Monday, March 20, 2006

A month without cigarettes

So it's been a month that I haven't been smoking. I've given cigarettes up for over three months before, so I certainly wouldn't say that I've kicked it yet. I doubt I'll ever kick it completely, because more than the physical cravings, I seem to have a fairly potent mental connection with smoking. In a nutshell, it's this: I think non-smokers suck.

If you're a non-smoker, or someone who's successfully quit, please try not to be offended by that. I assure you, I'm not attacking you personally. In fact, on a personal level, I think you're great. You're certainly smarter and healthier than I am.

But, for me, the problem is, generally speaking, I've always found smokers to be a whole lot more fun.

I'm not gonna give you a whole bunch of psycho-babble and shit, but parts of my identity are tied pretty strongly with being a smoker. So suffice to say that right now, this rebellion is kicking in pretty hard, so I'm left with this strong ambivalence about giving up smoking for good. On the one hand, I'd like to quit and kick the habit just to prove that I can quit and do it. On the other hand, if I'm successful, I'll be a non-smoker, which is something I've never wanted to be, and is something I still don't want to be.

So which do I want more? The satisfaction of knowing I can change myself? Or the satisfaction of being who I am?

Fucking paradoxes.


Don Capone said...

What if you just dangle the cig from your mouth and don't light it?

BTW, I've never smoked a cigarette in my life.

SusanD said...

I must inhale.

You've never had a single cigarette? Wow. Now, that is actually pretty cool!

Myfanwy Collins said...

I'm proud of you, Susan. This is good stuff. I know that it's hard to imagine life as a full on non-smoker but I promise you it's not as boring as it seems. I can run many miles! I don't wake up at night thinking I can't breathe only to learn I'm having a nic fit! My hair smells nice! And so do my clothes!

It's good stuff.

SusanD said...

Thanks, Myf. I DO seem to enjoy the smelling better thing. But I am also often clinging to the smokers at work just to smell them!

Dorothy said...

I'm on two packs a day. I know...bad me! You are sooo brave to have quit. And I can relate to the non-smokers thing. Just more partying going on with the smokers, I

SusanD said...

Hiya Dorothy! How you doin these days? Hey, I'm not about to snip at anyone for smoking two packs a day. I did it, and probably will be doing it again ;) But yes, it's the party and social thing to it. I'm not the most social person there is, so now, without smoke breaks, I'm barely speaking to anyone -- ever.

Jenna Glatzer said...

Holy crap. I just found your site today, thought you were hilarious, came to your blog just to tell you so, and found out that we're nearly twins. I quit Jan. 15th and am having exactly the same problem... "nonsmokers," as an identity, annoy me. I don't like identifying as a nonsmoker or ex-smoker. I want a different title altogether, like kleleiosmoker. Something with no mental baggage attached for me.

By the way? I think you're hilarious.

SusanD said...

Jenna, you crack me up! I just checked out your site. Wanna do an quick interview on this site with me?

And HUGE congrats to you on getting so far not smoking!

Robert Scott Leyse said...

All due respect, I really don't see what the big deal about quitting smoking is - I've never found it difficult. Hell, I've quit as many as five times in one week. As a matter of fact, I quit again yesterday; and, soon as this pack's done, I'm planning on quitting again tomorrow!