Wednesday, July 12, 2006

supernova supernavarro - no no no

So I did, indeed, watch Rock Star: Supernova again last night. The siren call of Tommy Lee just couldn't be denied.

My only regret is that I didn't take a screencap of Lukas Rossi to prop up my following argument. It's a bit of a rigamarole for me to get screencaps, and I promised myself I wasn't going to go off the deep end like I did with American Idol this year. I do enjoy Rock Star, but it hasn't yet inspired me to the insane ends that Elliott Yamin, Chis Daughtry, Pauler and Idol's cheese-fest hoopla did, and that's a very good thing. However, I really could go to town diagramming and deconstructing Rossi's painfully perfect makeup, and I'd have enjoyed doing that. (If anyone HAS a screenshot they'd like to pass my way, I'd be much obliged!) Suffice to say that with his kohl liner, oh-so-trendy goth-like red shadow that's carefully applied around the eyes and then all of it capped off with the tantalizing dusting of shimmer to make it all POP -- I was both impressed and ready to gag.

I mean, come on. I've seen Vogue cover models whose faces weren't nearly as flawlessly painted as this guy's was. I guess he's a rocker and all, and oh yeah, makeup has a grand tradition in rock-n-roll. But the practiced perfection of the application of his eye makeup just kind of negates the bad-ass purpose of it. Plus, it still can't save his head from being weird.

Anyhow, he looked quite pulled together and his performance was a'ight. I'm sure he'll glide by another week, but his fun freak-factor took a huge hit with that glitter shadow.

Phil, he sang fine. He does have a good voice. But again he moved like he was on marionette strings -- almost boneless in his carriage. It kinda started growing on me, and Tommy Lee gave it the thumbs up, saying he liked Phil's "swagger." But Jason Newsted cut him down for it and told him he needs to lay it down sometime with a strong stance. Phil gave the pouty lower-lip thing. I didn't like that. Not because I thought it was rude or wrong of him to do, but because that face kind of goes with his prancy moves: there's something vaguely smarmy and lacking true emotion about it.

Zayra sucked, but she also zinged Gilby when he tried to tell her that she sucks. He asked if she even has any of their albums, and she told him that she was still in diapers when he was playing that music. Tommy got a big kick out of that. I would've laughed at the tired line if she had something more in her performances to back it up.

Dilana did Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire" and was creepy-cool in her delivery yet again. I like Dilana, not just for the freak factor. But I am already questioning her voice. It's very raspy and unique and it sounds good as one performance amidst all the others, but I'm not sure an entire concert or CD of it is a very good idea.

Josh -- I'm sure a lot of people like Josh. He's got a good voice, but he drove me crazy with the constant runs both last week and this week. Plus, he sang Creed. Signing Creed ought to be grounds for immediate dismissal as far as I'm concerned. Newsted called him on the melisma, and Josh happily said, "Okay." Which, I have to say, other than Zayra and pouty-Phil, everyone was really gracious getting their reviews and some of them seemed as though they'd be happy to suck it up and improve.

One of the ones most eager to improve was Chris -- he of the mangled Roxanne of last week. I have to give Navarro some props here. I still don't like the way he plays guitar, but Dave did kind of nail all the criticisms last night as he sat there in his dark, coiffed glory on his rocker throne. He told Chris he just wasn't authentic yet. That's exactly right. He's about as authentic as another Chris -- Chris Daughtry. But, unfortunately for me, this new Chris doesn't have the inflated ego of Daughtry. Instead, this one is like a kicked puppy. He tries to act strong but there's a reticence to his demeanor, and though his jeans are ill-fitting and his eyeliner is ugly and his hair is a bushy mess, I'm still not finding the necessary contempt to verbally run him through.

Frankly, I hope he makes his exit this week. Because unlike the annoying glee that I took in watching and excoriating Daughtry, this Chris just makes me feel sorry for him. He's trying to fit in, but it's just not working. And that's really not funny to watch, it's vaguely uncomfortable and painful. He just seems like too nice of a guy with a decent voice who doesn't really fit in, and his dorkiness isn't ingratiating. So I hope the audience and the band Old Yeller him this week and end the misery.

In stark contrast to Chris is Toby. Yeah, it's a sweet name, but there's no denying it after this week. Last week he sounded great on the Dylan song. This week he got The Killers' "Somebody Told Me" and he CRUSHED it. Holy amplitude, Rockman, this cat can sing. He really did punk everyone else with it, and he's got a great stage presence. It's everything Phil isn't -- strong and masculine. The problem with the way Phil moves is that rock music is supposed to drip sexuality and rebellion. And yet when I see him wiggle weakly, I can't imagine how discombobulating and frustrating it'd be to try and fuck the guy. But Toby? Yeah. You can definitely picture him denting headboards.

Jason realizes Toby's sex appeal, too. He told him that it's obvious the ladies like him. And in strapping Aussie style, Toby said, "That's lucky. Because I like them, too." I have to say, he's actually so good looking and so perfect that I was a bit surprised to hear him say that. I mean, a guy who's that naturally rugged and masculine and confident and also so devastatingly good looking and talented, I wouldn't've been shocked if the fellow from down under had a proclivity for going around back. But he says he likes the sheilas, and I don't really care either way.

My only potential problem with Toby is that maybe he's just a wee bit too good looking. He doesn't fuck around with the laboriously applied makeup and his clothes aren't off-the-wall outrageous. He doesn't need all that dress-up jazz because he's got the goods anyhow. But looking at him can be almost mesmerizing. So I'm wondering if there's not some gigantic flaw that we just haven't seen yet. It's strange, really. Being single in my 30s, I'm terrific at quickly appraising fellows and finding the flaws -- almost like an expert with a jeweler's loupe finding the occlusions in a diamond. But I don't see anything wrong with this guy yet. And that's just impossible to believe.

Patrice got a great song in Nirvana's "Heart Shaped Box" and she did a good job with it and looked good with her guitar. I was a bit disappointed in Tommy Lee for the standard comment of wishing she'd hold the guitar lower. She did have it hiked high, but hey, not everyone needs to be Kurt Cobain and play it at their ankles. Patrice was refreshing in her difference, because it was ignorant of Jill to claim she "didn't know what Courtney Love did" with the Hole song she sang, even though she came out dressed in a white dress with roses. Again, Navarro called her on it.

God help me, the last thing I wanted from watching this show was to gain respect for Dave Navarro. I don't mind enjoying Tommy Lee and all his big-dicked glory. But if I get turned and start liking Dave, I'm probably tuning out. This show is already making me feel neutered with its lack of snark-worthy material. If I can't even hate on Navarro, I'll know I have some serious emotional problems that need to be addressed before I become too well-adjusted and decent of a person. I'm not going to watch this shit to be kind and hand out praise like lollipops. I'm in it to heckle. And I still blame that fucking cupcake Elliott Yamin for making me so grotesquely nice.


Alice said...

Ron Howard's brother (in Gentle Ben) meets eyeliner = Rossi?

I see a favorite emerging - for me anyway - Toby. None of this touches the emotion associated with Elliott Yamin, though. It's just a fun, summer replacement until E's career gets on the move.

laura petrie said...

You can dress him up. You can put him on a throne. You can give him a microphone.

But once an ass, always an ass. Thus it goes with Navarro. Don't worry. Like heartburn and a kidney stone, this too shall eventually pass.

Tommy = still charming. Although I was afraid we were going to get a look at the esteemed goods when he stood up and did his Mick Jagger thing...

You, as usual, are right on the money with your wry observations, my dear. Tonight should be fun.

meep said...

Oh yes, you and Miss Petrie are right. You've got them all completely figured out in less than two weeks time. And eloquently so.

There may not be as much cheese here, but there's plenty of bullshit, so I'm very much hoping you'll continue to give this "show" your valuable time and commentary....even if we only nearly see a "boat" or two.

So far, I'm awfully disappointed that the reality segments aren't being broadcast. This is where the snark's to be found, because personality comes into play, not just performance. Please do catch the webcasts for more insight into the excellence that is Paul and his bandmates. Just their expressions during rehearsals this week had me rolling. And House Band is actually WORKING with these kids, not just asking if they're wearing underpants. ;)

meep said...

BTW, has a nice shot of Lukas in all his glam glory.

Cam said...

If you want to have your snark on, I think you could do that with Lukas. He's got potential, heh.

Nice to see that you're watching Rockstar. :) I'm already looking forward to your comments. I agree with everything you said about Patrice and Toby. However, I don't know if I'm crazy about Toby's "Somebody Told Me" as a lot of people are. It's good, he has a good voice but I guess I just don't like his vibe for this particular song.

Anonymous said...

oh i just saw the results show and never to worry there is sooo much material to be mined. ie, in the safety of the house the "rockers" are like, Oh what the f* was he saying? nah, he didn't even make sense with all that mess. i'm straight up authentic and hard man. that's me.

in front of the judges, oh man i just really respect you guys and after soaking in the comments i really want to do better.

self castration will likely be a major theme in this show and i for one am looking forward to it. and am i the only one who's a bit skeevied out that all the contestants are white? i know it goes with the kind of following that supernymphs has but it just looks like a big old spectacle to me.

also, lukas rossi is canadian--so why does he sound like he's british? i can tell already i'm going to enjoy hating on him. thanks susan for your astute observations on his glitterglo eye decor. oh so hard.

--blog devotee

SusanD said...

Alice -- Clint Howard! That's brilliant. And true.

LP -- thanks for the reassurance about Navarro. If I get sucked in, I'll be pissed! I listened to some of "One Hot Minute" last night to rejuve my dislike.

Meep -- I'm hoping they start showing more of House Band and reality segments with the kids when the pool gets whittled down a bit.

Cam -- yes. Lukas it is :)

anon-- self castration. I LOVE it!

meep said...

To your anonymous commenter above: there was a 16th "rocker" (same as last year - they began with 16) that was unable to participate at the last minute due to visa difficulties. He was non-white and from England I believe. I'll try to locate the online article. It sounded as though he would have been a major contender.

steel kisses said...

OH come on! There are hours of fun in ripping Brooke Burke to shreds - or just counting the times she says the word "rocker" or "rockers". And besides, just because Dave Navarro makes some sense does NOT excuse in any way his clothing choices (or lack thereof) or his fucking eyebrows.

I'm so glad to see you back!

steel kisses said...

Also - meep (and others) the reality segments can be seen on They aren't being aired on TV this year (don't know why).

SusanD said...

steel -- thank you for the best laugh I've had in weeks. His fucking eyebrows -- indeed! You know he's breaking up with Carmen Electra, right? Maybe he'll be forced to wear a shirt to cover the CE tat now.

steel kisses said...

Unfortunately he didn't feel the need last night.... maybe it was a secret message for her to PLEASE come back. Baby, please. Nobody else tweezes like you do. He makes me retch.