Thursday, August 24, 2006

The Bitch Edit Is Back

Interesting week on Rock Star. They decided to turn front-runner Dilana into the queen bitch. We all know that editing can make someone look really bad, but they can't put stuff on tape that didn't happen. Among her highlights:
1) Her telling Ryan that if it weren't for the house band, his performance would've been nothing.
2) After a fan suggesting that she and Ryan share the singing gig for Supernova she said she'd shoot Ryan if that happened.
3) When giving press interviews, she dragged Lukas through the mud by saying he was too moody.
4) Also during the interviews, she said that Magni was only in this for exposure and the same with Toby.

Dave was astounded. I give up. Dave always has the right response anymore. He admitted that he'd mouthed off before and said stupid things to the press, and also warned them that they'd better grow a thick skin, because plenty of people were going to be criticizing them and dogging them relentlessly. (Hi Dave! Love the eyebrows! Love The Panic Channel CD! I've even warmed to One Hot Minute a bit! And you're a great poker player, Dave!)

All this fallout from Dilana after she'd been kicking so much ass. Great television, isn't it? For all we know, Storm was also a complete ass in the interviews, and maybe even Magni or Toby. But we have no idea, because they didn't show any of their stuff. This was the bring Dilana down episode, for sure.

Especially interesting because this came right on the heels of her looking kind of cute in the reality footage the previous night. She and Toby were locked in fighting for a song, and since she'd made him run 'round the pool naked to win the song he wanted, he turned the tables and offered her the same deal. Seeming stunned at first, Dilana then stripped down and streaked, and it was pretty funny. It even gave us the best Dave –T. Lee exchange of the night when they argued over who has the bigger pool for her to come streak at. (Believe it or not, Dave won, as his is, and I quote, "nearly Olympic sized." Reaaaally?? This revelation just as I was warming to Dave anyhow.

Seriously, I've given him plenty of shit, and I don't take it back, because it was fun. But I do have to say that as I feared, after watching him for weeks on this show, I've gained a lot of respect for him. He is a great host. Obviously intelligent, quite the gentleman with Brooke, giving insightful commentary, and he's full of witty repartee. When Storm cracked that she was wearing his corset, he didn't even blink before laughing. And then he turned the tables when Tommy asked her to show more skin (of course he did) and Dave said, "I need the corset back right now."

Also showing a sense of humor that I never expected was Toby. That stunt he pulled, making Dilana run naked round the pool to win the song from him? He privately admitted later that it was particularly satisfying because he didn't want the song at all. Good on ya, Mate! He then came out and did "Layla", which I thought was an odd choice, as it's really known as a guitar song. But Toby re-arranged it nicely to showcase his vocals and he really did sound great on it. He then stripped off his shirt and performed half the song half naked, which the censors did allow. Perhaps because he had ridiculously written "EVS" across his chest? Yes, Dave wondered what the fuck that was. Despite the EVS, Toby showed a spark of life this week, and naturally it landed him in the bottom three.

Before his bottom three performance, he also got the boost of being the chosen one to perform with Supernova. The song wasn't as instantly catchy as Dilana's was last week, but it ended up having a decent hook. But Toby looked alright up there with them. He sounds great, that's for sure. It's just a matter of if his rough and tumble but excessively low-glam style is enough for them.

Joining him in the bottom three were Patrice and Magni. I was glad to see Patrice go. She bored me all the time with her predictable, bland performances. Enough said there. Magni, he had performed "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and I hadn't liked it, to tell the truth. He's got too much of a Bono vibe to pull off Cobain. But last night he did Jimi Hendrix's "Fire" and he did light it up. When in doubt, do a Hendrix song. Everyone loves Jimi, and if you pull it off, you'll get mad props. It worked for Magni, and he'll be around another week.

For some reason that I can't fathom, Ryan wasn't in the bottom three. For the life of me, I can't figure out WHAT this cat's appeal is, and to whom. He seems decent enough, and he's suffered the slings of Dilana's arrows. But still. Watching him is always like watching a complete amateur. Please notice that they never show Jason's critique of him. That's because Jason carries all the credibility juice and I imagine he doesn't give many props to the kid. Sure, Dave praises him, but they also make a point to show Dave LAUGHING through his performances. He praises him in a "What the fuck was that?" kind of way.
Storm was okay. She again picked the hardest song vocally, with Aerosmith's "Cryin'". It looks like she's skimming the bottom three every week, but never landing there. And I've a feeling Tommy and Dave want to keep her sexy-scary ass around as long as possible. I like her. She's a freak even though she's pretty.

Then, of course, there was Lukas. Lukas, along with Ryan, took the slams from Dilana this week. He just kept cocking his carefully shaved eyebrow and pursing his lips and letting it roll off his back, not really returning fire – at least not what they showed in editing. For his performance he did The Killers' "All These Things That I've Done." I love my Vegas-baby Killers. Loathe though I am to admit it, at this point, with Licorice Whip Zayra gone, Lukas really is the only interesting one left. We now know that no one's going to come out dressed in a full body condom. Magni is going to be Bonoish, Toby is going to be slackerish, Storm will have a classy, sexy, kick-your-ass look, Ryan will look absurd no matter what he wears because his main accessory is his squint, Dilana will be trussed up ghoulishly ugly shit, and Lukas will be wearing black.

But though Lukas's performances are still sort of hybrid and rote and mumbly and predictable, he's still got that impish, wannabe weird-o allure that makes me watch him. Let me make it clear – I haven't turned. I don't like him. He's got a cool voice, but he mumbles too fucking much and just like Kathleen Turner with her indeterminate and inexplicable accent, I don't know where the fuck he gets his inflection from, but I know it's as put-on as Billy Joe Armstrong's. But I like Billy Joe, because he has the sense of fun about himself. Lukas just takes himself way too seriously. But I admit it, he makes me watch as he limps and staggers around and cocks that perfectly shaved eyebrow and shakes the shades off his head.

I also have to give props to Lukas for drawing out the "Fuck off" moment from Gilby this week. Everyone was rapt with Lukas's performance, and half the fun is watching him haul himself around the stage and turn around and snarl at the drummer. But Gilby is sick of him turning his back to the audience. Gilby says Supernova will take care of the stuff back there and that Lukas needs to turn around and face the audience all the time. Fuck off, Gilby Clarke. Just fuck off. I may not like Lukas, but at least he's different. Every single piece of advice Gilby gives is so fucking rote and playbook. There is no variation from formula for him. He likes to SAY that people should change it up, but then he doesn't like it when they do. Another example, Toby's "Layla." Toby changed that song around and make a really old, overplayed thing fresh. And Gilby didn't like it. Perhaps he'd have preferred to have taken the stage and picked up his guitar and slaughter the solos the same way he wrecks everything else he tries to play. But the House Band guitarist nailed the shit and I think Gilby knows he's punk'd in every way by that dude.

I hate Gilby. But that's okay. I didn't expect that to happen. All my Navarro disdain has been successfully transferred, and I feel good about it.

Last, let's talk for a minute about Dilana's performance of The Police's "Every Breath You Take." I swear, I'm writing this up now, but my thoughts were the same even before she got the uber-bitch edit on results night. Her performance was okay. I didn't mind the ridiculous pink feather eyelashes, because I've come to expect Dilana to have weird shit on her face and body. When I really cringed though was when she started crooning "Dilana" toward the end of the song. Seriously. I was just like, "The Fuck?" Of course they showed Lukas's reaction, which was to just cock his groomed eyebrow as if silently saying, "The Fuck?"

Here's the thing with Darling Dilana. Way back at the start of the season, she set off my warning bells when she helped Dana. Not because she helped Dana, but because when they asked her why she helped Dana, Dilana answered, "Because I'm a very loving and generous person." She's mentioned a couple times how good her soul is. And THAT is what set off my "bitch alert" meter.

Almost invariably, whether it's business or personal dealings, when someone tells me what a great person they are, the end up not to be. When someone tells me I can trust them, they end up screwing me. When someone says they're generous, they stiff me with bills. When a guy says he likes me and he'll call, he doesn't. It's how it works. And the best part is that these people aren't lying when they say this shit. Most people, they really don't believe the bad shit about themselves. There are always excuses or mitigating circumstances, and even if the behavior is habitual, it's not them, it's everyone else.

It's like playing poker. It's a bluff, but it's a bluff with a big old giant tell, and the people are unconscious of it. If someone's bluffing in poker, and they're an experienced player, and someone tries to suss them out, they know better than to put up a front and say, "I've got the cards" or "I'm not bluffing" That's an instant tell. That's what Dilana did when she said she was such a kind-hearted person. A real poker player knows better. They know that the proper response is, if they have the urge to respond at all, "That's for you to figure out." And that's how most, middle-of-the-road people behave. They don't tell you they're wonderful, and they don't tell you they're rotten. They let you figure it out for yourself.

And when Dilana started crooning her own name during that song, her hand was revealed even before they showed the package clip of the whole week and all her bitchy moves.

Now let me say this, though. I'm not saying that Dilana's rotten or that she doesn't still deserve the job. I'm just saying that Dilana does think quite highly of Dilana – more than she thinks of other people, contrary to what she proclaims -- and that Supernova oughta be aware of that, which they now are.

To her credit, when Dave started roasting her, Dilana knew the proper PR move at that point and she apologized for hurting the others and said she'd made a mistake. When Dave presses as to WHY she did it, she answered that she's just too honest. That, my friends, was also a telling comment. She also mentioned that it's a competition. It's not that she doesn't know how to lie. She chose not to, and she stuck it directly to her biggest competition (Lukas and Magni) and the one guy that she sees as beneath her (Ryan) who's been garnering praise.

So it was a good week for entertainment value, even with Zayra gone. Tommy, I will briefly note, seemed like he'd been drinking from Paula Abdul's cup once again. Perhaps tonight when I get home I'll get a screencap of the watershed moment, when Tommy was slunk way down on the couch, waving a sweet bye-bye to Patrice. If you didn't see that, you truly missed one of the highlights.

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