Neon Fiction

I'm with Coco

2011-04-12T10:18:00.000-07:00

File this under a couple of pathetic sections. First, how the chronically unemployed fills her time. Second, how lowering the bar on goals makes for excessive happiness when they're met. Fulfillment through silly expectations is still wonderful fulfillment. So, here's what I managed to accomplish in the past month. I got a picture on Conan last night. YAY!

As you may know (should know if you're a Conan O'Brien viewer) is that Coco loves to keep his fans engaged. He's got his "ha ha I made an error" thing going on right now and they've also just opened the Coco Moca -- the Museum of Conan Art. Before the Coco Moca was even opened though, they had used fan art as bumpers after commercial breaks, so I made it my mission to get a piece on the show. So I basically frittered away a month doing drawings of Conan. Not a bad way to spend a month. (Some would argue that, but, fuck 'em!) Anyhow, when I saw they'd opened the Coco Moca, I was lucky enough to have a picture on the front page there, and I figured my TV aspirations were shot to shit. But then last night I did a string dance of joy when I saw one of my works appear just before the Chris O'Donnell segment. YAY!

Thank you Team Coco. And let this be a lesson to you, kids. Keep cool, my babies, and remember that sophomoric priorities and irrelevant determination actually can lead to validation.

Into the Sunset - ABNA Quarterfinalist

2011-04-06T19:17:00.000-07:00

Congrats to Don Capone! His comic novel, Into the Sunset is a quarterfinalist in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Awards. That's whittled down to just 250 entries from an original 5,000! Yay, and well deserved!

Check out his excerpt right here.

Big Sex Little Death by Susie Bright

2011-03-16T20:30:00.000-07:00

I just found out that superstar Susie Bright has just released a memoir, Big Sex Little Death. The book is now available at Amazon and your local bookstores, and it's getting tons of advance praise. I just ordered my copy and can't wait to check it out. Susie will also be doing an extensive book tour, so you can check to see if she's coming to your town. Details of the book tour, along with info about the book are all available right here.

The Other Life by Ellen Meister

2011-02-17T14:48:00.000-08:00

Funny and talented writer Ellen Meister's new book The Other Life is now available!

What if you could return to the road not taken?

Happily married with a young son and another child on the way, Quinn Braverman has the perfect life. She also has an ominous secret. Every time she makes a major life decision, she knows an alternative reality exists in which she made the opposite choice-not only that, she knows how to cross over. But even in her darkest moments-like her mother's suicide-Quinn hasn't been tempted to visit . . . until she receives shattering news about the baby she's carrying.

Desperate to escape her grief, Quinn slips through the portal that leads to her other life: the life in which she stayed with her exciting but neurotic ex- boyfriend, and is childless. The life in which-as she is amazed to discover-her mother is still very much alive.

Quinn is soon forced to make an impossible choice. Will she stay with the family she loves and face the painful challenges that lie ahead? Or will a more carefree life-and the primal lure of being with her mother-pull her into her other life for good?

This gripping emotional journey is both shocking and poignant . . . as the bonds of love are put to the ultimate test.

I've already read it, and I LOVED this book. It's a poignant story about choices, regret, hope, love, and family, and Ellen manages to do the near impossible. She lets the readers have their cake and eat it, too, because this book has a powerful, page-turning plot that's full of twists and turns, excitement and heartbreak, and even some laughs and entertainment, which is what makes it so commercially appealing. But it's not all fluff and frosting. It's written deftly, with a keen eye for detail and a wonderful use of all the symbolic, metaphoric, and subtle tricks in a literary fiction writer's arsenal that elevate it and give it depth and weight. It's just the best of both worlds.

One of my main complaints with a lot of modern literary fiction is that it's not much more than a bunch of ennui the main character "suffers" through. In "The Other Life," Meister's Quinn is an expectant mother who gets the most devastating news possible -- her child isn't well. This isn't drama that propels this story. It's actual serious problems. Quinn is a wonderful character that you'll care deeply about, while also falling in love with the rest of her family.

At one point in the story, Quinn's mother, an artist, has a heated discussion with her mother in law about why cultural experiences are important. Quinn's mom ends up simply stating, "Because it's art." And that is, happily, what this book is. A work of art.

Strut - A Run Devil Run novella

2011-02-14T11:43:00.000-08:00

A couple weeks ago I posted about the cool new anthology of books based on LA rock band Run Devil Run's songs. This week, my book in the series has been released. It's titled Strut, and it's a Cinderella story based on the song of the same name by RDR.

Rachel Carrington made me a super cool book trailer for it, and you can check that out right here. You'll hear part of the song during the trailer, but you can check out the full tune right here at Run Devil Run's facebook page.

Now here's the best part. My book cover.

Isn't that awesome? That's the band's drummer, Dave Plesh. I'd seen pictures of the band before I started the project, and right away I was all about their drummer, Dave. So, naturally, to make sure I'd snag him for the cover photo, I made one of my characters a drummer. My (not so) clever ploy worked, and I ended up with him on the cover. Hot, right?

And remember, if you buy the book, you get a free download of the song to go with it.

Here's the book blurb:
California girl Lisa is living a very un-Hollywood life, and that’s just fine by her. She took over her father’s pool service business and enjoys sunny days and a quiet home life with her mom. But one of the guys on her crew who moonlights as musician occasionally puts an extra spring in her step, and when she starts facing financial pressures, she starts wondering if there might be a few things she’s missing. Then her mom finds out that one of Lisa’s premier clients possesses a mysterious and enigmatic pair of shoes that are rumored to change fortunes, and lives, for those who wear them.

Will Lisa decide to take a walk on the wild side and test the powers of the supposedly serendipitous high heels? And do the shoes really possess magical powers that could make Lisa’s Cinderella dreams come true? Or is what Lisa really wants just a click of her heels away in the form of a smoldering rock drummer? From swank Beverly Hills days to sexy Sunset Strip nights, Lisa is on the cusp of finding out what really makes LA glitter.

Strut -- buy now for $2.99

also available at Amazon for $3.99

YAY to Train!

2011-02-14T11:39:00.000-08:00

Grammy number two! And that lead singer of theirs is still damn fine.

Run Devil Run

2011-01-27T15:30:00.000-08:00

So, there's this hot rock band in L.A. called Run Devil Run. They're pretty well known in L.A. for their live shows, and they've got an acoustic one coming this Saturday, Jan 29 at Beachfront 301. Now, they've also done this pretty cool thing in the publishing world. Heather Bennett of Decadent Publishing came up with the idea to have stories written based on their songs, and Run Devil Run agreed. So they've let the writers use their titles, lyrics, and even their faces for the book covers. The novellas will be available first in e-book format, and then collected into a print anthology. And the absolute coolest part is that when you buy one of the novellas, you also get a free download of the Run Devil Run song that inspired it. Can't beat that fuckin' deal, huh?

I tell you about this because I was lucky enough to write one of the novellas. Mine will be out in a couple weeks, and I'll tell you more about it then. (Including my sly subterfuge to snag the band member that I was smitten with for my cover image.) But the first novella is being released today. It's by well known romance writer Rachel Carrington.

Rachel's story is titled Share Your Soul and it's available right here. I was lucky enough to get an advance read of it, and I thought it was great. Here's the lowdown on what I thought about it:
Like many women, Olivia wants revenge on her ex-husband. Unlike most women, the reason she wants revenge is because he killed her. For the past five years, she's been lingering as a ghost, trying to formulate a plan to bring him to justice, which is a particularly tall order because he's already been tried -- and exonerated -- for her murder. Then, Olivia finally gets her break when another spirit refers her to someone who can potentially help her -- the mysterious and powerful Gabriel.

With "Share Your Soul." Carrington creates a sultry and moody romantic suspense with a twist of the paranormal. The sparks between Olivia and Gabriel leap off the page, and it's impossible to not keep turning the pages.

Now, as an extra special bonus, with this first novella, you actually will get TWO free downloads from Run Devil Run. You'll get "Dance All Night" right away, and then, later on, you'll get a download of their new song, "Go."

So, for real. I love the RDR songs, and I loved Rachel's story. So check it out. And here is her book cover, featuring Jeremy Aric, the lead singer of Run Devil Run.

The Larry Sanders Show

2011-01-16T13:26:00.000-08:00

One of the funniest shows ever made never made it to DVD. It was an HBO show from the early '90s starring Garry Shandling as talk show host Larry Sanders. It was clever, outrageous, witty, and surprising. The cast, including Rip Torn, Jeffrey Tambor, Janeane Garofalo, and Jeremy Piven, was unbelievable, and the guest stars were superb. IFC has started running this show, and if you like to laugh, I highly recommend you check it out. If nothing else, be sure to catch "The Spider Episode" which is running this week.

Happy New Year

2010-12-27T20:09:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone enjoyed the holidays. Mine were nice, and I certainly don't have anything to complain about. One thing I did notice this season, though, regarding my mood/attitude/whatever you want to call it -- I've always been very lucky in the sense that I'm easily amused. I've also found over the years that there are tricks to sort of fake my way to happiness. Even if I'm not in a great mood, I can fake it until it becomes an actual good mood.

But the holiday season usually inspires a bit more than happiness. All that merry-making and celebrating and festivity and eating and drinking and decorating and giving and receiving are usually catalysts that hit a critical mass to formulate something more potent and rare. Joy.

And this year, I realized that I can't fake my way to joy. I can get to content and even happy, but that final, wonderful leap to joy isn't something I can fabricate. It either happens or doesn't. This year, it didn't. And that's okay, cause, like I said, I was happy enough. But it also made me realize something else that's been going on for quite a while.

When I started writing, it was fun. There was, as lame as this sounds, an element of joy. When I started this blog, it was also out of fun. It's expected that writers have blogs to promo their works, but without going into a long diatribe of my personal peccadilloes, promoing my own stuff is difficult for me. But I figured I could slip in a few obnoxious posts about my books between other stuff that was enjoyable. So I did have fun. Seriously. As silly as it sounds, I got a kick out of working myself into a lather to bash Chris Daughtry. Good times, good times. Over the years, that enthusiasm has dropped off. This is not a commentary on the state of entertainment at all. I've always been capricious in my interests, and I assume this is another, normal "seven year itch" situation. For example, if the sight of my beloved Conan returning to late night -- wearing jeggings -- wasn't enough to inspire a giddy essay, I don't think very much will.

This is all subject to change, of course. Maybe I'm just lazy right now, or having trouble sitting my ass in a chair to write. But until that potential time that the pendulum swings back and I once again feel it appropriate to knock out some frothy, lunatic rantings about whatever, I didn't want to keep feeling guilty for only posting promo notices.

So this is my official acknowledgment that this blog has, indeed, devolved into not much more than a place to slap up notices about my writing. As you can imagine, given what I've just told you about my general apathy towards writing, those will also probably become less frequent. But I feel better about at least being blunt with the admission that I'm no longer making the effort to entertain here. I apologize for it, but I also thank you if you ever came here expecting to be entertained, because that's the biggest compliment I could've ever asked for.

So with that, I thank you for stopping by in the past, for reading this now, and I hope you'll continue to check back once in a while in case I either have smashing good news or do rebound with some vicious commentary. Until then, I wish you a very happy new year. I hope it's full of health and happiness, and, hopefully, even some smatterings of genuine joy.

House Money - CAPA Nominee

2010-12-24T10:40:00.000-08:00

The Romance Studio has just released its annual CAPA nominees for the best in romantic fiction for 2010. My book, House Money has been nominated for Best Romantic Suspense. YAY! That's the best Christmas present I could ask for.

Kindle edition - only $3.99

Shuffle Up -- RT Reviewers Choice Nominee!!

2010-11-30T12:01:00.000-08:00

And the good news just keeps rolling in for Shuffle Up and Deal. It is nominated for a Romantic Times Reviewers' Choice Best Book Award for Best Small Press Erotic Romance/Fiction! (scroll down the page to get to the small press section)

So happy and excited!

Paperback - $15.75

Kindle - $2.50

Shuffle Up at The Romance Reviews

2010-11-30T11:57:00.000-08:00

Just got in another very cool review for Shuffle Up and Deal. This one is from The Romance Reviews. Michelle R said it's "My favorite romantic comedy of the year."

Yay!

White Lightning by GC Smith

2010-11-30T11:51:00.000-08:00

White Lightning: Murder in the World of Stock Car Racing is the debut novel from GC Smith.

E.Z. Carter is the team manager of White Lightning racing. He's got a checkered past, but a very bright future. White Lightning, owned by his wife Addie, is near the top on the circuit and is within reach of the championship with just a couple more wins. But things take a sudden and dark turn when their star driver, Fairman Slinger, wins a heated race under a cloud of suspicion. Worse, that night, Slinger's wife is found murdered at the hotel -- and it's E.Z. who discovers the body. Competing team owners, suspicious cops, and E.Z.'s troubled past all congeal to make this an expolsive -- and potentially devastating situation.

Smith gives us genuine southern voices and flair, and there's plenty of stock car action to keep things revved. E.Z. is a likeable hero, and Addie is a firecracker as they lead us through the world of stock car racing and this mystery. Just like a NASCAR race, this story is fast, fun, and full of dangerous turns.

Paperback - $13.50
Kindle - $5.00

Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T12:49:00.000-08:00

I have plenty to be thankful for, not least of which is readers, because without them, there'd be no need for writers. So I am thankful for all the wonderful readers on this Thanksgiving.

Though writing comes easily to me, the business of writing and publishing are not always the most breezy and fun areas to navigate. It's very easy to become jaded, discouraged, or downright bitter in this industry. Therefore, I'm also indebted to the wonderful publishers and editors who've helped me along to either make my work better or further my career, or, often, done both at once. Liz Burton at Zumaya and Dan Reitz at Mundania are just aces. Zane and Maxim Jakubowski, by publishing my work, have made me feel like I earn the right to call myself a writer. And Susie Bright made me feel like a writer who was doing something right.

I'm not the easiest person to get to know, or to get along with. I know that. Really, I do. But, somehow, there've been a few people who've been able to tolerate me long enough that I consider them not just colleagues, but friends.

Ellen Meister is the kind of writer, who, at a quick glance, could inspire insidious jealousy. She's gotten the big deals and had successful books. But instead of inspiring envy, she simply inspires, because she is the kind of talent that gives one faith in the system. She is a wonderful writer -- full of humor and great plots and unforgettable characters. Even better, and just as rare in this world, she is a truly classy dame.

Donna George Storey elevates sex with smarts, infusing elegance and culture and beautifully languid word precision into truly sultry situations. She's also a fine friend, both caring and considerate and always ready with a joke.

William Reese Hamilton takes me to bygone eras I've never known and brings them to life just as he enlightens me with vivid depictions of far-off corners of the world. Better, he's always close with an encouraging word or unabashed praise.

Last, but certainly not least, is the incomparable Donald Capone. He's a better writer than probably even he knows -- full of life and humor. And he's also the most generous person I've ever met. Time, money, and work, he gives it all away freely by being a renaissance man in the realm of publishing. Cover designs, editing, publishing, critiquing, and promoting -- I've never seen anyone give back so much to so many other writers. Alas, no one's perfect, not even Don. Witty and giving as he is, he's also a Yankee fan. I am so grateful to know Don, but also grateful he's got that fatal flaw that keeps me from developing a mad, hopeless crush on him.

Reviewers. There's a double-edged sword. Of course, writers are tremendously thrilled and flattered when they get praise, and a good review makes the arduous endeavor seem worthwhile. So I am most certainly thankful for all the readers who've taken the time to read my work, and then gone the extra step to review it kindly. As this is a kindly holiday, a lot of people would be classy and thank all reviewers, for both the good and the bad. But this is Thanksgiving, not "I've lost my fucking mind and balls day" so, really, if I'm being perfectly honest, I'm not feeling so kindly inclined toward the bad reviews. Basically, if you trashed my work, there's a pretty high chance that you're either thickskulled or twunty, or possibly both.

Of course, that does come with a caveat. If you trashed my work using adjectives such as hard, rough, or edgy, then I probably took it as a compliment even if you were abundantly clear that wasn't your intention. Bonus points if the negativity was due to my preponderance of filthy material. And triple score if there were then comments about me being overly sentimental or gushy. Those are exactly the sort of comments that make my dark soul brighter, my nasty, libidinous pulse quicken, and my mushy heart swell.

Also, I am thankful for vodka.

Community

2010-11-16T20:04:00.001-08:00

I know I've been quiet, and I have no excuse. I'm just not very verbal or vocal these days. But I have, naturally, been busy watching plenty of TV. Of course, I'm watching HBO's Boardwalk Empire. I don't know what to say about this show. I love Steve Buscemi in the lead role, as he brings the gravitas and the only bits of much needed lightness. The sets and costumes are fucking amazing. All the production is top-notch, and the acting is great, too. But I'm just not in love with the show. I want to fall for it. I really do. But when this week's episode ended and they started the next week's previews with "Only Three More Episodes To Go" and I was like, "Thank God!" I realized I probably wasn't going to fall in love with it. But it is good. Just not great. Lacking in some humor. Chiaroscuro, HBO.

What I did love on HBO was Bored to Death. Jason Schwartzman, Ted Danson, and Zach Galifianakis are comedy gold, and the wacky, pulp inspired writing is just zany and self-aware enough. Well done, Jonathan Ames. I hope Zach G doesn't get to be too big of a star to return for another season of this show.

I also enjoyed Showtime's The Big C, mostly because Laura Linney is absolutely luminous. There's just something lovable about her, and when she smiles, it makes me feel good.

But what I really want to say a few words about is NBC's Community. Mostly, I want to talk about it because I'm concerned that no one is watching it and it's going to get cancelled. That'd be a shame, because although the show is admittedly uneven, when it's at its peak, there is nothing better. It's extremely strong on characters, sometimes reminding me of the classic Taxi. Troy and Abed are the best bromance on TV, and Joel McHale really does anchor the show with the perfect mix of arrogance, apathy, and, when needed, heart.

There are throwaway and even crappy episodes. But then there are ones that are almost legendary, such as the Goodfellas chicken finger episode, the paintball episode, this Halloween's zombie-fest, and even this past week's "bottle episode," which proved that Community's cast of characters and the writing is sharp enough to hit brilliance even without the stunt episodes -- although I guess a bottle episode is a stunt in and of itself.

In closing, don't order HBO just for Boardwalk Empire, but do tune in to NBC and help keep Community enrolled. Thanks

Donna George Storey

2010-11-16T20:00:00.000-08:00

And another of my favorite writers, Donna George Storey, has a couple of spicy stories up live to heat up your cold November nights. "Spring Pictures" at Clean Sheets, and "Secret Gardens" at The Erotic Woman. You're welcome!

Alicia Gifford

2010-11-16T19:58:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite short story writers is Alicia Gifford, and she's featured this week at rkvry. There are links to lots of her stories, and I think you'd really enjoy this, because she's entirely unique.

Ellen Meister's The Other Life

2010-11-02T11:19:00.001-07:00

Funny and talented writer Ellen Meister has a new book coming out in January. The book is The Other Life, and it is now available for pre-order, and it sounds like it's going to be a winner.

What if you could return to the road not taken?

Happily married with a young son and another child on the way, Quinn Braverman has the perfect life. She also has an ominous secret. Every time she makes a major life decision, she knows an alternative reality exists in which she made the opposite choice-not only that, she knows how to cross over. But even in her darkest moments-like her mother's suicide-Quinn hasn't been tempted to visit . . . until she receives shattering news about the baby she's carrying.

Desperate to escape her grief, Quinn slips through the portal that leads to her other life: the life in which she stayed with her exciting but neurotic ex- boyfriend, and is childless. The life in which-as she is amazed to discover-her mother is still very much alive.

Quinn is soon forced to make an impossible choice. Will she stay with the family she loves and face the painful challenges that lie ahead? Or will a more carefree life-and the primal lure of being with her mother-pull her into her other life for good?

This gripping emotional journey is both shocking and poignant . . . as the bonds of love are put to the ultimate test.

Congrats Sue & The Pegasus

2010-10-26T13:57:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to Sue Nami! Her book As The Pegasus Flies is a finalist in the 2010 USA Book News Awards! Well deserved!

And you can also check recent installments on The Pegasus Blog.

Capone Interview in Eclectica

2010-10-22T12:29:00.000-07:00

My good friend and talented writer Don Capone interviewed me for Eclectica Magazine. It's live right now, right here. He's funny, you'll like it, check it out.

And while you're there, browse the rest of the current issue of Eclectica, featuring a great story, "Keepers of the Faith" by William Reese Hamilton.

In Need of a Transfusion

2010-09-13T20:12:00.001-07:00

Both True Blood and Entourage have wrapped up for the summer, but it was, sadly, neither an exciting nor satisfying night.

Out in Hollywood, Ari tried to pull all stops to save his marriage but he fell flat and his wife left him. Meanwhile, E's impending wedded bliss took a hit as his fiancee's father requested he sign a pre-nup, which was, sadly, the funniest part of the show. I have grown to finally like E and even his tiff with Scott Caan has been some of the smirkier funny material this year. But, that was all small game as the ticking bomb that was Vince finally went off, as much as Vince can. First, I will say that it's been a breakthrough year for Adrian Genier, as he's been particularly good this year as he gets crabby, high, frustrated, bombed, lovesick, high and then bitchy again. He's done a good job with the role. And I don't really mind the VH-1 "Behind the Music" Vince gets hooked on drugs arc so much. I just think they missed some grand comic moments with it, too.

I mean, this show did used to be a comedy, but this season was treacherously dark and this finale was downright depressing. I used to be able to count on Entourage to always deliver the goods. After the tension and mad scrambles and worries, the miraculous culmination would always happen and the boys would be okay and in a ridiculously better situation. But with Vince bottoming out, it's also caused splinters in the relationships and this year was like watching fucking "Thirtysomething" with the tedious grind of emotional bullshit. I always hated "Thirtysomething" and I don't watch Entourage to feel bad. The coup de grace of it all came as Drama, as always, went way out of his way for "Baby Bro" and was trying like hell to help him. He scuffled with Eminem (okay, that was a little funny) and tried to protect Vince, but Vince got his face all bloodied and bitched out Johnny. NOT ACCEPTABLE! I don't give a fuck how coked out Vince is. Going after Drama is just never forgivable. So between that and the Gold's forced breakup (not particularly well developed, btw) it was just a pisser of a capper to the evening.

Also falling to the devil of drama was True Blood. I've said before that this show is at its campy best when it acknowledges what it is and works within those parameters. But it's been derailing this season with some overly heavy lines and, frankly, piss-poor character turns. This whole business with Sam is stupid. Jason and the HotShot line is fuckin' weird, and, worse, it's boring. Bon Temps used to be a fun place and this show worked because everyone revolved in everyone else's orbit, but they've pulled all the separate storylines apart this year and never brought them back together and so everyone is off doing whatever in their own universe and it's just not cohesive or fun. Tara's hair looks cute, I will say that. But even Lafayette is getting lost going off with Jesus while Arlene has Daddy issues and Godric reappears in visions to Eric. How fucking dumb. If they didn't want to let Godric go, then they shouldn't have killed him. They've gotten to the point with bulletproof characters that all risk and excitement is gone while the cast and storylines bloat and they keep trying to fill the space with dark drama which ends up coming off like exaggerated ennui.

I know they've laid the groundwork for next year's season of the witch, but I'm having a hard time caring anymore past the potential for naked Skarsgard and Manganiello. I did love the King and his storyline and would've been sad to see him go, and I loved his interplay with Sookie in the finale. (Poor Talbot's remains!) And I loved Eric, coming back all covered with concrete goo and sticking it up Bill's ass. I have been WAITING for Sookie to figure out that Bill allowed her to be nearly killed by the Ratrays! And I love that she was too dumb to go there but Eric just throws it right out! But then things turn to shit with the Crouching Queen, Hidden Vampire high-wire fight between Sophie and Bill. I mean, really! Really? Exacerbated only by Sookie's disappearance into fairy-land. *Sigh.* While Entourage leapt wholeheartedly into drama, it seems like Blood just ran headlong into the abyss with a bizarre mix of absurd and boring.

I know it sounds harsh. But it was a quick and sharp decline these past several episodes, and even though Ball himself penned the finale, it was just...lackluster. And that, for a television show, particularly on HBO, is the True Death.

Not Everything is Broken

2010-08-31T19:51:00.000-07:00

Eh, what can I say? I know I've been lax in my commenting on my favorite HBO summer fare, but, it's summer! The good times just keep rolling for me as they do in Bon Temps. What's new? Jason's dating a panther -- bestiality is the one last taboo, huh? Check that off the list for True Blood. In the span of one and a half episodes, Sam became an entirely different character. I know we're all entitled to a bad night, but Godric on stake, people, that was fuckin' weird -- and since weird is a relative term on this show, you know it's hinky. But we've learned he's a killer and now it's haunting him since his little brother who is at this exact moment robbing Sam has stirred up all this aggression and so Sam flips out and calls poor Terry a shellshocked fucker. Boo, hiss! But YAY for the female viewers because Sam is looking mighty fine these days, and he's rarely wearing clothes, so I'll let it all pass.

What else? Lafayette is dating a shaman named Jesus, who may or may not be evil. Or maybe Jesus is dating Lafayette who's a shaman and maybe Laf is just having a bad trip. I don't have a clue how this will tie into the finale, but it might be good. Meanwhile his cousin Tara had a polar reversal with Sam. She found out that Jason scrambled Eggs and though she wanted to go all bloodthirsty on Andy about it, Andy was so pathetically repentant that Tara softened and then decided that nasty Sam was sexy again, so they're doing it. And the best news is that Hoyt and Jessica got back together! YAY! And we got to see Maxine miffed about it! So basically everyone who's not embroiled in the whole King Russell fiasco is getting laid, and I guess that's how Bon Temps got its name.

It's really only Sookie who hasn't gotten some for, oh, I think it's been a day now. But she was making out with Eric! YAY! But then Eric shackled her (YAY!) and professed his maker-love for Pam ("You know I love you more when you're cold and heartless") and set out to set a trap for Russell by telling him that Sookie's fairy blood will allow him to walk in the daylight. Oh yeah! We're allowed to say it now! WHAT IS SOOKIE? FAIRY! She's part fairy, people. And I did love Sook's reaction to that news: "That's so lame!" No, baby girl, it's not lame, it's just that the land of fairies is lame on not-TV HBO. But we'll take the unintentional laughs from that, too.

But, about the King -- I absolutely MUST comment on his madness. It's wonderful! I really wish he'd survive this season, because he's by far the most entertaining bad guy this show has ever had, and that's saying a lot! Plus, I just adore the candy dish/decanter that he's carrying poor gooey Talbot around in. That is such a wonderful touch. And his manifesto-like ramblings about world-domination are just so twistedly funny and nonsensical. I just...I just love him!

And I also still love Alexander Skarsgard. But, much like he and Pam, I love him best when he's cold and heartless. He's been great this year with his flirting with Talbot and machination-face he puts on while thinking about his Viking crown.

I love him so much I've taken to using his name as a profanity, which I'd previously reserved only for George Clooney, Al Pacino, Ray Liotta, and Keanu Reeves. For example, when I stub a toe, I tend to shout " OH, George Clooney!" I don't recall how this started, but it did a while ago. If I drop something on the floor, I give a vehement "Keanu REEVES!" Well, the other day, while in the midst of trying to change a lightbulb, I managed to shatter the new bulb, and it just popped right out: "Alexander Skarsgard!" It shocked even me. But there you go, that's true love, and Alex oughta be mighty flattered to be in current lineup of my made-up, luminary swear words. I'm sure he'll cherish the moment he heard about this just as he will his trip to the Emmy awards this week. I know, it's neck-and-neck for which one is the bigger thrill.

Also, Bill has been around. Pam sprayed silver in his eyes! And then he waxed eloquently about he and Sookie living boring soccer mom lives. And then, I don't know, he did some other stuff. Go Alexander Skarsgard yourself, Bill.

In other show news, Entourage is hurtling to the end of the season, and it feels like a really quick one to me. Vince is on drugs and in love with Sasha Grey and basically fucking everything up. Turtle is in shape and selling tequila that the owner of the company doesn't want sold. Ari is experiencing marital problems due to his ongoing assholery. (Boo, hiss, hate that storyline even though I guess we knew it was coming as soon as the season started off with Eric saying that Ari is the "picture of wedded bliss.") And Drama, as usual, saves the day by becoming a cartoon gorilla! And the very best part of it all is that Rhys Coiro has finally been back around as Billy Walsh! I have been waiting on this bastard's return, and it's been worth it. This time around, he's juxtaposed with Vince. Billy is all cleaned up and calm and he came up with the whole gorilla "Johnny's Bananas" idea for Drama while he keeps one eye on Vince as he derails. And the most recent episode ended with a fabulously hilarious shot. Lloyd finds Vince's stash of coke, and everyone stands around drop-jawed and the camera zooms out and there's Billy, fresh out of the pool, also gathered around and he's got that sick Medellin tattoo across his whole back! And he's the most sane one there now! Alexander Skarsgard, was that a beautiful moment.

Night on Oz

2010-08-10T13:21:00.000-07:00

What the fuck? Is this True Blood or a supernatural rehash of Oz? The homoeroticism was flowing more freely than Bill's bloody tears this week. Not that I have a problem with that, believe me. Lafayette should get some from Jesus!

And, of course, if it gets Eric shirtless, I'm all on board!

But then we've got Sookie and Bill, rapidly becoming Beecher and Keller and hurtling toward my most despised couple on TV. God! I am so sick of them! Cry and make-up, bite and make-up, drain and make-up. And I'm so sick of their fucking theme music that's supposed to make me feel all sweet on them. I'm going to have a Pavlovian response to it and just start gagging as soon as I hear those strings start to swell anymore. I just hate them now!

Overall, it was an okay episode, I guess. It was by Raelle Tucker, and she's good at the dark and feely type of things, but I don't generally get a lot of laughs from her episodes. And, frankly, at this point, with the werewolves and soapy situations and ultra-violence, when this show doesn't acknowledge its camp appeal and takes itself really seriously, it doesn't get "heavy" so much as "dumb" to me. But, maybe I'm just jaded and miffed about the whole Sookie-Bill thing. I did enjoy muchly Sookie's scrapbook dedicated to them with its one picture. That was a little funny.

Also funny again was Talbot and the King. Talbot having his weekly hissy when Queen Sophie-Anne moved in was great: "I can't get Franklin's brains out of the guest linens, I had to bury werewolves under the gazebo, and that Sookie bitch staked Lorena!"

And things looked up when he and Eric got all naked, because let's face it -- they're both fine! And who knew it was so easy to seduce someone? "I'm bored. Take off your clothes." We go through all sorts of shenanigans for three seasons to get Eric undressed and it's just that easy. Love Talbot! But we all knew it would end badly, and though I enjoy Eric being all Ericy and staking him, I'm sad to see Talbot and his chafing diamond slippers exit already. Such a damn shame.

On the upside, Jesus returned and so did Alfre Woodard! Alfre was pretty funny, wielding that knife and greeting Jesus so sunnily. And now the door is opened and soon Lafayette will have supernatural abilities and Jesus will be his magic man in many ways. And no, none of that is a spoiler from the books, cause Lafayette died long ago in the books. They've just telegraphed this shit nicely. But it's all good.

Jason? He gets more reckless and more shirtless and sees some zombie-ass shit and just blows it off and worries about Crystal and I don't care about any of it. Though doesn't Hotshot fill the Aryan brotherhood void left by the closing of Oz? I tell you, all we need now is Cyril O'Reilly to run through with his sock puppet and it'd be like old times with a better setting.

Tara is in full-frothing snappy Tara mode, nastily warning Sookie away from Bill and then having disturbingly sexy dreams about Franklin. For real, his eyelashes alone in that shower scene were gorgeous. Poor Tara.

But Jessica was back!

She's still pining for Hoyt but she did some vampire-ninja training with Bill to fight off werewolves and then she ate Patrick Swayze's brother! YAY Jessica!! That was a heartwarming moment.

Also heartwarming was the return of Rene, cher! I know, he ended up being a psycho murderer, but he and that cajun accent are still way cute.

And then all of that wonderfulness was totally sullied by the awfulness of the Sookie-Bill reconcilement. I don't even know why I suddenly hate them, but I just do. This is worse than Ross and Rachel. Maybe they'll come up with their own little break-up tag line. Instead of "We were on a break" it could be "I will use this stake!" If only, right? Pfft.

2010-08-08T15:57:00.000-07:00

2010-08-07T15:25:00.000-07:00

2010-08-06T21:05:00.000-07:00

Hitting the Ground

2010-08-03T15:34:00.000-07:00

It's a damn shame. It's a shame that this was the best episode of the season so far, and yet I'm conflicted about it. I'm not generally one of those "the book is better" people. Sometimes, adaptations are better, and when people want to dispute that, I shut them up with two words: The Godfather. So far, for me, True Blood has been both faithful to the Charlaine Harris books and also a refreshing departure. The added storylines work well and even changes (Lafayette alive!) have been great ones. But this week -- ugh.

But first, let's talk about the awesomeness! The king of Mississippi unleashes his ancient speed to save Pam! And then he goes off on a half-batshit crazy tirade! And then Eric shushes him down! And then he decapitates the Magister! Huge laughs. HUGE! By this point, after seeing him smarm his evil all over HBO shows, who doesn't enjoy seeing Zeljko-Magister's head go splat! Especially after he threatened Pam. Pam! And she took it like the vampire she is, totally cool under pressure. And amidst all his plotting and preening and posturing and pensive brooding, Eric takes the time worry for his baby girl. Awww! But then in comes the king with a flourish!

Denis O'Hare is chewing scenery like it was granola and he's oh-so-grand and glibly brilliant at it. Hail to the King, for he and his court have truly entertained this year. His best line? "Maybe you didn't understand the subtext of our conversation earlier, but THERE IS A NEW FUCKING AUTHORITY IN TOWN!" He said subtext! And he challenged the mysterious, enigmatic "authority!" He was like Cartman, all "you will respect my authori-tay!" And then SPLAT with the head! Scandalous, even for vampires!

But as awesome as that moment was, it's still not the top joyous "oh shit!" moment of the week. Sam, finally, was pretty interesting. Dog fights are a fairly safe way to make you instantly hate someone, and Sam infiltrating the fights was great. Him telling off Joe Lee was pretty funny, calling him out about his baggy underwear, having "no discernable life skills," but that was topped by him telling his mom that he'd always thought Tara had the worst mother ever, but that she had her beat. And yet, even that wasn't his best moment. His best was backing down the frothing, manic, attacking rottweiler, warning it, "Don't you snarl at me!" And the dog runs off! Sam's the alpha dog -- yay!

But as great as that was, he still got upstaged by a girl. Seriously. Seriously, how awesome was Tara? Tara's back in full raging Tara-mode, and she's super-juiced on V. So she kicked Bill out of a van into the sunlight!

Best moment of the show so far this season, I swear. That was some hilarious shit. I can almost imagine how that moment came to pass, too. I imagine Rutina Wesley reading the script from the previous week and her saying, "Aw hell no! I ain't being chased by no damn wolf!" (<--because I'm going to go ahead and imagine Rutina speaking like Tara, mmkay?) And so the producers or director or someone calmed her down and said, "Listen. 'Tina. Yes, you have to run across a field and get chased by this wolf, and it's even going to jump on you and take you down from behind. But listen, if you do that scene, the next week, we'll let you actually physically KICK Bill and send him out into the sunlight." And, as any sane person would reply, she said, "Fuck yeah, I'll get knocked down by a giant wild animal if I get to abuse Bill! That's fair 'nuff! And thank you for the opportunity!"

That was just enormously entertaining.

Also good?
Queen Sophie-Anne in a birdcage.
Eric's delightful blue sweater should finally bite the dust thanks to his diurnal dalliances that caused him to get the bleeds all over it.
Also having the bleeds? Lorena, Sophie-Anne, and presumably Bill. The bleeds crack me up every time.
Jason saying, "I never thought I was smart enough to be depressed."
Hoyt's new girlfriend insisting that he eat her biscuits. Last year it was banana pudding, this year, biscuits. Food double-entendre is always welcome.
Also funny, though probably not intentionally, was Sookie's vision of...

Oh. Okay. Let's get this out there now. Is there anyone reading this post who still hasn't figured out what Sookie is yet? If you didn't get it figured out from this episode, I'm done playing, cuz that was some obvious shit. So, if you don't know, and you don't want to be spoiled, stop reading.

Sookie's vision of fairy world. Godric on a goat, that was some trite-ass shit there! Whoo-whee, now that was twee! I will say this, though, I like the actress they picked for Claudine, and Sookie has never looked prettier than in that fairy dress with the fairy lighting and floaty fairy air all around.

And I do also love me some Anna Paquin. I don't talk much about her because I'm always bitching about Bill or squeeing over Eric or the dude who plays Alcide. But I do love Anna as Sookie. I love that Kiwi's American accent and I love her trilling screams and I love her crying jags and I love her tart sass and her sweet innocence. I know Jason's the stupid one of the Stackhouse siblings, but there have been numerous occasions where Sookie has done things that'd make Talbot's quip about being as dumb as a box of rocks being insulting to boxes and rocks ring about right.

But, and here we go, people, and I do apologize, in the books, Sookie's just not all that fucking ricockulous! And, in the book, Sookie staked Lorena. By herself, dammit! That just pisses me off that they just haaaad to change it and have Bill help her. Fucking, "rescue me" complex from the girls this week. Sheesh. Why, why, WHY did they feel it was necessary to change that detail? That was a big part of Sookie's street cred -- she managed to stake Lorena on her own! She (again) had saved Bill!

Way back in season one, I'd said that if it wasn't for the graphic details, Sookie would be a great role model for teenage girls. (And, by the way, when I say "graphic details" I'm not talking about sex, I'm talking about the violence.) Sookie started the series by saving Bill. Last night, she was supposed to do that again. But oh no, someone has a hard-on for noble Bill and he somehow managed to rouse himself from manacles while being nearly drained to get a chain around Lorena's neck and subdue her for Sookie to sink the stake. Fuck that shit. My Sookie didn't need his damn help.

And another thing? Book Sookie loved her some Bill. But she wasn't stupid enough to climb into a locked space with him while he was nearly drained and then offer up her blood to him. Book Sookie, though often brazen and generous and bordering on deranged with her helpful streak is not actually an insult to boxes and rocks, and she knew better than to do that. It was deranged Debbie Pelt who locked her in the trunk with Bill. But oh no, not here. Here, Sookie climbs in and hacks up her arm and offers herself to Bill in a haze of worry and love -- and stupidity. I can't stand it. I just can't stand it.

Then again, I guess maybe that just made it a little bit funnier when Tara booted his ass out and he hit the ground! Even if he didn't splat like the magister's head, he probably learned to respect Tara's authority. Or at least her bend-it-like-Beckham right foot!

Sue Nami -- The Pegasus Interview

2010-08-02T16:38:00.000-07:00

Sue Nami's As the Pegasus Flies is a fast-paced and funny collection of short stories set at Reader's Digest in the 1950s. Part "Mad Men" and part "The Office," it's got everything a light-hearted read should have: scandals, sex, surprises, and, by today's standards, perhaps the most shocking of all: plentiful smoking! In short, I loved it! Lucky me, I was able to track down Ms. Nami for an interview to get inside the head that got inside the lives of Reader's Digest workers.

Let's start at the start. What was the inspiration for this collection of wacky characters and their stories, Sue?

It all started with a photo. On my company's intranet homepage, everything is there--company news, important links, etc. One day there was a new feature called Oh Snap!, which is an old b&w photo from the company's archives. People are supposed to write a funny caption for it.

I wrote a 300 word story (instead of just a caption), using the photo as a prompt. It was fun, so I wrote part 2, 3, etc. until the end of the week, when the new photo was posted. I did it again the next week. It started to catch on. Every Monday I'd put up part 1, and finish the story with part 5 on Friday. I began to reuse characters, and refer back to previous stories. All really silly soap opera stuff--people running off to have sex and smoke post-coital cigarettes during work. Things like that. Money hidden in walls, secret passageways. Plus, I got to slyly make fun of the company.

So even though the pictures were inspired by your workplace intranet, I should assume that you did all the writing on your lunch hours or other assigned breaks, or even after hours, never interfering with your schedule, correct?

Correct. Off hours, mostly in the morning before work. Then I would post at some point during the day, usually right before I left for lunch. Sue Nami would never do anything besides work at work. In fact, she is NOT answering these questions right now while at work.

You're a fearless writer. By that I mean that you don't pull punches with crazy antics or surprises, which is great for the reader. (There's also an ample body count.) I have to ask, do you find it easy to go the extra yard with these stories, or did you have a struggle sometimes, deciding whether or not to "go there?"

I go wherever I want. In fact, the more outrageous, the easy (and more fun) it is to write. This style of writing, and the whole lack of pressure to be "literary" is very liberating. I hope it carries over to my regular writing. Plus, that's the way I live my life--fearlessly--so it's natural to put that in the stories.

You live fearlessly like Jessica and take rides in helicopters? Or do you have a dash of Bernadette and live dangerous by eating Taco Bell for lunch without taking Gas-X and living with the repercussions?

Somewhere in-between. I haven't ridden in a helicopter yet, because no one has built one for me, like Stu did for Jessica. But I would, if someone did! Bernadette eating Taco Bell without having Gas-X handy is just inviting trouble, not to mention serious gastric pain. Fearlessness has to have an element of fun to it. That doesn't sound like fun. What about eating tacos, then going on a bumpy helicopter ride? Anyway, my bio states that I live a quiet, enigmatic life. My bark is worse than my bite.

I personally loved Boom-Boom Bernadette, and of course, Lorenzo. And I'd love to hear more about Joey the Pinhead Shark Bait. Who were some of your favorite characters?

Lorenzo is probably my favorite. He is the most used because he's so versatile, and likable. A jack of all trades, a sweet-talker. I think he's actually the most complex character, with a history that has been explored some, too. He came here from Italy to join his first love. He loves the ladies, loves food, helps out his paesans. He knows his way around the kitchen and the bedroom. Plus, he wears cologne that smells like money! What woman can resist that?

So tell me, Sue, was your main motive in publishing this book because, as is so often claimed by your characters, "publishing is so lucrative"?

Publishing WAS so lucrative. Not so much anymore. I published the book mostly so it existed in a physical form. I wanted all the stories together in one volume; it was a moment in time that I knew would never last. And I was right. Maybe the movie rights will be lucrative.

I am jealous of you. Insanely jealous. You've already managed to garner the 3 big C's that I've always chased after: a Cult following, Controversy, and you've been Censored. Does that make you feel like a bigshot? I'd feel like a bigshot.

For a second there, I thought you were gong to throw an acronym at me. The corporate world loves acronyms. But I guess three Cs don't really sound like anything except a clearing of the throat. As far as feeling like a bigshot--I'm thinking of entering some sort of rehab. That'll bring me back down to Earth. Isn't that what a bigshots do? Maybe I can plead exhaustion, find a nice place upstate to relax. I hear the old RD headquarters is empty, maybe I can rehab there. I can also kick this smoking habit I've had since writing As the Pegasus Flies. I've been smoking like a mad man! Mad Men, get it? They smoke a lot on that show. Is this thing on? And by the way, you ARE a bigshot. Don't be modest.

Why do you think, after you built a cult following, you suddenly started getting censored?

Coincidence? Or not? It's funny, because I got censored during what was probably the tamest story I had ever posted—it was just a simple love story. Either RD didn't like the fact that I was going to publish a book (I don't know why they'd care, though), or some tight ass complained about the length of my stories. Everybody was having fun on Oh, Snap!, and some brat had to take his/her ball and go home.

Are they still posting "Oh, Snap!" features on the intranet?

Yes, but it seems to be losing steam. But I am still using the photos as prompts for my stories, which are now only posted on the ATPF blog. Occasionally I'll still post a regular old caption on Oh, Snap!

Can we expect a Volume 2 of "As the Pegasus Flies"?

Well, there have been three new stories since the banishment. I'm going to keep it going a little longer. I want to end it when I want to end it, not when RD wanted it to end. There is a good chance there will be a second book, if for no other reason than to annoy people.

Is there a Pegasus at the new Reader's Digest building?

No sighting of a pegasus yet, either living or in statue form. Or any form, for that matter. No pegasus scat around. RD forsook the pegasus. The magic is gone. The dream is over. Samson's hair has been cut off.

Girl to girl here, did you ever visit the storage room at the top of the spiral staircase in the old Reader's Digest library with a Lorenzo-like co-worker?

Well, how do you think I know so much about that little room? You either know about it, or you don't. But all in the name of research, of course. Actually the spiral staircase has now been removed, and the opening in the ceiling has been closed. I hope no one (Lorenzo, I'm talking about you) was up there when they did this.

Are you on drugs?
Depends. Do you consider peyote "drugs?" I use it religiously.

Shuffle Up -- Top Pick!

2010-07-29T03:40:00.000-07:00

Such cool news -- Shuffle Up and Deal has been chosen as a "Top Pick!" of the month by RT Book Reviews Magazine. It's even featured on the front page of their website.

Reviewer Keitha Hart had this to say about it: "Fantastic! DiPlacido writes with humor and passion. The characters are well written and likable, and the shifting point of view is orderly and allows readers to mark the growth in the characters’ development. Love scenes are hot and inventive, but the attraction between the protagonists outside of the bedroom is just as enthralling. Readers will adore this unexpected gem that perfectly blends humor, sex and a satisfying storyline. " Full review available right here.

Yay!

Shuffle Up paperback available right here

E-book also available

Fireworks

2010-07-28T16:55:00.000-07:00

This is one of my all-time favorite works of fiction. It's a novella about a fifteen year old in 1945 at a Japanese internment camp in Manila. This story by William Reese Hamilton lives up to its title. "Fireworks"

I Got a Right to Sing the Sartorial Blues

2010-07-27T21:47:00.000-07:00

"I would love to rip you open and wear your ribcage as a hat!"

So says Lorena to Sookie. At this point, I'm not sure if Lorena drinks blood or just wakes up in the morning and does shots of crazy bitch to get her going. Ribcage hats -- if anyone could pull it off, she could. Or, also maybe Pam, but Pam would look hot in anything. And speaking of nutty women, how funny is Talbot? Bill murders a vampire in the foyer and Talbot just shrieks at his husband: "Does nobody care about our house!" Then, later, "You never take me anywhere!" They are so much more entertaining than the Baronnes ever were.

One style that's not so becoming on the ladies of Bon Temps is the "escaped from Juniper Creek" wardrobe, most recently seen on Jason's new love interest, Crystal. Seriously, is the HBO budget that stretched that they just raid each other's departments when in a pickle? Perhaps we'll see Barb or Nicki walking around in some of Sookie's old traveling clothes next season? Now that I think about it, maybe Eric's track suits are leftovers from Christofuh Moltisanti's closet! On the bright side, I do enjoy that they aren't bothering to clothe Joe Manganiello's Alcide at all! From wolf to naked, just the way we want him! But Jason and his pathetic letter jacket -- too funny.

And as for Eric, he's in tip-top shape, if garishly overdressed in a thin sweater.

Tsk tsk. On the upside, his flirting with Talbot is pure joy, not to mention his vicious attack on Queen Sophie-Anne, looking stunning in white pearls and pantsuit.

Those two together are just too smoking hot. And his love-hate with Sookie escalates! Get some Sook!

And I did love her showdown with the king. She went from tart to teary in under 30 seconds!

But once again stealing the show from Sooks was Tara. Tara! Tara, all trussed up in that awful nightgown and then Franklin, joining her in bed in his white silks. And then Tara not just biting his neck, but gnawing on it like it was a prize-winning rib at the state barbeque championships.

And then her choice of weapon -- that medieval spike-ball to bash in his brains, which she then wore as proudly as Lorena claimed she'd wear Sookie's ribcage!

Bill was appropriately dressed thanks to Lorena. She kept him in silver chains and his own blood.

You know how I feel about Bill getting tortured. It's always a welcome sight.

Poor Lafayette got his car all fucked up, before I could even figure out exactly what it was. (Someone? Anyone?)

Worse, he seems to have screwed the pooch with Jesus (that's Hey-soos, not the actual Jesus/Godricklike being) when Jesus finds out he's a drug dealer. He gets all sanctimonious and "take me home" on Lafayette. Seriously? How exactly did he think a cook at Merlotte's was driving a car like that in the first place? And why else would he be wearing gold eyeshadow and a kimono?

And as for Merlotte's -- I still don't really care about Sam's dog-fighting family. Fuck 'em. But I did love Arlene mouthing off to a customer about the peas: "Do you think this is Red Lobster?"

Next week, put on your Sunday best, people, because it's a truly pivotal episode, not just for the season, but the entire series.

Drama King

2010-07-27T07:39:00.000-07:00

I want to talk for a minute about Entourage. This year hadn't really caught fire for me yet, but that's not unusual. Entourage has the luxury of a devoted viewership, so they can afford to have a few building-block episodes to set things up for the chaos of the rest of the season. Usually, I get a few more laughs from those early episodes, but it was still pleasant enough so I've been watching. Things took off this week for both Drama and Turtle. Though they're the supporting players to the supposed main draw of Vince and Eric, Drama and Turtle have definitely managed to steal the show outright over the past couple years. This could possibly be because Vince and Eric have hit a career point where they're at least safe. They may suffer aggravations or setbacks, but they're never really on the brink of disaster.

But Turtle is still trying to make his own way in the city, and he's still struggling mightily. This season is no exception, and just when he thinks he's making up ground, the bomb gets dropped that they're using him to get to Vince.

Meanwhile, it's no secret that I love Johnny Drama.

I think Kevin Dillon does a spectacular job playing him, too. Drama's an easy target, and he's suffered plenty of humiliation for laughs. At first glance, he comes off as an over-the-hill, preening, pompous fuck who's leaching off his brother. But Dillon is great at showing us the tiniest of cracks in his hard, self-loving veneer, giving us the insight that he's actually terrified of being a washed-up, arrogant sycophant. His constant humiliations are what represent the toughness of the Hollywood business, what can be so soul-crushing about it, to constantly be judged and deemed not good enough. But he's a scrapper, and he's intent, if not obsessed, with getting one more shot. It looked like he had secured his place with a hit network show, but in true Drama fashion, he went and fucked it all up.

But it's not like he trashed his good fortune for no reason. One of Drama's most endearing traits is his willingness to immolate himself for his family. In past seasons, no matter what was going on with him, he'd drop everything in a wink to help his baby bro. This past season, it was in defense of Turtle and Turtle's girlfriend that he effectively ambushed himself and destroyed what could've been his final shot at "success."

This year, he's got a producer in his corner, (the always awesome William Fitchner as Phil) and this guy has managed to produce the impossible: and Emmy-winning writer has written a script FOR Drama, and Phil has also gotten John Stamos involved, therefore securing network interest. The only hitch is that Drama now has to impress Stamos.

I love it when Entourage convinces stars to come on and play themselves as somewhat assholes, and they didn't disappoint with Stamos. During his supposed meeting with Drama, Stamos breezes past him, calling him "Jimmy" and sucking up to Vince. Vince eventually gracefully turns the attention back to Drama by having them play a game of ping pong. And that's when the Drama disaster begins. Drama kicks Stamos's ass. Stamos steams. Producer Phil freaks on Drama and tells him the sitcom is dead unless Drama manages to suck his way back into Stamos's good graces. It's a classic Drama scenario. Does Drama really have to back down and let Stamos publicly beat him to secure a job? Stamos cockily proposes the opposite. If Drama manages to beat Stamos again, Stamos will do his shitty tv show. This spells bad news for Drama all around. It made me squirm for him.

But, that's the beauty of where Doug Ellin has come with Drama. He used to be a punchline with his humiliation. But over the years, Ellin has taken him to heart with his fierce desires and unswerving loyalty and therefore has somehow elevated him to a sort of working-class hero for Hollywood. So when the game comes down, Drama of course loses, and then he takes it like a true gentleman. Stamos, of course, feels vindicated and agrees to do John's show now. YAY, Johnny Drama! And, of course, as Vince tries to console Johnny about losing in front of a huge crowd, Drama shrugs it off and says, "I threw the game." And we know he did. And we're really proud of him for doing it.

Lady Luck Giveaway

2010-07-21T19:52:00.001-07:00

Hey everyone. I'm giving away a few copies of Lady Luck over at GoodReads. So if you're a member there, click on over and enter.

Goodreads Book Giveaway

Lady Luck

by Susan DiPlacido

Giveaway ends August 05, 2010.

See the giveaway details
at Goodreads.

Enter to win

If you're not a member of GoodReads, you can also enter by sending me your name and address, and I'll pick a winner and send out a book on August 21. Good luck!

Sookie Goes Rogue

2010-07-20T20:41:00.000-07:00

Hot on the heels of the news that Sookie is the fifth hottest girl's baby name of 2010 so far, our little Southern Belle went a little X-Men with her troubling touch when she again flashed someone's face with her palm.

Back in Bon Temps, times weren't so good for Hoyt, who took an irritating girl out on a date to Merlotte's, obviously upsetting Jessica. No news on the decapitated body that Franklin left in the ditch which was Jessica's kill. I presume things will only get rougher for our redheaded lass before the season catapults to the halfway point. But it was pretty funny to watch her get feisty with Arlene and glamour her customers into not tipping her.

But truly bringing the funny? Franklin!

Franklin and Tara brought it all this week! Horror! Laughs! Action! Heartrending wailing -- that was hilarious! I'm usually slow to warm to new characters, but Franklin has won me over. And Tara is the perfect, horrified foil for him. I hope they spawn lots of British-backwoods vampire progeny to be pissed off all over Mississippi and Tennessee.

Closer to the "I don't give a fuck" scale, Sam sunk deeper into his blood family's mire. The suspense is not killing me to figure out what's going on there. And thoroughly embedded in the "rat's ass or less" part of my interest-level is Jason and his blonde. Evs.

On the better side, Debbie Pelt! What a trashy bitch! I know we have to suspend our disbelief quite a bit for this show, and I'm cool with that. But I just sat there thinking there is NO FUCKING WAY that a guy of Alcide's caliber would ever be with that chick! But I'm really glad that he is. Quality television is finding the characters who make crack-addicted strippers seems soft and sympathetic in comparison, and Debbie achieves that goal.

And then there's Bill. *sigh* Poor noble fucking Bill. He's busted by the king for withholding information, then turns a cold shoulder to Tara and her plight, but then goes all renegade to try and save Sookie, only making things that much worse. That's why I love this show. Bill just causes the shit rolling right on toward Sookie and is unable to help her, but she turns on her light-saber hand and zaps the crap out of a werewolf to save herself. Good ole Sooks!

And, of course, who can forget Eric? Hot on the heels of Franklin, vying for favorite new character, is the king's lover-progeny Talbot. This guy is hilarious, but his reactions to Eric were priceless. And even better was Eric smiling and flirting back, subduing his concern for Pam and keeping himself in check until his spots the Viking crown.

Then we get a great flashback to Eric being all "I don't care about being king" and screwing handmaidens in the barn until his father gets mauled by a werewolf. It's a little odd that he's never crossed paths with Russell over the past 1,000 years before, but, if it gets us sex flashbacks, I'm all for it.

Also not to be forgotten? Lafayette dates Jesus! I *heart* it!

Question of the week? Why must all vampires leave their faces all blood-covered after feeding? Are they all, as a species, completely unaware of wetnaps? Or even their own goddamn sleeve?

As the Pegasus Flies by Sue Nami

2010-07-20T07:33:00.000-07:00

I've got a little something unique and quite entertaining for you today. (If you like Mad Men, I think you'll LOVE this.) Sue Nami's As The Pegasus Flies is a soap opera set at Reader's Digest in the 1950's. It's filled with a crazy cast of characters, wild sexual encounters, and more mayhem than a David Fincher movie. In other words, it's great fun!

You can check her and the stories out at the pegasus blog. (Start from the oldest post, as the characters keep reappearing.) And as an added bonus, she now carries the delightful stink of controversy, as she's officially been censored at Reader's Digest! That's how you know she's churning out some worthwhile reading, people! As an even bigger bonus, just in time for summer reading, her ongoing collection has been published. Now available for just $7.50 at Amazon is the print version of As the Pegasus Flies. Enjoy!

9 Crimes -- of Passion!

2010-07-12T21:51:00.000-07:00

Ask and ye shall receive! See that. Just a little bit of grumbling about the previous episode, I float that idea that the way to make it up to us is to give us shirtless Manganiello, and VIOLA! It's better than a magic trick. Alan Ball knows how to keep his faithful female fans happy. First scene this week, and we've got shirtless Joe Manganiello. They are totally picking up what I'm putting down! All apologies to Alexander Skarsgard, who's still one sexy sonuvabitch, but I'm not quite sure we can make human beings more good looking than this:

Seriously, congrats to True Blood for snagging an Emmy nod for best drama, even if the cast did get snubbed. But when they roll out the award for best-looking cast, Blood will certainly be in the running. And this from a show that I totally bitched about the lack of sex appeal in the men in the first season. Then again, the first season was being carried by Bill. Pfft. Bill.

Speaking of Bill -- Cripes! He's up to his ass in alligators, again. He's back in Lorena's clutches -- again. He's got to stay away from Sookie for her own good -- again. He's procuring strippers as entrees for royalty -- again. Oh, wait, that's new. He's getting totally dogged by Eric -- again! I do love that one, though. Because frankly, if it's Bill's fangs in the Magister's pliers or Pam's, go right on ahead and rip Bill's fangs on out, baby. Anything to save our fabulous Pam! If you weren't about sick and tired of Zeljko's asshole routine yet, then him taking silver to Pam probably tipped the scales. But I did love that Eric was fully on board to sell Bill up the river to save his progeny!

Though his intentions are noble, Bill's breakup with Sook-ay sent her into desperate sobs. Well done, again, for Anna Pacquin. That chick can pull off drama like crazy with tears and snot and all sorts of sympathy. Another thing she's good at? Throwing sparks with nearly any costar. As ambivalent as I am about Bill, she and he were hot. And then Eric? Off the charts. I love the twist that it was him dreaming about her this week. We are so gonna get Sookie-Eric sex before this is all over. But for now, her cuddling up to Alcide and his shirtless body just makes perfect sense. And when she went all bad-ass brunette and wore black? HOT!

Let's see, what else happened this week? Oh yeah, Jason went deeper into his psychosis of wanting to be law enforcement. Evs. Tara got bitten and abducted by Franklin -- the fucker. I hope she ends up staking his ass. Lafayette drove his new car! And Eric saved him from a bunch of redneck methheads! How IS Lafayette supposed to deal with all this fucked-uped-ness? Sam, he's got hillbilly trouble with his homefolk. But he hired Jessica! Let's hope she's not filling the "waitress-to-be-killed-later" slot at Merlotte's. And then, last, but certainly not least was the appearance once again of that Patrick Swayze-lookin' werewolf. I did a double-take the first time I saw him, then when he cornered Sook last week I was all, "Huzzah?" Then, this week, I read the credits and see that his IS a Swayze! Just as I was hoping he'd say, "Nobody puts Sookie in a corner" she damn well did end up quite cornered in a roomful of crazed wolves. Now I tell you, what more can a show do to get that Emmy statue. Swayzes and leather-clad Sookie and werewolves and silver and exsanguinated strippers and shirtless hot guys. If it doesn't get the Emmy, it at least gets my appreciation.

House Money -- New Review

2010-07-09T19:43:00.001-07:00

Though it's still not available in paperback, the good news keeps rolling in for House Money! (Medellin, I tell you. Medellin, baby. Please don't let me end up like Billy Walsh.)

This latest is from Night Owls Reviews, and it's a sentence that makes me shiver with glee. I swear, I did not write this, someone else did. Melinda said:
"Man oh man move over Jackie Collins for Susan DiPlacido sure knows how to write gangsta."

YAY!! I got compared to Jackie Collins! I lurve Jackie's Lucky series, and it was obviously a huge influence on me and that review is like --- YAY!

You can read the full review right here. And you should check it out, because it's got more good stuff to say, like:
"The scenes of Las Vegas were great in this story, the tension of who's going to get the Oasis was awesome and all the characters from her previous books appear here. That was the great part seeing Marina, Miguel, Lisa, Val and Vinny were a treat to read about. If you haven't read her series you should go get them."

Damn right!

You can find House Money right here in e-book.

Playboy

2010-07-09T07:53:00.000-07:00

I have a huge collection of Playboy magazines. When I say huge, I mean I have every single issue (except one) from 1955 through 1998, including special editions like the Vixens and Lingerie. It's mostly in very good to mint condition, and I even have double copies still in the original plastic wrap for several of the decades. It's uh, well over 1,000 magzines. The only one missing is April 1958, and I technically have it, but it's "Playboy in Las Vegas" so I want to keep that one.

I want to sell this collection. So, if you or someone you know is interested, drop me a line. You can get me at susandiplacido @ aol.com. (remove the spaces) Bear in mind that the shipping alone on this collection is going to cost a lot

The Boys -- and Girls! -- of Summer

2010-06-30T21:06:00.000-07:00

Entourage is back! What's going on, you ask? Well, Ari is racing around and taking and making calls and pulling strings. Vince is doing things to make sure he's not a pussy. E is playing kissy-face with Sloan and not powerful enough to take care of business so he's calling Ari. Drama is getting slighted, and Turtle is getting shit-kicked by a girl. Everyone is too rich. Same old, same old, with Nick Cassavettes tossed in for good measure. Nicely done. Douchebaggy, it may be, but I still enjoy it.

What I'm also enjoying is the summer premier of Hot in Cleveland. It's another spin on The Golden Girls, but this time around, Betty White is in the Sophia slot. The jokes aren't all that fresh, but the cast is so damn likable, with Jane Leeves, and Wendie Malick. I adore Malick. She can take a tired old bit and still make it work with a weird joie de vivre. And Betty White? It doesn't matter if they underuse her talents by getting a cheap laugh by making say something coarse, she's still adorable. And I think Jane Leeves is falling into the Johnny Drama slot of having bad shit happen to her and getting humiliated and then recovering. You just can't have enough Drama in comedy.

It Hurts Me To Say It, But...

2010-06-30T21:05:00.000-07:00

Oh Shit. Maybe the glow is gone, or maybe I was just in a funky mood. But this week's True Blood had everything going for it. It was written by Alexander Woo, who's usually one of my faves, and it had blood, sex, and violence to spare. But the opening clunked for me, and then the closing took the camp barometer into "cheezy" territory.

Look, I know I have a bit of an usual love for Goodfellas. But it's possibly my favorite film of all time, and maybe that makes me a little too touchy. The opening scene this week picked up exactly where last week's left off, with Eric and a wolf lunging toward each other. A bit of mayhem ensued (all good) and then, naturally, Eric overpowered the werewolf and after exchanging a few unpleasantries in his best Bale-Batman growl, Eric ripped into his neck and pulled big chunks out. Again, all good! Then, as the werewolf bled out on Sookie's rug, he looked up at her and calmly said, "I got your rug all wet." No. Just, no. It was Joe Pesci as mega-psycho Tommy DeVito and he'd viciously beaten a man nearly to death when he was suddenly overcome with a remorseful look and he sincerely apologized to Henry, saying, "I didn't mean to get blood all over your floor." THAT was a chilling and perversely funny moment. The homage here just...No. No.

Of course, I don't blame a show for trying, and I certainly don't blame Skarsgard, who's looking finer than ever playing his changing part this year with all sorts of devilish charm and chagrined care.

But even better, finally, there's new competition for the fox of the season award. Oh, you know I'm talking about Joe Manganiello as Alcide. Talk about too good to be true! Though he was terribly overdressed for his entire first appearance, I didn't really care. He's THAT good-looking. He's this hot werewolf and I don't know, I think he acted okay, but I didn't really even listen to his lines because, well, look at him!

Naturally, we had Jason to fulfill the absurd naked scene this week, appearing pantsless instead of shirtless while he struggles yet again with feeling, I don't know, like he needs a calling or something, I don't really listen, not because I'm so distracted because he's so hot, but because I only laugh at his idiot lines and then tune out his crisis of conscience shit because I don't care.

Sam, of course, is sucking shit again after meeting his weirdo white-trashy family. Lafayette got a shiny new car! But there are strings attached, courtesy of Eric. And Terry is all happy about becoming a daddy, even though we suspect the baby is actually serial killer Renee's baby. Tara is getting wooed and then glamoured by creepy new vamp Franklin who seems to be stalking Bill. Bill! Poor Tara, the only times she's happy, she's under some sort of mind control. And oh yeah, Sookie is wearing white again. All good soapy shit that should keep things rolling along and right on track for Blood. Meanwhile, speaking of gorgeous things, let's talk for a minute about Pam. She was, as always, HOT getting her some Estonian skank. And she was hilarious with Jessica, who is getting so pretty she's almost show-stopping. I'm really not as down with the girl-love as Pam is, but something about Jessica and that red hair and those blue eyes and I just feel so bad for Hoyt.

What else? Oh yeah! Back at the king of Mississippi's crib, another rug got ruined, but this time it was hilarious the way Talbot threw a shit fit over it and then the king calls him on his tantrum is all, "It's like Armageddon around here when someone chips a dessert plate." I approve of the king and his court, most definitely! Of course, they, along with uber-bitch Lorena have screwed Bill over, but of course, we the audience loves when Bill is tortured so. He cries, he gnashes, but then he retracts his fangs and does as he must.

And then he cries and gnashes and tries to rape Lorena but she loves it too much so he twists her head all the way around and it looks just like a scene from "Death Becomes Her" and it's supposed to be this sick, dark, disgusting awful thing for Bill and we should be horrified and perversely amused maybe, I don't know, but it was just so fucking...cheezy. I don't know if it was the effects or the whole thing but when I'm supposed to be revolted by the action and instead I'm just appalled at the poor quality it's not a good sign. Truly, there's only one way to win me back now, and I think we all know what it is. Nudity, Manganiello, next episode. Something tells me I won't be disappointed.

House Money -- New Review

2010-06-26T18:37:00.000-07:00

Just got in another review for House Money. It's from Coffee Time Romance, and Danielle had this to say:
I have to say I found House Money to be quite an intriguing tale...The ending was beautifully done and left me stunned. Ms. DiPlacido writes with so many twists and turns that I could hardly catch my breath before I was being led down another tension filled adventure.

This book is still currently only available in e-book version, but that just makes it a great buy.

Mundania E-Book - $4.99

Amazon E-Book - $3.99

Richard Thomas -- Transubstantiate

2010-06-26T18:34:00.001-07:00

Richard Thomas's debut novel, Transubstantiate, a neo-noir, speculative thriller will be out on 7.1.10. To get all of the information just visit http://www.transubstantiate.net. There is a synopsis there, sample chapter, blurbs, a podcast, all kinds of stuff. He is also giving away five copies at GoodReads, and the contest ends on July 1st: http://www.goodreads.com/giveaway/show/4178-transubstantiate.

Blue Blooded

2010-06-24T19:54:00.000-07:00

Fuck. My beloved Azzurri have been knocked out of the group stage of the World Cup, the first time they've exited so early since 1974. It's considered a truly shocking (and humiliating) showing for the Italian team by the press and soccer fans. On the bright side, I won't have to sit and listen to fartface Ian Darke commentate and root against them any longer. On the downside, well, obviously, I'm sad because they're out of the World Cup.

But I'm also sad because there was a lot of hooha about how old this team was. Ultimately, I really don't blame age on their loss. Though, I guess it does say something when your world-class keeper is knocked out with a back injury. Sheesh. But if you ask me, and since you're reading this, I guess you might care what I think, Lippi just never got his shit together assembling a top flight squad on the pitch during this tournament. He had guys on the bench that he had no business keeping on the bench. Andrea Pirlo suffered an injured calf on the eve of the tournament, but when he was finally brought in the second half of today's game, it made a world of difference. He's just clever and classy and his footwork creates openings and opportunities to pierce opposing defenses. Why the hell Quagliarella didn't play until the end of ends was beyond me. He showed his craftiness by orchestrating a truly brilliant goal. Worse, Genarro Gattuso finally got on the field in the first half of the game, but was pulled before his teammate Pirlo entered, and every Azzurri fan knows that those two work incredibly well together. It's just...frustrating.

Slovakia deserved to advance, as they put forth a truly solid and at times punishing effort. And the Italians did look, characteristically, not too concerned about being down 1-nil during the first half and even first 20 minutes of the second half. However, once Pirlo and Quagliarella entered the game, all hell broke loose in the best way possible. As Ian Darke sat commenting about the potential lack of heart on the Italian team, once the Slovaks scored a second goal, you could almost see the blue course through Italy's veins and they started playing absolutely monster soccer. The final 20 minutes of the match was once of the most exciting I could've imagined, and if the final score didn't shake out how it did, it'd probably be legendary. First Di Natale struck, and then Quagliarella appeared to strike, but he was called offsides by about a fucking inch. And don't EVEN get me started on the goal that Quagliarella scored that wasn't called a goal, even though Slovakia's defender was inside the goal line when he kicked it out. Oh, it makes me so mad!

But, enough. It's done. In those final 20 minutes, the Azzurri made me proud. But it is an older squad, and captain Fabio Cannavaro and one of my faves, Rino Gattuso, have already announced their retirement from international play. And I fully expect that in four years, plenty of others will be gone. So it's the end of an era for this team. If only they'd had more than 20 minutes of attacking brilliance out of the 270 that they played in South Africa. Fuck.

Fur Fetched

2010-06-22T19:59:00.001-07:00

So, what'd we learn this week on True Blood?

1) If you're going to stash a corpse in Bon Temps, you better have fast access to a chainsaw lest some body snatcher come along and screw you over. Poor Jessica! Even with Pam's coaching, the girl can't catch a break. And I loved how once again we got the undercurrent that Bill was a shitty maker for not teaching Jessica how to drain someone. He is the worst maker, ever!

2) Hoyt gets hotter by the episode. He's right, his haircut is badass.

3) Jason is a disaster. Judging by the title of the ep, I think we're supposed to consider him a beautiful disaster, but he's just a disaster. And yet, even he can upstage Andy and catch a drug dealer. YAY Jason!

4) Tara is a mess. *sigh* But Lafayette remains the coolest cat ever! And his mom is Alfre Woodard! I can't wait to see more of her crazy ass. I totally hope she gets in a brawl with Tara's mom.

5) Eric was in the SS? Where he hunted down werewolves. With Godric. Best part? He's trying like hell to be all supportive and seductive toward Sookie, but he still can't help snapping when she brings up Bill in relation to Godric. "Bill Compton is no Godric!" But he did manage to butter up Sook and worm an invite into her house. As cliffhangers go, though, since we already saw Bill destroy a pack of wolves by himself, it's not too fear inducing to see Eric face off against one.

6) Those wolves? Awesome. Good on Alan Ball for not going for CGI on this one. Werewolves? They use a dog for Sam's shift, so it makes perfect sense to use real wolves. And they're so much cooler than a creature effect.

7) Bill dousing Lorena in flames! Awesome! He tolerated that blood wine, soup and sorbet like a trooper, not to mention the king's pointed queries, but a bitchy maker is just enough, already! Set her on fire in a royal's house!

8) By far, however, the biggest laugh of the episode was Sookie impersonating Bill saying, "Sook-ay!" Well done, Anna, well done!

Buona Dea - Another Draw!

2010-06-22T19:38:00.001-07:00

Madone! I know there's been plenty of crying in beers all through New York and New Jersey as the Azzurri only managed to squeak out another draw, this time against New Zealand, and I assume Italians across the pond are ready to shove a vuvuzela up Coach Lippi's ass. I wouldn't say I'm that distraught (though I wouldn't mind destroying a truckload of those stupid horns), but I am now pissed that Alessandro Del Piero and Luca Toni were left off this squad. Yeah, they're older, and Toni didn't perform that well in the 2008 Euro Championships, which probably contributed to the firing of then-coach Donadoni. But Toni IS a great striker, as is Del Piero, and, well, we're really having trouble scoring. Worse, Andrea Pirlo is still out, and Gattuso isn't being played, and Camoranesi only comes in for the second half. Defending has always been the Italians' forte, and even with Buffon out, they're hanging in there. But they made the 78th ranked New Zealand look like a brick wall at the goal. Wave after wave of attack, and they just couldn't break through. New Zealand's keeper DID have a brilliant game, but Italy just couldn't get it done, either. Thursday morning, if they don't scratch out a win against Slovakia, they could kiss their World Cup chances goodbye.

Then again, at least they haven't self-destructed in spectacular and public fashion like France! What a circus they are!

House Money Reviewed -- The Romance Studio

2010-06-16T20:24:00.000-07:00

Also got in a great review for House Money. It's from The Romance Studio and Theresa Joseph had this to say:

"If you are looking for a fast and funny mystery, fuhgedaboudit, this is the one for you. Full of wiseguys, capos and made men this is an entertaining Las Vegas mob mystery. The characters in this story are what made it so enjoyable for me...The story itself was a roller coaster ride, I just didn't know what to expect next!..This is the first book I've read by this author but it definitely won't be the last...This is definitely one I'll find myself rereading and chuckling out loud at all the crazy antics again and again."

I'm telling you, if you want summer reading, I've got you triple covered this year.

Mundania Press -Paperback - $12.95

Mundania E-Book - $4.99

Amazon E-Book - $3.99

I know, I'm insufferable. But the Azzurri play again on Sunday morning, and then Sunday night is more True Blood (and I think the season premier of Entourage), so I'll have other stuff to jabber on about next week.

Shuffle Up - Midwest Book Review

2010-06-16T20:18:00.000-07:00

Just got in a new review for Shuffle Up and Deal. This one is from Midwest Book Review, and they say: "Sexy, funny, and attention gripping from first page to last, "Shuffle Up And Deal" is a terrific read."

Awesome.

Bloodthirst -- Quenched

2010-06-16T20:17:00.000-07:00

What a great week to be me. The World Cup with all the humming and the hot guys. And also the season premier of True Blood, back for its third season, and they really started off the season running.

First, and obviously most important, I must comment on Alexander Skarsgard. Apparently, the now multiple producers of Blood know what their fans like, and they've decided to give them plenty of it. Our first scene with Eric had him showcasing pretty much everything but his Swedish meatballs. Big props to all involved for keeping fans, uh, satisfied. It wasn't just a quick shot, but a long, full-length camera gaze upon his backside. But even funnier was how played the scene off with Sookie. Eric just kept standing in front of her, naked, obviously thrilled to be showcasing his Viking hardware while she stood there verklempt and flustered.

It was also great to have Jessica back, and the pickle the poor girl has herself in will certainly make Bill put her on an even tighter curfew once he gets himself straightened out. Speaking of Bill, I don't know when it happened, but I now have to admit that I love the lug. Poor bastard, getting kidnapped and drained and then feeding off an old lady but still having the Southern courtesy to erase her memories of it and slip her a few bucks. And he and Sam were high comedy in their hot-n-heavy blood induced dream sequence. That Alan Ball, I'm so glad he didn't pass up that opportunity after setting it up last year. It was possibly the best line of the episode, Bill seductively talking about the shower water was so...hard.

Coming a close second was Andy telling Jason that he had to turn his conscience off and his dick on. But Jason, unable to perform with his PTSD raging out of control. Good thing we had Eric to pick up the slack. Also? Pam! I've really missed Pam. And in one quick instant I even fell in love with Evan Rachel Wood's queen. When she screeched and threatened Eric and jacked him up against a wall with her enormous fangs protruding? Well, that's why it's HBO.

Azzurri Draw

2010-06-14T18:40:00.001-07:00

The World Cup kicked off on June 11, but today was the debut for the reigning world champs, Italy's Azzurri. They aren't being given much of a chance by most in the know because for the most part, the team is four years older, and therefore slower. superstar Alessandro Del Piero didn't return, nor did striker Luca Toni. But most of the core team is in tact, including some of my favorites like Rino Gattuso, Andrea Pirlo, Fabio Cannavarro, Mauro Camorenesi, Danielle De Rossi, and, of course, goalkeeper Gianluigi Buffon.

It looked like disaster when freaking Paraguay scored on a set piece in the first half of the match after Italy had dominated possession but been unable to score. However, in the second half, they brought in Camorenesi and the Italians scored on a set piece of their own to bring the match to a draw, which is how it concluded.

I think they'll make it through their group and into the semis at least. I have to hope. I mean, this is what we're rooting for here, people!

However, on the truly depressing side, my beloved (and still the world's best) goalkeeper Gigi had to leave the game at halftime with a pulled hamstring. DISASTER! I don't know how bad it is yet, but this could be doom for a couple of reasons. Of course, the Azzurri need Gigi to win. But the thought of not even seeing him on the field? I mean, this what we're talking about here, people!

Forza Azzurri!

Yet more love for Luck

2010-05-31T09:08:00.000-07:00

I know, I've been a disgusting self-involved blogger these days, doing nothing but pumping my own book, but I've just been busy with various summer activities (Yay!) and, unfortunatley, this post doesn't end that latest trend. I got a couple more reviews for Lady Luck that I wanted to post (brag) about, so here they are.

Jessica Crooks from Romance Junkies wrote an awesome review about it, which you can read in full right here. Some of the highlights:
"The characters – what a crazy and loveable bunch most of them were. They all came alive to me, even the not so nice ones took on their own personas and became living, breathing people as I read."

But, even better, here's her summation: "LUCKY LADY is one fantastic read." Yay!

And Romantic Times magazine had this to say about it: "It’s impossible not to enjoy it. The borrowed Hamlet plot works on both obvious and subtle levels and is good for a chuckle for anyone with even a passing knowledge of the play (and really, who doesn’t have that?). It’s a fun read, perfect for the beach."

So, there you go. If your summer activities include pool/beach or even any reading time, do consider Lady Luck amply stamped with approval.

Lady Luck at Amazon

Lady Luck in e-book - only $2.50!

Chatting with Donna

2010-05-27T19:21:00.000-07:00

My good friend and very talented writer Donna George Storey was generous enough to read my latest book, Shuffle Up and Deal and post a review and interview with me about it on her blog, right here. It's quite insightful and a was a delight for me to read and answer the questions, so I hope you enjoy it, too!

Shuffle Up is now available right here!

More love for Luck

2010-05-22T19:10:00.000-07:00

I just got another great review for Lady Luck. Jessica Crooks for Romance Junkies says, "LUCKY LADY is one fantastic read." Click to read the full review. Yay!

Che Sara Sanremo!

2010-05-22T19:07:00.000-07:00

So here's the last of my spring travel tales. WIsely, I arranged my trip to leave Monte-Carlo and go to Italy, because I like Italy, and I figured it'd be a nice place to finish up. Sanremo (or San Remo) was once a fairly well-known party-gambling destination, but the Vegas casino in its honor has been replaced with a Hooters and the craziest days of its namesake might be behind it. Nevertheless, it's still a summertime hot spot. Upon arriving in San Remo, I took a stroll and was happy as soon as I passed these places on the street. Strip clubs. I don't really care to go in and spend Euros on strippers, but it was a sure sign I was away from the stuffy, overly-swank city of Monte-Carlo, and the seediness made me feel more at home.

Also symbolic of the less grandiose 'tude was the more low-key green card needed for gaming in the casino, as opposed to the hoity-toity gold. I like green anyhow, as it reminds me of American money.

The San Remo casino was more casual than Monte-Carlo, though a White House State Dinner is probably less formal than that place, and it was also larger than the Cannes ones. They were hosting a big poker tournament while I was there, which was pretty cool, too, though I briefly wished I'd brought along my poker book instead of Lady Luck. But then once the gambling commenced, I was glad I brought Lady Luck with me. YAY to being in Italy again!

I stayed at the Royal Hotel, and it was a nice enough place, though, again, 5 stars for a European hotel is comparable to about a 4 star American one. The bar was tiny, which was sad for me, but I had an outrageously huge patio overlooking the pool and the Mediterranean, and there's certainly nothing to complain about that view.

The pool was another salt water pool. These are becoming increasingly vogue, I guess. Pfft. But it was also really fun to swim in as it was deep and landscaped (waterscaped?) with underwater caves to swim through and lots of intersting stuff like that. Lady Luck preferred to simply sun herself and enjoy the view while I frolicked. And though the pool attendants were devastatingly handsome, the menu was sort of crap, so I didn't have to worry about hiding my treasured Monte-Carlo condoms from her. Though, given the gorgeousness of the Italian guys all around, I had to remind myself to keep those souvenirs tucked safely away.

And that concluded my Mediterranean tour. I was happy and felt very fortunate to have been able to see that part of the world. And though Italy was fun and pleasant enough, and the whole area was tremendously beautiful, I left with a strong feeling almost like a lover who cheated and was horribly disappointed. It was the Cote d'Azur alright. But, for me, it just wasn't Vegas. Call me a degenerate, but I still prefer to party like I was doped up with "roofinol," and Vegas is the only place that not only tolerates, but encourages that sort of behavior. So I'll be tucking my passport away for a while. Culture Schmulture. Vegas, Baby!

Monte-Carlo. Monte-freaking-Carlo.

2010-05-11T18:58:00.000-07:00

So this is it. The grandest, swankiest casino in the world. Monte-Carlo, baby!

Same as with Cannes, I chose my hotel based on proximity. If you know me, you know there's not much that I love more than getting shitfaced drunk, gambling, and then stumbling back to my room.
The Casino Monte-Carlo is a stand alone building, but right next to it is the Hotel de Paris, so that's where I picked. Fancy. Grand old hotel tradition fancy, both inside and out, and especially in attitude, as, I was to learn, was the rest of Monaco.
(translation: oh, they just loved me.)

Here's the ornate lobby. Fancy, right? The whole time that I was planning this trip, I kept thinking to myself, "I can't believe I'm going to Monte-Carlo."
And when I got there, I was like "I can't believe I'm actually in Monte-Carlo!" And then, well, let me tell you, they couldn't believe I was there, either.

Never before in my life had I felt so...trepidatious, suddenly. I've gambled, and I've gambled a lot, and I've gambled with high rollers. But this place is different. So instead of rushing directly to the casino, I figured I'd get my bearings and chill at the pool. It's a nice one, but it's also a seawater pool. It's novel and fun at first, but after about ten laps, it started making me sick so I had to give up and just paddle around a bit. This was the inauspicious start to a trend that would continue throughout the rest of the trip.

But, once I'd had my fill in the pool, I went to the solarium, where my book assured me that she would act as she was named and bring me lady luck in the casino. So we enjoyed the view for a while before heading out.

Alright, so here's how it works in Monte-Carlo. There's a corporation called SBM that operates a bunch of the hotels and casinos. (Yes, there are other casinos besides the famous one.) And if you stay at one of those hotels, they give you a "Carte d'Or" which you can take around and use in all the places. So, my book got decked out in its most fancy attire (you may recall these from last year's Italy trip) and grabbed its gold card and its guts and it was off.

And off we went. I won't lie to you. It was fast, it was ugly. There will be no joyous pictures of my book hauling money out of there. Instead, through some strange alchemy, my Carte d'Or turned to coal as Lady Luck didn't just abandon me, I think she ran screaming away. Sickening, really.
If you want a little more detail about the ambience, here's the best I can tell you. Fancy. Fancy and reserved. I was intimidated, not just by the reverence of the legend of the place, but by the actual ambience.

But I'm not one to be kept down by a twist of bad luck. There's plenty more to enjoy in Monte-Carlo, being the bustling metropolis it is. (seriously, it is a BIG city, we think of Monaco as small, and it is, but the city of Monte-Carlo is formidable)
One of the cool things? The food! Within spitting distance of the casino is both Joel Robuchon's restaurant and Alain Ducasse's, 2 and 3 Michelin stars, respectively. So, being the smart-ass that I am, I had lunch at Robuchon's and dinner at Ducasse's.
At Robuchon's, I had all the French shit, man. Caviar, black truffles, and oh yeah, foie gras! It was awesome! Then, at Ducasse's, the menu was all in French, and I'm not so hot on French, so I didn't even know what the hell I was eating half the time, but, fortunately, it was delicious!
Unfortunately, it mixed even worse with me than the stupid seawater pool and the alchemy got worse and that foie gras turned into something you don't even want me to describe.

At this point, I was pretty sick of being sick and I just wanted to collect my shit back into one, cohesive, dumbass American pile and move along. But, you know, you can't go somewhere like Monte-Carlo and not take some souvenirs. I was weary, and luckily, right in my hotel room, they had an assortment of stuff that you could take. Unfortunately, I was also pretty broke by this time. So I perused the price list looking for cheap stuff and that's when I saw it.
In this place, this paragon of class and dignity, I found a rather unusual offering from the minibar. Condoms. And they were the cheapest thing on the list!

So I packed and giggled about this, and then, when I was done showering and getting dressed, I stumbled upon this sordid scene in the bedroom.
That's right, Lady Luck was getting lucky! Getting her freak on with the room service menu, irresponsibly (or, well, responsibly, actually) using up my cheap souvenirs!

Seriously, though, Monte-Carlo is a very special place. And every single person there will be certain to tell you that at every turn. (Also seriously. The city is special, the people are extremely special, and they just love talking about how
fucking special they all are. Gag.) I know I'm kind of slagging the place here,
but I do feel extremely lucky to have visited. It just was...well, it was Monte-Carlo. As a gambler, I had to check it out. But even though I strayed, my deep love affair with Vegas continues. And I don't think I'll ever stray again.

I did visit the other casinos while I was there, but, much like Cannes, they were small, sad, pathetic affairs. One of them was all red. I mean, red. And one was blue. It was...disturbing. So when I left Monte-Carlo I crossed over into Italy and visited San Remo, also on the Mediterranean, and also with a casino.

Lady Luck Charms the Cote d'Azur

2010-05-10T16:17:00.000-07:00

I know I've played this silly game a few times before, but it's a new year, and a new book for me, so I couldn't resist once again. I did not have a French or Italian (or American, for that matter) book tour. But my book, Lady Luck, did tour around the Cote d'Azur. Here's the results.

I don't hate or fear flying, I just generally think it's a pain in the ass. However, my flight from Frankfurt to Nice was pretty awesome, because we flew over the Alps, and it was, well, awesome.

So the first place I wanted to visit was Cannes, home of the famous film festival, rich folk, and sandy beaches. There are some pretty swank hotels in Cannes, but I picked mine based on some pretty simple criteria. An in-house casino.

It was the Palais Stephanie, which is built upon the site of the orginal Palais des Festivals and is directly on La Croisette (the beachfront). They're all about the film festival at this joint, as their lobby is decorated with an enormous palme d'or, and the rooms feature pics of movie stars.

Overall, it's a decent place with a GREAT location. It's got its own section of beach and a rooftop pool with a nice view of the area, and is just a couple minutes from the new Palais des Festivals. My book enjoyed the pool, naturally.

And then we also enjoyed the beach.

Okay, so here's what happened next. Outside the Palais des Festivals they have handprints of a bunch of movie stars. So I had this really funny idea worked out where I was going to find Quentin Tarantino's handprint, and I was going to put my book on it and take a picture and say,
"Oy! My book is in Quentin Tarantino's hands!" Ha ha ha, right? Except when I was there, they were gearing up for the Festival, so they had all around the complex blocked off. Fuckers! So instead I just got this lame picture of the theatre's red carpet area from a distance. And so I still remain far from ever having my book in Quentin's hands, even as a joke.

Dejected, my book and I meandered back along La Croisette until we happened upon this scene. Do you see it? Right in the middle, there's a guy playing the accordion, and he was throwing down with the traditional French songs.
Frankly, it was like a scene from a movie, and was a bit surreal, as I didn't really think I'd ever stumble upon such a quintessentially French scene, as I didn't think it ever actually happened, other than in movies. But since we were at France's place where they celebrate movies, I guess it made some
weird sense. Then, the guy actually busted out "La Vie en Rose" and I was like, "DAMN!" So there was nothing to do but brush away the bitterness of failed Quentin stalking-by-handprint-proxy and grab an ice cream and sit down and enjoy the Frenchness of the whole scene.

Now, honestly, though, I enjoyed my time in Cannes, but I was a little, um, surprised by it. Mostly because it was sort of like an upjumped Jersey Shore place, just change the Joisey accents to French ones and add more designer shops. But on the whole, it was still, well, kitsch. I mean, they even had carnival rides at the beach like this merry-go round.

And yes, I do realize the irony of me of all people telling you that someplace isn't as classy as expected. I mean, the only way I'd have been more out of place at Cannes would be if I had actually traveled with The Situation and Snookie. Nevertheless.

This was at the start of my trip, and I didn't want to get my book deported, so I didn't dare take pictures in any of the casinos, but, believe me, you're not missing anything. They were sad, small affairs, to the point where Atlantic City was looking mighty damn appealing in contrast. BUT! But, I didn't mind, because right around the corner was the next leg of my journey, and the place I'd waited my whole life to gamble.

If gambling was a religion, then this place would be like making a pilgrimage to mecca. Monte-Carlo, baby! Monte-freaking-Carlo!

Love for Lady Luck

2010-05-10T16:12:00.001-07:00

And now for more shameless self-promotion:
Lady Luck also got a couple of good reviews this weekend. One was from Midwest Book Review which said that it's "a Vegas mystery that many readers will simply love." And another was from my local paper, and they called it "classic DiPlacido." Hoorah!

Finally Number Five

2010-05-10T15:57:00.000-07:00

I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am to announce that my fifth book, House Money, is now released by Mundania Press.

I call this book my Medellin because of all the drama I had through the publication process. (If you don't get the reference, then you need to brush up on Entourage.) Hopefully, the end results for my project will turn out better than Medellin did for Vinny Chase. It's looking pretty good, as the book has already scored one awesome review from Literary Nymphs who said, "This is truly a wonderful find for me and I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did." Please do click the link for the full review, as it's well written and has a lot more to say.

This book also features my very favorite cover ever. It was designed by the talented Donald Capone (I will never be done thanking him), and because of it, I hope a lot of people will judge it by its cover.

And, in case your interest is peaked, here's what it's about:

Eva Russo is a tough and wise mobster's daughter who wants nothing more than to get herself, and her family, out of the business. But when her father, Joe Russo, a reputed gangster and half owner of the flailing Las Vegas casino The Oasis ends up murdered, Eva knows it was his captain, Dave 'The Sheik' DeSantis who made the hit.

Now that Dave's on the verge of claiming everything her father built, Eva has to go all in and immerse herself in the business while calling upon her blood family to help her wrestle control of her father's empire away from Dave. Eva thinks she's got plenty of ammunition to bluff her way through a showdown with Dave. She's got her tough, wiseguy fiancé, Vincent Vendetti by her side, not to mention her wild-spirited, casino-savvy cousin, Marina Martino. But Dave DeSantis isn't ready to fold his hand. Loyalties sway and the stakes are raised as the battle between families heats up. Before long, all bets are off as Eva and Dave go head-to-head, risking it all and gambling with lives and fortunes, each one desperate to take control of the house money.

NOW AVAILABLE AT THESE PLACES:
Mundania Press -Paperback - $12.95

Mundania E-Book - $4.99

Amazon E-Book - $3.99

Amazon paperback coming soon!

Interview with Don Capone

2010-04-28T19:14:00.000-07:00

The very talented and very funny Donald Capone was kind enough to interview me on his blog. He also posted a review of my new book, Lady Luck. (He liked it! He really liked it!) So do stop by and check it out.

Meister Mail

2010-04-12T00:35:00.000-07:00

To rev up for her new book release, my pal Ellen Meister is currently running a series giveaways for people who sign up for her mailing list. Eveyone who signs up will be entered into drawings for $25 Amazon gift cards. You can read about it at her blog or sign up directly right here. (Don't forget to click through when you get the confirmation e-mail.) Good luck!

Lucky Number Seven

2010-03-25T16:54:00.001-07:00

And I'm just as excited to announce that my seventh book is now also available. This one is not erotic, but it is a romantic comedy, and for added kicks, it's based on Hamlet. Seriously, can you think of something with more laughs than Hamlet?

Lady Luck

Do you believe in luck? Las Vegas showgirl Sherri DiPedi doesn't. But during a bizarre accident, she suffers a head injury and then strange, seemingly supernatural coincidences pile up which lead her to believe that she is the current incarnation of Lady Luck. It couldn't come at a better time, either. She suspects a family friend murdered her father in a move to take over his thriving business. Worse, she's worried that he's soon going to try to eliminate the last person standing in his way - Sherri.

But now, with luck on her side, along with the help of a charming cop she's just met, she's hoping to bring this man to justice. Can Sherri keep up with her new responsibilities to light up Las Vegas while she takes down her father's murderer? Is she really charmed, or is she just plain crazy? Make a wish, place your bet, and prepare to see just how powerful Lady Luck can be!

Paperback - $12.75
Kindle - $2.50

I'll be holding a couple of giveaways for this book also, so please check back for more info.

Sexy Number Six

2010-03-25T16:45:00.000-07:00

I'm quite pleased to announce that my sixth book is now available for sale. It's an erotic romance, and it's chock full of sex and Vegas and gambling.

Shuffle Up and Deal

Meet Izzy Santillo. She's a charming-but-lonely thirty-four year old woman who loves poker and harbors a secret crush on the reigning king of Hold 'em.

Meet Nick Nolan, the reigning king of Hold 'em. On the tables, he's fast and loose and almost always wins. But when it comes to women, playboy Nick holds his cards too close and always loses.

When Izzy and Nick meet in embarrassing fashion at a Las Vegas poker tournament, Izzy's secret dreams turn into a public nightmare. But despite her humiliation, she may have finally sparked Nick's interest in something other than cards. Before long, Nick takes a gamble on Izzy and raises the stakes when he offers to help her sharpen her game. But Izzy's convinced that Nick is bluffing and will fold his hand after he's had her on the flop. But a string of outrageous proposition bets and steamy trips on the poker tour, from Los Angeles to Miami, make these two fierce competitors realize that it may be time to put all their chips on the table. Will Izzy and Nick pair up? Or will they lose it all if they go all-in for each other? Sit down, ante up, and hang on, as Nick and Izzy get ready to Shuffle Up and Deal.

Paperback - $15.75
Kindle - $2.50

I'll be holding a couple of giveaways next month, so check back for details.

Naked I

2010-03-07T19:59:00.000-08:00

Shining star erotica writers Neve Black, Shanna Germain, and Donna George Storey have collaborated on a new and interesting website, F-Stop, Expose the naked I. It's a site dedicated to erotic art with an emphasis on "exposing the most vulnerable parts of each contributor." Do check it out for more info if you're interested in contributing, or, of course, just to peruse it as it is extremely interesting so far.

This week was my week for exposure, double-entendre intended, although I only complied in the one sense. You can check out my contribution right here.

Save Me, San Francisco

2010-03-03T17:55:00.000-08:00

I love the new Train CD, Save Me, San Francisco.

Instead of trying to recreate the full orchestra sound of their mega-hit, "Drops of Jupiter," they're back to their, mm, less-produced sounding, sometimes bluesy, sometimes clever, often catchy, and usually organic sound. If you listen to top 40 radio, you've probably been hearing the single, "Hey, Soul Sister" which is slightly reminiscent of their "Meet Virginia" days. But the rest of the album hangs together really well, and Pat Monahan's voice still sounds absolutely fantastic.

Spartacus: Blood and Cheeze

2010-01-25T21:51:00.000-08:00

So, Starz has debuted a new series. Spartacus: Blood and Sand. After seeing the premier episode, here's my brief review. I really miss HBO's Rome. Truly, madly, deeply miss Rome.

Longer assessment: This series is walking an odd line, because they're totally ripping off the effects of Zack Snyder's 300, and yet that was a graphic novel brought to screen, and this doesn't have that overall comic book feel. It just feels like they decided to use these nifty blood spatter techniques that were the rage a couple years ago. And everything else looks cheap and plasticy. And cheezy.

Lucky for them, I like cheezy! Particularly when it's accompanied by graphic nudity, sex, and violence. And you know I love my Roman history. And yet, well, I just fucking hated this thing. I'll watch a few more episodes, because January/February is the wasteland for entertainment. Maybe the cheeziness will grow on me. But more than likely, it'll just make me pine for Pullo, Vorenus, and Marc Antony again. Seriously. Do you remember how epic that episode was where Pullo had to fight in the gladiator ring? Fuck. I miss them. And Atia! I miss Atia. This here Spartacus has Lucy Lawless all tressed up as a redhead (just like Atia) with a seemingly conniving side, and I'll give her a chance. But Atia. *sigh*

Cocktails with Coco

2010-01-20T13:17:00.000-08:00

As late night TV once again goes through a seismic shakeup, once again with Jay Leno at the epicenter, the long-term ramifications for viewers may, this time, turn out for the worse. But for right now, it really is making for some awesome entertainment.

Letterman can't contain himself, and that's never a bad thing when he goes off in front of an audience. But Conan, the past couple of weeks, has been on fire. In my younger days, when Conan still held down the Late Night shift, it was standard operating procedure to sit around with some like-minded pals and, with the help of some cocktails or, more often than not, some, uh, silly cigarettes, and get the giggles thanks to Conan's weirdo sense of humor. Things seemed strange -- and not in a good way -- when he made the transition to that enormous stage in LA, though. It was like the quirky inside joke now had to be slightly sanitized and universalized for consumption by outsiders. But now, having accepted his fate, it's as though the shackles of expectation have fallen away, and he's just going off and being himself. Granted, he's got a lot of material to suddenly work with.

But there's a line between self-deprecating humor and maudlin whining in the guise of jokes. Conan has catapulted, in the absurd way that only he can, onto the correct side of that line. Suddenly, there's something truly enjoyable about mixing a stiff drink and clicking on The Tonight Show. I guess now that the worst has actually happened, Conan's decided to go out partying like it's once again 1999.

Watchmen

2010-01-12T19:19:00.000-08:00

How did I miss this movie during its theater run? Well, actually, I know how I missed it. Since my neighborhood movie theater closed last Christmas, I've been left with only the unpalatable option of going to the massive multiplex to catch movies. I hate that place, so my once weekly moviegoing habit has been reduced to going to that place only when it's something I feel the need to see immediately, and this didn't make my willing-to-brave-the-shitty-popcorn-plex list.

What a loss that was for me. I caught this the other night on HBO, and now I'm all set to go out and rent the four-hour version because I can't get enough. I wish I had seen this on the big screen, because its formidable, nearly three hour running time would've pushed my limits, but it probably would've been more than mitigated by the visual spectacle.

Though lacking in bona-fide star-power, this flick is absolutely overflowing with firepower. It is a comic book movie, so that's not everyone's cup of tea. But it also goes bounds beyond the neo-noir atmosphere of Nolan's Dark Knight and into an almost retro DePalma-sleazy territory with a gripping and gritty traditional noir, which creates a rather complex oxymoron and stylistic clash that shouldn't blend as wonderfully as it does. I mean, it takes a huge dose of suspension of disbelief to accept a gaint, glowing, blue superhero who walks around with his somehow strangely demure dick swinging free as he subdues the Vietnam war while juxtaposing that against the darkly gripping and dizzyingly dirty New York streets circa 1985. And yet, I leapt right over the line and allowed myself to be immersed in this flick.

Zack Snyder directed this monster project, giving it an authentic graphic-novel feel while masterfully using special effects, all while also keeping a handle on the sweeping narrative. The plot begins as a classic noir whodunit. It's an alternate 1985, with the US and USSR on the brink of nuclear catastrophe. Nixon is still in the White House, and although he outlawed vigilantes back in 1977, someone has just murdered the Comedian. So one of his superhero colleagues is compelled to investigate. The plot, mystery, and solution unravels in a convoluted tangle, as many noirs, harkening back to the original noir "The Maltese Falcon," are bound to do. But what this movie succeeds at, where recent entries such as "Dark Knight" only pretend to do, is not just create a stylish environment populated with eccentrics, but actually twist and question morality. While Batman is tortured, there is core of humanity about him. But here, in Watchmen, the superhero Dr. Manhattan is losing his very tenuous ties to humanity as he is truly no longer human, but a sentient quantum mechanical aberration. Meanwhile, some of his "superhero" buddies are bona-fide sociopaths -- more frightening that any villain. Also, there's graphic sex. No, we don't get to see the big blue schlong getting it on, exactly, but there's blood and sex to spare here, not to mention plenty of disturbing violence and over-arching moral ambiguity.

I would love to know how Snyder is viewed in "the industry" or even by "critics" but I'm too lazy to do any real research. However, something tells me that he's not taken exactly as seriously as he should be. This is his third movie, after Dawn of the Dead (which I loved) and 300. It's easy to take pot-shots at 300, but it's also easy to see that Snyder is, at this point, a crowd-pleaser, but he's also a crowd-pleaser with style and smarts to spare. His shot selection is impeccable, both for the comic book genre and noir. He seems to understand that there's a difference between darkness and murkiness and confusion. And while all three are components of noir, it's not essential to film things so that the actual visuals are too murky to discern the precise goings-on onscreen. Instead, there's a clarity to the action here so seldom seen onscreen in modern pictures without ever compromising the atmosphere. He uses old-school techniques in updated ways, using off-kilter and sometimes dizzying shots to create the visuals that match the internal conflicts, but these angles are also often beautiful, even in their most terrible and brutal depictions.

And though I'm often not a fan of CGI -- and I'm most certainly not a big fan of motion-capture, as I generally find it creepy, it works perfectly here for the portrayal of Dr. Manahattan, particularly because he's not human. And Billy Crudup's quiet monotone drives home his creepy, disconnected removal from humans. And the graphic-novel genre naturally lends itself to spectacular CGI, but while Snyder exploits the tricks at his disposal, it's to heighten the ambience and it meshes as an integral part of the picture instead of becoming the main appeal and making it cartoonish.

Fans of Grey's Anatomy will recognize the beloved-but-dead Denny, Jeffrey Dean Morgan as The Comedian.

He, uh, is quite devastating in this role, as his natural sex appeal works in tandem with the character's repellent actions as we watch him age over 40 years. The other cast standout is Jackie Earl Haley as Rorschach. He gives his best Eastwood throaty-snarl and his small stature does nothing to diminish his believability as a super-force, whether he's not in costume or wearing his "real" face -- a pretty nifty splotched and shifting mask. Haley's also going to be the new Freddy Krueger this year, and I have absolutely no doubt that he's going to be terrifying after seeing this flick.

And maybe I'll actually go to the theater to catch that movie, since seeing this one at home has finally given me a shot of remorse about missing something on the big screen.

Hibernation

2010-01-08T15:30:00.000-08:00

As Eddie Vedder said, I'm still alive. I guess the glut of TV repeats coupled with snowy weather hindering my moviegoing has just made it difficult to find things to post about. Christmas was okey dokey at Casa DiPlacido, though. Once Santa finished up with her chores, there was customary booze-filled celebration.

I know, right. The funniest thing about that picture is that even in a full costume with wig and beard and sunglasses, I am so obviously me. I'm like John Belushi in Blues Brothers disguise with those eyebrows and that nose of mine, and not one single child was confused about who "Santa" was for even a second -- hence the ample amounts of Absolut later. Pity that I vowed long ago to never post family pictures, because I swear to you, I had THE most adorable elf that ever existed with me this year.

So, all that business is over with. In case you've got a case of broken wallet syndrome after the glut of holiday spending and are now bored with little entertainment budget, I've got a deal for you. My pal and excellent writer Donald Capone now has a page at Smashwords. You can get a couple of his short stories, "nineleven" and "The Chambliss Tapes" for FREE. And his short story collection, Stories from Sunset Hill is just $1.00. Meanwhile, his comic novel, Into the Sunset is just $1.99. That's still one of my favorite books, and it's just the ticket to brighten up this dreadful time of year.

Cheers for Fears!

2009-12-16T20:41:00.000-08:00

Dexter wrapped up its fourth season on Sunday, delivering Showtime its highest ratings ever and giving a gruesome Christmas present to most Dexter fans.

This season again followed the formula by bringing in a Big Bad nemesis for Dexter and stirring ambivalent feelings within him. However, they managed to up the creepy factor by bringing in John Lithgow as the Trinity killer, a psycho who slips into bathtubs to slice open womens' femoral arteries, then forces housewives to plunge to their death, and in his spare time, he also enjoys clubbing men to death with framing hammers. Not exactly pina coladas and getting caught in the rain as personal ads go, but hey. And oh yeah, if that wasn't enough, he also does some unspeakable (and unshowable on even Showtime) things to ten year old boys. Still not convinced he's a monster? He called his wife a cunt at Thanksgiving dinner! Oh yes he did! It was quite possibly the quote of fall TV. "Shut up, Cunt."

Dexter certainly does want to kill this guy as one of his trophy targets. But it's the discovery that Trinity does have a wife, and a couple of children, that throws Dexter off his game as he feels compelled to "learn" from this guy to see how exactly he pulls off this balancing act of being a bloodthirsty psycho while incorporating a family life as cover. Along the way this season, Dexter made some uncharacteristic mistakes while trying to juggle all his responsibilities as a father, husband, blood spatter analyst, brother, and an accomplished serial killer in his own right.

I'll admit, the pace of this season did test me at times, but in every episode were some hidden delights. Michael C. Hall's portrayal of Dexter is still absolutely riveting. And John Lithgow was...well, John Lithgow. He was terrifying like no other adversary and brought a level of revulsion previously missing. The big delight of the season, though, was Jennifer Carpenter as Deb, Dex's sister. She had a trying season, as always, but she was absolutely heartbreaking in some of her scenes and seems to have really upped her game.

This year, the show fixed one of its finale flaws. In seasons past, the penultimate episode generally had the big shocks while the finale was often a letdown. This year, they saved the best for last, and for most hardcore fans, it wasn't just seeing Dexter ultimately dispose of the deranged Trinity. It was the big final twist, which really had been speculated since mid-season, but I don't think anyone really thought they'd actually do it. Dexter did get Trinity on his table, but unbeknownst to him, Trinity beat him to the punch and paid a visit to Dexter's home. When Dexter returned from his Trinity kill, feeling refreshed and reinvigorated and newly devoted to his family, he discovered his wife Rita dead in the bathtub.

At this moment, normal audiences would've gasped in horror. But we're Dexter fans here, people. We're allowed to take the joy and squeal as though we just opened a present on Christmas Eve. I mean, come on. It's RITA. She's just always been a dirge and fucking annoying and cramping Dexter's style, and this season she became insufferable. And since she's not a real person, but just a character in a show, I squealed with reckless abandon, loving every second of it. I even applauded.

Well done, Dexter. Well done.

Flesh for Fantasy

In other show news, are you watching Chef Academy still? If not, here's what you missed: Emmanuel naked! That's right, this week was literally the battle of French Ass. Chef Novelli, who simply is an ass, and Emmanuel, who showed his. Oh, you knew it was coming, right? Yeah, they made him strip down to just his apron to serve a special dessert to another classmate, and he even let her fondle his ass for an extremely prolonged period. Again, totally contrived show. But it's a contrived show with a great ass!

Best Top Chef, Ever!

2009-12-09T22:08:00.000-08:00

Not only does Michael Voltaggio become Top Chef, he bests his older brother and overcomes both the reality TV car curse and the dreaded "douchebag edit" to do so.

For their final challenge, Bryan, Mike, and Kevin got assigned a Chopped-like basket for one of their courses where they had to utilize rock fish, crab, lemon, squash, matsutake mushroom, and anise hyssop (WTF?) in their dish. Then, they were allowed to cook whatever they wanted for a second course, and then a mandatory dessert.

First they drew knives, and Kevin obviously got the dull knife when he pulled Preeti as his first sous chef, and he simmered in rage about it and lost a lot of time the first day due to her sub-par skills. This was strikingly reminiscent of the first episode when Preeti bombed out on the relay race by being unable to shuck clams. Luckily for Kevin, he had Ash for the second day, and Ash was superstar for him. Bryan, meanwhile, drew Ashley and Jennifer, so he was set up perfectly, and Mike got Jessie and Eli, which worked out well for him.

The twist arrived early on the second morning of their prep when their mothers showed up at their hotel. Kevin's mother was absolutely lovely. A redhead, natch, and southern lady who obviously adores her son and they were just too cute for words. Then we got the requisite comments about how poor Mom Voltaggio must feel proud but also torn, seeing her kids compete against each other. Seriously? This isn't something to cry about, producers. They're competing against each other in a cooking show, not fighting against each other in fucking World War II. This angle was also exploited later at the dinner table. When the chefs arrived at the kitchen, they were told that they now had to do four courses, and the first one must be be reminiscent of their childhood, and their mothers ended up at the table to taste the first course. It was like Sophie's Choice when Padma asked Mom V which of her son's dish was better. But, unlike Meryl Streep, Mom V just wouldn't choose.

Kevin stayed true to his roots all through the meal, serving up a first course of crispy chicken skin with tomato and squash soup which was well received, while Bryan served up ostensibly under-seasoned sardine with panko to honor his mom's tuna casserole. Meanwhile, the dish that Mike served was textures of broccoli with a spot prawn, which looked characteristically goofy and interesting, which is another way of saying it had Mike V seasoned all over it. These spot prawns are also rapidly becoming a Top Chef suicide dish, as the entire table never agrees if they're cooked properly. Someone is always bitching about undercooked while someone else likes it.

But as much as the dish itself was interesting, what grabbed my attention was something that Michael finally articulated, which I'd somewhat suspected, and which is probably why I tended to connect with his food ideas from the start. He said he had always been a picky eater and doesn't really like a lot of food, so he approaches a lot of cooking as a way to create the ingredient in a manner that he'll like. I just totally get that. I love food and I love to eat, but I've also been somewhat narrow in my likes/dislikes, so I really respond to different interpretations that can introduce me to ingredients. It's like when someone says, "I don't like tuna." Okay. So you don't like tuna from a can, but how about seared ahi? Whole different world. And that's what he does with food -- opens up new and unexpected avenues.

So then they kicked the moms off the table so that they could talk nasty about their children's food without making the moms feel bad. Or, perhaps, they just sent them away because they sadistically like to keep people hungry. Either way, the moms made a trip to the kitchen, hugged goodbye, and were sent away without any supper. Second course came, the one with the rock fish and mushroom, and everyone agreed that Bryan's was nice, if slightly underseasoned again. Kevin fucked up his matsutake mushroom and made it tough. And Mike seemed to do the best overall by crisping the mushroom and making the lemon pop and cooking the fish correctly.

The third course was probably the most indicative of each chef's true culinary personality. Bryan cooked a venison saddle that was extremely well received. Not the least bit shocking, Kevin cooked pork belly, which, completely shocking, didn't go over exceptionally well. Some of the judges thought it was a bit undercooked, or just didn't pop. At this point, I knew Kevin wasn't going to win. He's got a pig tattoo for Chrissakes, so if his slab of bacon in this dish didn't connect with everyone, he was a goner.

Mike served fennel squab with pistacchio cassoulet and real and fake mushrooms, and there was, as is customary for his dishes, both high praise and some criticism. Donatella Arpaia dinged him for his mushroom puree that was shaped into a mushroom and called it a gimmick, and it was at this exact point that I realized I was really rooting for Mike because I wanted to pop her in the face for it. I don't mind her when she's contrary to Jeffrey Steingarten on Iron Chef, but otherwise, she generally bugs me. Nevertheless, it's not even just Mike's cooking in general that polarizes, or even specific dishes, but even elements within each dish that causes dissent in opinion, and that's when I knew that he was definitely going to win.

When dessert came down, Bryan's was the most well received, as it was the most balanced and sophisticated with his dulce de leche cheesecake with a fig sorbet. Kevin then delivered himself the death blow by serving a chocolate-bacon sauce along with roasted banana and bacon sprinkles. Okay, look. This is what sums it up for me with Kevin. An awesome chef and cook, he most certainly is. But I never connected with his dishes, and a big part of that is because -- go ahead and get ready to hiss at me here -- I don't really like bacon. I know, that seems like an unreasonable statement, but it's true. I don't mind pork belly, per say. Sometimes I like some pancetta. But American bacon is always too smoky and too salty and I dislike it as an element in dishes because it's all I end up tasting. Most people say that any dish can be improved with bacon, whereas I think it ruins most stuff. And though I do enjoy sweet-salty flavor combos for some dessert, I don't ever want bacon near my chocolate. And, apparently, Stephen Starr of Buddakan agrees with me on that point, so he dinged Kevin's dessert.

Michael's dessert looked like it could be his undoing. It was a chocolate cake with a caramel-lava filling accompanied by pumpkin ice cream and candied pumpkin seeds. He fretted about overcooking it, and, indeed, everyone agreed that the cake was too dry. However, everyone also went to great lengths to rave about the flavor combos and the idea of it and the candied pumpkin seeds and it was all over except for handing out the prize money.

At judges' table, they were asked to speak about why they should be chosen Top Chef. Again, a bullshit little factor for television sake, as I don't care if the chef is sometimes a dickhead (obviously) or if he/she can eloquently argue their worth. The decision should come from the food. Bryan looked flustered at having to give this speech, and he rambled on a bit about his reasons with the usual stuff that should be said.

Then, when they asked Michael why he should be Top Chef, he said, "Because I don't want Bryan to be Top Chef." Outstanding! It was funny alright, and Bryan got cracked up, and finally one of his "tacky" cocky comments came off the way it was intended.

Then Kevin said something, but he was mostly feeling sad that his bacon wasn't well received, and I think he knew at that point that he was going to pack his knives. And, indeed, it seems as though poor Kevin may have paid the price for drawing Preeti as his sous on the first day and having to do too much himself and therefore not having the perfection factor that he usually had. So he was dismissed in third place, leaving the brothers. Kevin was, again, adorable, as he put his head on his mom's shoulder in consolation.

Bryan was squirming like crazy. Usually so composed, the tension just oozed out of him by this point, and that's when I felt a little bad for him. At least Kevin had wracked up some nice cash and prizes along the way, and he's definitely a shoo-in for fan favorite. Meanwhile, Bryan got the goose egg all season, and I'd actually peg him as my fan favorite at this point, but he doesn't have a shot in hell at it. He picked up that stuffed shark for his son and is going home empty handed other than that. On the upside? I wasn't kidding about wanting to dine at his joint, Volt, but it seems I can't get a reservation until 2011. 2011. He says his restaurant is now operating at 100% capacity, every night. Good for him. Fucking, good for him. I guess maybe that goose egg was actually the goose that keeps laying golden eggs for him. (too forced a metaphor? tough shit, it's all food related, so cut me some slack!)

So then Padma said, "Michael, you are top chef." And the hugs ensued and I don't think she ever got to tell Bryan to pack his knives, because Mom V was there, hugging Michael but giving the cow eyes to Bryan over Mike's shoulder. Bryan was super-classy and stoked for his brother, and meanwhile, Mike cried and said he wished that they could have both won!

I shit you not. And it was totally believable. After all the trash talk all season and pumping himself up to beat Bryan, it was as though he hadn't finally slayed the sibling birth order disorder, but instead was just watching his beloved brother lose. Awwwww. I have a feeling that within three seconds he was over that, though, and rubbing Bryan's face in it, which is exactly as it should be.

And, finally, the bitter taste of last season is washed away. I know, I know Michael gave a couple of quotes that gave people the ammunition to dislike him personally. But, seriously, he split up his $10k prize and shared it with his teammates. Would a genuine asshole do that? There are a lot of nice people who wouldn't do that. In the "actions speak louder than words" department, that was pretty damn generous of him.

The knives are all packed up now, and save for the reunion next week, we don't have to see Tom's twatty face for another year, and we won't hear Padma's slow-talking, or see Gail's boobs or horrible dresses.

Mike Voltaggio was a perfect match for the flash and sass of the Vegas setting with his sexy and often funny plates. But, also like Vegas demands, it was his willingness to take big risks that put him over the top to cash in with the big reward.

With a Grain of Salt

2009-12-04T17:35:00.000-08:00

Alas, our darling damsel Jennifer ducks out of the final competition that'll be between Bryan V, Mike V, and Kevin. Though twat-Tom was pleased with the duckiness of her dish, her braised duck legs, confit duck breast and foie gras vinaigrette ducked up her shot at the big prize. Though Bravo makes certain to edit the judges table with as much ambiguity as possible, they coyly dropped the hint at the start of the episode when they featured Jen saying how "even an extra grain of salt" can get you eliminated at this point. And it was, ultimately, the fact that her dishes were oversalted that caused her to leave.

Or, for those amongst us more jaded and who saw the new promo showcasing the brothers jousting/fencing with rolling pins and a spatula, Jennifer finally had to go because we had to have this final three. Salt, drama, siblings, bacon, grapes, whatever. I felt bad when she had to do the Jeff Lewis head turn to avoid crying right at the camera, though.

There can't even be any debate at this point that this leaves the very strongest three cooks and chefs in the competition, and that this final three is, by a wide margin, the most talented group ever on Top Chef. So relax, fans, there will be no sneaky, sucktastic Hoseaing of the final. Whoever wins is a worthy winner. Kevin cooks great food and always seems to please the judges' palates. Bryan combines creativity and cooking to serve up some of the most succulent and sophisticated dishes ever displayed on this show. And Michael, well, plenty of people will be gnashing their teeth and pissed if he wins, but not because he doesn't have the culinary chops. He's twice been tagged as Picasso, and as of last night, he also got his second "genius" comment. His cooking is innovative and challenging, combining technique and unusual flavor profiles with often flirty or fanciful results. What would upset viewers about him winning is that he's simply been portrayed as an asshole.

Jen was darling just before her swan song. I loved the little visit to the Rutherford Hill wine caves with Tony Terlato himself for a private tasting. Jen, of course, whimsically asks the big guy how much alcohol is in the juice! I will refrain from commenting on her newly permed hairdo out of kindness for the cutie. (This is a courtesy that I will not extend to Padma's bangs. What. The. Fuck. Padma? Between her hair and Gail's boobs unceremoniously falling out all over during the crush party it was a strange moment for feminine wiles.) Also cute about Jen? How badly she wanted to win the Prius in the quickfire challenge. She admitted that she didn't even have a CD player in her car and that she still listens to her high school mix tapes. Though endearing, I certainly wouldn't have begrudged her upgrading and winning. But, alas, was not to be. They had 30 minutes to cook something that showcased grapes while on the moving Napa train with Michael Chiarello judging.

Anyone watch Top Chef Masters? I've always liked Chiarello and I think he can cook. But he was such an asshole on that show that I was wondering if he was going to dish out more shit to these contestants. Instead, he was jovial and kind, complimenting them all, save for his disain with Bryan for using concord grapes, as they aren't local. Fuckers. If they didn't want him to use concords, why put them out there? As a trap? Fuckers. Kevin struggled with motion sickness on the train and Bryan, well, besides the concord thing, he always bombs on quickfires, so it was Mike V who won the Prius by using not just the grape in his scallop-grape kabob thingy, but also the leaf and stems in other elements of his plate. This fact should actually thrill those are now thoroughly reVOLTed by him, because, as you probably know, there's some Reality Show Rule where those who win the car don't win the grand prize. Don't believe me? Just ask Colby Donaldson, or Richard Blais, or Memphis or on and on and on.

But it naturally just made Mike more cocky entering the elimination challenge where they ended up having to cook two dishes for the crush party. Mike, for his vegetarian dish, made a 63 degree egg with vegetable pistou and I was shocked by this not because his idea was that when you'd break and mix the egg, it would become a pseudo-custard, but because I had no idea that eggs were vegetarian. Can someone out there please explain to me what exactly is vegetarian about an egg without striking other political cords? Anyhow, though Padma made some noise about how her egg could've been cooked more, that didn't go very far, because I think Tom was like, "pregnant shmegnant don't eat the raw egg Padma, yours is already fertilized as we can all see and I'm sick of people thinking I'm the baby-daddy and then laughing like that'd be absurd cuz you're too hot for me and I'm just hot in a gay-bear way but even though I'm soo over that it doesn't make me gay to notice your awful bangs even if I'm not banging you" so that he could devour more of Mike's turnip soup with foie gras and poached pear.

Kevin, meanwhile, as usual, cooked at the opposite spectrum by serving up roasted carrots and beets over a carrot top puree for his veggie dish and brisket over pumpkin polenta for his other dish. He got called out for his brisket not being tender enough, but he tried to talk his way out of it, saying that it needed to be more "toothsome" because it was over soft polenta and whatever. Ok. Look. I like Kevin. I think he's adorable and can cook. But, personally? I don't want to eat his food. Admittedly, southern cooking isn't my favorite genre anyhow, but it's just not really interesting sounding to me. On top of that, I go against the grain for those who think that Kevin is infallible in his wonderfulness. His talking game here was fine, and I have come to understand that part of the unfairness of Top Chef is that, sometimes, people can put up a good enough fight at judges' table defending their dish and they don't end up leaving. This sucks for the less eloquent or less inclined to verbally joust, but it's part of Bravo TV, you know? I had no problem with his defense of his meat here this time, but it reminded me of Restaurant Wars and his idiotic defense of his too rare lamb when he admitted that Laurine wanted "medium-rare" to be cooked more and then he said he didn't think either of them was right or wrong. Uh, that was talking in circles and there is a right and wrong when it comes to temperature of meat, and it was him talking around his major screw up. He never admits when he muffs it.

Add to that, I wondered if his rare-lamb wasn't a silent sabotage on Laurine, and now this week, he's the woodfire grill expert, and we see him giving Jen advice, but then the grill gets all fucked up and it's all Jen's fault. Granted, it was her dish and was her fault, but she thought Kevin was looking out for her. Kevin's the dude who point-blank asked Bryan Voltaggio temperature and technique questions and got them answered properly and it helped him win. But when he "helps" someone it generally leads to their downfall. I wouldn't mind that if he'd own it and take a little glee in it. Then again, perhaps the grill was just a bad coincidence and Jen was going home for a salt issue anyhow and it wasn't predetermined because of her previous faltering and Bravo's need for the battle of the brothers and kewpie doll Kevin. Salt, people, she oversalted!

For his part, Bryan Voltaggio has pretty much risen to become a really lovely guy on the show.

He speaks about how much he wants to go to the finals with Mike, and they give the contrasting shot of Mike saying that the "right" thing to say is that he wishes Bryan luck, but that he really wants to beat him and would be "relieved" if Bryan got booted out now! So there it goes for sure -- he does know the right thing to say, but then says what he really thinks anyhow! I love it. I have a feeling he'll NEVER have that kind of candor in front of a camera after watching this season air and hearing people's reactions to him, though. Anyhow, Bryan made fig-glazed short ribs and for his vegetarian dish a goat cheese ravioli with squash and fennel that "swept-away" Gail and made me want to lick my screen. Though there were some nitpicks about not enough salt and not enough fig flavor, he ended up winning the elim challenge, though this brought him no hard currency nor car.

So, the tally as I have it for the final three so far is:
Mike V -- $15k in a quickfire, $10k for Restaurant Wars, and a Prius
Kevin -- $15k in a quickfire, $30k in an elim challenge, a set of Calphalon, and GE appliances (which everyone agrees suck, but, still)
Bryan -- $0. So far, I think he's been bageled. He even refused the $2.5k his brother tried to give him from Restaurant Wars.

Who looks like the big winner? Yeah, I don't see Bryan leaving empty handed, and I have no trouble with that. I would love to eat at his joint someday. But, in this triumvirate, I have no trouble with Kevin winning, either. Just cause his food is not my thing doesn't mean I don't see the care, thoughtfulness, and yum factor for others in it. And Mike, of course, asshole he may be, but a badass cook he also most certainly is.

Now, I also want to talk about Bravo's new, other cooking show, Chef Academy. If you haven't watched it yet, it's much more Bravo-y than Top Chef. By that, I mean to warn you that the spontaneous drama is totally scripted, and the Michelin star Star Chef is Jean Christoph Novelli, whom the New York Times proclaimed the "world's sexiest chef," and who absolutely loves to be totally tan, totally French and totally psycho on TV. His histrionics and jerking around of the nine students is Machiavellian and sometimes borderline malicious, and you won't learn a thing about cooking by watching this show. It's all centered around food, but they exclude major ingredients so that his dishes can't be replicated at home and it's much more competition than classroom. As for the contestants, there's an OC Housewife chick and even a bona-fide porn star.

In other words, this show is pretty effing entertaining! I'll be watching it.

In contrast? Bravo's new design show, Launch My Line. Trainwreck. From the creepy twin gay hosts who want to be known as D-Squared but will definitely be known as Double Ds to the "dandy" and his dandy expert and the entire concept of there being a designer from another field getting paired up with an expert in fashion and they're going to only use 10 fabrics all season and whatever the fuck else strange constrictions get placed on them, Bravo is contorting itself to replace Project Runway, but I think Heidi and Tim can rest easy for a while. Trainwreck. In other words, I'll be watching it.

SANTA Sale at Mundania Press

2009-12-01T18:19:00.000-08:00

Mundania Press is now offering a special holiday sale for all their imprints. When you purchase direct from them, simply enter the discount code SANTA when checking out, and you get a 20% discount on the entire order. This runs from now through New Year’s Day, January 1, 2010 on Mundania, Awe-Struck, and Phaze Books.

You can take advantage of this for a couple of items of mine. My book, Trattoria is available in paperback for $15 (that's $12 after the discount), or e-book format for $4.99 (that's $4 after the discount), and it's right here in both formats:
Trattoria at Mundania

I also have a special, extra-smutty, Christmas themed snuggler available for just one dollar, so with the 20% discount, that's an 80 cent read. That's available right here:
'Twas the Night After Christmas at Phaze

Thanks!

The Silence of the Lambs

2009-11-20T19:25:00.000-08:00

So the mini Bocuse d'Or, presided over by Thomas Keller and other Bocuse cookerati, was just the challenge to knock out Eli and his undercooked lamb, leaving us with the most solid final four in the history of Top Chef. Since the start of the season, Jen, Michael, Brian, and Kevin have dominated this competition. Between them, the foodie four has managed to win every single elimination challenge, with Jen logging one, Bryan and Michael three wins each, and Kevin five, including taking top honors at this Bocuse challenge. In doing so, he locked up a chance to compete for a spot on the 2010 American Bocuse team, along with a crisp 30k.

Kevin's only failure this season came during restaurant wars, when he notoriously served bloody "jello" lamb, but managed to get Laurine kicked out instead because the dish was ultimately hers and it was her responsibility to have sent the lamb dishes back to him to cook properly. But if that one challenge faux pas on redbeard's record haunted him at all, he was given the opportunity to silence the screaming of those lambs when he chose lamb over salmon as his protein for the mock-Bocuse. But just like Clarice Starling, he couldn't take on the tricky task without consulting a more seasoned pro for advice on how to properly sous vide his piece of meat.

And we all know by now exactly who knows all the culinary tricks on this season's Top Chef. Whether you want to emulsify eggs, dehydrate garlic, or flambe a flower, look no further than the Voltaggio brothers, who've turned more tricks on a day in a Vegas kitchen than Airforce Annie does on each episode of "Cathouse." Lucky for Kevin -- though potentially a missed opportunity for us sadistic viewers -- he chose to consult the non-sociopathic, non-overwhelmingly ego-saturated younger brother Michael and instead asked Bryan how to prepare his protein. Honestly, I thought this was pretty ballsy of Kevin at this point, because this is a competition, and if he'd have asked me, I'd have been torn between being a competitor and telling him to fuck off and being a "good sport" and helping him out. (A third option, which would've been incredibly naughty, would've been to give him improper directions and sabotage him. Which, by the way, I've wondered in passing isn't what Kevin did to Laurine -- fucked up her dish, even if it was subconsciously.) Bryan, of course, had this dilemma cross his mind, but it was merely a passing thought, and as he explained, cooking is about learning and teaching others, so he told Kevin exactly what to do. In doing so, he ironically probably lost out on the 30 grand himself and the opportunity to Bocuse it up, because Bryan's dish was, overall, much more intricate and beautiful and showcased a couple of culinary clever twists that the judges appreciated. But Bryan's lamb didn't cook exactly correctly, and Kevin's did. So even though the judges agreed that Kevin's dish was "too simplistic" they awarded him the win for a lack of any mistakes. Have the lambs stopped screaming, Kevin?

Also cooking lamb with Kevin and Bryan was big loser Eli. Lamb is quickly joining panna cotta as a dish of death for this program, as over the past couple of seasons, bad lamb has claimed a lot of decent cooks. Eli managed to turn out an interesting looking dish, but his arugula coulis couldn't cover up his way-bloody lamb. It puts the sauces on its meat! But it still manages to go home, leaving viewers to rejoice at the best final four ever!

Meanwhile, while Kevin chose the lamb for "sustainability" reasons -- most definitely the buzzword and social conscience of this season's Top Chef, Jen managed to climb back on the horse and take the win at the quickfire challenge when she made a seafood ballotine with calamari that looked pretty damn tasty. Kevin also racked up cute karma points when he winked at her in happiness after she got her good review from Padma and guest judge and former Bocuse chef, Gavin Kaysen. However, in the elimination challenge, she undercooked some of her salmon which kept her out of the running for the win. But she made good looking dishes that most of the judges agreed tasted really good, and it seems like she's pulled her shit together to head into the semi-finals. Also notable is that Jen also showed a lot of class and paid back Bryan's Kevin-helping karma by helping Bryan get his plates together in time.

And that gives us the perfect segue to talk about the one who has not wracked up good karma or been shown to display a lot of class. I have tried. I really tried and initially got behind Mike V's swagger because he could cook his ass off. But it hits a point where enough is enough, and I know they're editing him to make him look like a perfect jackass, but it's also not like they're making him say some of the shit he's saying and with the attitude he's saying it. Talk about Silence of the Lambs, fuck, It's now hit the point where he really shouldn't be allowed to sit down and give his confessionals unless he's outfitted with a contraption like this:

I mean, seriously, this dude manages to always say something obnoxious anymore. It actually hit the point where even I was exasperated with him when he mouthed off about Jen hitting a wall and having nothing left to offer in the competition. (This was shown just before Jen won the quickfire, making him look even assier.) But, lucky for him, I enjoy rooting for the villain and I actually found his assholery funny by the time he idiotcially whined about not winning the quickfire by saying that they never specifically said they were supposed to make a ballotine, when in fact that was specifically stated, and that if he had known he was supposed to do that, he could've made a better one than Kayson could ever make. I mean, I actually laughed at this point because they're getting such great asshole material from this guy. It would be one thing if he was spouting off saying this stuff with a light attitude or smirky swagger a la Stefan, but instead he's devolved into actually saying this stuff with a serious, smug, and sneering edge to it, which just makes it so damn obnoxious. Worse, it makes him look so small and petty, as though he's going out of his way to cut down not just Kevin now, but absolutely everyone who anyone might perceive as being a good cook, because Chef Michael just must be the smartest and most technically gifted chef ever. He's actually comical with it, though, sadly for him, unintentionally comical, much like Kristen Wiig's weirdo character who one-ups everyone she speaks to.

He's at the point where I don't think there's any possibility of a redemption edit for his "character" on the show. I seriously cannot wait for the reunion show to see Andy Cohen start picking at this scab and to see how Mike is going to react to it all. Will he be able to laugh at how he was portrayed? Or is he going to bring his sourpuss along and whine about how unfair it was and reinforce the perception of him being a self-serious shit and make Andy's "Jackhole of the week" list?

That said, though, his dish wasn't a judge favorite this week because Alex Stratta found a bone in his piece of salmon, and no one was a fan of his cucumber-tzatziki garnish, but, overall, he still managed to turn out one of the more interesting dishes. But the question is, is he also getting wound tighter and will his hubris do him in? If he can show up in Napa and cook the way he's capable, he could still win. But if he shows up and serves his ego with some fava beans and a nice chianti, he might just get knocked out.

Sinspiration

2009-11-12T17:14:00.001-08:00

Life isn't always fair, and neither are all the challenges on Top Chef. This week, after a breakfast-in-bed quickfire featuring Nigella Lawson, the six remaining chefs got shipped off to different hotels from which they were supposed to draw their inspiration. The unfair part? One gets sent to Bellagio, while another gets sent to Circus Circus. For non Vegas-philes, that's the equivalent of giving one contestant foie gras to work with and the other one cat food. But cooking ability is a hell of an equalizer, and it turned out that both of those chefs landed in the bottom.

Surprisingly, the most disturbing part of the show wasn't the freakishly bad Circus Circus themed dish offered by Eli -- a weird caramel apple/peanut soup with crushed popcorn garnish and raspberry dome. As off-putting as that was, it was still just profoundly sad to see Jen struggle again. The girl can cook, we all know that by now. But the competition portion doesn't seem to be her forte, and while I don't blame her for that, I can't help but feel bad for her, because it's obvious that she's embarrassed and nearly mortified every time she does something less-than-perfect on national TV. What is slightly charming though is how she makes pleas for affection with each successive failure. In the "Glad" sorrow pantry after restaurant wars, she sadly asked if anyone wanted to cuddle with her before she met her fate with the judges. Last week, after being assigned "The Flintstones" tv show for inspiration, she spoke of how she relates to Pebbles, because she has a big strong boyfriend who pulls her by her hair, which could be fun. This week, she again got a shit draw as she was forced to go to the Excalibur Casino for her assignment. Talk about a shithole. But Jen made the best of it by drinking beer and then reinforced the idea that she embraces brutish behavior when she asked Mike V. if he'd want to be her prince charming.

It's a testament to how adorable Jen is that I felt instant animosity toward Nigella when she made a lame-but-catty remark about Jen's food. Also interesting was how the other three judges fell completely silent and neither agreed with nor encouraged Nigella's remarks. Once again in this strange, enjoyable season, my Colicchio disdain clicked down another level when he tried to reign the bitch in. I don't know when it happened, but somewhere along the way, with all the fun he's been having this year, I've come to actually sort of...like Tom now. As for Lawson, I'd always thought Nigella was gorgeous, and she still is, but her commentary seemed pathetically rehearsed and cloying. Saying that panna cotta should "jiggle like a 17th century courtesan's inner thigh" is just a little over the edge with supposed cutesy factor and ends up sounding lame. The woman has traded on her looks as a mistress of food porn for a long time now, but when those sorts of quips are neither sexy nor clever, and I kind of hoped she'd choke on some of Eli's popcorn soup by the end of the show.

What wasn't lame was Toby's comments in the winner's circle. Once again, Kevin and the Voltaggio brothers had the cuisine that reigned supreme. Kevin had visited the Mirage and was too cute playing with the dolphins and he turned out a salmon dish that looked damn good. Bryan V had a hilarious moment this week when he called home and said hello to his 2 year-old son and the kid hollered, "Bryan!" Not "Dad." "Bryan!" Bryan sort of laughed at it though and said, "Yeah, it's...okay, it's Bryan. Sure." He then visited Mandalay Bay and Shark Reef, bought a little stuffed shark for his obviously precocious child and cooked up something, I don't know, I think it was halibut and polenta, because he always cooks halibut and polenta and he ended up in the top of the challenge after once again bombing out in the quickfire, after serving, I don't know, I think it was halibut and polenta with a vanilla cream sauce or something.

But the high entertainment again came due to the younger brother, Michael Voltaggio. He made the winning dish of a de-boned chicken wing that was inspired by New York, New York Casino. It was cooked confit in a curry flavor and served with a blue cheese semifreddo and it did seem interesting and looked tasty. But Toby busted out this gem, then. He told Michael that it seemed very representative of Mike's cooking style, which is generally rather "delicate, and sometimes even effeminate." Oh Ho! That comment, I'd assume, would really get under Mike's skin, but I think that either he didn't hear the "effeminate" crack, or he didn't understand the "effeminate" crack, or the editors had a little more fun with him, because Mike responded by enthusiastically smiling, nodding and saying, "I'm a big believer that the personality should come across on the plate." That is just too funny to imagine that Mike Voltaggio happily agrees that he's effeminate. Something tells me that while he may be extremely smart about food, when he's out of the kitchen he just may not be playing with a full knife set. Meanwhile, we got treated to a whole new brother reaction shot to that whole exchange as Bryan just smirked like all shit with it. Yep, it takes a real man to be called "Bryan" by his toddler son and understand the implications of cooking effeminate food. I guess halibut and polenta is at least three ticks higher on the macho scale than confit chicken. I'm telling you, not since Frasier and Niles have we had so much fun with fucked up brothers on TV.

As the recent Top Chef reunion dinner just showed, though, people don't forget if you're a slamming cook, but they also really don't forget if you come across like a jizz on this show. I know Bravo expected us all to think that season five's Stefan was douchebag numero uno for his season, but that never panned out, as his lesbian love and amazing culinary chops overshadowed his ego. And though he did show a propensity for arrogance, he was pretty funny about it and never once took himself seriously. I mean, he called himself a twat a couple times. So he was actually kind of lovable, and it's still a travesty that he didn't take the title, and it was great to see him again. Also at the dinner, though? Season two's Marcel and Ilan. What the fuck. If you didn't watch that season, I can't even begin to talk about the assholery that ensued to explain it to you. Which is why the Bravo wizards forced poor Fabio to try and rehash all the distasteful -- no, actually borderline disgusting -- behavior that erupted that season. And if Michael V doesn't chill out a bit with his blatant self-serving comments and quick temper, he could easily end up filling one of the seats at Bravo's "notorious" table at the next reunion show. At the very least, Andy Cohen is gonna have his ugly way with him when the season ends.

But, as much as the production team pokes the bear with Michael, and for as strange as Eli's dish sounded this week, it was Robin who finally, mercifully, got the axe. She was the one who was sent to the Bellagio for inspiration and she ended up making the panna cotta that didn't jiggle like a courtesan's whatever, and her "stained glass" sugar decoration didn't work out, so she bit the dust. First of all, panna cotta will always get you into trouble on Top Chef, presumably because it's not a difficult dish to turn out, but the chefs inevitably fuck it up, which makes it less forgivable than someone like Eli who takes a leap with his apple-peanut soup and screws it up. But Robin's big downfall is that she fell into the trap of feeling "less than" in this competition. She got sucked in by watching the Voltaggio brothers perform culinary pyrotechnics and so she kept trying to do some cool things that she'd never done before and would fail at execution of both the tricky shit and the simple shit. If she's just made food that tasted good, maybe she could've persevered. But instead of playing her game and cooking her food, she tried to cook V-bro food and failed. Man, I love to cook, but I would never attempt to cook like those V brothers at home, because I know it'd turn out a hot mess. Also, I don't have liquid nitrogen at my disposal. (Here's hoping for some for Christmas!)

So, next week, the final five get to compete in the lauded Bocuse d'Or, with Thomas Keller judging. Will he be cool? Will Tom continue his good guy gracious ways? Will the brothers and Kevin keep dominating? Will Michael figure out what "effeminate" means and give an on-camera confessional shrugging it off like a cool guy while he then abuses some cooking utensils and curses when he thinks he's not being filmed? Will Jen pull herself out of funk, or will she continue to self-destruct while throwing herself into the arms of another random waiting man? Will Bryan's son come to accept him as his father? And Eli? Well, who gives a shit about Eli. It's always been about Kevin, Jen and the Volts, and hopefully they'll all make through the B d'Or to hit final four.

Sibling Revelry

2009-10-29T16:40:00.000-07:00

This week on Top Chef we had Natalie Portman show up to give us the required vegetarian challenge. This inspired some of the chefs to wacky new heights while inspiring Gail to wear this bizarre green number that I can only assume was supposed to be the sartorial interpretation of bib lettuce that'd make any bridesmaid weep.

Once again this week, taking top honors was Kevin. His dish of smoked kale, turnip puree and roasted mushrooms made the diners not miss the meat. I don't understand how anyone could dislike this guy. He's good tempered, a great competitor, and an excellent cook and chef. Up until this week, he's been the meat guru who loves pork so much he's actually got a pig tattooed on his arm. He cooks comfort food with class, and has absolutely dominated this season while being humble and homey about it all. I loved the little bonus clip this week that had the chefs eating at Bartolotta. (On a side note, every single food show I've ever seen with Paul B in it, he treats the people to dine at his joint and treats them like kings. This is most definitely not a perk to be scoffed at, unlike the GE appliances that Kevin won this week that just made him giggle and say, "Okay.") But as Kevin's eating with the rest of the gang, he is going to town on the food, man, and actually comes out and says that it's not an accident that he's chubby, but that it's a personal choice. And that he once ate 130 wings in an hour. Oh my God, I love him.

On the downside, it seems that the Restaurant Wars loss has really crushed Jen's confidence. Instead of putting out an entree, she seemed to produce a plate that resembled a crudite. Interestingly, a couple weeks back when she was sick, she stated that she didn't think a person's mood should affect their food. Spoken like a true professional who doesn't want to make excuses and tries to focus and perform. However, once confidence gets shaken, that's different than just trying to overcome a bad mood. The spark of creativity can get dimmed with self-doubt and desperation never tastes good on a plate. It was almost sad to watch her shake as she struggled to ladle sauce onto the plates. I feel for her and I really hope she pulls out of her funk because it'd be disgusting for Robin or Eli to outlast her.

Robin did her customary crappy job of things. These chefs were let loose in Colicchio's Craftsteak and allowed to check out all the tantalizing proteins before having the pan pulled out from under them and being informed of the vegetarian restrictions. But when they then rushed into the veggie pantry, it was utterly stuffed with incredible stuff to make their jobs easier. Going for eggplants or mushrooms is a no-brainer if you're going to try to go for meat replacement therapy. Kevin found his success in mushrooms and Eli finally hit the upper echelon with eggplant. But Robin was her typical unfocused self who couldn't decide and grabbed everything and was attracted to fresh garbanzo beans which she'd never used, along with squash blossoms that she'd never used, so she used both of those!

Seriously Robin? I would like to feel sympathy for her, or at least feel sorry for her always being in the bottom and being treated poorly in the house and getting snapped at in the kitchen while everyone fumes that she sticks around while "better chefs" leave. But at this point, I do wonder if they're just dragging her along for the drama factor, and she even annoys me as a viewer and I only have to hear her prattle on for about 20 minutes a week. Cripes.

Nevertheless, it certainly did make for good, dramatic TV to watch her outlast big braggart Mike Isabella. That was some funny shit, yo! Since this season started, Mike I has been blowing on about how awesome he is while we've never really seen that in his food choices or cooking techniques. And it just chapped his ass to be outlasted by Robin. I just can't muster much sympathy for a guy who's a professional chef and doesn't know what eggs florentine is, nor for someone of my age who proudly claims to have never seen an episode of Seinfeld. That's either some "I'm too hip for that sitcom shit" outright lying going on, or some seriously self-absorbed, unhip cave-dwelling going on.

Speaking of blowing on, the prolonged blow job banter at the table was pretty funny. Even better lulz than Gail's dress, actually. Padma: "It was like a tiny prick on my tongue." Natalie, giggling: "Oh, don't say that." Padma, explaining: "It was big in my mouth." Tom: "So it went from a little prick on your tongue to a big in your mouth." Random Natalie friend: "That's what usually happens." That's why I love Bravo TV, right there. It's those tacky touches that make this show the superior plate to "Next Iron Chef."

And so that brings me to my favorite chefs, the Voltaggio brothers.

Fuckin' A the dysfunction is reaching near epic levels at this point, with baby bro Michael now transferring his Bryan frustration onto Kevin. Bryan, for his part, landed in the middle after struggling with time for the first time. More notably, he cracked a smile a few times. This was weird. Remember the scene in Edward Scissorhands where they teach Johnny Depp to smile and it's this nearly pained, contorted exercise and his face looks bizarre, like it might crack apart from the unnaturalness of it? That. That's what it seemed like to see Bryan smile.

Meanwhile, Michael also cracked a smile, but it got wiped off his face right quick. First, Bryan placed high in the quickfire, which kept the sullen pout firmly on Michael's face. Then, he produced this whimsical dish for the veggie challenge using asparagus and banana polenta which landed him very favorable comments, including his second comparison to Picasso. But in the end, Kevin's dish bested his.

This did not sit well with Chef Michael Voltaggio, but it seemed to set even less well with Michael Voltaggio, the younger brother. He snarked that he "could've made Kevin's dish in twenty minutes in his second year of apprenticeship." Oof. Then, in the stew room, he managed to shake Kevin's hand but had to look away has his own frustration stewed...and festered. It's so hilarious that "Glad" sponsors that stew room considering the general mood in there is generally the polar opposite of "glad." Eli even managed to kick something this week after Mike I's dismissal.

Michael V has often spoken about his take on food and cooking and how he approaches it artistically and enjoys taking risks. In striking contrast to Mike Isabella and his blowhardy and arrogant tones, this attitude and sometimes cockiness on Michael V's part always played okay because he more than backs it up and proves it with his food. It is different and risky and often artful and playful. Also, previously, the times we saw him get bitchy was with his older brother, where there was very clearly a long stewing sibling dynamic at work that'd often make the relationship between Cain and Abel seem cheerful by comparison. But now, with Kevin so clearly dominating this season and controlling the wins, it seems like a little bit of Michael V's snideness is actually frustration at not being top dog coming out and it's pushing all his "little brother" buttons. All this time, he arrogantly thought his biggest competition was Bryan, and now that he finally realizes it might be the portly redbeard, it's like all his long buried but suddenly re-awakened, birth order resentment got shifted onto the plump pork king. Or, maybe Michael V is just a dick who's sour grapes when he's not top dog.

After this episode, Michael V is now most certainly the villain of the season and easily takes the title of "Top Douche." At the very least, we can safely assume that he's not taking the Fan Favorite title. However, he's also now officially my favorite of the year.

I am not an apologist and make no excuses. He is a sullen, sneering, skate-punk who's often snide, snippy, and short-tempered. But he is also undeniably smoldering. His older brother Bryan is a bit taller and is more traditionally good looking. But Michael is just sexy. That snotty little perma-pout on his lips makes me want to just smack his bitchy face -- and then start making out with him. He's got that hyper-intense stare and he channels all his guts into his dishes, which end up these surprising and sexy creations. He's got the fire in his belly, and it ends up as passion on the plate.

While Bryan, and Kevin, for that matter, make more traditional and recognizable food, Michael's is more brash and complex, definitely in-your-face, just like his personality. Bryan and Kevin cook the kind of food you want to settle down with: Dependably top-notch and satisfying. But Michael's is the kind you'd really want to spend a wild weekend in Vegas with -- a bit volatile and unexpected and doing completely new things that can make you giggle or sigh. I don't need the Top Chef to be picked on the basis of having a genial disposition. Asshole or not, the winner should serve the best tasting, most innovative, thoughtful, and passionate plates. If the ingredients for success happen to be a long simmering rivalry paired with a sexy if snarky swagger and then finished with a dash of vain but innovative coulis, then so be it.

The nice guy who reliably cooks excellent bacon is never a bad choice. But this season is set in Vegas, where you're supposed to take the gamble, suffer the lows and celebrate the highs, enjoy the excess, soak up the sex, and, ultimately, reward the risk.

High Voltag-gio

2009-10-22T22:17:00.000-07:00

The sixth season of Top Chef, set in Vegas, continues to roll along. It lacks the lovable personalities of last season. There is no kooky Carly or fabulous Fabio (who's scored himself his own TV show on Bravo) but it is using some nice Vegas inspired twists such as high stakes quickfires. Though it lacks the cuddly factor, the food being put out by some of the chefs seems outlandishly refined, innovative, and inspired. The downside to watching a food competition like this is that there's no certainty in being able to form an opinion, because, obviously, I can't actually taste the food. Add to that, that I don't really trust twatface Tom Colicchio's opinion about the taste of the food, it's really impossible to get an accurate read. But, judging from what I can see put on the plates and descriptions of the ingredients used, I can get a sense of what's going on, and it certainly appears as though they truly have tapped into some serious talent.

There are four bonafide competitors this year who consistently put out plates that look delectable and interesting. There's redbeard Kevin, who looks exactly like the claymation Kris Kringle from those Christmas specials from when we were kids. He whomps out mole and meat like it's a celebration, and even though he stumbled this week during restaurant wars and undercooked lamb, it was a misstep that was tempered by him also producing another pork plate that looked succulent. Then there's Jen, who looks like she's grimacing even when she smiles. She's Eric Ripert's handpicked protege who mistook black cod for trout (whoops!) and screwed up a real trout dish this week when her sauce broke, but who also has taken top honors in a couple quickfires and eliminations.

And, then, of course, there's the Voltaggio brothers. By their general demeanor it'd be easy to tag them as the Brothers Grimm, with their scowls and sourpusses, but then I look at their food and it makes my mouth water even on screen. And, as the season has worn on, the dynamic between them has become even funnier to watch. The younger one, Michael, is so completely transparent and brutally obvious in his sibling rivalry one-upmanship. And though the slightly older Bryan seemed to be more even-keeled on the surface, there's no mistaking his reaction this week when he told Michael he didn't want to share his prize. The best is the look on the other's face when one of the them wins a challenge. There's this internal duality going on where they're half pleased for their sibling, and half seething that they were bested. It's great!

All the other contestants this year fall way below the top four's skill sets, and I'm really hoping we don't get a "shocking" elimination due to a screw up this year, thus opening the door for a bullshit winner like last year's Hosea. Stefan got totally robbed last year, and if these four don't make it to the end to battle it out against each other, it'll be rather shitty. Mike Isabella's overblown ego is worth a couple of laffos each week, as is watching the fuckery commence between Robin and Eli. But V is for villain and the Voltaggio bros, I think, also get to take top honors in that category. They really aren't bad guys, but it is funny watching Michael snap at Bryan and act like a typical, bratty younger brother regressing to six years old. It's even better to watch him take over the kitchen and bark out orders to everyone while they intercut that footage with him giving a monologue about he's a really great guy. And it's even better to watch him wear down Bryan week-by-week, leaving me to wonder if it's not a bit of gameplay to sabotage his biggest competition by making him lose focus.

In all fairness, I don't really think Michael is a bad guy. He's got sibling issues, oh yeah. (I bet Thanksgiving and Christmas is a real circus around that family table) But he probably is a nice enough fellow who happens to be a control freak in the kitchen. Thing is, I've worked in kitchens, and they can work just fine with someone in charge who's on an even keel, but someone most certainly does need to be in charge, and if they get snippy and bark orders, that's pretty much par.

In other reality/competition TV villain area, since the advent of DVRs, I picked up watching the old horse Survivor again. They're shoving Russell down our throats as a "villain" but I just don't see it. A real villain doesn't know they're an asshole. (Please see last year's Coach as a prime example of someone without a lick of self-awareness of their own douchery.) Russell is just a guy who's saying that he's a villain because he's taking credit for kicking everyone out so that he can look like a master gamer. Bleh. Given the focus they're putting on him, though, I assume he wins.

Speaking of villains who sort of aren't, Dexter murders all other current dramas, retaining its groove for this year. The thing is, even when I see certain twists telegraphed, it still manages to surprise me with how it's carried out, or it still manages to keep the tension high. And this week Michael C. Hall was inspired. I love it when he turns all evil and excited when he's ready to plunge the knife into some real asshole. This week, he had to trick his prey into hunting him before he turned the tables and, well, got her on his table, all wrapped up in cellophane and tape. When she made her second insouciant rape comment, he cracked me up with his, "What is it with you and rape? Nobody's raping anyone!"

Someone else who's not at all lacking in his own knowledge of what constitutes an asshole is Larry David. This year's Curb Your Enthusiasm is on fire! Oh. My. God. This show is cracking me up every week. Wheelchairs, blow jobs, pie, packaging, cancer -- all those things that make for high comedy. Larry never minded playing an asshole or villain, but this year he's also reveling in playing the buffoon. He's mixing in more physical and screwball comedy this year, while retaining the rapid-fire, improv dialogue and genius intertwined plots that come full circle. Meanwhile, he's always got enough dysfunction splashing around to make even the Voltaggio brothers humbled. All of that combines to make a concoction so outstanding that even twatface Tom Colicchio would have to bow down to it.

Bloodthirsty

2009-10-10T17:23:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday was the first episode in the much ballyhooed Curb Your Enthusiasm reunion of the Seinfeld cast. In it, potshots were taken at the Seinfeld finale, and we even got a few scenes set in Jerry's apartment, 5A. It was pretty funny and interesting, because in his scenes and dialogue, Jerry brought his lighthearted glibness to the generally acrimonious air of Curb, so it really did change things up a bit. But on the whole, it was extremely Curb as opposed to Seinfeld, and that's just how I like it. Enjoyable as it was though, I highly doubt that they're going to be able to top the previous week's episode, "Vehicular Fellatio." It was one of those wacky, crazy episodes that could only be aired on HBO, and yet, even though it was some pretty risque material, it never really felt dirty, it was just outlandish, hilarious, and perfectly constructed.

Also last week, Entourage finished up for the season, though it really felt a lot more like a series finale. Nearly everyone reached a major turning point. At the start of the season, I said it felt like this season was going to be about growing up, and Ari, Lloyd, Eric, and Drama all reached major milestones that'll alter their lives, and they all leapt into them with exuberant Entourage joy, which was only fitting, seeing as how they were goals they'd all longed for for several seasons. Only Turtle suffered a setback. And Vince, same as he was for the whole season, was basically a cypher with absolutely nothing going on. It was thanks to Vince, though, that we got the season's best star appearance in Matt Damon, who played himself as a class A prick. You've probably seen the viral video of him shooting a promo for his One by One charity and berating the shit out of Adrian/Vince during it. But I bet a lot of viewers missed his best part in the episode, as it actually aired after the conclusion of the final credits. So here it is in case you want to see it, it's definitely worth the lulz.

Meanwhile, over on Showtime, Dexter has returned and they haven't missed a beat with creating intensely suspenseful episodes. This year, the added responsibilities of Dexter's baby are pulling him in one direction while his dark passenger pulls him in another, and the severe sleep deprivation causes these things to collide with potentially catastrophic results for Dexter. Meanwhile, the living Carradine has returned to Miami to track a new serial killer. This year's competition for Dexter is played by John Lithgow, and he's most definitely the creepiest and scariest villain they've had so far. I can't wait for Dexter to dismember him!

Also, I was pretty much detoxed from True Blood until two things arrived in the mail this week. The first was Charlaine Harris's A Touch of Dead, which is a newly released collection of Sookie Stackhouse short stories. (YAY!) I'd been waiting on this delivery since about March, so it was nice to have it arrive, but I did manage to put it aside for now until I finish the current book I'm reading. TOLD you I was detoxed. However, the second delivery came as a bit of a pleasant surprise, as I'd ordered it over the summer but then forgot about it. It was a case of Tru Blood, the beverage. Unlike the short story collection, I tore into this immediately.

Now, here's a little personal tidbit about me. I don't drink soda. Almost never. I just don't really like it. In fact, the only things I really do drink are: water, juice, and vodka. That said, I tried the Tru Blood straight up, and it is a carbonated blood orange beverage with a fun red color and a nice sweet-tart balance. So, I'd guess most people would really like it, and it's a pretty cute novelty for Halloween, or freaky fans of the show like me. But for my taste? I found a way to improve it. Simply add this.

I add a lot of it, but your tastes my vary.

Literary Road Trip

2009-10-02T18:52:00.000-07:00

Voracious book reading blogger Beth Fish was kind enough to allow me a guest post as a fellow Pennsylvania writer on her Literary Road Trip feature. So you can check out what I read all summer over there. Readers of my blog here won't be surprised at my mainstay for summer page-turning this year, but I hope Beth didn't think I was just sucking up since she's just as big a fan of the series. But I did manage to pull my nose out of Lousiana for a while to also read some other PA writers, such as Robin Slick and Michael Chabon, and a little twist of erotica, too. (Just keeping up with trends, yo!) So check it out over at Beth Fish reads!

American HomicIdol

2009-09-25T21:22:00.000-07:00

Well, vampire season is over, so now I can have my Sunday nights back to devote to something more humane and domestic -- a serial killer! Yay, Dexter returns this week to quench my bloodlust!

I was a bit surprised that Jimmy Smits didn't take the Emmy award for his turn as DA-turned-killer last season, but what can you expect? I won't even bother to mention the ricockulousness of Jon Cryer winning over Kevin Dillon or NPH. Just...weird. But it's slightly funny that they felt obliged to actually invent an entire new category to atone for overlooking True Blood after the enormous wave of popularity it achieved this summer. Fucking dipshits. Dexter also gets very little "official" love, but fans know that it's wonderfully episodic viewing, and this year looks as though they're going to deviate from the seasons 1 through 3 arc of Dexter finding a killer soulmate and then having to turn on them. It's a good trick, but now that the pony has performed it so many times, I think it's good that we're seeing Dexter move to the struggles of domesticity and fatherhood so that we can see what problems that'll present.

Speaking of dangerous men with a nasty streak, Larry David has also returned to Sunday nights with another season of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Thank God. Nothing really speaks to a misanthrope like Larry David's humor. I'd been missing him, but when they started airing the simple promo of a random woman passing him on the street and cheerily saying, "Smile!" to him, I realized just how badly I was looking forward to Curb's return. Larry, in true Larry style, stops and turns around and glares at the woman and yells after her, "Mind your own business!" It's a simple, stupid promo, but it sums up Larry pretty well, and the premier episode didn't disappoint. It was filled with the minutiae of manners, with Larry being the Dirty Harry enforcer and renegade bad-taste outlaw also. Never one to back down from trying wring comedy from the taboo, (he's previously desecrated the sanctity of support groups, funerals (a couple times) and pedophilia) Larry is this year going to go for the uncomfortable and inappropriate laughs at the expense of cancer. Good on you, Larry.

Meanwhile, Entourage trudges along, with Ari actually being nearly too nasty to Lloyd for me to stomach, which is why I was glad Johnny Drama stuck with our unlikely underdog hero of this season. Drama and Lloyd -- now that's a dream team of misfortune if ever there was one. Eric has finally figured out that his chick is crazy bitch, though I never for a second believed he'd have picked her over Sloan anyhow. I mean, Alexis Dziena is totally cutte, and I'm totally straight, but Emmanuelle Chriqui -- yeah, even I'd hit that. I just wish there'd been something for Vince to do this year. The season just lacked big time without the forward momentum created by an overarching storyline.

In TV news regarding other days of the week, I am again into Top Chef, of course. It's in Vegas, baby, what's not to love? Well, other than Tom Colicchio, whom I still loathe. And I can't recall another season where there was such a disparity between the "top" chefs and the ones who suck, but I don't really care about that.

Besides some lame TV observations, I'm not sure that I have much to post about here, so no need to be alarmed if I fall silent for some long stretches. I will have a new book coming out soon (YAY!) so I'll apologize in advance, but I will have to try to post and promote it here a bit. Was that a good enough segue to actually start to promote? Good. It's not a sequel, but if you liked 24/7 at all, this is a bit of a follow up in that Marina and Miguel are back and it's set in Vegas and it's a fast little caper. Kinda like if the "Sex and the City" girls were Soprano's kin and decided to go all "Ocean's Eleven" on someone's ass. So there you go with the first of that unseemly self-congratulatory business. It's called House Money and you can read some about it here and check out the cool cover, which I will be shamelessly posting numerous times in the future, cause I love it. (Thank you, Don!) And, so that this blog post has a symmetry to it, I will also just mention that there is, indeed, some blood and killing in this book. Yay!

Donna Does Full Monty

2009-09-18T15:50:00.000-07:00

My pal Donna George Storey has an incredibly sensual, sexy, and smart story up at The Erotic Woman. It's called "All Eyes Upon Her," and it takes the premise of striptease from the days of Sally Rand and updates it to suburbia. I can't imagine anyone wouldn't love it. She's even got one turn of phrase in there that is so good it sort of pissed me off and made me jealous -- and that, for me, is the mark of a great writer -- someone who just makes me both seethe and applaud because it's so good.

The Last Drop

2009-09-14T21:33:00.000-07:00

Well. Shit. Summer really is coming to an end. Though this weak season of Entourage limps along without any clear purpose, I'll gladly keep watching to see what dumb shit Drama does next. But Hung called it a wrap last night, and it wasn't quick enough for me. Just, I just didn't hang in there with this show. I watched, and disliked it more with each passing week, with the major exception of Jane Adams. But Sunday was, most notably, the season finale of True Blood. Naturally, this is how I feel about it all being over until next summer.

I am perhaps the only one, but I loved the episode. A couple observations:

Along with knowing that the "third waitress at Merlotte's" is a fatal job, future Bon Temps denizens should also be armed with this nugget of knowledge. If you are black, and if the season is hurtling to an end, you should not, under any circumstances, be caught in Merlotte's parking lot. Most specifically, you should not be near Andy Bellefleur's car in Merlotte's parking lot if there is less than 10 minutes to go in the season. If you are out in the parking lot of Merlotte's at this witching hour, and particularly if you are a person of color, you can kiss your ass goodbye. Pray for syndication, cause that's the only way you'll be seen again on this show.

That said, I was glad to see Eggs get whacked, because I'd come to loathe Eggs. The actor who plays him, Mehcad Brooks, is incredibly pretty, but that's about it. In fact, he's quite the mimbo, without much personality or appeal other than this abs. I wish him well, but I'm glad he's gone from my screen.

In stark contrast is Michelle Forbes. She rocked Maryann so hard and was mesmerizing at times.

And yet, still not sad to see her go. It wasn't just the cathartic "evil vanquished" kind of happiness at seeing her gored, either. That plot ran way too long and really tried my patience, so, though I'm loathe to lose Forbes, I was thrilled to see Maryann messing with the bull and ending up getting the horns. One observation on that, though, and I only make it because the show has made this point, on a few occasions: Sam MUST get an imprint of an animal to be able to shift into it. Exactly WHERE in his travels did he come across an albino bull before, huh?

That was a little bit silly, but if not for that quibble, it was clever, and I was really glad to see Sam being the one to stick it to the vibrating bitch! And Sam Trammell again delivered with a kickass performance.

But let's rewind just a bit. Sookie's house, this week, took another startling turn. It'd gone from Blair Witch Frat Party to Rob Zombie movie set, and this week it looked like they'd soon be filming "Land of the Lost." Fuuuhcked Up! And I love that Sookie just shrugs and says, "We'll clean everything the monster touched." Um. Sook? There are VINES growing out your walls, this is beyond the capabilities of a Swiffer, baby. Also? How did Sookie contain herself when she spotted Maryann in Gran's wedding dress? Sookie went absolutely batshit last year on Maxine Fortenberry over "GRAN'S PIE!" And yet this episode she wasn't peeved enough about the dress to let the sparks fly out of her hands at Maryann? Lafayette actually owned the bridesmaid reveal scenes a couple of times, first with his tiny clap at the announcement, and then by being dressed as a bridesmaid! I love Laff so, and am so glad he survived the season.

Someone else I love who survived? Eric. Though he was barely in the episode, I have to say that thanks to him, I give new consideration to Evan Rachel Wood's queen. She was threatening this episode. And playful. And I dug her. Maybe it really was just Bill dragging her down! She scored a Yahtzee for sure, though this week.

Best couple of the whole season? Jason and Andy.

And Andy inspired the best line of the night, coming from Sheriff Dearborn: "You've got a lot of faults, Andy. But at least you've got pants on." And I just love Chris Bauer's voice and delivery. He's a funny fuck, alright. Not to mention him publicly calling out Jane Bodehouse about seeing her taking it from behind by Mike Spencer! That was hilarious! Other post-zombie revelry gone bad? I love that Lafayette doesn't even question how he's dressed, he just questions how the fuck he got there. Another tiny detail that I loved? Scrambled Terry's shirt, announcing his brain scrambledness. And Arlene's kids being just a wee bit more precocious than she knows. And they love Eric!

I also love that they polished off this season and then transitioned right into next season. I mean, I see no downside at all to having Bill dragged off in silver chains! YAY to kidnapped Bill!

But before the kidnapping, Bill did show a glimmer of hope when he took Sook to the fancy dinner, and for the dancing portion, instead of a stuffy waltz that I'd expected him to bust out, he got groovy with a... was that a hustle? (All those seasons of DWTS and I still can't tell, but I know it wasn't a pasodoble.) There was, in that one, brief scene, a delicious and terribly sexy, playful vibe from both Bill and Sookie, enough so that I was actually like, "Yeah! That's why they're a couple!" Something about this, however, also made me picture Bill in the late '80s, at a Gilley's knock-off, taking line dancing classes.

On the Bad Bill side, he continues to be, and I quote Jessica here, The Worst Maker Ever! I know he's been busy, but he's really blown off Jessica these past couple weeks and she is all sorts of fucked up, and instead of stopping and talking to her, he waltzes (two-steps) off to his fancy dinner with Sookie. I feel bad for Jessica.

And I feel bad for Jason. I've come to absolutely adore Jason this year. And his poor feeble mind is not gonna handle this whole "cracking eggs wide open" thing well. Oh the irony, huh? Andy used to dog Jason and accuse him of being a murderer. Now Jason does kill someone, and Andy covers it up for him. Oh, that Andy.

I also feel bad for Tara, and particularly bad for us, the viewers. I miss our bad-ass Tara of the past, and I'm worried that this whole Eggs thing is just gonna wonk her worse for next season. She needs to take lessons in resiliency from Sookie. Sitting and crying one minute as all the stress of the season catches up to her. And then, a quick trip to the loo, a glance in the mirror -- and at her shiny new diamond -- not shocking that a Stackhouse can be totally fascinated by shiny objects! -- and suddenly Sookie is right as rain again, ready to marry Bill!

But oh yeah, Bill's been kidnapped! Dragged off in silver chains! Around his neck! Did I mention that already?

I'm sure some will assume it's Eric behind the 'napping, but my money is on Lorena, but I'm not sure. But I do know this -- the Blood will flow again next summer! But until then, this season was good to the last bloody drop!

Pics this week from phoenixothon.

Southern Gentleman vs. Viking

2009-09-08T19:25:00.000-07:00

So, it appears as though it's not just me who's trying to fill the two week void until the Blood finale, and the news this week is sure to break a million fangirly hearts. Seems as though everyone jumped the gun with their dislike of Evan Rachel Wood's portrayl of the crazy Queen, as we now have a layer of festering jealousy to slather onto our disappointment. Seems that she and Alexander Skarsgard are doing it!

First, I have to say that she has definitely upgraded. I applaud her, definitely.

Second -- WHAT, exactly, sort of crazy pheromones are flying around that True Blood set? I'm starting to get the idea that the set is more sex-soaked off camera than one of Maryann's crazy orgies! First Anna and Stephen, and now these two. I guess if you sign up for a True Blood scene, you'd best be prepared to do some off camera sexing with a co-star. In other words, even MORE reason to love the show, now from an actor's standpoint. The funniest part, though? Why does Ryan "Jason Fuckin' Stackhouse" Kwanten not seem to be getting any onset? Or did he hook up with Lizzy Caplan? (I still miss her.) Then again, considering this was the summer of Skarsgard, with everyone from Entertainment Weekly to TV Guide losing their minds (and panties) to him, I guess it's not so surprising that we'd be getting info about his hookups.

Third -- and the perfect segue here -- here's hoping that ERW as the Queen brings it more in her scenes with Eric next week, given that there probably was some actual chemistry already sparking at that time. Perhaps she, too, was just in Viking thrall and that's why her scenes with Bill fell flat.

As for the show, I don't really care at this point who Sookie hooks up with, Bill or Eric. She can stay with Bill as long as she keeps having crazy (and graphic) sex dreams about Eric. But as a general Team Bill vs. Team Eric comparison, I figured that I'd lay out the pros and cons of each one. Because even though it's probably already obvious who I favor, I think there are a some interesting details to consider. Therefore...

BILL:

Keeps a clean house, and is even currently trying to get the furnishings and electrical codes updated to a more recent century.

Is a considerate host, always quick with Frescas or fireside toast, even if the Fresca isn't served cold. (some of those furnishings/appliances still haven't been updated to the early 20th century yet, let alone 21st.)

Is devoted enough to Sookie to turn down ramdom, one-off, steamy dressing-room sex, even if it makes him come off like a homosexual. (though, who would mind being thought of as gay if your assumed partner is, well, this:)

Is a very attractive man, even if, and I quote Bridget Jones here, he should seriously reconsider the length of his sideburns.

Though he flirts awkwardly by making inappropriately suggestive cracks about the femoral artery, he's always willing to open his own wrist when his mate is...dying.

ERIC:

Like I said, Eric is something akin to Tony Soprano. He's an upper-middle management vampire who's accumulated quite a bit of power and fortune over the years, yes. But he accomplished that by taking no shit. It's always prudent to keep in mind that your potential boyfriend does have his own personal dungeon. Worse, if he's provoked, he's likely to literally rip you into pieces.

However, on the upside, Eric, though he claims inability to comprehend the popular vernacular which describes the feelings -- and, in fact, even claims to no longer have feelings, he has shown a propensity for love that spills over into reverence.

If you are pondering cumbersome baggage, Bill comes equipped with the ex from hell. Meanwhile, Eric comes with the greatest undead accessory ever -- Pam! Yay Pam!

Now, let's talk for a minute about their courting techniques. Both share a grotesque affinity for getting their romantic prospects interested in them by having them drink their blood. However, let's examine the way in which they convince their crush to ingest.

Bill. This "old fashioned southern gentleman" was inexplicably late to meet Sookie one very dark evening and she got nearly beaten to death. He did, of course, open his vein to save her life.

Eric, on the other hand, intentionally placed himself between a bomb and Sookie and took shrapnel/silver bullets for her that could have actually killed him. Then, while wounded, he tricked her into sucking out the bullets so that she would swallow his blood. Unseemly, yes. But at least he didn't let her come to grave physical harm.

Also, Eric can fly. Literally. Fly. That's pretty fucken cool!

However, in the Bill column, when he was exposed to Arlene's kids, Bill displayed patience and a gentle indulgence. Eric, however, looked at them with an unsettling mixture of fascination and...hunger. Then again, if you're not a kid person, I suppose this one could go in the Eric column.

On the downside for Eric, he has displayed a certain amount of vanity. Two words: highlight foils.

On the upside for Eric, his careful grooming habits result in him looking like this:

Whereas, once again, Bill and those goddamn sideburns:

Then again, in the big plus side for Bill, once he does fall in love, he's obviously willing to sacrifice himself to help Sookie at any cost. Even letting this happen to himself:

Unfortunately for Bill, while he looks like a charred hot mess, this is what Eric looks like.

I think the choice is obvious.

Building the Perfect Beast

2009-09-06T16:41:00.000-07:00

So, here's dumb post number one to help pass the time as we wait this whole week for the True Blood finale.

I know it's way past time to let it go, but really, when it comes to anti-heroes they really sort of took it to a new heights with Tony Soprano -- another HBO character that managed to capture the imagination (and hearts) of plenty of faithful viewers. Right now, Alexander Skarsgard is nominated for a Scream Best Villain award. Very cool. (Go vote early and often, Team Skarsgard Shirtless friends.) But it also jarred me, because I didn't really realize that Eric was a villain. I always saw him as more of an anti-hero like Tony Soprano. Sure, he does some pretty bad shit, but you can't help but root for him, either. And they have plenty of other things in common, too. In fact, I think Eric is the new Tony Soprano. Witness the amazing similarities.

Tony had the Bada Bing. Eric has Fangtasia.

Tony had a strong father he was always trying to live up to, even though his father was already dead.
Eric also worships his father-figure, Godric, who is undead.

Tony always had to deal with Uncle June -- his relative, but also a cloying underling who was a constant nag because of his insecurity.
Eric deals with Bill. 'Nuff said.

Tony had Carm. Eric has Pam.

Tony confided in and had a thing for Dr. Melfi, a brain-shrink, who brought out his softer side.
Eric has a thing for Sookie, a mind-reader, who brings out his uh, sexy side.

Tony carried a big gun. Eric has big guns.

Tony once read "The Art of War" by Sun Tzu.
Eric probably partied with Sun Tzu back in the day and gave him pointers.

Fangbangers? Fuhgedaboudit!

A Pungent Hint of Madness

2009-08-31T15:06:00.000-07:00

Alan Ball wrote the penultimate episode of this second season, and though it was, again, a lot of filler, his very sharp wit was juxtaposed with some very biting nastiness. (pun intended, yes)

First, Hoyt-Maxine-Jessica. It was hilarious that Hoyt's mama actually enjoyed the bloodsucking that Jessica laid on her, and also sad to see Jessica's remorse when she realized she'd upset Hoyt, and then downright awful to see her reaction when she realized the depth of Hoyt's anger. Much as I like Jessica, and dislike how rotten Maxine is to both Hoyt and Jess, it really is going to be hard to recover from the faux pas of fang sinking your potential mother-in-law. Things got pretty damn funny again when Maxine was back in the kitchen, preparing a feast for "the god who comes." (This phrase has become the new "Godric is 2,000 years old" phrase of the show -- they just can't repeat it enough.) It's now established that when Mama Fortenberry putters around the kitchen, Ruffles will play a significant role, and this week she whipped out her "frenzy" masterpiece of a casserole that included Ruffles, cheese, candy bars, and hot sauce.

I changed my mind about her. She may look like a deranged Paula Dean, but she cooks just like Sandra Lee.

Then we've got Tara, and although she's been released from Maryann's mental stranglehold by Bill and Sookie, she won't shut the fuck up about needing to rescue Eggs. I do not care for this, because I can't understand why she thinks she's in love with Eggs, because it's only been two weeks, and because I fucking hate Eggs and think he's a cypher. So she then proceeds to spew some shit that's even nastier than the mindfuck load that Maxine dumped on Hoyt, but she reverses the process and mindfucks her mother. Along the way, she also berates Lafayette and Sookie, and suddenly I ardently dislike Tara. But the funniest part of this scene is unintentional. We have Tara played by Rutina Wesley, whose upper body is more ripped than Bon Jovi's pants circa 1986, and we're supposed to believe that she's held captive by being handcuffed to a fucking coffee table!

Look at those damn arms! A STUPID GLASS TOP COFFEE TABLE is keeping this girl down! How about at least the sofa, or a sturdy armoire! Gah.

But at least we had Lafayette, producing all sorts of wonderful scenes. First, Nelsan Ellis looked as hot as a Louisiana summer.

Second, with him PTSDing on the porch, we got treated to another scene of him hallucinating Eric. This was wonderful, because Alexander Skarsgard got to show off his Generation Kill training as he went a little bit Iceman Colbert on Laf, holding him in his sights with the rifle. But though it's mighty sexy, even if he was dressed in drag, it does make me feel bad for Lafayette, admitting that he's so terrified of and hateful of Eric, and yet, due to the blood bond, he had incredible sex dreams about him. Well, shit. Given that last week's episode drew a record 5 million viewers, Lafayette, I think it's extremely safe to assume at this point that you are not the only one having sex fantasies about Eric/Alex S. (More on this later, of course.) The tables turned when Lafayette took the gun to Maryann, but, unfortunately for him, and for manservant Carl, Maryann was able to deflect the bullet with all sorts of "magic bullet" shit that'd make Arlen Specter cream himself and poor Carl went quietly into the dark night. Seriously, inspect this:

I can't understand it. Lafayette was directly in front of her and he fired, and she deflected it with her hand. But, as you can CLEARLY see, Carl was to her left and BEHIND her. How did the bullet manage that sort of fucken trajectory, huh?

Still working the buddy system, Jason and Andy had to work past their differences. When Sam declared Jason a "damn fool," Andy had a bit of sympathy and welcomed him to his world. But when they raided the police station for ammo, Andy denied Jason kevlar and then got testy with him. The best was Jason then explaining that he didn't have it easy in life. It's such hard work to have to watch so much porn to keep informed and keep the ladies happy! But we did also find out that even horndog Jason has standards -- the ladies must be conscious for him to have sex with them... at least, they have to start out conscious. That is Jason Fuckin' Stackhouse, alright! He can fuck you comatose!

I felt bad for poor Sookie. Her house has leapfrogged again and is past the point of a Blair Witch frat party and has catapulted into Rob Zombie movie set territory. I mean, when you're greeted at the door with Jane Bodehouse dismembering her own finger while singing the "lo lo" chant to the row-row-your-boat melody, it's not a good sign. And, speaking of Jane, I'm gonna have to cross her off my "to party with" list after that little stunt. A bit too far, Jane. Too far. How you gonna drunk dial Peanut now? But aside from the spinetingling creepiness of some of this shit, it also strikes me that these episodes of Blood had to be some of the funnest sets on Hollywood when being filmed. Random people running in their undies and trailing toilet paper and fingerless crazies just have to be a riot during breaks. And this is probably evidenced by Arlene, guarding Sookie's house, and demanding an entrance fee of "100 million dollars... and your pants!"

We also finally met the madcap Queen Sophie-Anne, played by Evan Rachel Wood. She looked gorgeous in her '40s attire, lounging poolside listening to "The Good Life."

It brings up a strange question, though. Why did Bill go from chalky white last episode to semi-decent looking at the start of this, to looking downright tan at the pool? Also, I, being the shallow viewer that I am, noticed that his chest hair grew back completely from the first and second episode of this season, which was really only in Blood time about 10 days. Count on me to keep track of these things, always.

Also in the nitpick department, I am, sadly, not yet sold on Wood's performance. Michelle Forbes as Maryann has been killing the "deranged female" slot this season, and Lorena was no slacker, either. But there is a line between campy and hammy, and I'm not quite sure Wood landed on the right side of this line. Her scene partner, Stephen Moyer as Bill, I believe had the same reaction to her skills. Consider this reaction shot of his as proof.

But I'm willing to give her another shot, particularly because the Queen's lines amused me, what with even her being aware of the Bill-Eric animosity dynamic, wishing they'd just fuck each other and get it over with.

And we did get treated to some of that Bill-Eric verbal parry-thrust again. Bill getting all scoldy, high and mighty with Eric over feeding Sookie his blood again, and I loved how Eric rammed it right back up Bill's sanctimonious ass about that! At least Eric only did trick her into sucking his blood. Bill damn near got Sookie killed just to pump himself into her veins.

And it was wonderful to see Eric back in fine form. Though Team Skarsgard Shirtless was shut out this week, the costume department deserves a huge hand. First, the return of Ginger, screaming at the mere appearance of Sam outside the door of Fangtasia, with that fantastic "Sorry, we're Dead" closed sign on the door. That chick has definitely been glamored one time too many. But then, again thanks to Sam, the greatest duo on the show were reunited -- Eric and Pam. Pam was rocking what looked to be an outrageous early '80 "Studio 54" vintage red sequined Halston jumpsuit and she was looking divalicous in it.

By the way, Seinfeld fans, have you recognized Pam yet? She's Manhands! Yes she is! Anyhow, then we got her exasperated expression when Eric again tipped his hand about his Sookie fascination. And even better was her reaction to children: "I hate them." I love Pam! But the best was Eric in that gigolo suit.

Hot. So hot. And then it got hilarious when he was toying with Arlene's kids. Though Pam was only disgusted with them, Eric found the "tiny humans" intriguing. Teacup humans! And we all got yet another Swedish word burned into our linguistic palette. "Delicota -- delicious." Might not be spelled that way, but phonetically, delicota is what Eric thinks of children, and what I'd assume about 4.9 million of the 5 million viewers think about Eric in that suit. Then, in his playfully evil way, he winked at the kids and then literally flew away, totally exciting the kids and completely freaking Sam the fuck out. And his windblown hair when he arrived in front of Bill, antagonistically asking, "Soo, has Sookie mentioned me?" was damn near true love.

It is now a two week wait for the finale, and I think we all know how I feel about that.

But never fear. In the interim, I think I might do my official Bill v. Eric comparison on here, if for no other reason than it's a great excuse to post more random picspam of A.S.

Photo credits this week go to once again to marishna, and the gif of Eric screwing with his hair I totally filched from a poster at Sucks.

Home is Where The Disembodied Heart Is

2009-08-24T18:01:00.000-07:00

So, Sookie and Jason finally rolled back home to Bon Temps last night to find the town in tatters on account of nearly every single resident having fallen under the spell of Maryann and therefore having gone batshit crazy. That's the love of True Blood -- just when you start pining for a zombie movie instead of vampires, it's a whole zombie episode. And they're zombies who love to drink and lick nacho cheese off of naked women. Excellent.

Maryann has gone off the rails, preparing her "wicker man" sacrifice for Dionysus/Bacchus, rounding up all the kobe beef she can find along with a dead crow while making everyone else hunt down poor Sam. As for Sookie returning home? I have been WAITING for her to come and find Maryann squatting in her house, hosting orgies, and wearing Gran's clothes. I figured Sookie'd go utter bitchcakes about it. But it got exponentially worse. When Sook got home, her place looked like the Blair Witch had hosted a Delta toga party. I mean, it was fuuuuuucked up. But before Sookie could really get her glare on, she realized that Maryann was the man-bull that attacked her, and Maryann attacked her again. Bill, always being two steps behind, did not realize this. So he tried to attack Maryann, and as we all know, vampire blood doesn't like maenad blood, so he started frothing at the mouth, convulsing, and barfing black shit all over Sookie's already messed up living room floor.

Okay, I laughed. I laughed even harder when he kept puking the black shit out her car window. It was just -- funny. So very Bill. Meanwhile, in the "what is Sookie" forever ongoing question, we got a new clue when Sookie got defensive of Bill and pushed Maryann's face away -- and made her own hand light up like ET's finger.

The fuck? (Okay, book readers know what Sookie is, but I'm shocked they're dancing around answering this so quickly on the show.) But as cool as Sookie's special effects were, it was, surprisingly, once again, Jason fucking Stackhouse who kicked the majority of ass! First, he got one of the best laughs of the night when people started talking about Daphne -- the formerly new waitress at Merlotte's being dead -- when Jason piped up cheerily, "There's a new waitress at Merlotte's?" That's our horndog Stackhouse, alright. At least it is a nice perk for the waitresses, especially considering that "new waitress at Merlotte's" is basically a fatal position. It's like the drummer for Spinal Tap. But at least you know you'll get to screw Jason Stackhouse before you meet your gruesome demise.

But Jason just got better from there. He armed himself with all the redneck ammunition he could find -- a chainsaw, flares, and a nailgun -- and then busted Sam and Andy out of the clutches of the zombiefied minions.

You know serious shit is going down when Andy and Jason work together, and it ended up being hilarious, with Andy holding that makeshift stick-horns for Jason as he played God in a gasmask with bad lighting. But then it got even more hilarious as Sam played along, instructing Jason, "Smite me." Jason: "What?" Sam: "Smite me, motherfucker!" And then Sam "disappears", Jason and Andy are confused as shit, but Jason-as-God blesses the zombies and tells them they've earned good weather and good crops and disperses them. And then Sam shows up, in only an apron, with his cute little buttocks hanging out the back, extinguishing the torches like it's nothing as Andy and Jason stand there all confused.

And, before all that transpired, Andy locked himself into my heart forever, when he and Sam were literally running for their lives from zombie minions, he still took the time to grab a bottle of booze!

Also hilarious last night? Hoyt's mom Maxine. She, too, fell under the spell of Maryann, but good boy Hoyt tried to keep her protected, so he hosted her at Vampire Bill's house and let her play Bill's Wii. She looked like Paula Dean had buttered up and eaten Divine, and between her Wii outbursts:

And her trying to sexually molest Jason (of course, it's always Jason), she was just outrageous!

Perhaps, if she's really serious about Jason, she ought to apply for the "new waitress" position at Merlotte's, seeing how Daphne has recently vacated the position.

Always awesome Lafayette was also on his game as he and Tara's mom tried to scare the zombieness out of her. First he quoted scripture, shocking Lettie Mae, until he explained, "Jesus and I agree to see other people but that don't mean we don't talk from time to time." He then slapped the crap out of devil-Tara and declared "This has got to be the worst motherfuckin' intervention in history." But it was eventually Rutina Wesley who owned, first being creepy as hell, and then utterly heartbreaking when the combined efforts of Bill and Sookie finally pulled her out of zombiefication.

Of course, this episode wasn't much more than filler, but it was so damn funny that I certainly didn't mind. And at this point, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that, as bit players go, I love Jane Bodehouse. I would definitely party with Jane, whether she's a zombie or not. Losing her pants, forgetting that she's supposed to notify servants of the underworld that they've captured their prey, and then giddily asking to be "debriefed" out in the parking lot. You go on with your black-eyed self, Jane Bodehouse!

Given the events of the evening, there wasn't a lot of time for Eric. But he was there at the very start of the episode, again in Sookie's dreams. Reason number 37 to love Sookie Stackhouse? When she dreams of Eric, she always dreams of him shirtless! YAY SOOKIE! Go Team Skarsgard Shirtless! We are kicking as much ass as Jason Stackhouse these days! Sookie imagined comforting Eric after Godric's demise, and though I can understand that Eric would be upset, and that this was just a dream, I really hope Sookie doesn't do to Eric what she did to Bill, which was, pardon the pun, but metaphorically defang him. I was completely wrong about biting, because she specifically did imagine Eric popping fang and biting her this dream.

While I enjoy the shirtlessness, and while I can understand Eric's grief, I really hope Sookie doesn't get him totally pussywhipped like she did Bill. Then again, considering that we know her blood tastes different than other humans' to vamps, and now with this nifty lighting-hand trick she's unleashed, Godric only knows what the hell she's doing to them in bed, I guess, to get them so tangled up in their underwear for her.

I can not WAIT to see what happens next week, now that Bill has gone to the Queen for help with the Maryann situation. But something else has also occurred to me. Then, the next week is Labor Day, and you know how HBO is about airing episodes on holidays. I really think they're going to make us wait 2 weeks for the season finale. That makes me feel like Hoyt seeing Jessica attack his crazy-ass mama. "FUCK NO!"

Oh yeah, I'll be getting a lot of play out of that gif, once again courtesy of Sophistabitch.

Inglourious Basterds

2009-08-21T17:51:00.000-07:00

Naturally, I want to talk about Inglourious Basterds. When I first heard that Tarantino was going to make this movie, I was really happy. One thing that I knew he "got" about WWII movies, which very few people actually verbalize, is that it's quite fun to sit and work up a bloodlust about killing Nazis.

I am quite certain that, just like all his other movies, this one will unleash some bullshit backlash. In his two movies with strong female leads, he was accused of misogyny, because some critics really are that fuckin' stupid. I love the double edged sword he always has to face, when half the people leave disappointed because it was so much talking and not enough shooting going on, while the other half of the critics are grossed out by his stylized violence. And, I know I've already seen a couple of articles lambasting him for making Jews look bad in this movie because there's a small group of them, the titular Basterds, who, to borrow a Tarantinoism, get medieval on the Nazis' asses. Well, let's get that out of the way. I think that criticism is fucking retarded and bullshit.

First off all, WHEN did it become fashionable to sympathize with Nazis? If we should be allowed to work up a frothing vengeance against any group in fictionalized cinema, I still think it should be the Nazis. And if you don't think we should be allowed to do that, even in fictionalized cinema, then go rent The fucking Notebook or some other Nicholas Sparks horseshit and shut your yap and let the rest of us enjoy our shit. And if anyone should be pissy with Nazis, why not the Jews?

As for the talky parts that I imagine most critics are going to rail against -- if you want a non-stop action picture, then go to one. See GI Joe or something like that. And, by the way, I have nothing against non-stop action pictures. I'm just also of the opinion that not ALL movies need to be that. At one point of the movie, Brad Pitt's character gets dressed up just like Bogey in Casablanca (This is only one of the innumerable small allusions/homages to cinema that Tarantino paints.) But it made me wonder who among the critics that are blasting this movie for being too talkative could actually sit through Casablanca today?

As a director, Tarantino long ago defined himself as an "auteur." Though his movie genres morph and change and though he incorporates different stylistic approaches, they are all stamped indelibly as his, and, without question, Inglourious Basterds sings his name all through. It's not a spoiler to tell you that the final line of the movie is one of the characters, looking into the camera, and saying, "This just may be my masterpiece." It is Tarantino anviliciousness at its best, a sly but not-subtle thump of his chest, and he definitely earns it.

First, the way this picture looks. From dusty farmhouses in France to movie houses in Paris, this movie is shot with some absolutely stunning scenes and iconic images. My personal favorite was when, as David Bowie's "Cat People" seemingly anachronistically plays, the red satin dressed heroine gets ready to seek her revenge, and at one point runs down a spiral staircase.

In that one sequence alone, it is a gorgeous visual mixup of noir, suspense, and glamour, echoing three stylistic titans: Scorsese, Coppola, and De Palma. And yet, moreso, it seems like the way those three would interpret and homage to Hitchcock. And yet, the final product is completely Tarantino. At this point, while speaking of the lush look of the film, I also have to say that part of its appeal was the incredibly beautiful lighting throughout, and the use of steady shots. Tarantino has not fallen to the dark, shaky-cam techniques of many of his contemporaries, and I can't appreciate him enough for it.

Second, the acting. Again he echos Scorsese in this manner: Any actor should jump to work on a Tarantino picture, because he's going to make them look incredible. And I do mean visually, but I also mean as actors, he does, somehow, possess the ability to pull the best possible performances out of his cast. There is Brad Pitt, and he's not exactly a revelation, simply because Pitt does do this sort of thing well. He is good, very good.

His Tennessee twang and cock-sure attitude are absolutely delightful. And I'm one of those strange women who are impervious to his physical charms. On paper, I never think much of Pitt. But then I watch him in some of his kooky roles, like 12 Monkeys or Burn After Reading, and he wins me over. He is by far the biggest name here, and he pulls his weight.

But Pitt does get upstaged. The two females, Diane Kruger (National Treasure) as a double agent, and Melanie Laurent as a Jewish girl who witnessed the brutal slaying of her family at Nazi hands, are both absolutely stunning in every way. And then, there is Christoph Waltz.

Waltz is cast as "The Jew Hunter," Colonel Hans Landa, and he is mesmerizing. It appeared to me that he's completely fluent in four languages, slipping in out of dialogues as easily as he slipped from gentlemanly to monstrous. Charming and suave, polite and particular, it is with his quiet reserve and coiled brutality that he's able to build such mounting tension and ultimately dread.

And the tension and dread is what Inglourious Basterds is about -- at least until the epic denoument, which is filled with twists and shocks. And here is where I'll call utter bullshit on the critics who complain about the dialogue in this movie. Though I somewhat disagreed because it was character building, I could understand that the conversations in Death Proof sometimes sagged. In Basterds, however, I never once felt that. The film is broken down into five chapters, and in each chapter, there is an uphill, slow crescendo building, punctuated with a small release, almost like a roller coaster that keeps re-setting to the opening climb after the initial dip. And Tarantino builds these crescendos through the dialogue as he ratchets up the suspense, always pitting two characters against each other, playing cat and mouse, waiting to see if one will discover the other's secret and if hell will break loose. And whether it's a glass of milk, a strudel, or a game of 20 questions, Tarantino finds the fit to dance around the direct issue while unmasking the involved parties.

All this tension/minor release keeps culminating until the fifth chapter, where all points collide, the coaster goes full tilt, and all hell does breaks loose. It is in this section that Tarantino unleashes the unraveling action and it becomes a near visual orgy along with being an emotional climax. Which, I realize all sounds very sexualized, but, I guess if Tarantino fucks the way he films, it probably is fairly epic. Amidst all the action and twists, always adorned with other references -- both to film and pop culture of that day -- there are also the trademarks of Tarantino. Most easily notable, his foot fetish is still on display, and this time it's integral to the plot and creates more than just a luscious, lingering camera shot.

I must also say that for all his directorial expertise -- and at this point it is mastery and expertise that he's cultivated, it's still also his screenwriting abilities that serve him so well. He is, for my money, the most consistently brilliant film writer working today. He seemingly easily creates these intertwined plots and sews them all together in a satisfying ending, while also delivering the goods with some of the most entertaining dialogue along the way. And, most notable, his characterizations are more impeccable than ever. Christoph Waltz's Hans Landa is the most obvious and delicious villainous example. But Tarantino is sly as ever, too. Nazi sympathizing? His celebrated Nazi sniper Fredrick Zoller, played by Daniel Bruhl, is also a brilliant creation -- the kind that makes us question our bloodlust for the Nazis the way he displays such a gentle, awkward, and affable charm. In the same vein, Tarantino sets up the climax at a Nazi screening of a German propaganda picture, where we see the Nazi brass kicking back and reveling in watching Nazis kick Italian ass -- and they laugh at it as the Italians bleed out and die ingloriously, making us cringe. And he does this all while begging us, egging us on to laugh at and cheer for the Nazis' destruction. Talk about having cake and eating it, too. And though he never comes anywhere close to tear-jerking melodrama, there is, always, an underlying, nearly indefinable soul to his work and characters.

Even though he's Quentin Tarantino, I still doubt he's got absolute power and autonomy to do things exactly as he wants them. But what he's put on the screen with Inglourious Basterds certainly feels and appears to be as pure as we can possibly get to his vision. And that vision is definitely one that incorporates his love of film and movies, and it cleverly injects his own sensibilities and tastes -- twisted as they sometimes are. Some people will be disappointed, because he doesn't keep remaking Pulp Fiction. Instead, he keeps attacking different genres and putting his imprint and style upon them, and he keeps growing and getting bigger in scope. Most notably, this is something different. It does not follow the formula for a summer action-movie, or a drama, or a thriller, or anything. It's a Tarantino picture. And it's glorious. The bastard did it again. And yes, it just may be his masterpiece.

Valhalla!

2009-08-17T17:21:00.000-07:00

It's almost unfair, and it's nearly absurd, but it's not the least bit surprising. Alan Ball is a man who has continuously mined the themes of death -- and salvation -- to great critical and commercial acclaim. I admit, when I first heard he was doing a show about vampires for HBO, I was all "what the fuck?" But, as I think any reader here can notice, he certainly made a fan out of me. However, part of the reason he won me over so completely was because the weighty drama took a very far backseat to fun and flirty storylines. Granted, there was plenty of emotion in the first season, including some poignant passages.

But last night's episode, "I Will Rise Up," written by Nancy Oliver (a veteran writer of Six Feet Under and writer of the quietly and very weirdly touching Lars and the Real Girl) and directed by Scott Winant, was absolutely sublime. It was focused on family, exploring and exploiting themes of not just love, but devotion, and, ultimately, forgiveness, along with more than a touch of divinity.

Gods weighed heavily, as vibrating bitch Maryann was almost, for one spectacularly scary moment, reverent and awed while thinking of being at one with her god, and she then proceeded to destroy the residents of Bon Temps to achieve her goal.

However, the near-party atmosphere in the jail as everyone kept getting arrested was pretty funny. What was a little gross, however, was when Sam did his best Jeff Goldblum circa 1986 impression. Meanwhile, over in Dallas, Sookie's sympathy gave Godric a glimpse of true light, while his sacrifice may well have given back Eric his humanity. That Godric. I knew he was a Christ figure. I just didn't realize he'd be saving our favorite Viking, even if his actions caused Eric despair.

And, since I'm speaking of Eric, let's get it out of the way. Team Skarsgard Shirtless scored our first victory last night, and it was, indeed, decisive. To the writers, producers, lighting crew, and everyone else involved:

Well done, everyone. Well done. It's almost obscene, isn't it, to start talking so superficially about the enormous slab of naked Scandinavian -- in bed! Naked! With Sookie! NAKED!

Oh, I should be shamed to be bringing the quality of commentary down to this level. But don't you see -- that's precisely why Blood is so damn good -- because it gives us ALL this. It fires on all cylinders. Even when it's busy propelling itself toward superlative storytelling and tender heartbreak, it delivers all the frills along the way. They made us wait 21 episodes to get here, but they sure did it right. Big Bed. Big Boy. NO CLOTHES. And then he even slipped Sook tongue!

All this, of course, was just a dream of Sookie's, brought about by her magnanimous actions of sucking silver from injured Eric, therefore ingesting his blood. The look on Eric's face once he successfully tricked her into sucking and swallowing was priceless. He just is so good when he's bad. (Believe me, Sook, don't feel so stupid about it. It may not usually involve silver, but all us girls have been played into sucking and accidentally swallowing at one time or another ;))

But the best revelation was that Bill, though spitting mad, had to admit to her that she now not only had the emotional connection with him, but that she'd be sexually attracted to him. Hats of to Anna for pretending to be repulsed by the idea of sex with Eric, by the way. She had an all-around amazing episode for acting, once again pulling off the tears without chewing scenery. But what gets me, that Sookie apparently hasn't connected yet, is that this question now looms large -- did she REALLY fall for Bill? Or was she attracted to him because he managed to pump his blood into her almost immediately?

Anyhow, back to Eric being naked. For a guy who's got a severe allergy to silver, Sookie imagines that he certainly seems to have a tongue that's made of it, hitting Sookie in all her soft spots and declaring love for only her. Jesus. I mean, Godric. In stark contrast, there's Bill. For a guy who fears staking, you'd think he wouldn't constantly walk around with a stick up his ass. Oh, but poor Bill. I do feel for him.

Incidentally, in this week's "Bill is Johnny Drama" comparison, Drama spent his episode trying to keep a sweet girl away from a handsome, tall blonde dude who happens to be Drama's boss, and Drama even grabbed the guy by the throat, and then, well...it all worked for him as well as this exact same situation worked this week for Bill. Freaky, huh?

Anyhow, despite all Bill's proclamations that "Sook-ay is MINE," and telling Eric there's nothing he can do about, not even ten minutes later he catches Sookie sucking on Eric's chest. And, really, who wouldn't suck that chest? Silver smilver, I'd be all, "Eric, you've got a crumb right there. No, you missed it. There. Let me help..."

Anyhow you still gotta love Sookie. I notice in her dream scenario, Eric didn't bite her. Maybe she's getting sick of Bill always doing that? Then again, for a girl who, considering the company she keeps, should be keeping her jugular well protected, she continues to stick her neck out for the vampires. This week, she took on Nan Flanagan, professing Godric's heroic actions to save her life while Nan was so clearly unimpressed with vampire near-royalty giving a shit about a human. But Sookie just plugged away, despite Bill trying to stop her. Recurring themes and spot-on characterizations, there, I tell you. Every episode, at least once it happens. Bill: "Sookie, Don't!" Sookie: "Pfft. BLABBLAB obnoxiously at dangerous vampire."

Not only that, but Bill once again looked the fool. He finally DID pick his fight with Eric, punching him square in the jaw with all his vampire might. Eric took it, spit blood, and then quietly said, "Get out of my way." And Bill moved aside! Bill! Oh, Bill. (Johnny Drama!) But Bill did have the coolest special effect, right at the start of the episode when he bit the crusader's neck. A blood mist exploded, and that was something new and really quite gross. Also, I guess it's because of his coloring, but while Eric, to me, is hands down the scariest looking vampire when he's in attack mode, Bill takes the prize for always looking the grossest when his mouth and lips are all bloody. Maybe it's his coloring. But I also had a MAJOR issue with the makeup/coloring on Stephen Moyer's Bill this week. He no longer looks undead, makeup department. He looks fucking dead. Like a corpse. Greenish, even. Fucking, fix this shit, would you? It's bad enough he's now got to compete against Eric. He doesn't need to look like he belongs on the coroner's table to do it.

As I mentioned, it was just love, or even loyalty, but devotion that played a pivotal role in this episode, with several characters' devotions coming into question, while others were just solidified. There was:
Lafayette - Tara - Maryann
Godric - Eric - Sookie - Bill
Hoyt's mama - Hoyt- Jessica

But I particularly loved Sookie and Jason reconnecting. Though he wasn't kicking actual ass in this episode, Jason and Sook kicked figurative ass while bonding over Gram as the siblings ought to. And poor Jason, admitting to being a fuckhead idiot.

Jason and Sookie's scene, while being quietly and truly touching, also gave us the best visual laugh of the week once the Newlins popped back onscreen, with Steve sporting a bruise from the paintball, and he and Sarah devolving into sniping at each other instead of defending themselves against Nan, until Sarah finally frustratedly shouted to the vamp PR queen "I hate your hair!"

Not quite siblings, but sharing the deep bond, Tara's cousin Lafayette did the literal ass kicking this week. Lafayette!

Oh my Godric, y'all, I loved seeing him put the hurt on fucking Eggs and rescue his hooker cousin! I have to admit, after the way her mother treated her, I wasn't too broken up about seeing Tara attack her mom, but then it got a little, you know, demonically violent and was glad Lafayette broke it up. I do notice he was super-strong, and assume that's courtesy of -- say it with me -- having ingested Eric's 1000 year old blood. I also have to wonder if that supernatural blood will help protect Lafayette from Maryann's advances, because she sure seemed to take an instant interest in him (though, who wouldn't, right?) while he immediately said he "didn't know what you are, but you're a soulless bitch." You know, I know the whole imprisoning/torture thing that Eric did to Laf was not cool, but I also now wonder if it didn't ultimately save his life in more than one way, because you know Lafayette would've been first in line to the wild orgies. Also? Rutina Wesley wins scream of the week.

Also kicking ass, even if it's only verbal ass? Real men Hoyt and Terry. Terry, "I didn't mean to get peculiar at you" to Arlene was classic, and Hoyt standing up to his momma was awesome.

Hoyt is, without question, any girl's dream first-boyfriend. In other words, someone that good just doesn't exist, but I really hope both he and Jessica survive the season.

I must say I was shocked that Stan died oddly quietly. I assume he bit the dust because I found his evil ass attractive, which is what makes me worried for Hoyt and his uber-goodness. I don't even recall seeing a gross shot of Stan's exploded corpse or anything amidst the rubble of the explosion. And I do enjoy my gore effects on this show. Given that, I wasn't so impressed with the special effects of Godric's immolation. It did nothing to lessen the power of that scene, but it was one of the few times when I thought "TV budget" instead of movie quality. And I still question why the fuck Isabel is so fucking tan!

But this was quite possibly the best episode of this show to date, of both seasons. Not only did it bring all the fun we're used to, but it rose up levels and touched up universal and well-worn "heavy" themes that could've come off as clunky, melodramatic, or even cheap. But young Allan Hyde as Godric played it understated, while Skarsgard and Paquin did the heartbreaking work. And what was most notable is that in this show about near-constant bloodshed and violence, the biggest and most moving moment to date was one of pure gentleness and simple kindness.

But even stranger, instead of it closing doors, this episode also managed to open up so many more questions and boundaries, perhaps confusing even the viewer's devotions along with the characters'. One thing that is still a constant, though, is my allegiance to Team Skarsgard Shirtless. Alex just proved it. No matter how good the show is, it can always be improved with proper nudity.

NOTE: I usually get my screencaps from True Blood.net or marishna, but I've a feeling they're gonna take their time clicking through this episode, so we did it a little different. The most excellent gifs were courtesy of Sophistabitch.

Whoo-Hoo for Woo!

2009-08-10T18:28:00.000-07:00

After a few lackluster Blood episodes, this week's, , "Timebomb," written by Alexander Woo and directed by John Dahl (Rounders) brought back the bang! (I had to make the bomb pun-reference at least once.) Easily one of the best episodes ever for the humor, horror, suspense and sex appeal, it's almost hard to pick out the best parts.

For fans of bondage and sadism, we had both of those on display, with Eric getting chained in silver and Tara and Eggs taking slap and tickle a little too far. I think it was more than a coincidence that Sookie unraveled the chains holding Eric -- echoing her season one rescue of Bill.

That scene had a whole different vibe than the all-out disturbing Tara throwdown. Eric's skin was steaming (while he was also just smoking hot!) but it wasn't nearly as gross as the whole Hunter's Souffle thing. First, we had Maryann jumping on the Julia Childs revival bandwagon, but she took a severe left turn when she started hacking up Daphne's heart to add to the mix. And I do have to say, this plotline is now pissing me off. I know Tara's bewitched, but come ON. When you start cutting a pot pie and it bubbles blood, I still think you'd be disinclined to start eating it. At least one moment's hesitation to think, "Hmm. What sort of new fuckery is this, spilling out of this souffle?" But no. She and Eggs wolf it down, and next think you know, she's kicking him in the balls and then fucking him, all black eyed and apparently with her jeans still on.

I don't know what sort of juju Maryann is working, but that's pretty powerful to pull those feats off. But this was the only low point of the show, as the rest was nearly perfection. It was stock suspense-movie shit, the scenes with Sam getting woken in the woods and then going into the bar and getting framed. But it was done well -- so well that it's understandable why it's stock suspense scenes. Beyond that, Sam Tramell as Sam Merlotte again gives one of the easiest performances. For all the shit he's going through, getting pushed into a jail cell, he still has time to react when Mike the coroner tells him, "I sodomized a pine tree." And Sam appropriately reacts, "What'd you do that for?"

But for as funny as this episode was, I'm torn on the funniest scene of all. Once again, we have proof that Bill Compton is the undead, Southern version of Entourage's Johnny Drama. Over on the west coast, the boys played a round of charity golf (in an overall very funny episode) and Drama got bent out of shape when his game wasn't sharp and so he destroyed Tom Brady's club. This was a scene that shows why Kevin Dillon is Emmy nominated for this role. We all knew that the abuse of the club was going to happen, but it was still laugh-out-loud funny when it did. Meanwhile, Bill did some property damage of his own when he beat the shit out of Lorena with a 52 inch plasma TV. The best part -- it was the hotel's TV, so it's all still on Eric's bill! Oh my god, I love Bill. I know I make fun, because he's such a doof, but I do adore him and his oh-so-earnest and passive-aggressive ways.

Meanwhile, it was a tie for the awkward-funny between Bill and Jason for their scene together when Jason made amends to officially welcome him to the family. First, Jason opened the episode with the Reverend's wife leaning over him with a paintball gun, shouting, "You're worse than Judas!" And Jason asks, "Why? What'd he do to you?" It was getting trying to have all the characters in their own worlds and plots, separated from each other. But it paid off in spades this episode when finally Sookie and Jason's lives dovetailed again. Jason again got all "Don't talk about my sister!" and then armed himself and stormed the church and played conquering hero. But after that, he still had some karmic cleaning up to do.

First, Eric cornered him. Once Eric had Godric back to safety, it was as though Eric shook off the weight of the world and he as back to being his old, toying, self -- smirking at humans and taunting Bill, while clearly eyeing up Sookie as more than a snack, giving blatant crazy eyes to her in front of Bill. His exchange with Jason was pure joy as they cleared the air about Jason's V habit from last year and Eric gave him a pass, while also nearly scaring the piss out of Jason.

But Jason then cornered Bill, apologizing to him for his previous dickitude towards him, and then awkwardly lunging at him and hugging him. Bill, of course, reacted the way I'd assume most vampires react to a human hugging them -- essentially the way a human reacts when they don't want to be bit by a vampire. In a desperate, hopeless recoil.

But Bill did pull his shit together enough to respond, when Jason self-consciously asked, "Was that okay for you?" Bill squeaked out, "It was fine." That Bill.

But then I have to swing back to Eric, bringing the unexpected himself. I can't recall a more anachronistic creature than Eric, slinking through that church. He may not have gotten shirtless, but he did provoke a near panty-change when he leaned close to Sookie and whispered, "Trust me." Then, still clad in his black leathers, his skin gleaming white, he hunched himself down and adopted a weird stride as he took on a hilarious Texas twang to attempt to fake out churck-folk. It honestly looked like a cartoon panel with the absurdity and hilarity of it, or at least like Skarsgard had channeled Jim Carey for a few moments before he suddenly turned into his menacing self again.

Speaking of menacing, I've always got to have the attraction to the assholes. When cowboy-vampire Stan stormed the church and declared, "Destroy them all!" I have to admit I thought he was wickedly attractive. But, then again, continual good-boy Hoyt was still adorable, as was Jessica. Poor Jessica, forever doomed to be a "virgin." My lord, in the battle of vampire families, even with Jessica in the mix, Eric's bloodline of Godric-Eric-Pam kicks the everloving shit for cool quotient over the Lorena-Bill-Jessica line. Bill's family needs centuries of therapy.

Not virginal, however, is Reverend Newlin's wife. And Jason finally let him in on that. When Newlin taunted, "We'll see who goes to heaven," Jason responded with the knockout blow: "I've already been to heaven. It was inside your wife." He then punched him and called him a "white suit motherfucker" which is pretty much what clinched it for Jason, allowing me to crown him as the funniest guy this whole show.

Although Ryan Kwanten's Jason brought the ultimate in funny, he uncharacteristically remained fully clothed this episode, leaving the door ajar for Sookie to sneak in and steal the most beautiful award. She was absolutely rocking that while coat.

Even better was the set up for stunning and symbolic group shots that it allowed. Not to be outdone by Woo's outstandingly sly script, Dahl created some scenes through lighting and choreography that were better than most movies. At the "Godric is back" gathering, Sookie was wearing the snow white. Nearly every vampire was wearing black, except for Godric, who was wearing light grey, and Bill, who was in greyish-green. Human Jason was also in grey. And bloodsucker Lorena was in blood red. Two other visually stunning details when they show the wide shot: 1) Vampires don't breathe, and for several seconds, the room was completely motionless as the vampires simply hovered, watching. 2) The smallest and seemingly youngest person in the room was, by far, the most powerful. And the actor playing Godric, Alan Hyde, pulled that off.

There were also a few other stunning scenes in the church. By the time Stan arrived and the showdown started, and church was set to explode, suddenly Godric appeared at the top of the atrium in the sanctuary, commanding all attention.

And though his exact words were, "I'm actually older than your Jesus. I wish I had known him, but I missed it," he then went ultimate peacemaker and refused to allow Stan and Eric to slaughter the civilians. Oh, so sweet and wise he is. When Eric later balked, claiming that the church did nothing but fan the flames of hatred against them, Godric simply replied, "Let's be honest. We are frightening."

No shit. For as awful as the bloody heart souffle was, the most horrifying moment this week was still when Lorena attacked and bit poor, innocent Barry. I was a little torn when Sookie went all Springer on Lorena's ass. I don't blame Sookie for being pissed, but it was just a little declasse of her to start screaming like that in public. Especially because she wasn't fighting over Barry. They were, of course, fighting over Bill. Bill!

I don't think we've seen the last of Lorena. But given Eric's complete devotion to and abject submittal to Godric's will, I think we've also just stepped up the love triangle as Eric will be approaching Sookie no longer as a pet, but now as a person. God, it's all so Aniston-Pitt-Jolie I can't stand it. I'm neither Team Compton nor Team Northman here. I'm just still Team Skarsgard Shirtless, so this is all looking like good, filthy fun. Woooooo!

Bite Me, HBO -- The Alexander Skarsgard Post

2009-08-07T20:49:00.000-07:00

I want one. I will never have one. So I rent weekly. But I'm starting to get frustrated, feeling like my supplier is holding back on me.

What is that I want? My own Viking Vampire, as played by Swedish stud Alexander Skarsgard. Or, well, at this point, to be frank, I don't care if he's a Viking or a vampire. I just have a crush on Skarsgard. And, it's apparently not just me. The ratings numbers for True Blood are climbing each week, now officially making it the most watched cable show since The Sopranos. And yes, yes, we know it's because of Alan Ball's writing, Charlaine Harris's wacky world, all that addictive blood and violence, not to mention all the blatant sex. But, speaking of the sex, that's exactly why I'm getting a little miffed. Because the sex scenes are explicit. But they're keeping The Sex still under wraps. Which is my long-winded way of saying that it's about fucking time for Skarsgard to --at least -- take off his shirt, dammit!

I am paying really good money for HBO. And so far, this is the most they've delivered -- just one quick peek of Eric relaxing in a bathtub last season, with Bill (naturally, it has to be Bill fucking up our fun) barging in on him.

At this point in my crush, I have been diligently scouring the web (fuck you, it's so not cyberstalking, yet. Is it?), searching for all the Alex info possible, and let me tell you, in recent weeks, he is suddenly everywhere. I know I'm not the only one he's glamoured, and I'm also fairly certain that Ken Branagh is about ready to kick himself for passing on this 6'4" golden god for his upcoming movie Thor. As Eric would say: "Poorly played, Ken. Poorly played."

Alexander admits that quite often nowadays, when women see him in public, they ask him to bite their necks. And, god bless this boy, he claims he always happily obliges. Isn't that supposedly one of the primary body language signs of flirting, when a woman shows her neck? What a way to flirt so openly and play it off to his current role.

And talk about a flirt and a tease? Alexander has given several interviews lately talking about his views on nudity onscreen. Guess what? He's all for it! "I'm Scandinavian, dammit, we love to be naked! Nudity is great!" Also? It gets even better: He's ALL for it, doesn't even want a sock in the way!

FUCK, RIGHT?

And yet, eight episodes into the second season of this show, and the closest I can get to Valhalla is courtesy of Lady GaGa's "Paparazzi" video where she (wisely) makes out with him and at least gets his pants off.

I did, also, happen to find this charming clip from a Swedish film, but there's all sorts of fuckery about with subtitles which totally screw up the view.

Great Odin's Raven! This isn't a Bergman film! When there's soap and water and a naked Skarsgard, I really do not need a translation. At this point, I feel as though "cockblocking" is taking on a slightly different meaning.

I am not a valkyrie and will most certainly never have an Alexander Skarsgard of my own. But it's quite enough to just have him onscreen. But enough of this teasing, HBO! Every week you people contort yourselves and the plot to get Jason Stackhouse out of his shirt, and then you keep shoving Bill in my face all shirtless and trouser-less. Bill! Bite me with the naked Bill! Give me my premium cable money's worth, bitches! Skarsgard! Skin! SOON! I'm salivating here!

Don't You Forget About Him

2009-08-06T23:31:00.000-07:00

As a lover of movies, and a child of the '80s, of course I know who John Hughes is, and his passing is one of those benchmarks that makes me more aware of my advancing age.

I have, luckily, been aware that my youth was gone a long time ago. In fact, I was aware that it was slipping away back when I was still a teenager, which was a strange gift of prescience, because I firmly believe that most teenagers are blissfully unaware of their own mortality, but being able to process the fact that youth was brief drove a lot of my wildness, and my crazy antics are something I most certainly don't regret. But his passing makes me reminisce, because some of his movies were -- whether you like them or not -- inarguably cultural touchstones.

They are, without question, drenched in '80s -- both in the fashions/music onscreen, but also in their very construction and execution. Hollywood has its ups and downs, and the '80s, in general, were one of those downs. And comedy can often have a generational divide. I truly don't know if kids today would find Sixteen Candles or The Breakfast Club or Ferris Bueller funny. They're perhaps not rife enough with texting and twittering refernces to be able to connect. And yet, something tells me that they do endure because Hughes, seemingly so effortlessly, was able to tap into the high school cliques in such a base, archetypal way, that I suspect they still have cross-generational resonance along with some silly gags along the way.

There is the primary setup in all these movies that pits the teenagers against the adult authority figures in some capacity, and that's certainly a theme that will endure for a very long time. But beyond the rebellion angle, the theme that's even more pervasive, at least in the brat packy faves Sixteen Candles and Breakfast Club, is the desire for acceptance and belonging.

And what Hughes did so smartly, so effortlessly, is to portray, within his waspy suburban setting, all the cliques as having this desire. In teen movies, it's very often the misfit against the in-crowd. And there is, of course, more than a dash of that conflict in Hughes's flicks. But these pictures aren't set up as come-uppance pictures so much as coming-of-age pictures, because Hughes generally refrained from villainizing the cool kids. Some of them, of course, get painted with the irredeemable asshole brush. But whether it was smart marketing on his part, or just an insightful sensitivity, he understood and projected to the audience that even the cool kids were searching for validation. And it's at least partly because of this that he ended up with monster hits.

When we watch movies, we root for the underdog, certainly. But when presenting teens to teens, you're not going to "get through" to the widest audience when you alienate a large portion of your audience by presenting them as the bad guys. Because the jocks and the popular kids were represented as just as vulnerable and root-for worthy, Hughes was able to portray all the typical cliques in an inclusionary, wacky way. As Emilio Estevez's character said, "We're all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it."

And the simplest part of it, the "enlightening" part, was that acceptance came between different groups, but also for each individual, not because they eventually rebelled against their labels, but embraced them, and had their awakening when they realized that they were more than that, that some others saw them as full humans, but were now okay with being what they were labeled as.

It's a very liberating, and hopeful concept for teenagers who are struggling to figure out what they're supposed to be and do and how to grow up in the world. John Hughes, as a director, I don't think he'll ever be hailed as an "auteur." Even as a writer, though he penned many monster comedy hits, I don't know if he's considered a comic genius, either. Perhaps it's a perceived lack of gravitas, or his waspy, middle-America settings, or the somewhat sanitized teenage tales that will keep him off the list of the elite. Or, perhaps, history will bear out and bring about a Hughes appreciation. But I know this. If you're of my generation, you've had, somewhere along the way, something happen to you (or, now, something happend to one of your kids) that seemed like it was right out of a John Hughes movie -- and you know forever exactly what that phrase means.

Are You There Godric? It's Me, Sookie

2009-08-03T18:27:00.000-07:00

Well, although the pace of True Blood has been nearly glacial the past few weeks, it's still manages to pack the wallops here and there and thoroughly entertain. I loved that we opened up with Andy getting up from the ground and still yelling-chasing after the "PIG!"

I was most heartened this week to see Lafayette start to get some of his "pizzaz" back, and to see Tara at least start to slide pieces into place while she's not fully entranced. Not only are they cousins, but Lafayette and Tara have consistently been the smartest people on this show.

(I know, not so hard to outwit the likes of the Stackhouse siblings, but still.) Seeing Lafayette go right after Eggs in front of Tara was some good shit, and then Arlene confessing her "date rape" of Terry wasn't just good for laughs, it's definitely making Tara start to wake up. I know Sam warned her about Maryann earlier, but I wish he'd take this opportunity to really grab her and shake her to her senses to get her away from the freak.

This was, certainly, an episode about crazy bitches. Ever since Glenn Close boiled Michael Douglas's family pet, we've taken to calling stalkerish chicks bunny boilers, and they ran amok this week. Maryann actually killed and brought home a rabbit, trailing the blood across Sookie's floor.

And yet, this wasn't enough to completely awaken Tara. I don't know what sort of hash Eggs is slinging, but he's got his girl scrambled, alright. But then we also had Daphne trying to pull Sam to the dark side. There were a couple of unfortunate moments in these scenes, however. First, it was about five minutes of pure exposition, which was just weird. Second, it showcased Sam Trammell's acting ability, which was a stark contrast to the previous scene with Ana Camp's tiresome, uh, no pun intended, overly-campy delivery. That said, I did love Ana-Sarah Newlin's wacked out hair as she tracked down Jason and open fired upon him. She's a mortal, and I still think she may be the wackiest bitch they've got going. But let's not forget crazy Lorena, still pining for Bill. The oddest thing here isn't that she's so nasty and crazy, but that's she's still hung up on Bill. Bill!

And, in the crazy bitch department, I guess we can also include the sunny-side up Reverend Steve Newlin and his queeny, vamp-hating ways.

But it was overall a nice contrast. Just two weeks ago, the episode was titled "Never Let Me Go," and this week was "Release Me," and in the timeline of the show, I think this mighty change is only a matter of two days. No surprise all these guys (and Tara) want away from these crazy broads, but it was also Sookie who was literally imprisoned. Poor Sook, but I was glad to see bellboy Barry come to her rescue. And if crazy bitch Lorena hurts the poor dear schmuck Barry, I'll stake her myself!

I was particularly glad to see Hoyt and Jessica not only staying out of the fray, but continuing to bring the utterly awkward and adorable. Finally, they break out the joke as "Bleeding Love" plays as Hoyt's seduction number for his vamp girlfriend. And I do love Jessica, with Hoyt trying so hard to be gentle and romance her, and she just blurts out, "Just take off your pants."

Also a nice moment? Jason being dragged out in the woods to get killed, and he doesn't even know why, but as soon as the brute badmouthed Sookie, Jason got all sibling on his ass with "Don't talk about my sister!" and then kicked the shit out of the muscle!

I will say it again. He may not be the brightest crayon in the box, but he is Jason fucking Stackhouse! He will have his pudding, dammit! And then he will defend his sister! Too bad he apparently gets shot for it. Fuck it. Maybe Godric will give him some of his blood. I know they mentioned it in this episode, but I'm still a little fuzzy on it, but I believe they said he's 2,000 years old, so his blood could heal Jason if that's true.

All I know is that Godric had better be worth the worry he's putting Eric through. Again, I think it's been mentioned that Godric is twice as old as Eric, but Eric is our resident super-vampire, and I do not like seeing him cry blood, damnit. That said, I do really like the contrast they've set up between Eric and Bill from the start, and seeing them with their makers really brings it all into sharp focus. Part of the reason Eric is so enjoyable is because he loves being a vampire. Bill sees it all as a curse that ruined his life, and sees his maker as a crazy fucking bitch, and is filled with self-loathing for the awful things he's done. Meanwhile Eric feels utter devotion -- quite possibly even worship -- to his maker and sees his vampirism as the ultimate gift and takes a lot of joy in vampiring it up. The oddest part? Though we've seen Eric, the bad boy, be completely manipulative and even Machiavellian and downright violently brutal, there's always a bit of a qualifier to his actions. He's just not nasty or evil. Whereas last week, we saw Bill, the good guy, do some truly grotesque and ghastly things.

All of this, of course, probably points to an ultimate Eric and Sookie pairing, which I don't really mind, as long as Sooks doesn't try to, ahem, defang the viking vampire the way she has with Bill. Then again, Eric will also have to get over his general distaste for humans and how "They certainly don't keep well." He is a funny fucker, alright. I wonder if he pictures putting Sookie in a refrigerator crisper to keep her fresh longer. But I can only tolerate him getting the cow eyes over Godric, not a girl.

As for things I really don't understand, though -- WHY must our Louisiana vampires be so pasty, while the Dallas ones aren't? I recall last season and how I thought we didn't have hot guys on this show. I've since seen Stephen Moyer (Bill) doing interviews, and he is, in fact, quite hot without the pancake makeup and bad hairdo. Alexander Skarsgard, even while being pasty white with red-rimmed eyes, is incredibly hot now that they've given him a haircut and D&G clothes. But then we meet Isabel and Stan, and they look -- human. They look great! Are they Mystic Tanning? Compare the difference between these first two and then Bill and Eric. What the fuck, right?

It can't be an age discrepancy, because I'm relatively certain at this point that Eric is 1,000 and Bill is under 150 -- and they're both the color of skim milk. I'm almost hoping they actually have the big "Meet the Dawn" barbeque and that Bill and Eric get just crisped enough to give them some color at this point.

Lastly, it wasn't just Turtle last night who was pulling off a Chuck Bass look. 2,000 years old, one of the pale ones, and he saved our succulent Sookie, but Godric was definitely Bassish.

Yum

2009-07-29T21:02:00.000-07:00

The lovely and talented Donna George Storey recently shared a recipe for almond tea cake that I tried and loved. So when she asked if I had a recipe for tiramisu, I felt kind of bad, because I kind of don't. It's more of a clusterfuck of what I feel like doing, with some basic steps, but I passed it along to her, so go ahead and check out her blog if you want to check out one of my favorite standards that's never really standard.

Also speaking of food/beverage, I know I'm pathetic at this point, but damn right I'm a gonna try this. I'll mix anything with vodka at least once. Between this and Dexter, blood oranges are really getting some play these days.

Betas

2009-07-27T19:29:00.000-07:00

It was alternately a very bad, and then a bad that became okay night for betas on HBO last night.

On Entourage, Turtle's birthday increased his post-adolescence funk as he decided it was time to become his own man. While Ari helped to propel E more towards business savy independence, he also had to play dad to Turtle and show him some tough love. We've seen Turtle try to make his own way before when he discovered Saigon, but that turned out fairly disastrously. But now that Vinny's back on top, life should be easy for Turtle. But does this look like a guy who was just given two cars (including one Ferrari) for his birthday and has bagged Jamie-Lynn Sigler?

Oh poor Turtle. The show was in full-swing douche mode when all four guys got to race Ferraris around a track. But, you know, it's Entourage, and I was glad Drama got to do it. When they were done, he mused about getting himself a Ferrari, but Turtle called him out, saying, "In this economy, you'd look like a douche." Of course, two feet away sat Vince's birthday present to Turtle -- a Ferrari. It was one of those insanely over-the-top Entourage moments that make me simultaneously sigh in disgust while also warming my heart. But poor Turtle got little satisfaction from the gift, and then even less from Ari when Ari reamed him out and told him to man up and prove his worth before coming and asking for his help.

In stark contrast was E. I have to say I'm really glad that I finally warmed up to E last season, because he was -- no pun intended here -- gold this episode. Under Ari's coaching, he suited up and went in to fight for his client against a network exec, and then, when all seemed lost, he owned the line of the night by going Omarosa on the executive and saying, "Well, maybe you're racist." Even better was Ari, giggling about it with him over the phone, telling him he was proud of him even though he blew it.

While E took another step toward independence, poor Lloyd kept sucking it up, proving his worth to Ari by memorizing insane amounts of info and greeting all clients more professionally. "Good afternoon Mr., uh, Turtle." But Turtle too, didn't buckle under Ari's challenge and decided to take the first step to bringing his ideas to fruition by going back to school. What the fuck, man? Is this Entourage or an after-school special all the sudden? All I can say is good for Turtle, but he BETTER be hitting the books while being baked, or this whole plotline just lost all cred.

Though I'm sure it wasn't intentional, Hung's Ray finally manned-up last night and turned his first successful trick. Quite a big leap from last week when his client stole his wallet and maxed out his credit cards. (That really does make me giggle, even a week later.) Not as funny as last week with him getting played like that, but nice development.

Meanwhile, the weird and wonderful True Blood got its mojo back this week. How bad can an episode be when it starts off with Eric drinking hooker blood in a hotel bar and being too bored to endure it?

That's Eric for you, alright. I'm rapidly becoming enchanted with Alexander Skarsgard. He plays Eric with such calm composure, and yet there's a nearly palpable difference between his lazily bored demeanor and the times when he's quietly pensive, and then the dangerous, coiled and controlled monstrous strength he simply projects, and it's enough to intrigue and scare the shit out of you, considering we have seen him rip people limb from limb. And he did, of course, get snippy with the hooker when she called him "baby" because, say it with me people, he is "over 1,000 years old."

I also loved Lafayette's hallucinating Andy as Eric. Skarsgard nailed those Andy facial expressions, and it was made even funnier when later in the episode, Sam mimicked Andy's voice talking about the pig. As an aside, Terry taking care of cowering, PTSDing Lafayette was about the sweetest thing ever. But back to Eric...

As awesomely threatening and yet supernaturally sexy as Eric is -- and he is sex on film, the country of Sweden has crowned him their sexiest man six times now

(Can People magazine and their beautiful people issue be far behind? Now that they've run through the cast of Ocean's Eleven, maybe they'll go slumming in the southern vampire series and discover some new sex next year) -- I was alternately scared by and then scared for Vampire Bill. (and yes, that was one hell of a fucked up sentence, but I do this shit for free, so let it go.)

Bill. BILL! What the fuck! I finally get what Malcolm and the rest of the ratty pack meant last year when they called him out for being buzzkill now that he's mainstreaming. With last night's flashback, we finally got a glimpse of pre-Sookie, "adolescent" Bill. He and his gorgeous-yet-nasty maker Lorena owned the bloodiest, most disturbing scene of the night as flapper-era vamps who terrorized and slaughtered a couple and then fucked in blood-soaked bed while the woman kept oozing blood around them. So gross! (awesome!) But truly disturbing, considering it was Bill, who we've recently been lulled into thinking of as a "good" guy. But, you know, he was still Bill in the scene. Though nastily mocking the man, he was still decidedly dorky about it, repeating the poor fellow's stutter and shouting "Au revoir!" Then, of course, back in the present day, he gets beat up by a girl. Oh, Bill.

But the best little touch last night? A couple eps ago, Bill got cutesy with Eric. Knowing Eric was picking up the tab, Bill ordered a $45 bottle of TruBlood, and when Eric said he hoped that Bill would at least enjoy it, Bill smirked as he said he had no intention of drinking it, he was just wanted Eric to pay for it. Eric called him immature and moved on, but I thought it was pretty funny. Last night, fully frustrated, Bill's progeny Jessica checked out the room service and saw the price of TruBlood being $45, and, assuming Bill was paying, she snottily took two bottles from the mini-fridge and dumped them down the drain. She is SOOO his "daughter!"

Apropos of nothing, but Anna Paquin does about the best screaming of anyone.

She's got a lot of different screams, for all different occasions. Last night, it was high-pitched and mewly, short burts while she struggled to get away. Totally different from her pain-filled, nearly whistle scream, and a whole different category from her shock/surprise/scared scream. Good job, Anna. I also loved Sookie's observation that Mrs. Reverend Newlin looks like "vanilla pudding." Particularly funny considering the infamous "Sarah doesn't whip out her pudding for just anybody" line earlier this year.

The entire last twenty minutes of the show had insane mounting tension, and not least of all because they waited until the 52 minute mark to finally give us shirtless Jason. Back to that pudding being whipped out? We knew it was coming. I don't care how tight the pudding lockdown supposedly is. He is Jason fucking Stackhouse and if he wants pudding, he's gonna get it. And he got it, even though he really doesn't want it.

But it was our perpetual beta dog, Sam, who finally had it all collapse on him last night. I knew it was a bad idea to sleep with another employee. Turns out, this time, it's because she's a minion -- and the pig! She's the infamous, motherfucking Paul Bunyan, lacking a livestock permit pig! And she led him straight to Maryann. That vibrating bitch! I was so concerned about what she wanted with Tara that I forgot that Tara was just a pawn to get to Sam. I still don't get why, but poor old Sam. Unlike Turtle, I don't think a few adult education courses are going to get him out of this pickle. (though I still recommend that sexual harassment seminar, dude.) The poor, scruffy, plaid-wearing son-of-a-bitch. (<--probably literally, hee!) The best part that makes it all so True Blood? Yeah, he was kidnapped and taken to an orgy! WHY exactly aren't you watching this show yet?

True Blood Drinking Game Season Two Addendum

2009-07-20T20:46:00.000-07:00

Okay, anytime someone mentions that Godric is two fucking thousand years old, don't drink. Vomit up everything you've been drinking. Seriously. Godric is 2,000 years old! Did you know that? Has Eric mentioned this to you? Ask him about it. He's sure to let you know that he's 1,000 years old, and that Godric is twice as old as he is, and twice as strong. So that means that Godric is 2,000 years old!

Now look, Alan Ball, I TRULY do appreciate all the shit this brings together on the show, what with Jason being "made" into a warrior by the radical Christians. You know, Christians, people who believe in Jesus, a guy who lived 2,000 years ago! And now, our resident super-Vamp, Eric, with all his seemingly feline disinterest, is all uppity because his 2,000 year old maker has been stolen by this church! But this all became anvilicious last week with all the repeated utterings of age. This week? Just ridiculous.

That said, I absolutely cracked up at Barry giving Sookie the smackdown about her being from some "burnt corncob of a town and hanging out with candy-assed vampires." Truly, the funniest yet reference to Dallas being rogue and all generally Texas in their 'tude, while also getting in the weekly jab about Vampire Bill being a lame-O. Poor fuckin' Bill. No longer just a dork, now also a candy-ass.

This week had to be the most boring episode ever of this show. It had been laughable that it had been overlooked by the Emmys for show/writing/acting categories, and yet I wasn't at all surprised. For as popular as this show was last year, it was hugely un-watercoolerish, in that no one was talking about it. I mean, I did, some. But I think most of us had the same guilt over it, so we'd huddle in our darkened rooms and drool over the episodes and then be embarrassed to talk about it, being as it is, after all, a freaking vampire show. It just sounds so silly. But then something happened after the season finale and viewers couldn't stand it anymore and started to make little asides until it built, and the anticipation over Lafayette's fate was too much to keep secret once the new season got close. Then, this summer, it just exploded the way a staked vampire can and suddenly it was a Bloodbath in the media and on the streets. But that was a little too little and a little too late for Emmy consideration, and the Emmys DO go with the flow of chatter instead of actually picking stuff up on their own. But then, sadly, after the noms were announced, instead of this episode making it seem ludicrous that it was left off the list, it just made the whole show seem ludicrous to any new viewers. I mean, seriously.

What the fuck? ZERO bloodshed and gore content. They totally ignored the murder mystery that opened the season. Even though it has obviously been back-burnered what with the 2,000 year old Godric problem, we could've at least had one shot of Andy working on it, or the pig problem. Worse, Bill and Sookie have hit "Schmoopy" territory with their relationship. THIS is exactly the shit that people are talking about when they call you a bitch, Bill!

Worse yet, at the end of the show, vibrating bitch Maryann shows up looking like she raided Big Love's Juniper Creek wardrobe department and Tara didn't say SHIT about it! I realize that Tara must be spellbound or something, but STILL. Without her saying, "Bitch, what are you wearing?" it just seemed even more bizarre.

Also? Whenever that once-unintentionally-creepy-assed-now-turned-hilarious-due-to-overexposure photo of Tara/Gran/Sookie appears onscreen -- DRINK. Oh my God, y'all. That thing has become so funny to me.

Not funny any longer? Eggs/Maryann/Carl. They now bore me. No orgy this week. Call me fickle, but I missed it. Just all of a sudden they're like displaced Katrina refugees, looking for someplace to live. You KNOW Sookie is gonna go total bitchcakes when she gets back and finds remnants of that damn party/orgy, but she will then lose her shit totally to find them camped out in Gran's room while she's stuck hearing Maryann's inner thoughts of chanting to Dionysus so she can grow talons. What horseshit. Also? Bill will be PISSED cuz Sooks will be pissed. And I just want to smash Eggs' stupid guitar over his head, playing lame-ass shit even John Mayer would think was pussy.

I'm also pissed that it's two weeks in a row with no Pam. That's what Sookie should do! When Tara drops the dime to Sookie about the un-fab trio hunking down at Chez Stackhouse, Sookie should make Eric get PAM to go over there to chaperone.

Another Drink add on? Whenever Sam has sex with an employee -- drink. I know we'll all be plastered, but it needs to be said at this point. I have never seen anyone so happy to dip his pen in the company ink. Or, in his case, I guess, dip his straw in the bar's mixed drink. Christ! (Or, er, Godric!) Someone please get this guy to a seminar about this kind of thing. Terry? Lafayette? Bueller? ANYONE!

On the upside, I'm sure next week will be a return to the gore and action and sick sex. (And no, that holy-water handjob Jason got doesn't count for this week. That was funny, alright, and weird, but just...no. )
Hardcore fans only for the next paragraph, cause I've got a major spoiler I can share with you:

A very reliable source has confirmed to me that it's true -- Godric is 2,000 years old! Shhhh, don't tell anyone, I think it's a secret!

Evil, Orgies, and Growing Up

2009-07-13T19:37:00.000-07:00

Finally, Entourage returned for the summer last night. HBO is obviously gunning for a big Sunday night with True Blood, Hung, and Entourage. Hung, I'm still undecided about, as it's got this annoying habit of starting at the end and flashing back to reveal each episode. I don't mind non-linear storytelling, as long it's done well. (Pulp Fiction) But it can also be a shortcut to try and keep the click-happy viewing public engaged by putting the climax upfront and then making us sit through the build-up. The problem with this trick, when it's done repeatedly, is that it's needed only if the episodes are consistently THAT boring in the build-up. Also, the "hook" or climax had better be good enough to keep me watching to see what caused it, and I'm not sure Hung is doing that. But it's happily (and luckily) sandwiched between Blood and the boys, and not only is Thomas Jane still cute, but Jane Adams is interesting, so I may as well give it a shot. I just hope it doesn't become a chore, the way that Weeds and Nurse Jackie feel.

Those two shows are definitely living off audience goodwill. Weeds at least culled its own goodwill with a few very funny seasons, but Jackie is leaching off the goodwill of Edie Falco and The Sopranos -- and neither show is delivering.

Entourage, of course, has built up gallons of good will over the seasons, and it has cemented itself as a thing of summer. The first episode wasn't bad, but it did coast a bit. There were a few funny bits, and they've thrown down the gauntlet for the season, as the whole first episode was hinting at the end of this protracted adolescence for the guys. Drama was hard at work, Turtle was in a good relationship, E was managing his now successful company and thinking of moving out on his own, and even Vinny took a huge step toward independence by finally getting his driver's license. As if that's not enough, Lloyd is finally making his stand and demanding Ari consider promoting him. I remember high school graduation, and how bittersweet it all was, because while everything was good and it was exciting to commence onto bigger and better things, it was also sad because I knew nothing would ever be like high school again. Friends would drift apart and move away, and we'd start doing things instead of fucking around at the beach for days on end. Seeing Vince come home to his empty house was a bit sad, like going home after the prom. He's back on top in the town, but here he was, all alone. Luckily, they didn't play this heavy-handed, as it IS Entourage and it wisely knows its place as a COMEDY. And I assume we can sidestep the sad thing of friends drifting off, considering this season's tagline is simply "life changes. friends don't."

Even luckier, True Blood also knows its place, particularly in the most recent episode written by Alan Ball himself. It's not a drama, it's not a horror show, it's not a comedy. It's all those things. Admittedly, the horror barometer dropped this episode. In fact, I don't think I had to turn away from the screen due to squick factor even once. But the comedy was high and Ball got the ball really rolling.

Prepare yourself, because the following sentence is one that I never thought I'd type, and you probably didn't either. I'm really a little sick of the orgy scenes. Gah! Can you believe it? A little part of me actually died at having to type that! But that's how good Blood is overall. Unlike Hung, which has been using the jumbled timeline to build more interest, Blood has been exquisitely good at keeping each episode ended on a cliffhanger, picking up the next one at exactly that spot, and then keeping the tension/action superbly taut. But for three episodes in a row, we've gotten prolonged orgy scenes, and they were really starting to weigh things down because it just wasn't new. FINALLY this episode we got not only the orgy, but an epic sex scene between Tara and Eggs as that crazy vibrating bitch finally revealed something new, too. And, instead of just sex and dancing in a Matrix 2 rave-like manner, this time the orgy goers started doing face plants in plates of sandwiches and eating dirt. I can give that a thumbs up.

Something else I give a thumbs up? Whoever does the makeup and lighting on this show is top notch. I mean, I know we're dealing with pretty girls to start with. And they've always used the lighting in an almost film noir way in this show. But all I know is this -- if any female is asked to appear on this show, she should say yes immediately, because they are going to make her look supernaturally beautiful.

I've had enough of the crappy curls on Sookie so far this year. It's made her look a little over-made-up, but I did love the hell out of her fancy yellow traveling outfit this week. So Sookie.

But it was the boys who stole the show. From LaFayette's regenerated libido-laced dance to Jason Stackhouse laying down the ultimate in idiot logic at church camp. When his nemesis tries to end the hilarious discussion about who the first biblical vampire was by simply saying, "All I know is that you can count on God to make sure evil gets punished," Jason was able to shut him up with this gem: "Oh yeah? Then how do you explain Europe?" So beautifully Jason Stackhouse.

And, finally, I have to succumb to Vampire Bill. From threatening sweet Hoyt with "Are you going to leave or do I have to throw you out? Of a window! That is closed!" To slyly telling Sookie, "I am a vampire. I am supposed to be tormented." I have finally come around to Stephen Moyer's deadpan deliveries and lack of contractions. He, more than anyone else, cracks me up. He had me last year with his damn Frescas for guests, but this year I'm getting quite a charge out of him. Maybe it's because he's the resident "Johnny Drama" of the show, constantly beleaguered, always played the bitch by Eric and Jessica and whoever else. But he has this strange delivery that I guess maybe only the Brits can master, cause he really does remind me a bit of Cary Grant when he says offhanded shit like, "I will need your credit card number" and it cracks me up. Well, you know, if Cary Grant was painted in white chalk, wearing fangs, and was a Louisiana southern gentleman-come-deadly predator. And I love when people call him "Vampire Bill" instead of just Bill. And this episode, Ball wrote him the best lines to bring out his wry humor while still sticking it to him at every opportunity. Him trying to navigate the tutelage of his young progeny Jessica is just comic gold, as is watching her struggle to not only grow up, but grow into her new life, er, or, undeath.

I am just so glad the holiday is over and we get our Sunday nights now. Of course, I'll probably pitch a fit once Labor Day rolls around. Not just because it is a bittersweet time -- both fun with the big picnics and parties and fireworks (though probably no orgies at casa DiPlacido -- probably), but also sad because it is calling an end to the fun of summer, but mostly because it will once again interrupt my addiction, and I'm just not grown up enough to handle it.

Summer Reading

2009-07-02T19:48:00.000-07:00

The new issue of Eclectica is live, and it features a great interview with Ellen Meister and Saralee Rosenberg about the creative/writing process. It also features a great new story by William Reese Hamilton.

I am also interviewed by the talented Ashley Lister in the newest issue of ERWA. I truly feel for people who have to interview me, as I am a terrible combination of utterly boring, and unreasonably aloof. But Ashley asked great questions which made it easy to oblige.

Also over at ERWA, you'll find Donna George Storey's latest column, which is perfect for summer, as it features picnics and porn. Enjoy "Naked Lunch" with Donna.

Last but most certainly not least, I've been reading the new book by Ron Currie, Jr., Everything Matters! I only started it two days ago, but I'll be finishing it up tonight, which is a little sad. (I get sad when something I'm loving comes to an end.) As for finishing it so quickly, well, I think we all know how I can get a bit obsessed when I'm given some good material. This book is no exception. It's not genre that I usually slip into for summer, but it grabbed me from the start with the strong premise. While still in utero, Junior Thibodeau starts getting introductory messages from a strange voice. Though the voice is rather cheery and informative, it also drops the major buzzkill on him that the earth will be destroyed by a comet when Junior is 36. It then takes an unusual -- and very ambitious -- direction by placing chapters in the various family members' perspectives. Junior's mother, father, and brother advance the time and story, along with splices of The Voice. So far, it's quirky and endearing while being shaded with darkness. Too dark and not nearly whimsical or quirky enough to be like a Tom Robbins tale, though the message part is reminiscent of some of his stuff. Overall it's much more in style and tone to Vonnegut, and there's just nothing wrong with that. So if you're looking for summer reading with a little bit more protein than the usual junk food fare, consider checking it out. I think you'll find yourself engrossed and glad you picked it up.

Addicted to Blood

2009-06-29T20:19:00.000-07:00

I'm a little miffed at HBO. When you create shows that are the viewing equivalent of crack cocaine, it is my opinion that you must then deal responsibly with this commodity. I understand that next weekend is the prime party/holiday of summer, but the fireworks are going to have slightly less sparkle this year because I'll know it's because of the festivities that my dealer has blocked my access to my addiction. Which is to say, only three incredibly engrossing episodes into the season, HBO is going to make us sanguephiles wait for two weeks for another new episode. Fuckers. Fuckers!

Last night, they debuted the new comedy they're going to pair with Entourage, Hung. And, yes, it's about exactly what it sounds like. The titular character is played by Thomas Jane, who's always been about an 11 out of 10 on the cuteness meter, and I think he'll be able to hold this series down and keep me interested.

That expectation comes with a big caveat, though. From the overly-long pilot, I already got the feeling that this new "comedy" was going to jump into the new "dramedy" genre, much like the once-great Weeds. But the proliferation of this genre has lately started to strike me much like a lot of "literary fiction" that I read. After a short while, it starts to ramble along without much forward thrust, or the ability to keep each episode contained, and it ends up becoming a bit of a mess -- a drama that's not very dramatic, or comedy that just isn't all that funny. I'm sick of shit like that. I'm so sick to death of Weeds and Nancy fucking Botwin, and already the potential of Nurse Jackie seems to be flaming out after just a few episodes, mostly because they're walking that line and without the comedy, it just doesn't work for me. (In neither case, by the way, do I blame the lead actresses -- Edie Falco and Mary Louise Parker -- because they both have shown fine comic chops, but the writers just seem to not be up to the task of bringing the goods.

So, I hope that Hung mines its man-whore premise for all it's worth and that it can, uh, measure up to the comic bent of Entourage. Easily one of the best shows on TV for the first couple seasons, Entourage gets both praised and dissed -- and justly so on both counts -- because they've got both Piven and the startling funny and awesome Kevin Dillon keeping it rolling.

But it does, admittedly, suffer from a rather high douchey quotient at times. Last season, Entourage was ahead of the curve with the economic downturn as Vince struggled to stay saleable in Hollywood, failed, went broke, and then went home. And, for the second time, he revealed himself to be a real asshole when things don't roll his way, and E paid the price and absorbed his wrath. It pissed me off, because it finally made me root for E. But, all in all, maybe it was a good thing. E finally has me on his side, and I can forgive Vinny, and from all previews, it appears as though the boys are once again riding high in Hollywood when they return in just two weeks. Now, if only this would be an indicator of a global turnaround, things would be perfect.

But it is, even more than the return of the boys of summer, the return of True Blood after the holiday that I'll be most interested in. Salivating for, actually. Much like how E finally made the transformation last season, True Blood's writers did a quick arc with one of their newer characters to make her riveting. The young Deborah Ann Woll made her first appearance as Jessica near the end of last season when Bill was forced to "make" her. She was nearly heartbreaking in her terror, and then unexpectedly hilarious once she realized her new power. But that quickly devolved into annoying brattiness that was just too much to take, for both super-Vampire Eric, and for me, as the audience. But they've very quickly given her a powerful arc and Deborah's pulled it off beautifully, culminating last night in one of the sweetest and awkwardly sexy scenes Blood has given us yet. Another part of the thanks for those scenes and this new story playing so well goes to the affable likability factor of Jim Parrack's Hoyt Fortenberry, which is off the charts.

By the very nature of the show, where seemingly main characters get murdered, dismembered, or simply exsanguinated regularly, they're going to have to fall into the bad routine of bringing in "red shirts," or, like any team going for a championship, they're going to have depend quite a bit on their bench. And, luckily for them, they casted strongly and must've had a multiple season arc in mind, because Hoyt is a great example of a seemingly background guy coming off the bench and scoring right away. All last year, he was a sweet-natured pal of Jason's who simply lamented his loneliness. He had a few cute throwaway scenes that all fell into place when young Jessica strolled into Merlotte's with a striking combination of innocence and predatory beauty. Hoyt was, naturally, enchanted. Watching these two awkwardly flirt was both charming and charged -- the perfect mix of dreamy and danger that this show thrives on. Not to mention that Hoyt, along with Eric, does tons to raise the "good looking" quotient on the show.

And Eric continues to delight with his terrible beauty, and his loyal Pam is just simply a scream every week. But another "bench" player, Ginger at Fangtasia, has been the quintessential scream queen for a couple weeks running now. She shoots Lafayette, and SHE erupts into hysterical screeches.

This week it was Sookie who got her to unleash her shriek, but it was just as funny. I can't wait to see what makes her scream next. That's the shit that just makes this show rock.

I do have to say that I'm not fully engaged with Jason or Tara so far this season. I've had about enough of Tara being happy and nice with Eggs. He, too, has been thrown into the "shirtless" brigade, and with good reason, because old Eggs has a bod so hot you could fry bacon it. But he needs to do something about now other than just walk around shirtless. Given that he's living with crazy-ass Bachanalian Maryann, I suspect he'll be doing something soon. And poor clueless Jason falling into that cult -- I swear I can see where this is leading, and I don't like that much, because all this show ever does is surprise me, so hopefully I'm wrong.

Much like these half-hour shows that have an identity crisis regarding their genre, I still don't know how to pigeonhole True Blood. It's horror -- and often gorily so; it's comedy and it's a bit of melodrama; sometimes it's romance, and a whole bunch of sexy, too. Much like the beverage it's named after, it's a weird, synthetic mix that's probably not everyone's taste, but for those who do crave it, it's nearly essential. And now it's two weeks until we get more of it. There. Right there. That's something to make Ginger scream bloody murder.

Waxing Eloquent

2009-06-26T20:28:00.000-07:00

If you're too faint of heart to follow True Blood, then this new essay by Donna George Storey may not be for you. She tells us all about her first experience getting a Brazilian wax. She says it was for research. I say that's definitely suffering for your art!

X in Audio!

2009-06-23T19:49:00.000-07:00

This is pretty cool news. I was lucky enough to have a short story included in Susie Bright's awesome, lovingly and sensually created erotica collection, X: The Erotic Treasury. It's a really gorgeous, cloth covered book with a slipcover and all, and it's stuffed full of excellent stories. Because of its glam looks, it makes a great gift or bedside keepsake.

BUT! I just found out that if you want to check out the stories in a little more economical manner, it's also now in in Kindle edition for $15.39.

BUT! Even cooler, it's just been made into an audiobook! I've never heard anyone read my work, so this is just terribly exciting. I'm downloading it right now. (also, it's actual PROOF to me that someone other than a friend HAS read one of my stories now!) I'm going to listen to mine before the replay of True Blood tonight! (And crikey, could SOMEONE who watches True Blood PLEASE freaking visit this blog to appreciate the work I put into that damn game and giggle at some of the jokes! Work with me here, fangbangers!)

Oh, back to X, though. The audio-book is now available! Right here! X audiobook!

True Blood Drinking Game

2009-06-21T20:23:00.000-07:00

Now, as you may know, when I find a show that really trips my triggers, I don't just watch it. I enjoy watching it. Volume up, phone off, and plenty of cocktails flowing. And if you have a few pals around who also enjoy the show, and cocktails, it can eventually lead the formation of a drinking game. Now, of course, you can take a crack at this with your choice of beverage, either beer of your choice, a vodka martini (three parts vodka and no parts vermouth) or Tru Blood (two parts B positive with one part O negative sounds about right). But whatever your choice of beverage, I'd suggest that unless you're wired like Maryann seems to be, you may want to pick one character and just drink according to his/her prompts instead of trying to tackle every rule, all the time. (The way I do.) Also, if any other fangbangers out there have any ideas to add to this list, let me know and I'll update it so we can all get snockered on Sundays (and repeat Tuesdays) together.

JASON STACKHOUSE
Jason is shirtless -- drink
Jason is obviously gratuitously shirtless -- drink two
Jason is screwing someone -- drink
Jason thinks he killed someone -- drink
Jason gets insulted by Andy -- drink
Jason lacks a comeback for Andy -- drink
Jason manages a comeback to Andy -- Celebrate! Keep on drinking!
Jason does something outrageously stupid and macho -- drink
Jason gets manipulated by someone -- drink

TARA
Tara cussed someone out -- drink
Tara bitches about her mom -- drink
Tara bitches at her mom -- drink twice
Tara is nice to her mom -- Keep on drinking and cuss Tara out.

BILL
Bill does something dorky -- drink
Bill does something old-fashioned -- drink and offer any guests a Fresca.
Bill says "Sook-ay" and sounds like Elvis as he does -- drink twice
Bill glamours someone -- drink
Bill shows skin -- drink
Bill shows fang -- drink twice and remember to recycle the bottle.
Bill sinks fang into Sookie -- keep on drinking

SAM MERLOTTE
Sam pines for Sookie -- drink
Sam pines for Tara -- drink
Sam gets Tara -- drink twice
Sam gets Sookie -- keep on drinking!
Sam gets yelled at by Sookie -- sulk and drink
Sam gets yelled at by Tara -- drink
Sam gets yelled at by any female -- drink
Sam changes to the dog -- drink
Dog changes back to Sam and we get a skin shot of Sam -- drink twice and say "He's no Jason, but he's alright."

LAFAYETTE
Lafayette wears lipstick/nail polish or some sort of makeup -- drink
Lafayette flirts with a girl -- drink
Lafayette flirts with a guy -- drink twice
Lafayette flirts with a VAMPIRE -- drink
Lafayette trusts Jason -- drink
Lafayette gets screwed by Jason -- drink twice
Lafayette shows skin -- drink
Lafayette puts someone in their place -- drink and call your friend a hooker.

SOOKIE
Sookie yells at Sam -- drink
Sookie yells at Bill -- drink
Sookie gives some love to Sam -- drink twice
Sookie gives it up to Bill -- drink twice
Sookie gives Bill neck -- keep on drinking and take your B12 vitamin
Sookie avoids being glamoured -- drink
Sookie hears someone's thoughts -- drink and resist the urge to adjust your surrond sound
Sookie wears short-shorts -- drink
Sookie shows ample flesh -- keep on drinking and say "I guess it's been a long time since "The Piano" but it's still a little weird."

GROUP DRINKS
TERRY BELLEFLEUR does something endearingly kooky -- drink
ANDY BELLEFLEUR gets pissed at not being taken seriously -- drink
JESSICA compares BILL unfavorably to ERIC -- drink and say "Amen."
Anyone compares BILL unfavorably to ERIC -- drink twice
ERIC does something to trump BILL -- drink
ANY VAMPIRE does something to trump BILL -- drink
BILL gets the upper hand with ANY VAMPIRE -- drink twice
PAM wears dominatrix garb -- drink
PAM wears a sweater-outfit -- drink twice
Any VAMPIRE gets staked -- drink
Any VAMPIRE gets staked and explodes on a human -- drink and put on some silver jewelry
Anyone does V -- toast and drink
ARLENE whines to Sam about work -- drink
Any random gratuitous sex scene -- drink and praise HBO
Any random gratuitous blood scene -- take a big chug of the Tru Blood and praise HBO
MARYANN's pig shows up -- drink and have some bacon as a snack
MARYANN does that shiver thing -- drink
ANYONE says "FANGBANGER" -- toast and drink
ANY sort of NEW FUCKED UP THING appears -- Keep on drinking and praise Charlaine Harris
ANY character suffers some sort of humiliation that's funny -- Keep on drinking and praise Alan Ball

Summer Reading

2009-06-18T16:50:00.000-07:00

Do you like to while away lazy summer days reading a good, page-turning book? If you're like me, you could let the day slip into sunset if you're engrossed, and so here's a book that can get you hooked. Now in Kindle format, it's a great time to check out Donald Capone's Into the Sunset.

This book is perfect for a lazy beach day. It's funny, got a snappy plot, and a main character you root for -- not to mention some randy love scenes. And now, on sale for just $2.39, it's a perfect bargain, too!