So, Sookie and Jason finally rolled back home to Bon Temps last night to find the town in tatters on account of nearly every single resident having fallen under the spell of Maryann and therefore having gone batshit crazy. That's the love of True Blood -- just when you start pining for a zombie movie instead of vampires, it's a whole zombie episode. And they're zombies who love to drink and lick nacho cheese off of naked women. Excellent.
Maryann has gone off the rails, preparing her "wicker man" sacrifice for Dionysus/Bacchus, rounding up all the kobe beef she can find along with a dead crow while making everyone else hunt down poor Sam. As for Sookie returning home? I have been WAITING for her to come and find Maryann squatting in her house, hosting orgies, and wearing Gran's clothes. I figured Sookie'd go utter bitchcakes about it. But it got exponentially worse. When Sook got home, her place looked like the Blair Witch had hosted a Delta toga party. I mean, it was fuuuuuucked up. But before Sookie could really get her glare on, she realized that Maryann was the man-bull that attacked her, and Maryann attacked her again. Bill, always being two steps behind, did not realize this. So he tried to attack Maryann, and as we all know, vampire blood doesn't like maenad blood, so he started frothing at the mouth, convulsing, and barfing black shit all over Sookie's already messed up living room floor.
Okay, I laughed. I laughed even harder when he kept puking the black shit out her car window. It was just -- funny. So very Bill. Meanwhile, in the "what is Sookie" forever ongoing question, we got a new clue when Sookie got defensive of Bill and pushed Maryann's face away -- and made her own hand light up like ET's finger.
The fuck? (Okay, book readers know what Sookie is, but I'm shocked they're dancing around answering this so quickly on the show.) But as cool as Sookie's special effects were, it was, surprisingly, once again, Jason fucking Stackhouse who kicked the majority of ass! First, he got one of the best laughs of the night when people started talking about Daphne -- the formerly new waitress at Merlotte's being dead -- when Jason piped up cheerily, "There's a new waitress at Merlotte's?" That's our horndog Stackhouse, alright. At least it is a nice perk for the waitresses, especially considering that "new waitress at Merlotte's" is basically a fatal position. It's like the drummer for Spinal Tap. But at least you know you'll get to screw Jason Stackhouse before you meet your gruesome demise.
But Jason just got better from there. He armed himself with all the redneck ammunition he could find -- a chainsaw, flares, and a nailgun -- and then busted Sam and Andy out of the clutches of the zombiefied minions.
You know serious shit is going down when Andy and Jason work together, and it ended up being hilarious, with Andy holding that makeshift stick-horns for Jason as he played God in a gasmask with bad lighting. But then it got even more hilarious as Sam played along, instructing Jason, "Smite me." Jason: "What?" Sam: "Smite me, motherfucker!" And then Sam "disappears", Jason and Andy are confused as shit, but Jason-as-God blesses the zombies and tells them they've earned good weather and good crops and disperses them. And then Sam shows up, in only an apron, with his cute little buttocks hanging out the back, extinguishing the torches like it's nothing as Andy and Jason stand there all confused.
And, before all that transpired, Andy locked himself into my heart forever, when he and Sam were literally running for their lives from zombie minions, he still took the time to grab a bottle of booze!
Also hilarious last night? Hoyt's mom Maxine. She, too, fell under the spell of Maryann, but good boy Hoyt tried to keep her protected, so he hosted her at Vampire Bill's house and let her play Bill's Wii. She looked like Paula Dean had buttered up and eaten Divine, and between her Wii outbursts:
And her trying to sexually molest Jason (of course, it's always Jason), she was just outrageous!
Perhaps, if she's really serious about Jason, she ought to apply for the "new waitress" position at Merlotte's, seeing how Daphne has recently vacated the position.
Always awesome Lafayette was also on his game as he and Tara's mom tried to scare the zombieness out of her. First he quoted scripture, shocking Lettie Mae, until he explained, "Jesus and I agree to see other people but that don't mean we don't talk from time to time." He then slapped the crap out of devil-Tara and declared "This has got to be the worst motherfuckin' intervention in history." But it was eventually Rutina Wesley who owned, first being creepy as hell, and then utterly heartbreaking when the combined efforts of Bill and Sookie finally pulled her out of zombiefication.
Of course, this episode wasn't much more than filler, but it was so damn funny that I certainly didn't mind. And at this point, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that, as bit players go, I love Jane Bodehouse. I would definitely party with Jane, whether she's a zombie or not. Losing her pants, forgetting that she's supposed to notify servants of the underworld that they've captured their prey, and then giddily asking to be "debriefed" out in the parking lot. You go on with your black-eyed self, Jane Bodehouse!
Given the events of the evening, there wasn't a lot of time for Eric. But he was there at the very start of the episode, again in Sookie's dreams. Reason number 37 to love Sookie Stackhouse? When she dreams of Eric, she always dreams of him shirtless! YAY SOOKIE! Go Team Skarsgard Shirtless! We are kicking as much ass as Jason Stackhouse these days! Sookie imagined comforting Eric after Godric's demise, and though I can understand that Eric would be upset, and that this was just a dream, I really hope Sookie doesn't do to Eric what she did to Bill, which was, pardon the pun, but metaphorically defang him. I was completely wrong about biting, because she specifically did imagine Eric popping fang and biting her this dream.
While I enjoy the shirtlessness, and while I can understand Eric's grief, I really hope Sookie doesn't get him totally pussywhipped like she did Bill. Then again, considering that we know her blood tastes different than other humans' to vamps, and now with this nifty lighting-hand trick she's unleashed, Godric only knows what the hell she's doing to them in bed, I guess, to get them so tangled up in their underwear for her.
I can not WAIT to see what happens next week, now that Bill has gone to the Queen for help with the Maryann situation. But something else has also occurred to me. Then, the next week is Labor Day, and you know how HBO is about airing episodes on holidays. I really think they're going to make us wait 2 weeks for the season finale. That makes me feel like Hoyt seeing Jessica attack his crazy-ass mama. "FUCK NO!"
Oh yeah, I'll be getting a lot of play out of that gif, once again courtesy of Sophistabitch.