So it's been a month that I haven't been smoking. I've given cigarettes up for over three months before, so I certainly wouldn't say that I've kicked it yet. I doubt I'll ever kick it completely, because more than the physical cravings, I seem to have a fairly potent mental connection with smoking. In a nutshell, it's this: I think non-smokers suck.
If you're a non-smoker, or someone who's successfully quit, please try not to be offended by that. I assure you, I'm not attacking you personally. In fact, on a personal level, I think you're great. You're certainly smarter and healthier than I am.
But, for me, the problem is, generally speaking, I've always found smokers to be a whole lot more fun.
I'm not gonna give you a whole bunch of psycho-babble and shit, but parts of my identity are tied pretty strongly with being a smoker. So suffice to say that right now, this rebellion is kicking in pretty hard, so I'm left with this strong ambivalence about giving up smoking for good. On the one hand, I'd like to quit and kick the habit just to prove that I can quit and do it. On the other hand, if I'm successful, I'll be a non-smoker, which is something I've never wanted to be, and is something I still don't want to be.
So which do I want more? The satisfaction of knowing I can change myself? Or the satisfaction of being who I am?