Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Tattoo You

What I'd like to share with you today is something that happened as a consequence of yesterday's blog post here. It's the one directly below, where I have the picture of Chris Daughtry and label it "asshole." Someone took such offense to that post that instead of flaming me here or sending me a scathing e-mail, they e-mailed one of my publishers. (!) Can you stand it? Oh yeah. This person sent an indignant e-mail to one of my publishers, complaining about my word choice and how it offended them and how they'd never buy a book from me or my publisher. (!!) AND, get this, they're going to post the link all over to Chris Daughtry fan sites in outrage. (!!!)

I ask you -- Can it get any better than that?


At first, I was shocked. Shocked primarily because this is the fellow this person is valiantly defending against being called an asshole:

Secondly, I was shocked and sad, because clearly this person never checked in and read any of my American Idol recaps while the season was rolling. I know this because there were a plethora of pictures and words tossed around during those couple months on this blog that I'm sure would've sent this person into overdrive with their uptight umbrage. I mean, I'd made it pretty clear what I thought of Daughtry over that time: How he's by very definition not a rawker. He's a fraud of a rawker. He's a perfect fit for the commercialized, watered-down, processed, shitty fraud-rock like Creed-Nickelback-Fuel that's marketed to the American public. Daughry is a frawker.

But I got over my sadness at being previously ignored and the joy just bubbled out of me. I mean, can you imagine how my head swelled? Someone had paid attention to me! Someone was so moved as to write to my publisher! Suddenly, I felt relevant! Oh, the fucking ego boost it was.

I was still a little surprised by it, of course. I mean, in the spring, when I heavily engaged in the Daughtry bashing, I got plenty of flame-mail sent my way from Daughtry fans. But that's the thing: Those fans were direct. Those fans were witty and engaging and passionate and the exchanges were, frankly, pretty fun. Certainly, some of the messages were concise, let's call them, and consisted of simply, "your a bitch." But most of them were much more erudite and flamboyant, and we had some great exchanges. But then a half a year later, out of nowhere, comes this lone fan who's an uptight, mirthless little narc. It wasn't the sort of behavior I'd expect from a Daughtry fan. It was the kind of behavior I'd expect from a Claymate.

Nevertheless, it tickled me. I was insufferable for about 23 minutes, becoming quite the self-important asshole. I mean, can you imagine? To work and toil and scribble and write and publish in obscure anonymity for years, and now, suddenly, I'd finally done it. I'd ignited someone. I'd inflamed someone. I'd made a statement bold enough to be controversial enough to get "superiors" involved. Controversy! Fuck, it was exciting. I'd arrived. Briefly, I considered getting a tattoo of my own name emblazoned across my own back!

But then, of course, reality hit as the giggles stopped. I remembered: Oh yeah. I'm not relevant. I'm nobody. I'm just a bitch with a blog. And someone just got miffed that I slammed their crush.

But I do still hold out hope that the whiny, narcy person will make good on her word and link my site all over the place. I really hope she remembers to post an indignant link at MJ's! Maybe it'll gain me a few readers come February when the new season starts, or at least remind people to check back in.

In the meantime, in case she's checking here today to see if I addressed her concerns, I have two very choice words for her. I know you didn't like my use of the word "asshole." (Frawk fans, such tender sensibilities and so easily offended!) So here are two extremely choice words you're probably going to like even less: Thank you. Seriously. It's over something extremely silly, and it was brief. But for that brief second -- okay, 23 minutes -- I really felt special.

Oh. And also? This is the guy you got all worked up over:

Yep. Still an asshole.

And so am I.

But he's an asshole with a crappy, mass market CD. That's a lot more success than I'll ever know. But hey, life is fair. At least I'm an asshole without a tattoo of my own name scrawled across my back.


Anonymous said...

Congrats!! How very, very cool that some asshole got so riled at your use of the word asshole. It's perfect.

The only time I got someone that fired up was months BEFORE my book came out. Some woman from my local PTA wrote my publisher an email saying she heard I wrote a book about the PTA and she was afraid she was in it, intimating that she might sue if she wasn't allowed an early look. Can you imagine? She either has a massive ego or a guilty conscience. I would NEVER assume someone put me in a book. I'm way too well-behaved to make for interesting reading.

Anyway, Susan ... you are a true rawk star.


P.S. I am ready to KILL the idiots who designed the new Blogger Beta, which forces me to sign in and erase my entire post every freaking time.

Don Capone said...

You're horrible SusanD. I'm going to burn all my copies of your books. This is worse than when Lennon said The Beatles were bigger than Jesus.

dennis mahagin said...

Bad girl!

Now, as your penance, I sentence you thusly:

You, SusanD, must listen to 18 consecutive recording outtakes from deep within Barker's Bunker, wherein Chris Daughtry vainly tries to cover a Shine Down song-- with dissonant harmonica accompaniment from the Gray One.

Plus, you're prolly gonna hafta, like, write some words on a blackboard a few dozen times, but I haven't figured out what yet.


SusanD said...

Dennis, you're always funny, you nut. I have nice penmanship, so you let me know about the blackboard.

Don-- you're just jellus, aren't you?

Ellen-- aw, thanks! At least your complaint was about your WORK though. I'm ascaraed of this blogger beta thing. I might have a nervous connipshin when they force me over.

SusanD said...

Oh. Also? Ellen, you're a character in one of my books. Try to guess who you are now! ;)

Designated Blogger said...

Hey Susan,

Of course, Chris has to be a character in your next book.

Alice said...

Great job, Susan! Twenty-three minutes of divine glee! And DB has a great idea - do make DAUGHTRY a character in your next book. Thanks for cupcake-checking our Elliott, too. I can't wait for his CD! Check out Bravo's Top Chef to keep in good snark practice for the next season of Idol.

Anonymous said...

Susan, from a lurker here - you may be an asshole, but you're a funny, witty, and entertaining one. And I really don't think you're an asshole. You just go on with your excellent self.

trudi said...

No need to worry about Daughtry fans boycotting your publisher. The average Daughtry fan can't read what's on Chris' back.

Anonymous said...

LOoooove your mind Susan. You write so well. And thank you for the picture of Mr. & Mrs. Snide.

Frawk On Sister! Danielle Notaro

SusanD said...

DB -- Love the Daughtry as a character thing!

Alice -- Top Chef, I've had others mention this, I'm definitely going to check it out. Thanks!

Anon lurker -- aw, thanks!

trudi- you kill me!

Danielle -- Mr. & Mrs. Snide -- that's most excellent.

Jackson Scales said...

Ha ha!

Damn, Susan, you just SLAY me with your wit. I think I got at least 23 minutes of laughter reading your analysis of your own 23 minutes. Thanks for passing the mirth around.

And, really, what kind of an asshole gets his own name tatted across his back? It takes ideas of existential angst to whole new levels of absurdity.

Keep trucking Sue. Jackson always loves ya. ;)


SusanD said...

Thanks JS!

Suki said...

Ahhh bloody marvelous read, yep still a total asshole, some things will never change, thank goodness !

Anonymous said...

Why do you feel compelled to bash a nice guy like Chris Daughtry for? His album is currently #1 on Billboard's Rock chart, and he obviously is going to have a very successful rock career.~ A tattoo with his name on his back does not make him an asshole! I dont' get what your prob is with him?? I'd concider taking some anger management classes if I were you, instead of talking smack about someone that you obviously know nothing about!

SusanD said...

Anon -- thanks for stopping by and reading! I'll take your advice to heart.

meep said...

Clearly I've been away too long. Look at the excitement I've missed!

I'm thinking the letter to your publisher was just as well written as the anonymous post above, yes?

This - like Daughtry's first tattoo - is just too perfect!


SusanD said...

Meep -- yes, you're correct in your thinking the high command of the English language was displayed in the letter also. Charming, huh?