Marie Osmond definitely wins the award for most memorable TV moment this week, possibly this whole month, with her samba slip-of-consciousness. Frickin' Marie. Who would've guessed she'd be so much fun? I remember seeing her brother Donny on a Fear Factor episode about a year ago and how he was a total thrill-seeker, which kind of surprised me. But I think Marie has just forever cemented her celebrity status above his with that stunt, in case there was ever any rivalry between them in that area.
I'm still enjoying DWTS this season, even if it has been sort of slow-going overall so far. But there are highlights. Bruno, as ever, is delightfully over-the-top with his insane and inane comments, but the big surprise this year is Len Goodman and his unabashed crush on Jennie Garth. It's pretty cute. Samantha Harris being back bugs me. I liked Drew. He had balls last week when he gave the funk-eye to Wade Robson backstage. And Samantha went grade-A twunty when she tried to put Mel B on the spot last night by asking her who she thought should be in the bottom two.
The shocker for me this season? My unabashed crush on Helio Castroneves. What is it about this show? Every year I say no one will get to me. But then there was Drew. Then Emmitt. Then Joey. Now Helio? I have to say, though, I thought he was cute on the show. Him and his dimples and his dancing and constant repetition of "I'm a race car driver." But then I had the misfortune of seeing this picture of him and it was like looking at pure, undiluted sex. I can't even bring myself to post the picture here because it makes me feel so dirty. It's ridiculous. I didn't even mind his Sprockets-esque sequined shirt this week. Okay. Yes I did mind the shirt. It totally cooled my lust. But then I got all crushy again when he couldn't muster the magic to be faux-attracted to Julianne for a dance. I mean, she's hot and all, but she's also jailbait. I thought it was a little strange that the judges should be pushing a thirty year old man to act lustful about a youngster like that. But, showbiz, whatever. Maybe I don't get it.
And I learned how much I didn't get it when Julianne showed her "professionalism" this week by doing a super-sexy dance to J Lo's performance...with her brother. It was just...icky. I mean, there was a chair and lapdance at one point! Professionalism is one thing. The incestuous version of Showgirls is quite another to be subjected to at nine p.m. on a Tuesday. Twisting the knife courteously was Tom Bergeron, making sure to inform us that the producers don't choreograph that shit -- the dancers themselves do! Maybe the Houghs have been huffing the left-over aerosol from the Mystic Tan cans to come up with that routine, but the whole thing just gave me unseemly flashbacks to Angelina Jolie-James Haven red carpet shenanigans.
Also, a random question -- why is Florence Henderson always hanging around the audience?
I don't have any sort of slick segue from Florence to talk about serial killers in Miami, so I'll just jump in about Dexter this week. This show? Cracking me up! I totally did NOT see the twist coming that Laguerta had been the one banging Esmee's fiance! I thought it was strange when Esmee was having her public meltdown and Maria refused to talk shit about her, but it still didn't connect. Just a total stroke of brilliance there. I love you Gloria/Lauren/Maria!
But the best? Masuka telling Dexter that he's had a big break in the Bay Harbor Butcher case, and Dex blurts out, "Bullshit! Oh. I mean, really?"
Oh! I just found a connective tissue I could've used as the segue -- Dex walking in on his sis when she was banging the boxer boy. Now, see, that was funny, not creepy. Okay, maybe a little creepy. But in a funny-creepy way. Not in a shudder-creepy, I-wish-I-had-lost-consciousness-like-Marie-and-never-seen-that way.