supernova supernavarro - no no no

So I did, indeed, watch Rock Star: Supernova again last night. The siren call of Tommy Lee just couldn't be denied.

My only regret is that I didn't take a screencap of Lukas Rossi to prop up my following argument. It's a bit of a rigamarole for me to get screencaps, and I promised myself I wasn't going to go off the deep end like I did with American Idol this year. I do enjoy Rock Star, but it hasn't yet inspired me to the insane ends that Elliott Yamin, Chis Daughtry, Pauler and Idol's cheese-fest hoopla did, and that's a very good thing. However, I really could go to town diagramming and deconstructing Rossi's painfully perfect makeup, and I'd have enjoyed doing that. (If anyone HAS a screenshot they'd like to pass my way, I'd be much obliged!) Suffice to say that with his kohl liner, oh-so-trendy goth-like red shadow that's carefully applied around the eyes and then all of it capped off with the tantalizing dusting of shimmer to make it all POP -- I was both impressed and ready to gag.

I mean, come on. I've seen Vogue cover models whose faces weren't nearly as flawlessly painted as this guy's was. I guess he's a rocker and all, and oh yeah, makeup has a grand tradition in rock-n-roll. But the practiced perfection of the application of his eye makeup just kind of negates the bad-ass purpose of it. Plus, it still can't save his head from being weird.

Anyhow, he looked quite pulled together and his performance was a'ight. I'm sure he'll glide by another week, but his fun freak-factor took a huge hit with that glitter shadow.

Phil, he sang fine. He does have a good voice. But again he moved like he was on marionette strings -- almost boneless in his carriage. It kinda started growing on me, and Tommy Lee gave it the thumbs up, saying he liked Phil's "swagger." But Jason Newsted cut him down for it and told him he needs to lay it down sometime with a strong stance. Phil gave the pouty lower-lip thing. I didn't like that. Not because I thought it was rude or wrong of him to do, but because that face kind of goes with his prancy moves: there's something vaguely smarmy and lacking true emotion about it.

Zayra sucked, but she also zinged Gilby when he tried to tell her that she sucks. He asked if she even has any of their albums, and she told him that she was still in diapers when he was playing that music. Tommy got a big kick out of that. I would've laughed at the tired line if she had something more in her performances to back it up.

Dilana did Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire" and was creepy-cool in her delivery yet again. I like Dilana, not just for the freak factor. But I am already questioning her voice. It's very raspy and unique and it sounds good as one performance amidst all the others, but I'm not sure an entire concert or CD of it is a very good idea.

Josh -- I'm sure a lot of people like Josh. He's got a good voice, but he drove me crazy with the constant runs both last week and this week. Plus, he sang Creed. Signing Creed ought to be grounds for immediate dismissal as far as I'm concerned. Newsted called him on the melisma, and Josh happily said, "Okay." Which, I have to say, other than Zayra and pouty-Phil, everyone was really gracious getting their reviews and some of them seemed as though they'd be happy to suck it up and improve.

One of the ones most eager to improve was Chris -- he of the mangled Roxanne of last week. I have to give Navarro some props here. I still don't like the way he plays guitar, but Dave did kind of nail all the criticisms last night as he sat there in his dark, coiffed glory on his rocker throne. He told Chris he just wasn't authentic yet. That's exactly right. He's about as authentic as another Chris -- Chris Daughtry. But, unfortunately for me, this new Chris doesn't have the inflated ego of Daughtry. Instead, this one is like a kicked puppy. He tries to act strong but there's a reticence to his demeanor, and though his jeans are ill-fitting and his eyeliner is ugly and his hair is a bushy mess, I'm still not finding the necessary contempt to verbally run him through.

Frankly, I hope he makes his exit this week. Because unlike the annoying glee that I took in watching and excoriating Daughtry, this Chris just makes me feel sorry for him. He's trying to fit in, but it's just not working. And that's really not funny to watch, it's vaguely uncomfortable and painful. He just seems like too nice of a guy with a decent voice who doesn't really fit in, and his dorkiness isn't ingratiating. So I hope the audience and the band Old Yeller him this week and end the misery.

In stark contrast to Chris is Toby. Yeah, it's a sweet name, but there's no denying it after this week. Last week he sounded great on the Dylan song. This week he got The Killers' "Somebody Told Me" and he CRUSHED it. Holy amplitude, Rockman, this cat can sing. He really did punk everyone else with it, and he's got a great stage presence. It's everything Phil isn't -- strong and masculine. The problem with the way Phil moves is that rock music is supposed to drip sexuality and rebellion. And yet when I see him wiggle weakly, I can't imagine how discombobulating and frustrating it'd be to try and fuck the guy. But Toby? Yeah. You can definitely picture him denting headboards.

Jason realizes Toby's sex appeal, too. He told him that it's obvious the ladies like him. And in strapping Aussie style, Toby said, "That's lucky. Because I like them, too." I have to say, he's actually so good looking and so perfect that I was a bit surprised to hear him say that. I mean, a guy who's that naturally rugged and masculine and confident and also so devastatingly good looking and talented, I wouldn't've been shocked if the fellow from down under had a proclivity for going around back. But he says he likes the sheilas, and I don't really care either way.

My only potential problem with Toby is that maybe he's just a wee bit too good looking. He doesn't fuck around with the laboriously applied makeup and his clothes aren't off-the-wall outrageous. He doesn't need all that dress-up jazz because he's got the goods anyhow. But looking at him can be almost mesmerizing. So I'm wondering if there's not some gigantic flaw that we just haven't seen yet. It's strange, really. Being single in my 30s, I'm terrific at quickly appraising fellows and finding the flaws -- almost like an expert with a jeweler's loupe finding the occlusions in a diamond. But I don't see anything wrong with this guy yet. And that's just impossible to believe.

Patrice got a great song in Nirvana's "Heart Shaped Box" and she did a good job with it and looked good with her guitar. I was a bit disappointed in Tommy Lee for the standard comment of wishing she'd hold the guitar lower. She did have it hiked high, but hey, not everyone needs to be Kurt Cobain and play it at their ankles. Patrice was refreshing in her difference, because it was ignorant of Jill to claim she "didn't know what Courtney Love did" with the Hole song she sang, even though she came out dressed in a white dress with roses. Again, Navarro called her on it.

God help me, the last thing I wanted from watching this show was to gain respect for Dave Navarro. I don't mind enjoying Tommy Lee and all his big-dicked glory. But if I get turned and start liking Dave, I'm probably tuning out. This show is already making me feel neutered with its lack of snark-worthy material. If I can't even hate on Navarro, I'll know I have some serious emotional problems that need to be addressed before I become too well-adjusted and decent of a person. I'm not going to watch this shit to be kind and hand out praise like lollipops. I'm in it to heckle. And I still blame that fucking cupcake Elliott Yamin for making me so grotesquely nice.