed Up" and flashing his tats and beat boxing to some reggae and trotting his fine ass around the stage. Blake can stay.

AJ rates Blake's performance the best of the night.

Chris Sligh, he can sing. He's definitely got a proclivity for really crappy songs and he's already tenderized his previously slightly spiky personality more effectively than Bobby Flay going at a flank steak with a metal hammer. Just pounded himself down into a mushy, floppy mess. But there's always hope that we can season him up with some pepper and barbeque sauce and get him all fired up once he gets back on the grill of the big stage again. (see that? A barbeque metaphor. Although I'm talking of Sligh, it makes you think of Taylor eating ribs, doesn't it? He's never mentioned, but he's never quite out of mind.)

The judges? They said four guys deserve to go to the finals. Fucking -- WHO? Sundance with his crappy faux-hawk coming out and desecrating Pear Jam's "Jeremy," singing about a little "punk" to please the censors? What the fuck, Eddie Vedder? WHY? Why did you allow that to happen?

Who do you want to see in the final 12? Vaguely creepy Phil Stacy? Hula dancing Sanjaya? Self-loving Chris Richardson? Still boring Brandon? Or even more boring Jared? I'm telling you -- they suck. They suck intensely because they're even lacking the ability to sink to a level of suckage that's laughable. They're just like intravenous Ambien in their middling suckitude. I hate them. I hate them all. But it's not even a burning, resentful hatred. It's just a mildly disgusted, waste of my time hatred. It's kind of like I started dating a rebound guy and he's not abusive or even rude and there's nothing specifically wrong with him, but there's just not a single thing right about him either. The relationship isn't going anywhere, but rules of etiquette dictate that I have to drag him along for so long or wait for him to fuck up before I can dump him. It's just exhausting in its boringness.

And it's when you're in this restless kind of state that all your exes suddenly seem so much more appealing. I admit it -- right now, I'd consider the TV equivalent of a late-night booty call with Constantine Maroulis heaven.

In other words -- it's time, FOX. It's time for the All-Star American Idol where we trot out the losers and give them another shot.

Heaven's sake -- you could even appease Frenchie that way! Oh yeah, bring her back! I'm all for the love there.

Because that is how I'm getting my few kicks these days -- from swinging with the ladies. I'm not particularly attracted to any of them, but I can't resist the smutty, snakey vibe of Antonella. Thank God for Antonella. Now THAT'S how you do bad, boys. She's elevated suck to a new level this year. Shitty performances, whiffs of entitled, bratty behavior, scandalous photos, and now a whole fucking race riot is brewing! She's already earned her spot in the All-Stars reunion show. I'll watch and be happy -- as long as she brings her hot father with her.

How sad is that state of affairs? 16 potential "stars" taking the stage this week and the only person who trips my triggers is in the audience.

After a breakup, someone's supposed to hand you the tired platitude that there are a lot of fish in the sea. Now, we know that's just not true anymore. But are you telling me that Sundance and Sanjaya are the quality we're supposed to aim for?

AJ would not be happy. This show last night -- and the general state of men this year -- gets the lowest AJ rating.

(AJ is still polite, so he at least applauds politely, but the look of lethargic apathy is evident.)


Myfanwy Collins said...

How do you do it? Yeah, this is exactly how I feel. Totally uninspired by this crop, but ALL STARS!!! My god! What a genius idea! I'm so there.

SusanD said...

I knew it wasn't just me, Myfanwy! I think they intentionally rigged it with crappy guys because they wanted a female this year. But yes -- All Stars! They need to do it.

Don Capone said...

I'm afraid the sight of Sanjaya hula dancing has been burned into my memory, and I'll never be able to forget it. I'll wake up screaming in the middle of the night 25 years from now and recall that horrific image and need a shot of scotch to work my way through it.

Blake is good because he's different, Chris Sligh I still have hopes for, and Sundance I just like for some reason. When Simon said Phil had a whole weird hat and big eyes thing going, I knew exactly what he meant. I had been thinking the same thing!

Ellen said...

It was EXCRUCIATING. And you're right--the performances were so mind-numbingly adequate that there's not even anyone to make fun of. (I mean, what fun is teasing Sanjaya? That's like tripping an old lady on crutches.) Worst of all, I think AI is trying to groom Sundance as this season's "personality," which makes me a queasy. The only thing interesting about him is his goofy name and his even goofier beard. Bleh. (However, I did like Simon rolling his eyes when Sundance insisted he wasn't crying for the camera.)

Last night I found myself wishing they'd give Ryan more airtime. He's the most entertaining part of the show.

Shaffner said...

Susan, you nailed this week right on the head... I have to say I'm most psyched for another week of Sanjaya and Antonella, at least one of whom will sneak into the Top 12. I can't wait to see which song Antonella murders tonight!

(I'm also thanking god for DVR, because there's no way I could actually sit through the whole thing).

Alice said...

My thoughts exactly - and in that order! Loved the shout out to Bobby Flay and the BBQ metaphor for Sligh. By the way, in SC we like mustard-based BBQ sauce.

On another note...Can't believe Don C did not like Elliott last year and likes Sundance this year.

Alice said...

Forgot to mention that I love the AJ rating system. Also I enjoyed the Myfanwy and Ellen story/interview the other day.

Don Capone said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Don Capone said...


The main problem I had with Elliot last year was that I didn't know or like any of his song choices. Like the judges say over and over: it's all about the song choice.

Sundance has smarmy tendencies, but I think he has a really good voice, and just needs to learn how to use it. I'm hoping he is one of those contestants that actually improves each week.

steelkisses said...

god, they are just AWFUL! all of them, every last one of them. yes, except blake. blake is pretty good. not really great, just better than the rest of them. i love the AJ rating system. you are so funny.

Cam said...

I agree. I left after Sanjaya did a terrible rendition of "Waiting On The World to Change." TERRIBLE. It's all becoming a little too boring to me.

Greg said...

From the beginning there has been something unappealing about this season. Idol has jumped the shark for sure.

SusanD said...

greg-- yes.

cam -- with the encouragement of others, I'm now calling open season on Sanjaya.

oh steel -- we have to keep AJ around at least in spirit. So he will either cheer or boo appropriately.

alice -- Don C is great and has great taste in many things. However, never forget that he's a Yankee fan, which means he believes in the DH, which shows he's susceptible to suspect judgment.