Neon Fiction

As predicted and supported by the comments here, I do believe Lukas Rossi will become our whipping boy for this season of Rock Star.

He'll be lingering a long time because last night showed that the guys of Supernova aren't just looking for a lead singer, but with Tommy Lee as a producer of this year's show, he's also going to make sure we're entertained. As Toby would maybe say, "Good on you, T Lee."

At the end of the show, after a bottom three that had big-head Jill (and I don't mean arrogant, I mean this girl has a really big head in proportion to her body) and Zayra and Chris in danger, the boys mulled it over and then hatchet man Tommy sent Chris home.

I was really happy about that decision. Zayra sucks. She sucks hardcore. Everyone made it clear they hated her rendition of The Kinks' "You Really Got Me" the other night, so when she was given a second chance to sing something to impress them, she decided to stick with the same song and butcher it in the same manner. Her choppy shoulder-shimmy and random screeches tossed in are apparently what makes her think she's the shit. She should've been booted, but in a wise, TV friendly decision, they kept her instead of Chris. I'm glad for that, because it'll make for good entertainment watching her make an asshole out of herself.

Why will it be fun to watch her crash and burn? Because this is who Zayra is: Zayra is the slightly above-average looking girl who thinks she's hotter than J. Lo. Zayra is the mediocre singer who thinks she's Sarah Brightman/Grace Jones/Pink. (only much better looking and sexier, baby, than any of them.) She's already throwing her sex appeal at Tommy Lee, telling him he can teach her about what he wants. Gag. This is exactly what gives Zayra her erroneously inflated self-esteem. I'm willing to bet that Tommy would be happy to nail her. I'm willing to bet plenty of guys nail Zayra. If she wants, she can get nailed more than a practice wall at Home Depot on free demo Saturday. But some chicks just don't understand that guys being willing to fuck you doesn't mean you're hot or sexy. It means you're a female with a pulse.

Zayra has attitude and thinks she's sexy. And it's going to be fun to watch her trounce around, dismissing the judges comments and talking about how great she is. I'll enjoy this.

In stark contrast to Zayra is Chris, who did end up getting the axe last night. I'm so glad. Yes, he's not so good, but he is more reasonable than Zayra. But the problem with Chris, as I mentioned earlier, is that there's no joy to be had in tearing him down. To the contrary, it's uncomfortable to mock him. It's uncomfortable because he's earnest and he's trying and his ego isn't out of control and there's that whiff of kicked puppy about him. As a guy? I bet I'd like to hang out with Chris. But he doesn't make for good TV. We all know he was never going to make the leaps required to front Supernova, so to keep dragging him along wouldn't have been cool. Instead, it was the merciful thing to do to get him off the show and away from reckless, taunting bitches like me. So I really applaud Tommy, Gilby, and Jason for making this move.

It's early, and I'm fickle, so this is subject to change, but I've got a good mind to pick Toby as the winner already. There's plenty right with him, and though his encore of "Somebody Told Me" wasn't as good as the previous night, I still can't peg anything grotesquely wrong with him. In the comments here, Cam mentioned how his "vibe" maybe wasn't quite right for that song. And I have to admit, I'm hesitant to him and his entire vibe. But it's not because of anything overt or even subtle that he's done. I think I'm bringing my own baggage to Toby, because when I look at him and listen to him and hear him perform and watch him move, I want to think "asshole." But I tend to think that's me coloring other alpha-frat-boy personalities onto him and it's without justification.

And that brings us back to another front-runner: the aforementioned snark-worthy little bitch Lukas. After the judges made their comments, the wannabe rockers retired to the manse to get defensive and angry about anything at all negative said about them. Lukas's reaction was really telling, because he really didn't have anything negative said. Jason merely told him to be careful and take care of his voice. But Rossi had to go all bitch and bark and growl about how he's been singing his way for fifteen years and blahblah. Naturally, when confronted with it, Rossi lost his bite and bitched out again and was all, "Yeah brother, I understood and took it in and it's all good and I respect you all and I'll suck your dicks on TV here cause I'm not man enough to stand up to you face-to-face and then when I'm back at the manse I'll say that T Lee's dick isn't so big after all and blah blah." His affectation of "brother" to everyone is mildly annoying. Combined with his ego, carefully shaved eyebrow and makeup, which was even MORE elaborate last night with a dollop of silver under the eye, I'm starting to work up a good hate for the fucker.

Normally, I don't like to make fun of how people look, other than their sartorial choices, because that's within their control. But it's been mentioned by a few that Rossi bears a striking resemblance to Clint Howard. And they're right. So I give you this mini photo essay to prove it, courtesy of Photoshop and a slow morning at the office.