Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Southern Gentleman vs. Viking

So, it appears as though it's not just me who's trying to fill the two week void until the Blood finale, and the news this week is sure to break a million fangirly hearts. Seems as though everyone jumped the gun with their dislike of Evan Rachel Wood's portrayl of the crazy Queen, as we now have a layer of festering jealousy to slather onto our disappointment. Seems that she and Alexander Skarsgard are doing it!

First, I have to say that she has definitely upgraded. I applaud her, definitely.

Second -- WHAT, exactly, sort of crazy pheromones are flying around that True Blood set? I'm starting to get the idea that the set is more sex-soaked off camera than one of Maryann's crazy orgies! First Anna and Stephen, and now these two. I guess if you sign up for a True Blood scene, you'd best be prepared to do some off camera sexing with a co-star. In other words, even MORE reason to love the show, now from an actor's standpoint. The funniest part, though? Why does Ryan "Jason Fuckin' Stackhouse" Kwanten not seem to be getting any onset? Or did he hook up with Lizzy Caplan? (I still miss her.) Then again, considering this was the summer of Skarsgard, with everyone from Entertainment Weekly to TV Guide losing their minds (and panties) to him, I guess it's not so surprising that we'd be getting info about his hookups.

Third -- and the perfect segue here -- here's hoping that ERW as the Queen brings it more in her scenes with Eric next week, given that there probably was some actual chemistry already sparking at that time. Perhaps she, too, was just in Viking thrall and that's why her scenes with Bill fell flat.

As for the show, I don't really care at this point who Sookie hooks up with, Bill or Eric. She can stay with Bill as long as she keeps having crazy (and graphic) sex dreams about Eric. But as a general Team Bill vs. Team Eric comparison, I figured that I'd lay out the pros and cons of each one. Because even though it's probably already obvious who I favor, I think there are a some interesting details to consider. Therefore...


Keeps a clean house, and is even currently trying to get the furnishings and electrical codes updated to a more recent century.

Is a considerate host, always quick with Frescas or fireside toast, even if the Fresca isn't served cold. (some of those furnishings/appliances still haven't been updated to the early 20th century yet, let alone 21st.)

Is devoted enough to Sookie to turn down ramdom, one-off, steamy dressing-room sex, even if it makes him come off like a homosexual. (though, who would mind being thought of as gay if your assumed partner is, well, this:)

Is a very attractive man, even if, and I quote Bridget Jones here, he should seriously reconsider the length of his sideburns.

Though he flirts awkwardly by making inappropriately suggestive cracks about the femoral artery, he's always willing to open his own wrist when his mate is...dying.


Like I said, Eric is something akin to Tony Soprano. He's an upper-middle management vampire who's accumulated quite a bit of power and fortune over the years, yes. But he accomplished that by taking no shit. It's always prudent to keep in mind that your potential boyfriend does have his own personal dungeon. Worse, if he's provoked, he's likely to literally rip you into pieces.

However, on the upside, Eric, though he claims inability to comprehend the popular vernacular which describes the feelings -- and, in fact, even claims to no longer have feelings, he has shown a propensity for love that spills over into reverence.

If you are pondering cumbersome baggage, Bill comes equipped with the ex from hell. Meanwhile, Eric comes with the greatest undead accessory ever -- Pam! Yay Pam!

Now, let's talk for a minute about their courting techniques. Both share a grotesque affinity for getting their romantic prospects interested in them by having them drink their blood. However, let's examine the way in which they convince their crush to ingest.

Bill. This "old fashioned southern gentleman" was inexplicably late to meet Sookie one very dark evening and she got nearly beaten to death. He did, of course, open his vein to save her life.

Eric, on the other hand, intentionally placed himself between a bomb and Sookie and took shrapnel/silver bullets for her that could have actually killed him. Then, while wounded, he tricked her into sucking out the bullets so that she would swallow his blood. Unseemly, yes. But at least he didn't let her come to grave physical harm.

Also, Eric can fly. Literally. Fly. That's pretty fucken cool!

However, in the Bill column, when he was exposed to Arlene's kids, Bill displayed patience and a gentle indulgence. Eric, however, looked at them with an unsettling mixture of fascination and...hunger. Then again, if you're not a kid person, I suppose this one could go in the Eric column.

On the downside for Eric, he has displayed a certain amount of vanity. Two words: highlight foils.

On the upside for Eric, his careful grooming habits result in him looking like this:

Whereas, once again, Bill and those goddamn sideburns:

Then again, in the big plus side for Bill, once he does fall in love, he's obviously willing to sacrifice himself to help Sookie at any cost. Even letting this happen to himself:

Unfortunately for Bill, while he looks like a charred hot mess, this is what Eric looks like.

I think the choice is obvious.

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