Monday, October 22, 2007

This Trick is a Treat!

So, did any of you catch Sandra Lee's Halloween specials this weekend? If you missed them, fear not, as they're replaying today and tomorrow, and, as a special bonus, they're going to air her hour long special where she decorates the bejesus out of a mansion and dresses like a princess and has Tyler Florence stop by to humiliate him.

Anyhow, a brief recap of the Halloween festivities this weekend. In the first show, Sandy was moved out of her kitchen and hosted a shindig in what was done up to look like a creepy cellar, and she dressed up as Marilyn Monroe, Vivien Leigh, Liz Taylor (she looked more like Cher) and Audrey Hepburn!

For the Marilyn costume, it was the classic "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" pink dress, including the satin gloves! Sandy was shocked, SHOCKED, I tell you at how it wasn't so hard to cook in the satin gloves. It wasn't difficult because she cooked prefab, frozen buffalo chicken tenders! I shit you not. That's classic Sandra Lee, folks. She takes the frozen prepared chicken tenders out of the bag with her tongs and then sprinkles some sesame seeds or poppy seeds or some crap on them and VIOLA that's cooking a treat, people!

As you can see, she was thrilled to be Marilyn, but the mere thought of even heating up the chicken -- on a cooking show -- was too much for Sandy to bear.

But things really got into her zone when it was cocktail time! She made "dragon's blood punch." Now, for as much as I laugh at SL's "cooking," let me tell you something. (And I tell you this as a bona-fide boozehound myself.) Sandy can make drinks, yo. Her cocktails generally kick ass. I think she was already semi-ho-hammered by the time she got all gussied up as Audrey Hepburn, cause she said something incoherent about how she has to make her own drinks because she refuses to accept a drink from disapproving gentlemen. I don't know. But she whipped up that dragon's blood punch and was on-the-ball enough to warn people to stop at a certain point before adding the liquor to serve the drink to little gentlemen. But she didn't taste test the kiddy-friendly recipe. She poured herself some vodka into the glass and then looked happy taste-testing it.

Those were the main highlights from that show, but the next day they aired the Sandy special where she dressed up in all the classic drag queen uniforms! I'm telling you, she'd make Frank Marino squeal with glee. Cher, Babs, Madonna, and Liza. Good shit man! And startling how much she looked like Babs! But you could tell she really got a kick out of being Cher. Tossing her hair, tongue in cheek, and, again, being careful to not make anything near an open flame lest her wig or feathers treat us to some pyrotechnical delights.

After that, she got her vogue on and bravely told us that Madonna is the best singer ever! Also of note in the following picture? Check out her mixer and blender! I told you that she changes them every show to match her kitchen! (oh yeah, her kitchen goes from yellow to green to pink every day. It's crazy.) So for Halloween? A black mixer, and an ORANGE blender!

But the best? The best came when she appropriately put on the Liza costume for cocktail time. And holy shit did she go Liza with the drink, man! Even I was shocked at what she pulled out this time. She made a Vampire's Kiss martini. It all started off well enough with her chilling a shitload of vanilla vodka. She poured that in a glass which she'd rimmed with red simple syrup, and then, to dress it up for Halloween, she dropped in a plastic set of vampire teeth. Evs, you know? I'd still drink it. Then, to give it some lovely blood color, she dropped in Chambord. Still, extremely drinkable. But now I want you to look at this picture.

Of note is the booze cabinet behind her, but don't get distracted by that. Look at the bottles she's using in this drink. You see the martini glass she's pouring the vodka into. Next to it is the Chambord, and next to that is the vanilla vodka. But next to that is the true killer. There it is, photographic proof of what she did next. You can see the pumpkin, and the green bottle is partially obscured by the glass of licorice which she used to garnish the drink. But you can see it, can't you? You know what that is, don't you? You don't? It's Jagermeister, man! She dropped some fucking JAGER in the drink to give it some kick! Here. I diagramed it for you in case you've had a few cocktails yourself:

Then she closed the show with her decorating tips by showing us how to create a spooky tablescape by using ratty-ass gauze.

I LOVE SANDRA LEE! Her and her crazy kitchen blenders and outlandish costumes and pre-cooked chicken tenders and terribly tacky tablescapes and mostly her Jagermeister martinis! This chick knows how to party, okay?

And if you're sitting there asking what's the big deal about adding Jager to a martini, I can't help you. But I will tell you this. Whip up some dragon's blood punch or a vampire's kiss martini and then sit back and watch the next Sandra Lee while you snort your second drink. It'll give you a new perspective on this show.

You go on, Sandra Lee. As always, I'll be watching. Until then, keep it silly, keep it simple, keep it soused, and always keep it semi-homemade!

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